current mood: Happy

i am in a pretty darn good mood
tired
but happy

one our god-daugh ter was christened yesterday
it was a pretty cool day

i decided to give up carbs but allow myself a "cheat" day
well not only did i CHEAT yesterday due to the events i had several partners
it was a mess
a wonderful good mess
every single item

it was cool being around family too

we got some work to do with our son though
it's such a balance at this age
finding teachable moments
getting him not to whine about every single thing to get his way
getting people to not let him get his way
he's a single child so he definitely doesn't like to share, so we need to work on teaching him and showing him that we share
he is terriotorial and although a good thing at times, can lead to break downs because he doesn't want anyone to play with us
AND he can just be plain rude....they are definitely lil people
children have their own minds so we are learning right with him about how to be better parents and better examples actually

LESSON: loving other people how they need to be loved (even children) makes YOU a better person, pushes you to be better and more understanding

at the end of the night when it was time to leave, instead of having a fit because we were leaving his mom mom and pop pop, he grabbed our hands, putting himself in the middle, and said let's go, he wouldn't leave without both of us...that's a PRICELESS happy moment!

today
BACK to the reality
NO carbs (breads, sugars, etc)
fruits
veggies
min good carbs (sweet pototatoes, corn)

i aslo saw my mentor
she makes me happy
just her hugs makes me happy
saw her and two of my sistah girls, my mentors sister, and my girls hubby
they all make me happy
the energy
the love
the joy
the talking
giggling

lunch is always too short
but at least i am in a position to take a lunch now

funny how little things that people don't even think about mean SO much to you when you can't do them

i am starting to get tired but supposed to see another sister friend this evening
she'll be in town for work

so for a Monday
it's been full of love and laughter and Joy already

there's something else brewing (NOT A BABY) that i'll share once it's done that also has me really excited for someone i love

so you know i am HAPPY and I am going to ride this feeling until i can't no mo

43

i am sure i have journaled here about this topic of health and weight before
but yesterday's doctor visit just had me so upset i was on the verge of spitting absolute nails

so 43 is the number of LBs i have gained since last August when i was diagnosed with graves disease (Hyperthyroid condition)
i gained the weight because i was subsequently i was put on heart medication as well as other medication, went through RAI treatment and then more medication all to KILL the thyroid gland (which still isn't fully deaded yet) BUT while going through all of this
i have had a reaction to the initial medication, the initial RAI results showed my gland was slow to die, put back on another medication, which my body started rejecting as well and all in an attempt again to KILL the thyroid which then makes you HYPO the opposite of HYPER and thus the weight gain however, it's still a small dose and the thyroid is still NOT deaded yet


i can't exercise for long period of times because of my heart
i can't be outside for long periods of time to even walk because of the heart medication

BUT here's the thing
i still tried as i might to watch what i ate and things to no avail

however, yesterday, finally i was able to be placed on a medication to replace the thyroid harmon!
FINALLY
this is big because you have to really reduce the function of the thyroid gland to replace it, and replacing it is with a drug that acts like the thyroid finally will give me some relief AND allow my metabolism to come back because being HYPO i have NONE, hence the rapid weight gain

so we got all of that right, ok...

so then the dr whose care i have only been under since August to assume i merely gained back the weight i initially lost was uninformed, ridiculous and insensitive to boot.
to then follow it up with well count your calories and know you'll have to fight your weight
was just plain unprofessional
in the manor in which he said it

especially after acknowledging that i one made the right call to take myself off of a med because i could tell i was becoming hypo the weight gain was to rapid and i have actually been more active than i have when i was working nights
and then to just be flip about it almost had me flip out, ESP after i just said to you I am the heaviest i have EVER been in my life and this is a concern of mine

the reality is I am not comfortable in my own skin
people don't get that
especially people who don't have health issues and just think oh well it must be something she is doing
well you have graves and have your life turned upside down and be on how many pills daily and see how you feel with your heart coming out of your chest every single day
even people that love you and support you only get it but so much

i have never been smaller than a size 6 my freshman year of collage and i looked pretty mehhhh when i was
i like curves
i don't like feeling LARGE and that's how i feel
it's uncomfortable

i am a memeber of weight watchers already but I will use them as i should
i am cutting out the carbs and sugars as well (which i don't eat as much of but clearly i can't have any)
and regardless of how i feel i will start trying to walk at least 30 mins daily on the treadmill, even when my body hurts and i am tired because that's how i feel every single day

see going from hyper to hypo to hyper to hypo all in less than a year as taken its toll on my mind, body and spirit

i have my wedding day i am so happy i felt and looked amazing on that day
that was GOD because the week after everything fell apart health wise and its been a downward spiral ever since

part of the reason i decided to remain with this practice and not Hopkins was because of the doctor and his care, but after his attitude yesterday and the last few weeks, I think i need to find another specialist and one who can also help me understand proper weight management and not just assume i am another minority woman who has no concept of what to eat, eats what she wants and does take care

