blogging

i need to

i am busy

its this wedding

its a lot

someone dropped out

insanity

i should've just had my two

itsallgoodthough

263 days

that's how long i have before i become a m.r.s.

can you believe it?

i have my venue
i have my dress, my veil, my jewelry, and i know what shoes i want

i know what dresses i want the girls to wear
you name it, its done

that's a good thing

i have yet to really process the meaning of being a wife and a mother

i need time to do that
i need time to purge and make room in my house

i need to do a lot of things not even so much externally but internally
i need to work on my patience
i need to learn to be more positive and enjoy the little things a lot more than i do now

there are a lot of things that need to get down in the next 263 days

but the good thing is i know that i am up for it

i just have to really get out of this selfish state that i currently find myself in
i don't want to do a lot of things i know i wife must do
you know like let stuff go
trust him to make the right decision
things like that

don't get me wrong the man has proved to me that he knows how to make a decision
however, this is the blessing and the curse of getting married in your 30s
you know how to take care of yourself and you know what you want
but those same things can put you in the mindset of I don't need no man

ha
but i do want one and the one i want is HIM

so we'll make it work
and i know it will be OK

still

hasn't set in yet that i am engaged but it has set in that i am getting married?

doesn't sound right and it isn't...
i am presently being pressed out to find a venue and select a date
and while i get this need, without the venue you can't have a date...and a lot of times the venue determines the date

i wasn't prepared for picking colors or different ones
finding dresses for the girls
finding a dress for myself
thinking about flowers
budget and more budget

all these things that really only encompass ONE day of my life!
that's it just ONE

i am doing all that is required because well i am picky, he is picky and we want things done a certain way...but at the same time i am also really ready to focus on the two main things:
being a WIFE and being a MOTHER

those are the two things that I personally need to work on

and the best way for me to do those things is to work on and strengthen my relationship with the Almighty

I need to talk to strong women in Christ that understand what it takes to be married

we got into this weekend, nothing major as we tend to bicker over minor things, and it hit me that i can't just up and leave, i can't up and just let it be, we have to WORK it out and through it

I need patience
he needs understanding

we both need a lot of things actually

so i am just looking to work on the things that we need in pre-marital counseling...both spiritually and practically...

i need to understand my purpose as a Wife biblically speaking and i need to know his expectations
i also need to understand his expectations as a mother to lil D...

i also need for him to know my expectations...

so although i am planning a wedding
i am focused on my marriage...

i refused to just get caught up in a day for 300+ (i know insane but that's the number) people but the FOUR at the center of it all-HIM, me, O and lil D

258

...that's the number of days i have until my tentative wedding date!

and do you know these people, how wonderful they are, are driving me NUTS already...

so let me back up first...

as of Sunday, December 25, 2011...I am NOW an engaged woman!

crazy right

when did we start this journey together? June of 2006...this is my 590th blog post and after all the years and my tears...someone finally did it, they asked me to marry him..

funny thing is he was the reason i started the blog...
broken heart after what 5 years together things didn't pan out, but last year, things seemed to turn around...slow and steady, bumpy at times, but we moved along

it was the same but different, we both grew. we are now both grown. we both learned...

he's still the only man, other than my daddy, that truly puts up with me...
not saying that i am all that bad, but i can say that i am perfect within my imperfections and complex to say the least
but he's so calm with me so sure, so everything...

i've always dreamed of the moment and though i won't tell it here
i will say it was quiet, special, and HIM (and lil D, as they asked me to marry them)...the three of us that's it...

totally going against my demands of "I do not want it on Christmas" and totally in line with me
i didn't cry, i sat and i heard every lil word he said...and once i said the words and he hugged me

i knew and i cried!

actually i knew a while ago

when my mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer this summer
i was angry
really angry
she's a breast cancer survivor and i just didn't feel like she deserved that yet again

but he was the one to calm me down and to tell me some things about faith
he was clam and reassuring
stern and yet patient

everything i needed and it just clicked that you know what he loves me

so in 258 days i'll be getting married to the only guy that's ever got me, stuck with me, and came back to get me

i was chosen

sounds so ....

