Wednesday, May 28, 2014

reflection

this morning we learned the beloved author, poet, activist Dr. Maya Angelou passed away

immediately the interwebs were all a buzz regarding all the wonderful accomplishments she's made in her 86 years of life

one of her last tweets was this:
"Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God."

like WOW
that's majorly profound
the words she used were amazing and they will live forever

just like her quote:
“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them,”

it's those instances of "mother wisdom" that makes you stop and take pause and reflect on your life
like what is my dash

when i look at my 33 years on this earth thus far what does my dash stand for
if i left this earth TODAY what would my dash say

i realize it doesn't say all that i want it to say
i've done the giving back
i've got degrees
i've gotten married
i've raised (raising but still) a child

ok AND....

where is my overall contribution to the world?
where's my contribution to society?
where are my goals and dreams of having a major impact?

should i be a writer
NO
i know my joy and love is young people
i know i find joy in making people happy
in helping others

the world will forever be impacted by Dr. Angelou, her contributions will live on
my children's children will read her books and poems
her passing has social media refocusing from the KimYe wedding and TI/Tiny foolishness to looking at the historical impact she has had on our society as a whole
not just black america
not just being a woman
but her overall impact

and it just makes me stop and think about what my overall impact can be
we all have a gift
we all have untapped potential
we are all meant to be something great

i want to be something greater than i am
something to reflect on as we think of the life and times of this GREAT woman

Monday, May 19, 2014

hastagging and other jazz

it has been a cold minute since i have blogged
not because i don't want to blog
but simply because

1. blogger on my computer doesn't seem to format correctly
2. i have jive been busy

i remember when blogging was an escape
a place for me to be "heard" if by no one other than myself
and i really enjoyed that part of me, of my life...writing about what mattered most at a particular time
like the one time i blogged about blowing eggs up
or the one time i blogged about cysts
or that one time i blogged about my dad being sick
but mostly i think i blogged about what i was missing or lacking in my life

L O V E

yes LOVE is what i was lacking
not just from anyone other than
but SELF LOVE was what was lacking the most

i think being a wife and a mom has taught me how to love myself better
because it makes you become a better person
loving and giving to two other people you learn to give more to yourself or to be more accepting of yourself

Let me start with saying this
I was, am and possibly will ALWAYS be an extremely sensitive person
i don't like if people don't like me
i want to be liked
i want to be cool
i want to be understood

and i SEE my son has those same traits EXACT SAME TRAITS
and i don't like that for him
I want him to be confident in his own  skin as his own being
i want him to know that no matter what DVD is just fine the way he is

so that means i have to look at me
how do i become OK with my size
how do i become OK with the fact that i sound country
how do i become OK with the fact that i am loud

and i just decided to be ok with it
maybe it comes from age and experience or maybe it comes with being an example for someone else
but learning to love yourself, like truly love yourself, flaws and all, NOT because it's the "right" or "cool" thing to say but because that's how you feel about you truly does make a HUGE difference in your life

for the most part lately i have been enjoying life and enjoying the space i am in
my hard work  AT work is starting to pay off
my hard work with my kid is evident daily with the way he speaks and talks and thinks
this kid is so smart and asks so may questions and he's so polite and respectful and he's a good kid
i am hard on him at 4 because at 14 i don't want to have to hurt him
and i can see the fruits of my labor
now to get him to be ok being him

being married is a lot of work
i tell my single friends all the time, enjoy this singleness, enjoy this alone time right now, because its a lot of work
a lot of giving
a lot of sitting back and KNOWING how something is going to end but letting them make whatever mistakes and decisions they must make on their own
own their own
you must as a wife let your husband fall on his own sometimes
like do you know how HARD that is? to just sit back and let him mess up something
and you KNOW how its going to end, but you have to just wait and see

it's BEYOND HARD
but its worth it for them to finally say "you were right"
and NOT because you want to be "right" but because you want them to respect that even as a head of household, you as their helpmate, you definitely have the household's best interest in mind

but i think that takes us all time
the older  you are when you get married
the more STUFF that comes into your marriage
it may be emotional baggage
it may be that you have financial baggage
it may be that you have the house
or it may be you make more money

but we all have STUFF

so working through your stuff, good or bad, you have to deal with it, work through it, while you are working with someone else's stuff and then you gotta deal with the stuff you develop while being married

it's a lot of work
it's a lot dying to yourself daily

I've said it before and i'll say it again, the opposite of love isn't hate it's selfishness

