Tuesday, December 21, 2010
i have an hour left at work and i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready to go
i have a suit on today that is literally falling off of me, i guess the weight loss is a reality...my co-workers have noticed...
so the kevin hart show was AWESOME like AWESOME like SO SO SO AWESOME
and i might add that i WON! yes your girl was FLYY and i am not basing it on the fact that i really literally was FLYY but based on his reaction to my outfit...
its always nice when you are getting dressed and you can tell that they weren't expecting what you have on...like this look like oh wow you are wearing that NICE...
plus if you add the fact that what HE wore, i picked out anyways than I still won...CLASSIC
when i say kevin hart is freaking HA LA RI OUS!
what...plus add some cheesecake factory for the after show dinner...
top notch night
not to say the weekend wasn't or didn't have its "moments of irritation" we definitely have to find the balance with each other i think when you are with anyone for what 2 and 1/2 days there are bound to be moments...
good thing is we vibe GREAT and work well as a team with the lil one...the bond that he and i have is there and we three vibe and work to get things done together well...
the issue i am having now though is getting to close...because if things don't work out i don't want to once again distance myself from the family, including this child...so now i find myself in a conundrum, although we have both decided that we will see where things go and allow things to flow...i still have to be mindful because it isn't just us, there is a child also involved...
all in all the weekend was good, not GREAT, but good and realistic
now to figure out what i shall be doing for the holidays
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
and since i don't have a title for it, it will do
wow i have written 551 posts that's mad crazy son...in my NYC voice
i have had a lot of blog topics come in and out of my mind the last view days and i wanted to blog but there has been so much going on that i just haven't had the time
if you are here in the DMV its OH SO COLD outside right now
like so cold i went and got a fofafur hat, you know one of those big hats people wear in places like Alaska! hahahaha
well if you saw a crazy lady with one on and a bubble coat this morning on the Metro that was me...actually there were a lot of people on the metro with similar hats but the older ladies had the fofamink ones on LOL
i am in a good place as the year ends, like emotionally i have my feelings (remember you guys i have come to NOT like having feelings at all)
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Monday, December 06, 2010
i admit when i was a child this was the BEST time of year, not my fav, my bday has always been my FAVORITE...but the holidays from thanksgiving to Christmas definitely was THE next best thing and don't forget the time off from school
but now that i am a young adult (still will not claim that i am a straight up adult)
i could really CARE LESS about holiday decorations
i definitely believe if i had children i would be in the "spirit" of things
my co-worker was like "you have your decorations up?"
my response: "what decorations? i don't have any kids"
yep that's my excuse or reasoning
i mean what is the point in trying to decorate if you don't have a family
i mean the holidays are for family time and since i don't have a family i prefer to just act like its just any other time of the year...i definitely enjoyed thanksgiving this year and i am sure i will enjoy the day with extended family
but for now and definitely in the near future, i.e. next year, i don't foresee any decorations over here
p.s. i do NOT like holiday music...yea i know
Sunday, December 05, 2010
You really have a lot going for you right now. I know it gets hard when your lonely but it's not your time to share your life with some one yet. In due time you will and he will be more than you ever wanted in a man. Concentrate on doing you now for thats where GOD wants you to be. With all of my Love, peace
Thursday, December 02, 2010
COME ON i just bought this thing like 3 weeks ago!
well that's why i paid for the insurance because it is going BACK
so i realized something about myself
as a woman, when it comes to relationships, with the opposite sex
i need a few things (beyond you given, faithful, loyal, honest..)
i need STABILITY
yep, i need for you to be consistent
i need for there to be a routine
i am a routine type of person
i pretty much do the same thing day in and day out
including what i eat
it may seem pretty boring to most people, but i am definitely o k with being boring
of course we all like a little spice, surprise, something different every now and then
but i am a creature of habit and well it makes me feel safe and therefore SANE
see that's what is definitely MOST important in my life right now is peace and sanity
it makes me as a woman feel safe and secure
i don't like having room to wonder, to think, or ponder certain things
it should just be and has to be a given
so if you aren't the most romantic...
if you aren't the most spontaneous
if we live in the most generic of love songs
as long as you are consistent and reliable (in the positive, because you can always be a consistently an ass as well)
i don't know am i crazy?