for the record:
i don't eat friend foods, pork, beef or dairy!
i don't eat cookies and cakes all the time
i eat fish, chicken, turkey
veggies
NOT McDonald's or wendy's or chik-a-fila
i don't drink soda (other than ginger ale because i stay sick all day long) or sweet tea (it actually makes my nerves bad because of the graves)
i drink nothing but smart water or fiji because its best for me with graves spring water isn't god for you
i need extra electrolytes

i take more than 10,000 steps per day

i could go on and on and on

i guess i needed to get this off of my chest because the reality is, it's hurtful for people to assume that you WANT to look and feel this way and you GOT here because you are lazy and/or you eat what you want
you aren't trying to "keep it tight" for your man
you are just another lazy fat black woman

when people question my weight, family/friends/collegues (because people are that bold) and medical professionals included, that's what you are saying to me

so i share this because you NEVER know why someone is the size or weight that they are
you NEVER know what condition or medication they are on to deal with their issues
you can't SEE everything
nor will someone SHARE everything

this has been an emerging condition for the past 5 years of my life turns out

so next time
think
just a thought

peace

the mind...

can take you to another level
both positive and negative
it can have you envision your future
and it can have you reliving painful pasts or making up things that don't exist

in the classic words of the ghetto boys
"my minds playing tricks on me"

maybe?
i don't know but i do know there is a difference between how you feel and what's real

for example
pregnancy
there are a few pregnant women in my new office
and they freak me OUT
not because i dont' think its a beautiful thing
because it is
they have a glow and the whole nine
they have the benefit of repeating the same outfit in a week because who is going to tell a pregnant lady she can't do that!
they wear flip flops in a very conservative environment

but that waddle
that pain in their faces
that belly dropping EVERY SINGLE DAY
it freaks me out

being broke freaks me out
there is something about the idea of not having enough money at any given moment for any given life tragedy that really freaks me out
not being able to take vacations
or go to see my parents
or put my son in private school
it all overwhelms me
and i say me because it was decided upon that i would take that responsibility to manage the finances of our household

yea i could do it for just me
making sure the money works for ALL THREE people a lot

the fact that people constantly want to know when we are going to "have a little girl" makes me roll my eyes like my momma would
ummm i'll have another baby when you can come take care of her and pay for her
like i don't know what goes on in folks MINDS
didn't i just have radiation?
smh
people

maybe it's just all a test though to see how much faith we really have because in order to maneuver through all the mind traps and questions of others you have to really have faith that things will 1 be alright 2 if they aren't alright will work out anyway 3 be better than expected

so you know its all a matter of just pushing forward every single day

new digs...

got me some new digs as you can see
it's spring
OFFICIALLY
even though it's snowing here
but it's officially spring and it was time for a change

i am supposed to take lil d to the circus tonight, but if mommy isn't up to it, it may not happen
just being honest

during the week when i am on this night shift, all i want to do is sleep during the day, and get up spend time with the guys, and come to work

that's it!

nothing extra
so leaving the house to do something a whole 3 hours BEFORE i am to come to work and work all night long, the thought is overwhelming

if we dont' make it, we'll make it next year for sure
he's 3 and is starting to get a memory but he won't be phased especially since i have learned to NOT hype him up about events until we are ON THE WAY
a disappointed child is heartbreaking
so we learned that lesson

oh
have you heard that new Beyonce song?
i do not like it
i do not like it sam i am
i do not like the fact houston screw
i do not like the beat
i do not like her speech
i do not like how she's trying to act
i do not like it matter of fact
i do not like it
i do not like it same i am

and i am over folks going at keisha because she speaks her mind
she said what everyone was thinking about michelle and she is saying what folks is thinking about this new song
but maybe she should text it or iMessage it just to her close gfs so it doesn't come across as hatin
ijs

i need to eat more frutis and vegges

OH speaking of food
my hubs made this cornbread that is amazing
it's sooooooooooossssssooooooooooo good
he's made it two days in a row

he actually does more than most husbands i think i need to tell him that
i try to tell him as often as possible
but i think i'll tell him again

you know who rocks my parents

OH our wedding album is done! we went through ummmmmmmmm only 5 versions and two conference calls before it was perfect perfect

that's pretty good for me
i went through ummmmmmm

maybe 6 or 7 versions of flowers before that was correct

oh i have two weddings this year!

i love doing weddings
i love fidning people deals
it's frustrating and fun

i's readtogo

peace

to be loved...

remember when i used to count down the months when we first got married?
yea well I totally forgot about hitting 5 months, seems he did too
i googled "how long are you considered a newlywed"
and i got a lot of difference answers
one year and one day
two years and two days
until you have kids (that would mean a lot of folks aren't ever newlyweds, including us)
until you stop have fun together
until you decide

so that doesn't really give me any "real" answer

i'll go with the two years, i think that's what tradition has right?

