Thursday, September 30, 2010

current mood: happy

that's how it looks outside in the city right now

well maybe not RIGHT now at this very moment

but pretty much on and off all day this is how its been and will continue to go down...

and i love it!

I LOVE this time of year FALL ROCKS

(can I also say i love the fact that I am sitting at my desk typing this truly happy because i have the best quarter numbers i have ever had and i have a hat on my head and rain boots on my feet and i am listening to Jill Scott and Darius Rucker, jam to "sometimes I wonder")

I am really feeling life right now...

you know how you know someone is praying for you, i know my momma musta been praying for me to have some inner peace and comfort because that's how i have been feeling

i mean i am just so at peace right now...i have been talking myself and one of my bffs through our situations and talking about helps to process it

you know what while in conversation with him the other not he asked me "is it that simple"
my reply "yes its that simple, life isn't that complicated and love isn't hard, people make it that way"

its true

why do we get caught up in making things so much harder than they really need to be

it doesn't have to be that difficult

he's still dragging his feet and you know at this point the situation is a 50/50 split because the truth is he may not ever really fully see or get what is in front of him, even though he see's it and recognizes it, the opportunity, that doesn't mean that he can get over the past and move forward

i let that stuff go a long time ago, but maybe he hasn't...

i don't know but it ain't that deep

either you down or you not

at this point in life either shyt or get off the pot as my Madea would say

i i i i i want want want want you you you
but it won't let go...
tried to turn the sauna up a little hotter...
tried to drink the holy water...
but it won't let go...
i want you so what we gonna do...
i know you nervous, but i am genuine

but you know what, i have to remember that no one can make you happy, sad, mad or glad but YOU

we give people way to much power and control over our lives, our spirits, our emotions, or how we even feel about ourselves and its not necessary

either they see it or they don't...

its not up to you to make them see anything and you can't force grown folks to do anything

sometimes you just have to let it be
because at the end of the day you are blessed in and all by yourself

you live by to go on, you go through to grow on

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

bump it

fat beats
fat drums

push up the fader....
bust up the meter....
shake the tweeter....

bump it wellllll welllllll wellllll

you know I love it when they play my beat real loud


it is the one thing that has always been by my side and never leaves my side for another woman, or because i am to loud or too fat or too anything

it loves me

it doesn't judge me

it likes me for me

and it goes along with my mood

if i am feeling a little "gangsta"

if i feel like feeling love or not

if i am feeling a little blu

if i am feeling happy, sad, pretty or glad

it roles with me

no questions asked

it just gets up and moves right along with me

if I am in the truck, in the house or walking around dc, its right there with me

its the only thing besides my momma that really loves me unconditionally

it loves me and i love it


Saturday, September 25, 2010

.....i want

i don't know what i want

but common's "i want you" is playing right now

i don't think i am going to keep with this new program, I don't like it, and its not really what i want to do and i don't like the "online ONLY" course work

i need to interact with people and things

so yea we'll see what happens with that...probably a WITHDRAWAL

Golden is constantly with me if I am in the house

like right now she is sitting up under me as i try to type this, but that's my fatty girl

oh i did get my promotion, i won't see the money until like mid-octoberbut that's still cool

sad part is i didn't have anyone to celebrate with, so me and Gold's tossed and that was it

its like 7pm on a saturday night and i am in the house

"the truth" is rocking right india aire

i LOVE LOVE LOVE this song, this is how i want to feel about my him..

i met with my first couple today for my first wedding coordination/planning gig...i am doing it for free because i have never done a wedding officially so I am hoping that i do a good job, its not until next september but you know me, i want to do it right

so we shall see

i am thinking about re-locating...i am over the DMV and i want a family and a life of my own and so i may have to leave to achieve that, maybe not

i can't leave unless i can transfer my position so at least for now i'll be here

life is interesting and it always has a way of working itself out if you just stop worrying about things and do you best to be your best things work out

if one more person asks me about losing weight...why are so many people interested in my weight or my weight loss or gain...dude i am alright i am not that small but i am not that big either so either love me or leave me alone if you have weight issues those are your issues

i am cool

i think people love to see other people upset about stuff so they say stuff for what i don't know but i am cool homie, you?


maybe i'll go to miami next month, why not...only thing i have to worry about is Golden and she can go stay with my nephew they take really good care of her over there

"on & on"
the man that knows something knows that he knows nothing at all...

ain't that the truth, i told a PhD that last week in class, i hope that no matter how educated i become i don't belittle people she truly irked the hell out of my nerves...

ok i am done

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

repost from 06, nothing has changed

Now, I do NOT have an ideal black man (IBM) list or even a type...