i know i can be but i think with this it isn't much to ask
on another note day 5 of NO MEAT and its not that hard, again because i am a creature of habit i just eat the same thing and keep it moving
working out daily and things seem to be really coming along
i am seeing the difference on the scale, not really in my shape just yet...it probably just water weight, but maybe not because this time i am working out with it so i am hoping that this will be sustainable weight loss
even if i cut up on the weekends a little bit, if i can make eating well during the week a habit and working out a habit, just apart of my daily routine then i think i may be able to get where i want to be or need to be rather for health reasons and i'll be able to hopefully stay there
in short i am finding and fighting my way to happiness
i think its definitely something that is a conscious effort to do every single day of your life
and i am choosing to be as happy as i can be
the things that i can't control i have to let go of and simply focus on the things that i can control and right now the only thing i can control is ME
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
i had the same issue last season...
just like the season before booties became popular i saw some and went running around looking for some and people thought that i was absolutely crazy...
i want something cute for this comedy show...why because i have been CHALLENGED LOL
so now i am looking for something, plus i haven't had a reason to really get dressed up or anything for anything recently...and i am kinda looking forward to being cute and looking cute...
hey i am still a girl you know...LOL
i already have my workout plan set, some other little things set, including my hair and i will be making my mani/pedi appointment
i just found out we get out 2 hours early tomorrow...wooohoooo...what does that really mean for me? the GYM! for not 1 hour but maybe even 2...why not push myself i have nothing else to do or i could just take Golden for a really good walk and then hit the gym...that sounds like a plan, it will be a switch up in the routine...and gets her a good walk in...i think i shall repeat this for the rest of the week...she'll be happy for sure
that's what i realized, i like going and working out because otherwise i would just be sitting at home doing absolutely NOTHING and while that is one of my favorite past times, especially after weekends like the one i just had with the kiamsha youth...lov them kids but man i can't run off of 2-3 hours of sleep like i used to
side note: i really enjoy how honest the Kiamsha youth are this year...they are dealing with stuff i can't even imagine and it really makes me feel like we really need to start something with Middle school kids, because its like by the time they get to us at 14 so much has already taken place or happened, and it seems to be a lot of it has to do with sexuality...then you think about it and everything is so hyper sexed now...i can see how they would be confused and curious...but curiosity kills the kat...literally these days...i need to think about this...
i am not as cranky this time as i have been before when i start to eat right...maybe because i know that it needs to be done...plus i have figured out that when you spread the little things out and eat more often you aren't as hungry and cranky...and i also think that working out helps me not feel as hungry either
i can't wait to get my hair done on Friday...man oh man...i need it done oh so bad...i can't wait to sit in that chair and get it washed...i love girlie stuff like that...and then i will definitely be getting a mani/pedi this weekend...and maybe a movie...i have yet to see "for colored girls" i hear its a really good cry so i could always use one of those as well...a good cry AND of course i want to see harry potter! so maybe i'll do TWO movies this weekend on top of all the working out and cleaning i'll be doing the house is a mess...and golden needs a bath...so plenty of work and chilling to be done this weekend...i think i shall enjoy it
Monday, November 22, 2010
man i love music!
what in the world would i be doing right now if it wasn't for the music thumping in my ears right now
if you read this blog even in passing its pretty obvious how important and how much i need music in my life
at one point this year i was going through a phase were all my blog titles were the names of songs, that incidentally were probably playing at the time that i decided to write the blog post
today is one of those days i definitely need music because i am exhausted...i should have just gotten up at 4:40am this morning when my brother came yelling up the steps to Golden who evidently went to the bathroom by his bathroom at some point during the night...she tends to do that to him, she doesn't do that to me though...
so i am going to the kevin hart show in philly next month, or should i say i am planning to attend, depends on how things go with homie, but the tickets have been purchased...
soooo i need an outfit, especially after the CHALLENGE that was put out there today...
"i will be flyer than you at the show lol"
all i said back was "i can show you betta than i can tell you"
don't play me play lotto...CLASSIC
today i shall be embarking on the new gym by my house so we shall see how that works, they have the $10 a month no commitment agreement there and i really only need it for days off and the weekends because i like the gym at my job and it forces me to go straight from work...but i also need the option for when i am off every other friday and the weekends because i do like working out and i do like how it feels once i am done
i feel like i have done something for myself and that's a good feeling...
i am going through another phase
i wish i could show myself the friggin way right now
for the most part i am cool though, but really i don't have a problem telling people how i am feeling lately and i keep it moving...
i guess you just get tired of people thinking its one way and they have no clue at all who you are, none what so ever...
ok i am loud, i have a strong personality, i laugh, i joke, whatever...
but i am still sensitive and i still have feelings and you can't just say what you want and think it doesn't bother me...further more, i am not the butt of anyone's jokes...but its cool keep thinking what you want to think and thinking you know
you know what they say about folks who assume...
i am like an onion, i have many layers to me...some i am still figuring out so how do you think you have me figured out?
