Saturday, February 01, 2014

it's been a min

it's a lot going on in life right now
as much as i need 2014 NOT to be like 2013
it definitely is starting to look like it might just turn out to be that way

i want peace
i want bliss
i want joy
i want to just simply be happy

why is that so darn hard

the responsibilities of life are just simply OVERWHELMING

i need this sense of being overwhelmed to just simply go away

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

personal freedom

“I’m addicted to growing and living as unapologetically as possible” Shannon S. Evans

That right there is dope and deep I was introduced to this blog via jaj and I am glad that I clicked the link.

It clearly reemphasis the way that I have been feeling lately about a lot of things. I have always been a very sensitive person; a lot of times people don’t see that side because I am also a very loud, funny, a very vocal person, but being sensitive is at my core. What is also at my core is my ability to love and be genuine with those in my life.

I don’t fake or front (ain’t no future in fronting) I don’t want to say “I am real” because when you have to say that, it brings about the notion you really aren’t. As i continue to grow, I realize there is so much more that I need to learn as a woman.

One area that haunts me is the fact that I allow others and their opinions of me or the way they treat me to totally derail what I think and believe about myself.

That is utterly tragic.

It really is!

And its people that aren’t even in my circle. These are people that don’t know me or even get to know me because of some preconceived notion of what they “think” I am based on who a friend is, or where I come from, or my voice. (I have actually had people meet me in person and say by the way you sounded on the phone I would have never pictured you looking like this...what does that mean?)

Today marks the 50th anniversary of the “I have a Dream” speech and as I was coming into work reflecting on the movement, that my mother and great aunt and uncle were apart of, it hit me what the issue is.

It’s all a competition for our generation!

There is no longer a community or a collective, there's no longer a common goal that we seek to be better, it’s all about the competition, i need to better than you, and if i have to knock you down or tear you down to get that, i will. You got that house, I am going to get one bigger, you got that car I am going to get one nicer. I have never been in competition with people in life (well other than debate) I have always been extremely happy and genuine when people in MY life succeed, but I am realizing not everyone views life this way.

MOST people, even family, view life as a competition; and I realize I have been losing a race that I didn’t even know I was supposed to be running. Now aint that something! I have been insecure, a lot actually. But never in competition with people; the only person I am in competition with is myself. How can I be better? What can I do differently? What is my next move? I am always looking for the big nickel in my own life and happy when others reach theirs.


If I allow what people think of ME to dictate how I view myself I will always fall short.
I'll say that again, if I allow what other people think of me, dictate how i view myself, I will always fall short.

This is what I have been allowing to happen.

Comments about my weight

Or slights about just looking “nice” the day I got married

Hurtful words and actions, dictating to me how I should feel.

When they are coming from people that haven’t even given me a chance, people that don’t know me.

So why again am I allowing these people take from me what I know to be true, that I am a really good person, flawed, emotional, loyal, but most of all genuine.

Sometimes you have to just sit back and reflect on where you are and WHO you are the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have given way to much power over me to people recently all in the hopes of being accepted but for what?

What acceptance or approval really do I personally need from people who haven’t even taken the real time to get to know me?

I am thankful that my spirit is one of love and joy and peace for others. That I never wonder why her and not me, that I always think WOW that’s great and not oh yea nice.

Realizing that this morning, realizing that my spirit in engrained with what the movement was about so many years ago, knowing that my mother passed those beautiful traits down to me, it gave me such a sense of self worth and love and peace this morning!

I feel myself coming back full circle to myself seeing people and things and life for what it is, and being ok with that.

But most of all seeing myself for who I am and frankly speaking, I am alright and i don't need to apologize for WHO I AM!

Thursday, August 08, 2013

blogger is bugging

I have written a wonderful post (in my mind) BUT BLOGGER IS BUGGING so i'll post when it stops

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

all over the place randomness

so i have finally said enough is enough
i just had a snapped moment
i didn't like what i saw in the mirror
so i decided to do something serious about it
i already belong to weight watchers
i already belong to planet fitness

so i decided as of Monday, May 20th to actually utilize these tools
so i am working hard
tracking my food, turning them into points
doing my pre workout stretching at home
going to the gym doing at least 30 mins
coming home doing a little bit more working out and stretching

that might not seem like a lot to many
but for someone whose been told my medical professionals
you need to work out, but you really shouldn't because of your heart
but i figure doing 30 mins a day will help build my strength and endurance and then it'll help build my heart muscles again

it takes 3 weeks/21 days to form a habit so I am just determined to keep focused and form this life style change habit