I am working on being not only selfless with others but being selfless with myself

Saturday, February 01, 2014

it's been a min

it's a lot going on in life right now
as much as i need 2014 NOT to be like 2013
it definitely is starting to look like it might just turn out to be that way

i want peace
i want bliss
i want joy
i want to just simply be happy

why is that so darn hard

the responsibilities of life are just simply OVERWHELMING

i need this sense of being overwhelmed to just simply go away

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

personal freedom

“I’m addicted to growing and living as unapologetically as possible” Shannon S. Evans

That right there is dope and deep I was introduced to this blog via jaj and I am glad that I clicked the link.

It clearly reemphasis the way that I have been feeling lately about a lot of things. I have always been a very sensitive person; a lot of times people don’t see that side because I am also a very loud, funny, a very vocal person, but being sensitive is at my core. What is also at my core is my ability to love and be genuine with those in my life.

I don’t fake or front (ain’t no future in fronting) I don’t want to say “I am real” because when you have to say that, it brings about the notion you really aren’t. As i continue to grow, I realize there is so much more that I need to learn as a woman.

One area that haunts me is the fact that I allow others and their opinions of me or the way they treat me to totally derail what I think and believe about myself.

That is utterly tragic.

It really is!

And its people that aren’t even in my circle. These are people that don’t know me or even get to know me because of some preconceived notion of what they “think” I am based on who a friend is, or where I come from, or my voice. (I have actually had people meet me in person and say by the way you sounded on the phone I would have never pictured you looking like this...what does that mean?)

Today marks the 50th anniversary of the “I have a Dream” speech and as I was coming into work reflecting on the movement, that my mother and great aunt and uncle were apart of, it hit me what the issue is.

It’s all a competition for our generation!

There is no longer a community or a collective, there's no longer a common goal that we seek to be better, it’s all about the competition, i need to better than you, and if i have to knock you down or tear you down to get that, i will. You got that house, I am going to get one bigger, you got that car I am going to get one nicer. I have never been in competition with people in life (well other than debate) I have always been extremely happy and genuine when people in MY life succeed, but I am realizing not everyone views life this way.

MOST people, even family, view life as a competition; and I realize I have been losing a race that I didn’t even know I was supposed to be running. Now aint that something! I have been insecure, a lot actually. But never in competition with people; the only person I am in competition with is myself. How can I be better? What can I do differently? What is my next move? I am always looking for the big nickel in my own life and happy when others reach theirs.

My ah ha moment is that MOST PEOPLE DON’T VIEW THE WORLD LIKE THIS!

If I allow what people think of ME to dictate how I view myself I will always fall short.
I'll say that again, if I allow what other people think of me, dictate how i view myself, I will always fall short.

This is what I have been allowing to happen.

Comments about my weight

Or slights about just looking “nice” the day I got married

Hurtful words and actions, dictating to me how I should feel.

When they are coming from people that haven’t even given me a chance, people that don’t know me.

So why again am I allowing these people take from me what I know to be true, that I am a really good person, flawed, emotional, loyal, but most of all genuine.

Sometimes you have to just sit back and reflect on where you are and WHO you are the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have given way to much power over me to people recently all in the hopes of being accepted but for what?

What acceptance or approval really do I personally need from people who haven’t even taken the real time to get to know me?

I am thankful that my spirit is one of love and joy and peace for others. That I never wonder why her and not me, that I always think WOW that’s great and not oh yea nice.

Realizing that this morning, realizing that my spirit in engrained with what the movement was about so many years ago, knowing that my mother passed those beautiful traits down to me, it gave me such a sense of self worth and love and peace this morning!

I feel myself coming back full circle to myself seeing people and things and life for what it is, and being ok with that.

But most of all seeing myself for who I am and frankly speaking, I am alright and i don't need to apologize for WHO I AM!