again its cool
i know who knows me and they don't judge, front or fake, they love me flaws and all and allow me to grow and help me to grow...that's all i need really
and i think that's what i have to do, i have to stop allowing people and their so called "opinions" affect me
i wish i could also show him the way...but i can't and i won't actually for that matter
its up to him to figure it out, all out...
i won't say i need for my life to be a movie, or a novel, but i would love for it to be a GREAT love song...
yep a love song...like the moon by eric roberson
or beautiful by musiq
or the truth by india or love of my life by Erykah or the way by Jill... or even we r one by Maze
i want the song or SONGS to come on and feel them in my soul not because that's what i want but because that's what i HAVE
but i as of right now its just always will by tweet because regardless you always will and i know that...but i want more than that..is that so wrong? to want more than this
uggg i have no patience...i wish i could fast forward sometimes and see my life in like 5 years just see how it ends up
not knowing is what bothers me the most...but is it that i don't know, because i really do...
but i have to have faith right...that's the point of life-believing and having faith in that which we can't see or know right now
the reality is i live in my little house with my little dog and a not so little brother in my basement...all the other stuff isn't my reality and i know me i live for a good love song a good love story so i can't even get myself wrapped up in the "woulda shoulda couldas" of life
i must live and continue to live in my reality and hopefully one day i'll have my love song, someone will love me enough to want to play out our own love song until the end
Thursday, November 18, 2010
yep that's how i am feeling today
times like this i don't even like myself
i had been feeling good because i have gotten back into a gym routine...here's what i have figured out though, i can't go home...period the end!
i have to pack a gym bag and go from work straight there and THEN go home because once home i won't feel like doing anything...
the metro is right there by the gym and i don't have to transfer
so let's just say i went from a high at the beginning of the week to this LOW
i don't like it i don't like all these friggin hormonal things that are happening with my body but more over i do not like all these emotional thoughts nor do i like this feeling of being drained like completely wiped out!
it sucks and i don't like it
there is a lot going on in my head and my heart right now that i am not liking or getting and its just going to take time to work through all these things
right now i just want to be quiet
i even cancelled my hair appointment for today because i am not feeling well and don't want to be bothered i don't even think i will be making it all day at work...as a matter a fact i KNOW that i won't make it all day at work today...
i just can't i want to be at home with my dog on my couch sleep....
i guess its just one of those days
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
but NOPE i am not going
i am tired, drained and i am not feeling well
i want to see my parents though and if i could just box them two up and take them away with just me and them for a couple of days i would do just that
another part of me not going is Golden
seems my brother needs surgery and he won't be home this weekend, he was my sitter
i could have someone come and take her out twice a day but that's pretty mean to keep her locked up by herself all that time
i could also put her in a kennel, that's going to cost me a whole lot of money and i don't want my dog in no kennel PERIOD
yes call me crazy but i love my dog and i don't want anyone "taking care" of my dog
my mother is like i don't think its meant for you to come so just cancel everything out
i am sitting here at work trying my best to stay awake and trying to stay focused
do you know i went to bed last night at 9pm?! i was KNOCKED out like seriously...
who goes to bed that early anymore? i don't know people i am just tired
maybe me and the boo boo can go to the beach, she would like that...i might just go down to Chesapeake beach that's what 30 minutes from my house and we just walk around and enjoy some me time
you ever WANT to get away but you just don't have the energy to get away...
well that's how i am feeling right now...
I NEED A VACATION but i just don't have the energy to even take one!
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
i want to sit in the corner in silence in a dark room by myself
that's it and that's all
i don't want to reflect
i don't want to talk
i don't want to care or be forced to care or to smile or anything that resembles an emotion
i just want to be silence
i wanted to write it all out, journal it all out
but then i couldn't
everyone, well not everyone, but people close to me, want to know what's wrong, are you ok? are you mad? what's wrong?
'ehhh' i don't know and right now i don't care
i just want to be silent
i don't even want to think
maybe that's why i have been so "on it" this week at work because working hard makes me not think about anything other than work
so if you don't hear from me, i am cool, i just prefer silence inside of myself and not the noise of the world or my thoughts for that matter
Monday, October 25, 2010
one thing about life is that it always has a way of giving you what you need when you need it, even when you don't know you needed it to begin with
life, its nothing but little pieces that make a whole, like a puzzle
but in life there are millions of pieces and we all have some of the same kinds of pieces and then we all have some different ones.
the real trick is that all the pieces really can fit anywhere you put them
but its our choice who we put them together or take them apart;
and the where and when we place them that create our image;
if you just FORCE them at random or indiscriminately your picture will just be a mess
HOWEVER sometimes there is great beauty to be found in the messiest images
but at the end of life all we can hope is that we leave behind a beautiful picture to inspire and suggest ways others can manipulate their pieces.