i am glad i decided to join weight watches because it doesn't mean my family has to change what they are eating, but it helps us all watch what we are eating
and hopefully we'll all get out there and get moving physically as a family

the other thing that's been on my mind is this fear of raising a little black boy
i can't even describe how much a fear it has become for me
he has everything against him
he has everything going for him
but knowing how they mark children as delinquents as early as the 3rd grade
knowing how they are "selling" children into the juvenile system as young as 10
knowing that no matter how smart, how determined, how educated, nice, fun, active he is
people will judge him off of his look before he even opens his mouth
scares me

he's turning 4 in 3 months
and i am already looking at what school he'll be in NEXT fall
how much it will cost
because the public schools in our area aren't good enough for him
the one elementary school in the county that is good
there is always a waiting list
the private school he'll be attending is highly rated and recommended
because you have to watch these private school and charter schools just like you do public

he's such an intelligent, free spirited, loving young man
we want him in an independent school where his spirit won't be crushed

but that means mommy and daddy have a year to get our money up and right
debt down
start putting money aside
building our contingency fund
and get out of debt some more
again all debt non wedding debt but debt

so now we have
1. weight lost/lifestyle change
2. reducing debt
3. preparing lil man for school

a short list but a whole lot of major things

my health is moving forward and who knows i may or may not actually see a LB reduction on June 13, but I just want to be able to say and KNOW that i invested the time in myself to be happy with myself
and you know the old saying happy wife happy life

til next time

Monday, May 06, 2013

current mood: Happy

i am in a pretty darn good mood
but happy

one our god-daugh ter was christened yesterday
it was a pretty cool day

i decided to give up carbs but allow myself a "cheat" day
well not only did i CHEAT yesterday due to the events i had several partners
it was a mess
a wonderful good mess
every single item

it was cool being around family too

we got some work to do with our son though
it's such a balance at this age
finding teachable moments
getting him not to whine about every single thing to get his way
getting people to not let him get his way
he's a single child so he definitely doesn't like to share, so we need to work on teaching him and showing him that we share
he is terriotorial and although a good thing at times, can lead to break downs because he doesn't want anyone to play with us
AND he can just be plain rude....they are definitely lil people
children have their own minds so we are learning right with him about how to be better parents and better examples actually

LESSON: loving other people how they need to be loved (even children) makes YOU a better person, pushes you to be better and more understanding

at the end of the night when it was time to leave, instead of having a fit because we were leaving his mom mom and pop pop, he grabbed our hands, putting himself in the middle, and said let's go, he wouldn't leave without both of us...that's a PRICELESS happy moment!

BACK to the reality
NO carbs (breads, sugars, etc)
min good carbs (sweet pototatoes, corn)

i aslo saw my mentor
she makes me happy
just her hugs makes me happy
saw her and two of my sistah girls, my mentors sister, and my girls hubby
they all make me happy
the energy
the love
the joy
the talking

lunch is always too short
but at least i am in a position to take a lunch now

funny how little things that people don't even think about mean SO much to you when you can't do them

i am starting to get tired but supposed to see another sister friend this evening
she'll be in town for work

so for a Monday
it's been full of love and laughter and Joy already

there's something else brewing (NOT A BABY) that i'll share once it's done that also has me really excited for someone i love

so you know i am HAPPY and I am going to ride this feeling until i can't no mo

Friday, May 03, 2013


i am sure i have journaled here about this topic of health and weight before
but yesterday's doctor visit just had me so upset i was on the verge of spitting absolute nails

so 43 is the number of LBs i have gained since last August when i was diagnosed with graves disease (Hyperthyroid condition)
i gained the weight because i was subsequently i was put on heart medication as well as other medication, went through RAI treatment and then more medication all to KILL the thyroid gland (which still isn't fully deaded yet) BUT while going through all of this
i have had a reaction to the initial medication, the initial RAI results showed my gland was slow to die, put back on another medication, which my body started rejecting as well and all in an attempt again to KILL the thyroid which then makes you HYPO the opposite of HYPER and thus the weight gain however, it's still a small dose and the thyroid is still NOT deaded yet

i can't exercise for long period of times because of my heart
i can't be outside for long periods of time to even walk because of the heart medication

BUT here's the thing
i still tried as i might to watch what i ate and things to no avail

however, yesterday, finally i was able to be placed on a medication to replace the thyroid harmon!
this is big because you have to really reduce the function of the thyroid gland to replace it, and replacing it is with a drug that acts like the thyroid finally will give me some relief AND allow my metabolism to come back because being HYPO i have NONE, hence the rapid weight gain

so we got all of that right, ok...