I have a few givens, things that I think are important, but I don't have a list, I feel like lists put you into a position NOT allowing yourself room to breathe it just puts you in a box...and that BOX/tightly packaged MAN ay never come your way...

But here are a few givens...
***believe in Jehovah God and his son Christ...and HAS a personal relationship with them, through studying and cultivating that relationship at least working on it...if nothing else
***HONEST (I don't like liars)
***Has a strong bond with his family...respects the importance of family
***Has goals, wants something out of life...(I don't care if you drive a bus or work in corporate America...just have some goals)
***Someone who believe in the sanctity of MARRIAGE...wants to be MARRIED
***Faithful (can't just assume that folks believe in monogamy)
***Can hold a conversation about any and everything from current politics, black weath, religion, music, to just joking around
***Understands the importance of giving back or at least respects my role in the community...has consensousness about the events of the day, and what is going on in OUR community...and wants to do something about it, even if its just being the BEST man he can be and raising his family right...

You know just someone who is...
Open to experience new things: such as new places, food, music...someone who will go to a Gnarls Barkley or The Gorillas OR see Maze or Prince or Jay-Z...or go down to U Street and listen to some Jazz...
Rocks more than just a white tee and Timbs/Nike Boots/Air Force Ones every where we go...have some flavor....

But more importantly I just want someone who is INTO me...I mean really into me, from the way he looks into my eyes, to the way he rubs my cheek, the way he holds my hand...just is a MAN NOT a male (and YES brothas I know that requires me to be a WOMAN and NOT a female..I am willing to do my part as long as he is willing to do his)...

So although I do have a "jones" for Jim Jones...that's NOT my reality is a God fearing/spiritual (not just religious, because you can go to church EVERY Sunday and NOT know a THANG about GOD or have a relationship with him) clean-cut/eclectic, upright, honest, loving, intelligent, strong, faithful brother...NOW THAT'S SEXY....

A brotha that's in it to win and him against the world...doing it the RIGHT way...

That's my reality....

why are you single?


that's what I want to yell at someone every time asks me that freaking question

its always followed by you are so smart or you are so sweet and giving or whatever

for like the umptenth time i had an older person ask me why i am not married

i was in training for 5 days with older said person and everyone in the room was in a committed relationshiop, even those younger in the class were at least in a bf/gf relationship,

not me, single

so he asked "why aren't you married yet?"
the ex asked me that 3 weeks ago, his cousin asked me that as well...

my answer:


I have self reflected, self evaluated, listened to others tried to grow taken the critism, the lesson's learned and all that...

i don't have an attitude like i used to, i cook, i clean, i wash, i work, i am affectionate, i will admit that i don't openly express my feelings like i used to or even allow myself to have feelings because they have been hurt


ask them dudes why they haven't found me yet

one of my girls asked me once "do you think you are meant to be married"

that hurt...why? because you mean to tell me YOU can be meant to have your hearts desires but not me...



i guess people think i want to be single because i am fine with it

no i have learned the lesson of enjoying my life and where i am right now and not letting life pass me by just because i don't have a husband and a family

but that doesn't mean i am HAPPY about it

I am "cool" with it because i am not going to drive myself crazy with "what if" or "how come them and not me"

when its my turn it will be my turn

but I wasn't going to stop living and doing me just because i was "waiting on a man"

so i bought a house, got a good job and live

i guess to the world around me i look sad or something

or maybe i should as said girl told me as well, "get a trainer"

maybe if i was a LSLHT (light skin long hair thin) girl then i'd find a man or he'd find me rather

but then its like when i went into the grocery last night and this dude was ON my back and another one was like "hey beautiful" i smiled and said HI

but nothing...

then there is the other situation which is driving me NUTS
(this is my blog right so i can be real)

why is it that you are dragging your feet?

WTH is wrong with you?

That's how i am feeling, here you have the opportunity that most people don't get and you drag your freaking feet...

and you know what i am not saying or doing anything about it because its not me and if you can't see what you have or the opportunity you have to have the love and support i am willing to offer than that's on you

what is wrong with people?!

everyone wants to play and have the girl in the video or "do them" or "run the streets"

if you have an opinoin
make money
have a home
aren't a size 6 or 10
and have values you get left in the dust or you get looked at like you are crazy

i told my mom the other night
"hell i should've just been a hood rat because they gets all the dudes no problems"

what the hell gives

and stop asking me why i am single because if I knew the hell why i wouldn't be

let me be happy in my own skin and let GOD work it out and stop asking me that question
people act like either i'll never have it because i am fat or strong or too independant (which this whole independant woman thing i am totally OVER) or whatever they think

its like i wanna yell


*drops mic, and gets off the soap box*

Friday, September 17, 2010

you ever...

miss someone

but the thing is a week ago you didn't even think missing them would ever be possible...

yea you believed in the unbelievable, ONCE upon a time...

you didn't think that there was second chances and the reality is you don't even know if there really is a second chance because why would there be why would there be a second chance for us or why would after EVERYTHING we have been through

but we might have that chance

i think about you that's for sure.........................