the rest is simply out of our control
i don't like not "knowing" things...like there are somethings you just won't know and its cool to know that you are learning and growing as a person
you know what it is, i don't like not knowing where i stand with people with emotions
i have said it before and i'll say it again i do NOT like feelings and the feelings that having feelings can sometimes bring...
i know you shouldn't wish turning off feelings but i do
and i would rather be wise and cautious than to just listen to my heart...i have said all i am going to say and done all i am going to do
and the reality is when someone can't tell you where you stand or fully express or try to express why or how they feel for you what they claim that they do, you don't stand anywhere with them at all
so its like forcing the pieces of the puzzle to fit and in this case the mess won't be beautiful because all you do is prolong the inevitable
mind of matter
wisdom over heart
only way to go right now
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
i am in a pissy mood
like a really pissy mood and it wasn't until just now that i realized why
i am yet again on my working out and losing weight thing...so that means i haven't had any starch since Monday, no rice, no bread, no muffins, no croissants, potatoes, NOTHING
NOTHING I FREAKING LOVE TO EAT
nope instead its freaking oatmeal and fruit for breakfast, a salad for lunch and spinach and mushrooms with baked turkey wings for dinner
i don't mind the dinner so much nor do i mind the salad for lunch THAT much
but freaking every single day
and nope don't go trying to help by sending me recipes and other crap that could work because although i can and will cook i prefer to cook on Sunday and have stuff for the rest of the week because i am also working out again which means that my body aches and my knees hurt and my hair is a mess because i sweat in my head
so i just don't want to be bothered
i don't want to be at work
i don't want to talk to people
i just want to eat this nasty food, do my job, go home, take Golden out, work out, eat dinner and go to bed and then wake up to do the same CRAP all over again
i don't eat those frozen meals because they have too much sodium which leads to headaches and other health issues
then you can't have or indulge in the "sauce" either...ugggggggggggg
so i am opting to try to keep it fresh and light with the whole eating thing
i have lost 2 pounds those far
see i told you i was in a mood and i realized i get like this every single time that i start eating better and working out its like my body is in shock and can't stand this mess
it really would prefer to be FAT AND HAPPY
yes big people are happy its others around us that make us feel like we have a disease because we aren't walking around feeling crazy because we are big
then because others feel the need to express their thoughts on how we need a personal trainer or should only have one starch a day or WHATEVER their opinions are you begin to feel bad so what do you do, you eat MORE of the things you shouldn't do because food makes you happy then what happens you can't fit clothe so you go shopping WHY because you had the food that made you happy so now you need the new clothes to make you happy and look better and the cycle just keeps going and going and going
LOOK i get it being a certain weight and out of shape is not healthy...but there are plenty of "fat skinny" people too out here, meaning they aren't healthy they don't exercise or eat right but they don't gain weight...
hey blame it on the metabolism, thyroid whatever
we are all different either love me for me or leave me the freak alone
now that i have ranted on
i am trying to lose weight because although i have always been "thick" this having a gut and back fat thing doesn't work well or bold well for me or to me...so eating better, exercising, going to try this whole life style thing again...
you would think that in the summer i'd be more prone to do these things but actually its just to dag on hot, i love this time through the spring i do my best this time of year the air is crisp, the energy is high and i can get into my own groove
but for now and maybe for a week or so until i get over this initial hump i will be cranky in a mood
thus i will place myself on time out and sit in the corner ALONE i'll let you know when I feel like coming out
Monday, October 11, 2010
Be grateful for life, be grateful to life
Be gleeful everyday, for being the best swimmer among 500,000
Be-nign, be you, be mom's mean pie, be little black sambo With bad hair
Be aware of what a lynch is, Be, be boundless energy
Be a four star ghetto general, be no one except I
Be a strong academic student, be an A student in sociology
Be food for thought to the growing mind, be the author of your own horoscope
Be invited, be long-living, be forgiving, be not forgetful
Be a proud run, only to return to fight another day
Be peaceful if possible, but justice in ways (?)