so then the dr whose care i have only been under since August to assume i merely gained back the weight i initially lost was uninformed, ridiculous and insensitive to boot.
to then follow it up with well count your calories and know you'll have to fight your weight
was just plain unprofessional
in the manor in which he said it

especially after acknowledging that i one made the right call to take myself off of a med because i could tell i was becoming hypo the weight gain was to rapid and i have actually been more active than i have when i was working nights
and then to just be flip about it almost had me flip out, ESP after i just said to you I am the heaviest i have EVER been in my life and this is a concern of mine

the reality is I am not comfortable in my own skin
people don't get that
especially people who don't have health issues and just think oh well it must be something she is doing
well you have graves and have your life turned upside down and be on how many pills daily and see how you feel with your heart coming out of your chest every single day
even people that love you and support you only get it but so much

i have never been smaller than a size 6 my freshman year of collage and i looked pretty mehhhh when i was
i like curves
i don't like feeling LARGE and that's how i feel
it's uncomfortable

i am a memeber of weight watchers already but I will use them as i should
i am cutting out the carbs and sugars as well (which i don't eat as much of but clearly i can't have any)
and regardless of how i feel i will start trying to walk at least 30 mins daily on the treadmill, even when my body hurts and i am tired because that's how i feel every single day

see going from hyper to hypo to hyper to hypo all in less than a year as taken its toll on my mind, body and spirit

i have my wedding day i am so happy i felt and looked amazing on that day
that was GOD because the week after everything fell apart health wise and its been a downward spiral ever since

part of the reason i decided to remain with this practice and not Hopkins was because of the doctor and his care, but after his attitude yesterday and the last few weeks, I think i need to find another specialist and one who can also help me understand proper weight management and not just assume i am another minority woman who has no concept of what to eat, eats what she wants and does take care

for the record:
i don't eat friend foods, pork, beef or dairy!
i don't eat cookies and cakes all the time
i eat fish, chicken, turkey
NOT McDonald's or wendy's or chik-a-fila
i don't drink soda (other than ginger ale because i stay sick all day long) or sweet tea (it actually makes my nerves bad because of the graves)
i drink nothing but smart water or fiji because its best for me with graves spring water isn't god for you
i need extra electrolytes

i take more than 10,000 steps per day

i could go on and on and on

i guess i needed to get this off of my chest because the reality is, it's hurtful for people to assume that you WANT to look and feel this way and you GOT here because you are lazy and/or you eat what you want
you aren't trying to "keep it tight" for your man
you are just another lazy fat black woman

when people question my weight, family/friends/collegues (because people are that bold) and medical professionals included, that's what you are saying to me

so i share this because you NEVER know why someone is the size or weight that they are
you NEVER know what condition or medication they are on to deal with their issues
you can't SEE everything
nor will someone SHARE everything

this has been an emerging condition for the past 5 years of my life turns out

so next time
just a thought


Thursday, April 18, 2013

the mind...

can take you to another level
both positive and negative
it can have you envision your future
and it can have you reliving painful pasts or making up things that don't exist

in the classic words of the ghetto boys
"my minds playing tricks on me"

i don't know but i do know there is a difference between how you feel and what's real

for example
there are a few pregnant women in my new office
and they freak me OUT
not because i dont' think its a beautiful thing
because it is
they have a glow and the whole nine
they have the benefit of repeating the same outfit in a week because who is going to tell a pregnant lady she can't do that!
they wear flip flops in a very conservative environment

but that waddle
that pain in their faces
that belly dropping EVERY SINGLE DAY
it freaks me out

being broke freaks me out
there is something about the idea of not having enough money at any given moment for any given life tragedy that really freaks me out
not being able to take vacations
or go to see my parents
or put my son in private school
it all overwhelms me
and i say me because it was decided upon that i would take that responsibility to manage the finances of our household

yea i could do it for just me
making sure the money works for ALL THREE people a lot

the fact that people constantly want to know when we are going to "have a little girl" makes me roll my eyes like my momma would
ummm i'll have another baby when you can come take care of her and pay for her
like i don't know what goes on in folks MINDS
didn't i just have radiation?

maybe it's just all a test though to see how much faith we really have because in order to maneuver through all the mind traps and questions of others you have to really have faith that things will 1 be alright 2 if they aren't alright will work out anyway 3 be better than expected

so you know its all a matter of just pushing forward every single day