Thursday, August 08, 2013

blogger is bugging

I have written a wonderful post (in my mind) BUT BLOGGER IS BUGGING so i'll post when it stops

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

all over the place randomness

so i have finally said enough is enough
i just had a snapped moment
i didn't like what i saw in the mirror
so i decided to do something serious about it
i already belong to weight watchers
i already belong to planet fitness

so i decided as of Monday, May 20th to actually utilize these tools
so i am working hard
tracking my food, turning them into points
doing my pre workout stretching at home
going to the gym doing at least 30 mins
coming home doing a little bit more working out and stretching

that might not seem like a lot to many
but for someone whose been told my medical professionals
you need to work out, but you really shouldn't because of your heart
but i figure doing 30 mins a day will help build my strength and endurance and then it'll help build my heart muscles again

it takes 3 weeks/21 days to form a habit so I am just determined to keep focused and form this life style change habit

i am glad i decided to join weight watches because it doesn't mean my family has to change what they are eating, but it helps us all watch what we are eating
and hopefully we'll all get out there and get moving physically as a family

the other thing that's been on my mind is this fear of raising a little black boy
i can't even describe how much a fear it has become for me
he has everything against him
he has everything going for him
but knowing how they mark children as delinquents as early as the 3rd grade
knowing how they are "selling" children into the juvenile system as young as 10
knowing that no matter how smart, how determined, how educated, nice, fun, active he is
people will judge him off of his look before he even opens his mouth
scares me

he's turning 4 in 3 months
and i am already looking at what school he'll be in NEXT fall
how much it will cost
because the public schools in our area aren't good enough for him
the one elementary school in the county that is good
there is always a waiting list
the private school he'll be attending is highly rated and recommended
because you have to watch these private school and charter schools just like you do public

he's such an intelligent, free spirited, loving young man
we want him in an independent school where his spirit won't be crushed

but that means mommy and daddy have a year to get our money up and right
debt down
start putting money aside
building our contingency fund
and get out of debt some more
again all debt non wedding debt but debt

so now we have
1. weight lost/lifestyle change
2. reducing debt
3. preparing lil man for school

a short list but a whole lot of major things

my health is moving forward and who knows i may or may not actually see a LB reduction on June 13, but I just want to be able to say and KNOW that i invested the time in myself to be happy with myself
and you know the old saying happy wife happy life

til next time

Monday, May 06, 2013

current mood: Happy

i am in a pretty darn good mood
tired
but happy

one our god-daugh ter was christened yesterday
it was a pretty cool day

i decided to give up carbs but allow myself a "cheat" day
well not only did i CHEAT yesterday due to the events i had several partners
it was a mess
a wonderful good mess
every single item

it was cool being around family too

we got some work to do with our son though
it's such a balance at this age
finding teachable moments
getting him not to whine about every single thing to get his way
getting people to not let him get his way
he's a single child so he definitely doesn't like to share, so we need to work on teaching him and showing him that we share
he is terriotorial and although a good thing at times, can lead to break downs because he doesn't want anyone to play with us
AND he can just be plain rude....they are definitely lil people
children have their own minds so we are learning right with him about how to be better parents and better examples actually

LESSON: loving other people how they need to be loved (even children) makes YOU a better person, pushes you to be better and more understanding

at the end of the night when it was time to leave, instead of having a fit because we were leaving his mom mom and pop pop, he grabbed our hands, putting himself in the middle, and said let's go, he wouldn't leave without both of us...that's a PRICELESS happy moment!

today
BACK to the reality
NO carbs (breads, sugars, etc)
fruits
veggies
min good carbs (sweet pototatoes, corn)

i aslo saw my mentor
she makes me happy
just her hugs makes me happy
saw her and two of my sistah girls, my mentors sister, and my girls hubby
they all make me happy
the energy
the love
the joy
the talking
giggling

lunch is always too short
but at least i am in a position to take a lunch now

funny how little things that people don't even think about mean SO much to you when you can't do them

i am starting to get tired but supposed to see another sister friend this evening
she'll be in town for work

so for a Monday
it's been full of love and laughter and Joy already

there's something else brewing (NOT A BABY) that i'll share once it's done that also has me really excited for someone i love

so you know i am HAPPY and I am going to ride this feeling until i can't no mo