Be high when you low, be on time but knowing to go
Be cautious of the road to college, taking a detour through Vietnam or the middle east
Be absent of wars at any past or present fought amongst themselves
Be visual of foreclosure over your shoulder while begging
A nation built on free labor for reparation, Be a cartopogropher
Be a map maker, be able to find afro-american man
search thoroughly it may be close to black man
Be ammended 5/5ths, be ammended 5/5ths human
Be the owner of more land than is set aside for wild life
Be cupid, to world government
Be found among the truth, lost tribe
Be at full strength when walking through the valley
Be not foolish as tender 18 of the mountain tops
Be a brilliant soul, sparkling in the galaxy while walking on earth
Be loved by God as much as God loved Ghandi and Martin Luther King
Be that last one of 144,000, be the resident of that twelfth house
Monday, October 04, 2010
my co-worker and i were having a deep convo today via email and he said that...
it struck a cord with me because he is definitely a good dude...he has his ways about him, but don't we all
he is always analysing himself and assessing how he can be better
the thing that he has an issue with is he doesn't give himself time to change or adjust
he doesn't have patience with himself
that led me to think about a lot of things with me and how i think react or handle situations
i know that PATIENCE is definitely key for me and i have to stop and remind myself all the time to be patient but i also have to stop and remind myself to keep pushing through even when things don't always have or don't always seem to fall into place
many times we do that we don't have patience and we just give up
either on love
whatever we just give up or worse yet we settle
but this quote right here is on point...
mediocrity is not an option in any area of life and as long as you are trying and striving we need to take time to give ourselves credit and see the Sunshine through the rain
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
well maybe not RIGHT now at this very moment
but pretty much on and off all day this is how its been and will continue to go down...
and i love it!
I LOVE this time of year FALL ROCKS
(can I also say i love the fact that I am sitting at my desk typing this truly happy because i have the best quarter numbers i have ever had and i have a hat on my head and rain boots on my feet and i am listening to Jill Scott and Darius Rucker, jam to "sometimes I wonder")
I am really feeling life right now...
you know how you know someone is praying for you, i know my momma musta been praying for me to have some inner peace and comfort because that's how i have been feeling
i mean i am just so at peace right now...i have been talking myself and one of my bffs through our situations and talking about helps to process it
you know what while in conversation with him the other not he asked me "is it that simple"
my reply "yes its that simple, life isn't that complicated and love isn't hard, people make it that way"
why do we get caught up in making things so much harder than they really need to be
it doesn't have to be that difficult
he's still dragging his feet and you know at this point the situation is a 50/50 split because the truth is he may not ever really fully see or get what is in front of him, even though he see's it and recognizes it, the opportunity, that doesn't mean that he can get over the past and move forward
i let that stuff go a long time ago, but maybe he hasn't...
i don't know but it ain't that deep
either you down or you not
at this point in life either shyt or get off the pot as my Madea would say
i i i i i want want want want you you you
but it won't let go...
tried to turn the sauna up a little hotter...
tried to drink the holy water...
but it won't let go...
i want you so what we gonna do...
i know you nervous, but i am genuine
but you know what, i have to remember that no one can make you happy, sad, mad or glad but YOU
we give people way to much power and control over our lives, our spirits, our emotions, or how we even feel about ourselves and its not necessary
either they see it or they don't...
its not up to you to make them see anything and you can't force grown folks to do anything
sometimes you just have to let it be
because at the end of the day you are blessed in and all by yourself
you live by to go on, you go through to grow on
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
push up the fader....
bust up the meter....
shake the tweeter....
bump it wellllll welllllll wellllll
you know I love it when they play my beat real loud
it is the one thing that has always been by my side and never leaves my side for another woman, or because i am to loud or too fat or too anything
it loves me
it doesn't judge me
it likes me for me
and it goes along with my mood
if i am feeling a little "gangsta"
if i feel like feeling love or not
if i am feeling a little blu
if i am feeling happy, sad, pretty or glad
it roles with me
no questions asked
it just gets up and moves right along with me
if I am in the truck, in the house or walking around dc, its right there with me
its the only thing besides my momma that really loves me unconditionally
it loves me and i love it
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I have a few givens, things that I think are important, but I don't have a list, I feel like lists put you into a position NOT allowing yourself room to breathe it just puts you in a box...and that BOX/tightly packaged MAN ay never come your way...
But here are a few givens...
***believe in Jehovah God and his son Christ...and HAS a personal relationship with them, through studying and cultivating that relationship at least working on it...if nothing else
***HONEST (I don't like liars)
***Has a strong bond with his family...respects the importance of family
***Has goals, wants something out of life...(I don't care if you drive a bus or work in corporate America...just have some goals)
***Someone who believe in the sanctity of MARRIAGE...wants to be MARRIED
***Faithful (can't just assume that folks believe in monogamy)
***Can hold a conversation about any and everything from current politics, black weath, religion, music, to just joking around
***Understands the importance of giving back or at least respects my role in the community...has consensousness about the events of the day, and what is going on in OUR community...and wants to do something about it, even if its just being the BEST man he can be and raising his family right...
You know just someone who is...
Open to experience new things: such as new places, food, music...someone who will go to a Gnarls Barkley or The Gorillas OR see Maze or Prince or Jay-Z...or go down to U Street and listen to some Jazz...
