Monday, August 16, 2010

bittersweet

Every now and then I still get a flashback Of the time I spent Thinking you could be that one Should I have just kept your love? Yes I understand,We did have some good times On the other hand, Got my crying all night It was too much for my mind So even though I left you I can't forget you' Cause when I think about you It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet Guess I'll always love you It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

that's how i feel or i am feeling...

here's the story (i'll try in 25 words or less)
my college ex's lil sister is getting married, she and i have always been close and remained close after the breakup, i am in the wedding, her shower was this weekend, i was there of course and while there was introduced to those who didn't know me per se, as "o's ex T" lol, and then comes the "so what can we do to get the two of you back together" with smiles from ear to ear, or telling me how she is never around and no one likes her...just a whole bunch of stuff...

and here's the thing its been a few years so i wasn't expecting NONE of this

who knows if people were being serious or if they were just saying that to see what i would say or do...

my response, i just want him to be happy...

and i do...the other thing is, to me, he made his choice what 4-5 years ago when he "did him" instead of working to mend it, he chose to continue to deal with her and eventually have a son, that was his choice...

he's a good father from what i understand, never doubted that, and i am happy he has a lil man and he's in love with him...and the fact that he has a son with her doesn't bother me at all

here's what is bothering me-why am i even thinking about this in the first place? why am i entertaining this?

i haven't seen or talked to him in 4 years

maybe i am thinking about it because i have always loved his family, like the family i thought i would be apart of, we were all very close, his sister and i still are, and his mother still refers to me as her other daughter (that was my other introduction this weekend) so definitely no love lost, but man oh man...they were my people and will always be in my life to a certain extent because i'll always been there for his sister and his parents, you don't breakup with families...its just not that easy...although i did back off a long time ago because i didn't want her to feel some sort of way, so i communicated with his sister and mother on a limited bases and not on the daily, the weekly, then monthly bases because that was for her to do you know...i just didn't want to step on folks toes

and then maybe i am thinking about it, because admittedly, being real, the ego of being "the one that got away" puts a little smile on my face (i know that's ridiculous) but that's the reality and i am being honest with myself...

here's the thing that i was told by a couple of people
its not that he made a choice, it was that he made a mistake and didn't know how to come back...

i guess...

this was the person i looked at a engagement rings with, landed on a right with, had sized and everything...

yea

and i don't even know, well when you are with someone for so long and you love so hard, maybe that love never really goes away...i know when i saw him 4 years ago i still loved him very much..

but since then i have loved again and lost again...

maybe it was one of the hardest thing in my life because he was definitely my BEST friend...and then we weren't even friends anymore...

it took me a long LONG time to get over the entire situation because we had been through so much, so very very much...so its hard when you think about that

but like my ls said this weekend, not to condone it, but we were in a long distance relationship the entire relationship, we were young, and i have come to the conclusion we were too young and we should have been friends...his father has always said that...and i agree

i don't think, based on my experiences that people should be so young and put so much pressure on someone to be in an "adult" committed relationship...young people, especially in your college years, early 20s, should be spending time learning and loving themselves and just being friends and eventually when your hit about 23/24 then maybe go to that committed relationship...so that means no sex, none of that just fun and being friends...

you love way too hard, and don't even know how to properly love someone because you don't know how to properly love yourself

again just my personal opinion...

because then you are both ready to be committed and can move forward...you just can't be in a relationship without knowing who you really are...and then you have in some cases where someone might be intimidated by someone else because they are going through with education and the other person isn't...or the distance or just having fun may be an issue...

anyways i guess i just needed to put thoughts to computer screen and just get this out and off my chest...

he was and is always going to be a good guy to me, despite his whatever you want to call it he did, and i definitely hope that he is happy

because the reality is i am...

3 comments:

BluJewel said...

Lil sis, I so feel you on this. When I heard the song, Bittersweet, I immediately thought about Krypto and the 14+ yrs we went back and forth with each other. We've finally come to the point where we're "just friends", but there are times as the song says where I recall him. What's even funnier is that I made the song his ring tone.

There's no harm in wondering and recalling; he obviously was a significant part of your life and that of his family and although things didn't work out, the memories are still valuable and worth cherishing.

A couple days ago, I was cleaning and opened a photo album and a 5x7 pic of he and I fell out and it stirred my heart and made me smile. I found a frame and put it in it and placed it on my bureau. While he's not the love in my life; he'll always be the love of my life and good, bad, or indifferent he's a good friend and was worth the experience.

mrstdj said...

I think it's so natural to wonder about the possibilities and to remember the good times. From it all, he has a special place in your heart and obviously you have a very good friend in his sister.

I tend to agree with you regarding 20 somethings in deeply emotional, love relationships. Not that the feelings aren't valid, but so much of your 20s is about figuring who YOU are and what YOU need. Most people have NO CLUE.

j.a.c. said...

"i don't think, based on my experiences that people should be so young and put so much pressure on someone to be in an "adult" committed relationship..."

I agree with this 100%. It reminds me of my relationship with Sula. We loved really hard...to the point that it became damaging and explosive. Young people need to have fun, take sex out of the picture, and learn to love themselves. In high school and as underclassmen in college, we don't know a cot dag on thing about love. And that's real.