so it was sad we missed that day, but life happens and it doesn't mean we aren't excited to be married it just means we ARE married

but in about 2 1/2 weeks it'll be our sixth month mark and i think i'll want to do something special, i don't know what yet, but i am hoping to do something even if its just dinner and NOTHING else

one thing i have learned in these short months is that being married and loving someone as THEY need to be loved is the most difficult thing you could ever do
we all have our own love languages and many times the language of a husband and wife is different. a wife may need gifts and the husband acts of service. and if the wife is constantly giving her husband gifts but isn't washing his clothes and cooking for him, she could buy him the world and he still won't feel loved.
so loving someone how they need it means loving outside of what you want and giving them what they want which is TOTALLY unnatural

so for example
i have to make my husband talk to me because words of affirmation make me feel loved but if you met him and you met me you'd be like how the world, because i talk (my nickname as a child was chatter box) and he does NOT! literally the man doesn't he's always been quiet and i have always NOT been...ha! another example is he loves acts of service like me cooking, and i dont' like to cook and don't ask me to cook breakfast other than eggo's i can't help you! but my dinner is slamming so to make him smile i'll cook for him and to make me happy once a week he'll talk to me LOL literally (i made a funny, did you laugh i hope so)

i think many young people don't make it like our parents did because we always feel like divorce is an option or even if we don't we don't know how NOT to sweat the small stuff we ALWAYS want what we want when we want it all the time AND we expect things to be perfect and always happy and easy

well honey LOVE ain't easy
it's work!
it's a job a full time 24/7, 365 job that isn't about you!
it goes
GOD
your spouse
your child if you have any
and then YOU

yes you spouse comes before your child and they come before you because loving someone means putting them first, to not be selfish and think about what you want or need all the time, but what they want and need and how they feel and what they dream
that doesn't mean you neglect yourself but you work to fulfill them and guess what if the other person feels the same way both parties are fulfilled
let me say that again, if BOTH parties feels the same way, both parties are fulfilled! BAM

in theory wonderful concept, in practice a lot of darn work!

but to be loved is to experience one of the most precious gifts ever

...started from the bottom

now we here
i actually like that song by Aubrey
i didn't by the explicit version though
my voice is harder than his and i don't believe his cursing
does that sound right?
O just was shaking his head when i said that but its the truth

i started off doing all kinds of black history month pics on my instagram but that didn't last
not because i don't have a great love for all thing black (BLACK POWER) i don't think people were reading them
ehhh

HUGE change at work

i am now working overnight
not really feeling that
HOWEVER
the 10% or so increase that i'll get from working overnight and Sunday night will take care of the 10% loss we will suffer from the CONGRESS not creating a balanced budget

its hilarious to me how they are calling it Obamasequester really people and people believe that
how about both sides are just being rediculous

back to this working nights, it was either do that OR let them once again DROP me wherever they decided and that's not an option, i need to put myself where i want to be put, so i'll do this for a little while and then move on

time to pull things together to hopefully get promoted at some point this year and this time, it'll take a package

marriage life is cool
its work
but it has great moments
and being a mom is cool
being parents is work
you have to work together and agree on how things should be done and that doesn't always happen, so backing each other up eve when you don't agree with the other person is so important.

oh
i have two weddings that i am doing April and July and i am excited and nervous
its THE most important day in someone's life so i need to pay great attention to detail and ensure that everything is a perfect as possible
there were things about my day i didn't like and it was because she didnt' listen to me fully or ask me about something the day of
so i want to have a plan, A, B & C for my clients!

totally excited about 2013 so let's see if we can get this business legalized and on ready to take over the world

621: the meaning or marriage

that is the title of the book that i am currently reading
(along with ASSATA for my black history month read)
but this book is taking over my life

this is the summary of the book:
“A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery…” - Ephesians 5:31-32

Modern culture would have you believe that everyone has a soul-mate; that romance is the most important part of a successful marriage; that marriage does not mean til death do us part, but merely for as long as my needs are being met; and that when serious differences arise, divorce is the best solution.  
According to the bible, all of these modern-day assumptions miss what marriage is all about..... draws a profound portrait of marriage from the pages of Scripture that neither idealizes nor rejects the institution but points us back to the relationship between God and man. The result is a vision for marriage that is refreshingly frank and unsentimental, yet hopeful and beautiful. This book is for anyone from singles, to couples considering marriage, to those who have been married recently or for a long time

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!
i won't say what i thought was right or wrong about the statement because i couldn't figure it out really
i just know it is an in your face this is what the TRUTH is and this is reality

i have recently said that marriage is both a beautiful thing and a lot of hard work
and that simple statement rings and remains true
as well as my statement that those who don't think so are either lying or delusional

here is the other thing
when you are in a marriage and you are working if you don't know Jehovah Jirah
you will definitely feel alone and lost

people tell you the first year of marriage is hard, but no one tell you just HOW HARD it is
i have known this man for the past 13/14 years and until you MARRY someone you have no idea
you think but you don't know
and the reality is you still are getting to know them until the end
people change
have expectations
have needs
have dreams
have issues

and if you aren't grounded in the WORD i can honestly see why someone would NOT make it past 90 days, 6 months, or the first year
realistically
once you say I do and come back from your honeymoon all living hell can break lose with real world responsibilities and the pressure of marital expectations

the WORD is what is going to keep you past day 1 to day 18,250 (that's 50 years of marriage)

here's to working at it and making it work
not because you HAVE to
but because you WANT to