Rocks more than just a white tee and Timbs/Nike Boots/Air Force Ones every where we go...have some flavor....
But more importantly I just want someone who is INTO me...I mean really into me, from the way he looks into my eyes, to the way he rubs my cheek, the way he holds my hand...just is a MAN NOT a male (and YES brothas I know that requires me to be a WOMAN and NOT a female..I am willing to do my part as long as he is willing to do his)...
So although I do have a "jones" for Jim Jones...that's NOT my reality...my reality is a God fearing/spiritual (not just religious, because you can go to church EVERY Sunday and NOT know a THANG about GOD or have a relationship with him) clean-cut/eclectic, upright, honest, loving, intelligent, strong, faithful brother...NOW THAT'S SEXY....
A brotha that's in it to win it...me and him against the world...doing it the RIGHT way...
That's my reality....
that's what I want to yell at someone every time asks me that freaking question
its always followed by you are so smart or you are so sweet and giving or whatever
for like the umptenth time i had an older person ask me why i am not married
i was in training for 5 days with older said person and everyone in the room was in a committed relationshiop, even those younger in the class were at least in a bf/gf relationship,
not me, single
so he asked "why aren't you married yet?"
the ex asked me that 3 weeks ago, his cousin asked me that as well...
HELL I DON'T KNOW
I have self reflected, self evaluated, listened to others tried to grow taken the critism, the lesson's learned and all that...
i don't have an attitude like i used to, i cook, i clean, i wash, i work, i am affectionate, i will admit that i don't openly express my feelings like i used to or even allow myself to have feelings because they have been hurt
ask them dudes why they haven't found me yet
one of my girls asked me once "do you think you are meant to be married"
that hurt...why? because you mean to tell me YOU can be meant to have your hearts desires but not me...
i guess people think i want to be single because i am fine with it
no i have learned the lesson of enjoying my life and where i am right now and not letting life pass me by just because i don't have a husband and a family
but that doesn't mean i am HAPPY about it
I am "cool" with it because i am not going to drive myself crazy with "what if" or "how come them and not me"
when its my turn it will be my turn
but I wasn't going to stop living and doing me just because i was "waiting on a man"
so i bought a house, got a good job and live
i guess to the world around me i look sad or something
or maybe i should as said girl told me as well, "get a trainer"
maybe if i was a LSLHT (light skin long hair thin) girl then i'd find a man or he'd find me rather
but then its like when i went into the grocery last night and this dude was ON my back and another one was like "hey beautiful" i smiled and said HI
then there is the other situation which is driving me NUTS
(this is my blog right so i can be real)
why is it that you are dragging your feet?
WTH is wrong with you?
That's how i am feeling, here you have the opportunity that most people don't get and you drag your freaking feet...
and you know what i am not saying or doing anything about it because its not me and if you can't see what you have or the opportunity you have to have the love and support i am willing to offer than that's on you
what is wrong with people?!
everyone wants to play and have the girl in the video or "do them" or "run the streets"
if you have an opinoin
have a home
aren't a size 6 or 10
and have values you get left in the dust or you get looked at like you are crazy
i told my mom the other night
"hell i should've just been a hood rat because they gets all the dudes no problems"
what the hell gives
and stop asking me why i am single because if I knew the hell why i wouldn't be
let me be happy in my own skin and let GOD work it out and stop asking me that question
people act like either i'll never have it because i am fat or strong or too independant (which this whole independant woman thing i am totally OVER) or whatever they think
its like i wanna yell
THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT OR NOT
*drops mic, and gets off the soap box*
Friday, September 17, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
period the end i am done...after all i went through to get here and to finally be OFF probation
it started off ok and then it took a left turn down the dumps FAST...
on my anniversary date then there was so much other stuff going on
here is the thing, i don't know how i feel and everyone has an opinion and its WAY to much because its like if i don't agree with you i am letting this person influence me, and vice versa
how about everyone has a point and most of them are good some not so good, some valid some not
i don't know how i feel and i do NOT like feeling like this nor do i want to feel like i don't have control over my feelings or understand my feelings
the only person i want to talk to is my mom because she let's me talk she doesn't have an opinion and she let's me just work through my issues she doesn't act like she "knows" but she does know and she always make me feel better
even Golden knows that i am upset she kept giving me kisses to try to make me feel better...that's my boo for real
Kiamsha started again last night and it was a good orientation night i think the youth really opened up and we talked about what they are facing so that was good
i was truly in a bad mood but when i left i was in such a better mood they make me feel better because they don't want anything other than for someone to listen and to pay attention to them
but isn't that what we all want
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
she is getting married!
i can't believe it, i remember saying to her last year this time that it was coming...
and the Sunday after Christmas in church he proposed in front of her family and friends
and now tomorrow, she will be married a wife, HIS WIFE
i think i do feel this for all of my girls that have gotten married...