but every woman (i'll speak for those i know) wants to be chosen

and i was

self made

that's the name of the MMG song that was playing on my iPod the other day, when i initially thought to write this blog...
in the MMG stars rap about being a "self made" who had come to get the things and all of their accomplishments by themselves (as they rap on a song together)

and all that I could honestly think about was how i would have NEVER made it alone

that's the thing

no matter how much "we've got it going on"
in terms of a job, a house, a truck, a whatever

i can personally state that i wouldn't have any of these things without my parents, my friends and several mentors along the way

to actually sit and think that you have done anything alone is pretty sad

most of us have parents, or at least one parent or an aunt, an uncle, someone that is there for them

and those that don't really do have to work hard and climb up by their boot straps

i can't sit here and front like i have had it so hard
things were never handed to me and i have taken many of a blow but i have never taken a blow alone...whenever i needed love, advice, or just someone to reassure me that everything was going to be OK...i had the love and support...of my parents or someone else...

most recently, i was told that i was not the most qualified candidate for two positions for which i applied...although others in my specific job role and that i work with also received the same email, to say it wasn't a blow would be an understatement...it was a difficult thing to swallow i haven't NOT gotten a job since 2007...but hey it happens and sometimes it happens to remind us of what is really important and who we really are..

so with all that being said

i know that without the others in my life i wouldn't be who i am and i wouldn't be where i am right now...

12-2-11

its that time of year again and it seems like the time where things become reflective and you try to gain some sort of perspective

we are talking about the past
looking forward to the future
and sometimes we aren't enjoying the present

sometimes we are enjoying the holidays
sometimes we are avoiding the holidays

but this time of year seems to be pretty simple if you ask me in terms of the repetitive nature that a few of us tend to go through

but here is how its different for me

i honestly feel like telling people about themselves

you know these same people that tend to believe that they have it all together but really don't
you know these people that give it but don't take it-as in advice
you know these people that are BLESSED beyond measure but have NO clue how to just sit back and appreciate what it is that they have be it a new home, a marriage, a new baby on the way...but it doesn't matter because its NEVER good enough
you know these people that have gotten MOST of what they've prayed for but it's not good enough

those people..but then if i decided TO infact call them out on theirs, i'd have to call me out on my own...so then i'd be one of those people right-RIGHT

i think for me, myself, the one thing that i am going to do is just appreciate, for once, where i am, what i have, and WHO i am!

its not about maybes, should've/would've/could've
its not about what i don't have
its not about anything other than...

just sitting back and appreciating the life that i HAVE
perfect it is NOT
perfect i am NOT

but its a blessing
despite it all its a blessing

we go through life so many times looking for the BIG nickel we don't see the Quarter in our hand

the stats

...what is it?

marriage

for who, all those people that they keep doing these studies on...and it has more to do with money than spiritual reasons

so i sat and talked with two couples this weekend

both couples together for about 10 years, both couples have kids, both couples live in ONE home

and he is just as involved with his kids and she is...they are in love and WANT to be married...so then the question becomes, well why don't they just get married...

the answer: they can't afford it

a lot of young women live in homes where they receive assistance, he works, she works, but still with child care costs, etc, they can't afford to be married and lose the assistance

so what does that mean, well that means in society eyes they children belong to a single parent home, regardless that there are both parents are raising their kids and not just sitting in the house doing nothing but truly contributing to their families

further more these men are IN love with their women and are committed to them

I say all of that to say, the judgement that society and we can place on people can sometimes be overwhelming so before we assume that these studies or what we think (not know) is correct we should have conversations first

DISCLAIMER: this is not a religious debate blog, i personally prefer to be married and let it all work itself out, HOWEVER, i am also financially dependant and everyone is not afforded that opportunity...FURTHERMORE, both couples know the biblical stance, this is a post strictly about the financial aspects facing a lot of couples