Thursday, January 31, 2013


i am on my way to hopkins for my radiation treatment
i must go alone
the rays can hurt someone else
i am upset and emotional
such is life
being strong is overrated

i'll just treat it like any other appointment

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


the events of yesterday truly have me inspired!

if you don't know what happened, let m remind you

the FIRST African-American President of the United States was sworn into the office for the second and final time

i worked and it was a wonderful feeling being apart of HISTORY

when i got him my husband and son were watching the coverage and my black like boy, my 3 year old, was saying his name and looking on as if he looks like me and my daddy and my pop pop and my granddaddy j

you may ask how do i know that, i just do
my child is smart and very aware, he just told me yesterday as well i am babe because that's what his dad calls me

i am inspired
i remember getting my poli sci degree and MPA
and being so in tune to politics and social justice
and that is what i want to do again

i need to start PAYING ATTENTION
and i am motivated to do so

i am also motivated to get myself physically together
one of my goals for the year is to develop a healthy eating and physical activity regime
because i just am really starting to believe and see that we as women get better with time!
look at the FLOTUS
her first ball she looked great, don't get me wrong
but last night beyond FLAWLESS just gorgeous!

and that comes with confidence and confidence comes with age and wisdom and the ability to just be true to you and not worry about what others think or say

i just want to look and feel good
return to my consciousness and just be happy
and that i will do!

i am inspired

Sunday, January 13, 2013

not centered

i am not centered
everything around me seems to be out of my control

i have no time
i have no peace
i have no patience
i have no structure

i do have a lot of anger
i do have anxiety
i do have an attitude

there is no balance
i keep trying to get to it
but i am just ignoring what's out of place

things are totally out of place

i am annoyed
i am confused
i am tired

there is everything and nothing going on at the same time

i can't keep faking

i need help
i don't have help

it's easier helping others

i am sick
i can't claim it

i don't know what to do anymore

it's easier just to give up


Sunday, January 06, 2013

real life adult new world problems

here is the issue
I want to move
like NOW
not yesterday
or how about before i even bought that house

i bought the house because of familial obligations
as of the end of this month i will have lived in that house for 3 years and can i in fact move OUT of said house without owing our president any money

so i promptly, upon this realization, began looking for houses
some brand new
some not so brand new
i nice older home remodeled and move in ready would work well for me

then i realize nope that's not going to really work out

for various reason my husband said we need to wait to move
he said until next year
but with the laundry list of things that we need to go ahead and fix in the house to make it livable what's the point in just waiting a year

we should just fix these things and wait another couple of years
why because the list is as follows:
carpet cleaned
chimney fixed (much needed)
complete plumbing replacement
upgrade of the electrical system
crown modeling in the kitchen
bathroom exhausts installed
fix the siding
replace light fixtures
re quark the bathtub (is that how you spell/say it, the white stuff around the tub)
replace sub pump

in addition i'd like to repaint the house correctly and correctly organize the laundry room
replace the carpet and put up drywall in the addition

but first things first
the MUSTs on list must be dealt with first

this is about to cost a couple of Gs
THEN we need new furniture at least in our room
another couple of Gs

ALL for a house that i could take or leave
that's the issue
i own a home
a small home but a home
an older home that wasn't taken care of initially
but a home none the less that has cared for up to 5 people at a time

so i need to just chalk it up and get these things done so that we can live comfortably
the good thing is if we have another baby its affordable
esp if D is going to be in private school
i just need to really take some time and down size in this house and get these things DONE

so i have made the appointments so that the estimates can begin
oh joy
oh bliss

by April this house WILL be in better shape and i will be happier living there!
here's to hoping

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

just some musings

This is a combination of holiday musings that i have collected over the last week or so, you know the holiday season
should Santa still be fat
you are putting Santa into the same "real life" epidemic of obesity
really Today show
its bad enough i don't want my kid(s) to believe in some man coming down a chimney we don't have, so leaving the door open all for the sack of a "childhood" and esp since i refuse to force him to believe in it despite the protests of his father
and we really don't know when Jesus was born so its just a "traditional" holiday
NOW you want to ask if Santa is obese, WOW 
not feeling you
that's just dumb
you want to know what else is DUMB
the fact that i walked 2 blocks in 30 degree weather to get a waffle and turkey sausage
for freaking $12
oh i also got an orange juice and tea
just dumb
and then as i sit here thinking about all the things that seem "just dumb" to me
i read an excerpt from this book "an invisible thread" and things seem to be deep again
another stream of consciousness
something more to think about
i have said before that i wanted to make an impact on the homeless population here in the nation's capital
then i want to impact youth
all these ideas of what i want to do
like own a successful coordination company
and nothing ever seems to come of it
it makes me sad that kiamsha is no longer going to be the same kiamsha because we simply do not have the time to sustain it
it makes me said that things just don't seem to work out
i have another wedding in april
and i did in fact have a coordinator to help me with our wedding, and she was an awesome planner
but our wedding was just that our wedding i pretty much did that myself
last night was New Year's Eve and i woke up right at 11:59pm!
Said Happy New Year to the hubs gave him a hug and i think a kiss and then
gun shots
gun shots from a far
ok i have heard those before
but last night
the BOOM BOOM BOOM was so loud i could hear it behind our house!
right behind it
i told him i was scared but think he thought i was being dramatic as he was still half sleep
but when it shook him, LITERALLY
it was time to get on the floor turn off all the lights and dail 911
WHAT IS DUMB is it took us like an entire 2 mins to just get through on 911
then the lady was like can you see the person
ummm ma'am
NO because we are NOT looking out the window
while on the phone SHE heard another shot herself
OH wow, yea so how about you send a car out here please
what was nice was that he got on the floor told me to get on the floor and made his way to our son's room got him on the floor and turned off his light
its just been a holiday season that hasn't been as festive, at least not for me
don't get me wrong, its been nice and sweet and special but....
i am tired and have been tired since i have been working every single holiday
i won't do that again next year
thankfully my husband is truly supportive and understanding and our son to young to "get it"
so to say thank you in my own way, last night i cooked my family the southern traditional N.Y. dinner collard greens, black eyed peas, and we will have turkey tenderloin (instead of pork, i don't eat pork or beef, but you ate pork because it can't fly, well neither can a turkey so that's what we are eating) and corn muffins!
all pretty much were scraps back in the day and what our people had to make due with
it means prosperity and a reminder to remain humble
that's what i want for 2013 for everyone around me
and humility
and most of all the ability to SEE and HEAR GOD
that's it of my holiday musings
Happy 2013 year folks!