I love LOVE real LOVE
well in this day and age i'll take purple love, you know someone that really loves you no matter
you know what's rocking in my ears right now,
"love of my life" by Erykah Badu and Common...
i have been happy all week, maybe its because I got me some hurr...LOL
maybe its because i know her entire family is coming and its going to be a HUGE event and she is going to look like an angel...
maybe its the fact that i get to get "dolled up"
maybe its just me feeling happy for someone else other than me and i know that in the end knowing someone has a love to call their own...
ooohhhh you know you rock my world, you be boy and i'll be girl...it don't stop until the break of dawnnnnnnnnnnnn
repeat repeat repeat repeat...
marrying your best friend is the way to go!
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I'VE GOT MYSELF TO REMIND ME OF LOVE
got my mind and my heart...i believe in a love...and these happy feelings, feel that happy feelings...
I WISH YOU HAPPY FEELINGS
so i have posted this song before, and like everything it shuffles through on my ipod i get totally happy!
Maze has the soundtrack to my life
and when i say i am truly got Happy FEELINGS right now...
I am hitting on ALL cylinders...
i am motivated unlike i have been i'll say in a couple years....the last time i was hitting on things like this i was in graduate school for the first time
maybe i feel like this because i have been accepted in and will be returning to graduate school this fall for my second degree a MS in cyber security policy...
did i just share that with the world and i haven't even told anyone outside of my parents, besties and brothers (and only 2 of them know)...
i don't even want to "talk" about it, i just want to DO it...and for no one else other than myself because its been 4 years since i got my first degree i feel like i am missing out on academia and what's to be learned, discussed, read, written...and if i am ever to go back to get my PhD i need this to get my chops wet again
kiamsha is off to a GREAT start as well...i am motivated and just ready to do it
last two years have been with a lot of major changes and adjustments but i made it and i am HAPPY and BLESSED
not lonely not sad not nothing other than...cool to be in my own skin
maybe that comes with 30
even with this wedding coming up, i know i weigh more than before, but so does he and i could care less...because TC rocks it no matter what...funny thing is people always say little things like
"well why don't you get a trainer" YOU get one...i am fat and happy...LOL
ok ok ok...i know i need to lose weight for health reasons...but i will not be a 8, hell i'll be cool with a 10 or 12 but that's me...
you know what...here it is i am in love with me...you know how you think you are in love with you, but you aren't really real with you so you think you are in love but you really aren't...
no, this time i am IN love with me...i know my flaws, i am working on them and i am ok with me because i know i am growing every single day
i had a good year review as well, my promotion package went in, cross your fingers...
like the girl is just working it out...and is going to keep her head up because in the end if i don't exude the positive in my life who will?
exactly my point...
HAPPY FEELINGS PEOPLE
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
that's how i feel or i am feeling...
here's the story (i'll try in 25 words or less)
my college ex's lil sister is getting married, she and i have always been close and remained close after the breakup, i am in the wedding, her shower was this weekend, i was there of course and while there was introduced to those who didn't know me per se, as "o's ex T" lol, and then comes the "so what can we do to get the two of you back together" with smiles from ear to ear, or telling me how she is never around and no one likes her...just a whole bunch of stuff...
and here's the thing its been a few years so i wasn't expecting NONE of this
who knows if people were being serious or if they were just saying that to see what i would say or do...
my response, i just want him to be happy...
and i do...the other thing is, to me, he made his choice what 4-5 years ago when he "did him" instead of working to mend it, he chose to continue to deal with her and eventually have a son, that was his choice...
he's a good father from what i understand, never doubted that, and i am happy he has a lil man and he's in love with him...and the fact that he has a son with her doesn't bother me at all
here's what is bothering me-why am i even thinking about this in the first place? why am i entertaining this?
i haven't seen or talked to him in 4 years
maybe i am thinking about it because i have always loved his family, like the family i thought i would be apart of, we were all very close, his sister and i still are, and his mother still refers to me as her other daughter (that was my other introduction this weekend) so definitely no love lost, but man oh man...they were my people and will always be in my life to a certain extent because i'll always been there for his sister and his parents, you don't breakup with families...its just not that easy...although i did back off a long time ago because i didn't want her to feel some sort of way, so i communicated with his sister and mother on a limited bases and not on the daily, the weekly, then monthly bases because that was for her to do you know...i just didn't want to step on folks toes
and then maybe i am thinking about it, because admittedly, being real, the ego of being "the one that got away" puts a little smile on my face (i know that's ridiculous) but that's the reality and i am being honest with myself...