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

mood: sucks

at a new job, but this is it...

period the end i am done...after all i went through to get here and to finally be OFF probation

it started off ok and then it took a left turn down the dumps FAST...

on my anniversary date then there was so much other stuff going on

here is the thing, i don't know how i feel and everyone has an opinion and its WAY to much because its like if i don't agree with you i am letting this person influence me, and vice versa

how about everyone has a point and most of them are good some not so good, some valid some not

i don't know how i feel and i do NOT like feeling like this nor do i want to feel like i don't have control over my feelings or understand my feelings

the only person i want to talk to is my mom because she let's me talk she doesn't have an opinion and she let's me just work through my issues she doesn't act like she "knows" but she does know and she always make me feel better

even Golden knows that i am upset she kept giving me kisses to try to make me feel better...that's my boo for real

Kiamsha started again last night and it was a good orientation night i think the youth really opened up and we talked about what they are facing so that was good

i was truly in a bad mood but when i left i was in such a better mood they make me feel better because they don't want anything other than for someone to listen and to pay attention to them

but isn't that what we all want

Sunday, September 12, 2010

....full of emotions

the weekend was full of a lot of emotions...

a lot of emotions, most of them were WONDERFUL

i told you guys they were in love...

the two weddings that i have been blessed to partake in this year you could definitely see the LOVE, TRUE GODLY LOVE between a man and a woman

that its literally moving

its one of those things that its like "I WANT THAT, NOTHING LESS"

and that's the real...

so those emotions were very much so welcomed...

i had other emotions, that i don't know if i'll share on here...i can say the emotions were totally unexpected but i am making a mends with them...

i admitted that i no longer like emotions or feelings and that i don't know what to do with them when they come upon me so suddenly...

i have determined that a lot of times when i have a rush of emotions i become in short, a NUT CASE
and me and nutty don't mix ya dig...LOL

i like my peaceful, non dramatic existence, but i did say that i have to be open and i also said i needed to let HIS will be done in my life so i will let my personal emotions take time to evolve and reveal themselves as to what exactly they are and how and when to use them or not or whatever the case maybe

several years later and the feelings, emotions, care, is still there...

you ever seen someone you hadn't seen in months maybe even YEARS (as was my case) and the connection was still so strong its like you never missed that time at all?

like you finished thoughts, sentences...

or you have the most candid conversation EVER and its so effortless and respectful and easy...

but at the same time you know that the years are there

so the reality is that it will take time to become friends again and that being friends right now is the best thing for both of you because let's face it when you were friends that was the best time because it was the purest form of love you two have with one another it was the easiest and most joyous

so you just want your friend back, but you're more mature now, you've learned now, you understand things from a new point of view

but there is life, time, distance, all the same things that were there before...

so you hold onto the moment though because if nothing else you know you had that one all nighter conversation you have been longing for and didn't even know it...

Friday, September 10, 2010

and another one

maybe because i am not the maid of honor or maybe because i am so happy for my lil sis

she is getting married!

i can't believe it, i remember saying to her last year this time that it was coming...

and the Sunday after Christmas in church he proposed in front of her family and friends

and now tomorrow, she will be married a wife, HIS WIFE

i think i do feel this for all of my girls that have gotten married...

I love LOVE real LOVE

Black LOVE

well in this day and age i'll take purple love, you know someone that really loves you no matter

you know what's rocking in my ears right now,

"love of my life" by Erykah Badu and Common...

this rocks...

i have been happy all week, maybe its because I got me some hurr...LOL

maybe its because i know her entire family is coming and its going to be a HUGE event and she is going to look like an angel...

maybe its the fact that i get to get "dolled up"

maybe its just me feeling happy for someone else other than me and i know that in the end knowing someone has a love to call their own...

ooohhhh you know you rock my world, you be boy and i'll be don't stop until the break of dawnnnnnnnnnnnn

repeat repeat repeat repeat...

marrying your best friend is the way to go!


Sunday, September 05, 2010

I'm just a soul....

i think its always easiest to be misunderstood when you don't understand yourself at the present time..

my mind is spinning...i am replaying scenes in my head over and over again and the girlie side of me is coming out and i am day dreaming about things that may never be or could never be...

let me not only be misunderstood by others let me not be misunderstood in and of myself..

its times like these when i wish my mind where strictly black and white and not these shades of gray