here's the thing that i was told by a couple of people
its not that he made a choice, it was that he made a mistake and didn't know how to come back...
this was the person i looked at a engagement rings with, landed on a right with, had sized and everything...
and i don't even know, well when you are with someone for so long and you love so hard, maybe that love never really goes away...i know when i saw him 4 years ago i still loved him very much..
but since then i have loved again and lost again...
maybe it was one of the hardest thing in my life because he was definitely my BEST friend...and then we weren't even friends anymore...
it took me a long LONG time to get over the entire situation because we had been through so much, so very very much...so its hard when you think about that
but like my ls said this weekend, not to condone it, but we were in a long distance relationship the entire relationship, we were young, and i have come to the conclusion we were too young and we should have been friends...his father has always said that...and i agree
i don't think, based on my experiences that people should be so young and put so much pressure on someone to be in an "adult" committed relationship...young people, especially in your college years, early 20s, should be spending time learning and loving themselves and just being friends and eventually when your hit about 23/24 then maybe go to that committed relationship...so that means no sex, none of that just fun and being friends...
you love way too hard, and don't even know how to properly love someone because you don't know how to properly love yourself
again just my personal opinion...
because then you are both ready to be committed and can move forward...you just can't be in a relationship without knowing who you really are...and then you have in some cases where someone might be intimidated by someone else because they are going through with education and the other person isn't...or the distance or just having fun may be an issue...
anyways i guess i just needed to put thoughts to computer screen and just get this out and off my chest...
he was and is always going to be a good guy to me, despite his whatever you want to call it he did, and i definitely hope that he is happy
because the reality is i am...
Friday, August 13, 2010
it won't be another whole year before i see them though, i'll be heading down to see all their renovations in november and then again in march for the family cruise and i am hoping that their 2 week summer stay will become a yearly event...
they both look really good...i just really love my folks...i really really do
i am a little blahza today...no particular reason...just am...
maybe because people are funny, especially females...no matter how old you get people are just that funny...i just have to remember not to be funny myself ya dig...its funny i say that at 30 or is it sad?
started reading "ain't i a woman" by bell hooks...it examines black feminism...definitely a question i have wrestled with for years...am i black or a woman first? and why do i have to choose? i think its cool to know someone else has had these same thoughts or issues or ponderings
is it just me or does anyone else's ipod seem to play the same stuff constantly...i mean its like over 2400 songs on this thing but i feel like it plays all the same stuff on shuffle..
ok here we go...some byb "i can change" in my ears...let blast it so my co-workers can think i am even more crazy then they already think i am...
i have gotten my focus back...dude i was OFF for a min...like not focused at work or at home just blah
and even though i am mad tired right now, i have been on it this week...i don't know what snapped me back into action but i am glad that i did..now if i can snap back into action with this weight loss...i haven't gone back up but geesh i needs to go DOWN...
oh here is the other thing i realize...i am still a work in progress when it comes to other peoples opinions or things...i don't like for people to not "get me" or if someone, like my dad, has something to say, it cuts like a knife...like he told me i was "fat" yep just like that i was "fat" i had gained weight...so for the past two weeks i have been extremely self conscious especially when i went out for my birthday...i don't like any of the pictures i am way to wide...sad isn't it..
well if you don't like what you see in the mirror its up to you to change it right?
i want to crawl under my desk and take a nap...like right now!
oh you know another thing that bothers me, terribly...beggars...
this may sound harsh to some, but this is the place i should be able to speak my mind right...now don't get me wrong homelessness is a major cause that i have and it bothers me that so many people in the "wealthiest" country on this here what we call earth are homeless...but i do NOT like be harassed or looked at like i have no soul every 5 steps i take because i don't give you change every day...i can't get food, go to CVS, or just walk to and from work without being asked at least 5 times for spare change, etc...and if you offer to buy food, etc...you get cursed out
i'll buy street cents from the homeless vendors and i tend to give extra at least once a week to the 8 people that are on my block...yes there are that many...
its a bit much to handle daily...i know i am blessed and i don't complain about my job, my house, my truck none of that because i am blessed and i am only but a few checks or a breakdown away from possibly being there myself...so i try to show compassion as much as i possibly can, but dude...come on...its a lot daily, hourly its a bit much...
that's just me you can tell me i am crazy or mean, won't be the first time i've heard it...
back to work...
have a great weekend i am off to new jeru for a bridal shower tomorrow...
Sunday, August 08, 2010
and i can't leave this post without a video of lil Bennie....