Friday, April 30, 2010

window seat....

...i just want a chance to fly, a chance to cry...

i definitely love that song...sad thing is for the second time in a row i'll miss ms. badu...last summer it was because i went to see my folks and this time it'll be because i am going to the town that likes things slow, screwed and chopped...houston, tx...

i can't WAIT!

i am going to be on that plane like dude can i get a window seat...i am so ready to get away from DC...

ironically though as much as i need a break i am finding myself falling in love with the city..

i have been doing a lot of walking around the city in the mornings, after work, during the day when i have to go somewhere i find myself walking miles at a time instead of jumping on the train...

so despite my up and down of moods here lately i have found that little things really make me smile, here are a few:

walking downtown with a clear blue sky above me and crisp morning air listening to "chilln" by wale

the pureness of a babies smile and laughter...

a friendly nod or smile from a random stranger

a man giving up his seat on the train for a young mother and her children

a loving couple holding hands just taking there time and enjoying life...love makes me smile

seeing my brother feel good about himself

a young son and his father...little boys adore their daddies...

seeing a young family, the kids, the parents, loving each other and just doing well...

having a co-worker about to ratify a contract on a condo for her and her husband the last day of the tax credit

thinking about the massage i will be getting tomorrow and just CHILLIN after a VERY long week

the thought of getting my eyebrows done

a hot cup of tea

seeing my nephew get baptized and the things he says like for example, "you don't want to go to hell the devil lives there" and him saying this to KIDS in his class at school and when they tell him that hell is a bad word his response is, "NO, hell is a bad place and you don't want to go there!" biblical doctrine aside of it being right or wrong, the fact that he is so convicted at a young age to do the right thing makes my heart full with joy!

hearing my mother laugh and picturing the smile on her face

the fact that my mother and my nephews pictures hang in my cubical at work and i look at those faces daily to keep me motivated...my mother's picture is important because the two that hang are from her retiring from the same organization that i now work...

the fact that i have some really GREAT girlfriend/sistahs in my life that really love me...

having two young women wanting me to be apart of their special days this year...seeing them have the love that they deserve makes me smile

i am sure that i could keep going on but sometimes you got to take time and just smile at the little things...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

i found my smile again....

you can find a smile again....i found my smile again....YOU can find a smile again...

and i KNOW its because i can finally put my finger on what is wrong with me...

drum roll please

I MISS MY PARENTS!

see when they left last year on june 18th...i was in a relationship i was leaving that next week for Florida and then when i came back i was moving...i moved i had my birthday i flew to see them i had a wedding and then i left for training i left training went straight to work then it was the holidays (that was rough) but then i was concentrating on buying the house...

and then nothing...

so the initial shock of them leaving didn't really set in until what like 9/10 months later...

it wasn't until jac asked me the other day a series of questions that i hit me that i missed them as much as i really do

see my family is LOUD and CRAZY...we curse we yell we argue we are all over the place but no matter what and i do mean no matter WHAT...

we love each other we support each other we are honest but we don't judge each other we are like truly LOVING of and on each other and accept each other for who they are...

my parents love me for me...flaws and all and support me unlike any other people on this planet, and I miss that!

i have had some VERY major events happen in my life a career move, home ownership, just stuff that is hard enough to handle on your own and i have had to do that and i guess i just finally stopped running long enough to feel that emptiness

and THAT was what was bothering me...

and its not like they are coming here any time soon, they won't be up here until the end of July and with me being so sick (clearly because i was sick and my body was feeling the pain of them being gone before i mentally processed it) i don't want to take any leave so i'll only be going to Houston to see my tootsie pop for memorial day...and then after that its saving leave for my trip to Ghana in December

but dudes and dudettes i feel so much better because at least i now know what it is and i can face that loneliness i feel and move forward

i think the NOT knowing what it was, was worse than knowing...

MOVING FORWARD SMILING

ps i got me "she she" back (that's my MacBook's name) her uncle MJ hooked her up!

Monday, April 19, 2010

umi says....searching

"i ain't no perfect man, I'm to do the best that i can with what it is i have"

man if that doesn't sum up how i am feeling

so i am finally back to work, and i am still not as motivated as i should be....

"tomorrow may never appear, you better hold this very moment close to you....SO CLOSE TO YOU"

it's 107 days until my birthday...doesn't seem like that long of a time being that its already April 19 and all the days since last April 19 seem like a huge blur...

momma didn't lie

"sometimes i get discouraged....sometimes i feel crying...sometimes my heart gets...sometimes you just wanna leave and fly away...sometimes i don't know what to do with myself...feel like a man (woman) going insane"

DUDE that's exactly how i feel...

"sometimes i don't want to be bothered...sometimes i don't want to be a solider"

DUDE that's exactly how i feel...

i am tired...and i have all these feelings all these thoughts all these emotions that just keep coming and going coming and going coming and going coming and going

all these questions about where i am or where i should be...but dude where is it that i should be??? at 29 years old what more can i accomplish why is it that

i feel so fulfilled and so empty all at the same time

"...see butterflies up in the sky I'm searching...what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong...i'll live in a truthful way...searching searching searching searching searching searching searching searching searching searching....."

I WANT TO BE FREE!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

the corner

i am sitting here nodding my head to common

the corner...trying to stay awake on a saturday night...dude i could easily go to sleep right now and its what 8:25pm EST

reallY???

oh well...i was up at 7:30 this morning and was running around all day long...and i am finally eating again which ROCKS

my brother told me i was old...i told him yea because clearly i prefer to spend money on things that will last rather than go out and waste it partying...

just like i am still figuring out this new machine i am still figuring out myself...

my mentor told me today that she doesn't think that any of us have figured out who we are just yet, not us older ones and not the younger ones...i told her i completely agreed with her and that i knew i hadn't figured out who i was...but i always remember that madea said you never fully know anyone therefore you can never know yourself because we are always growing and evolving

i do know that i would like to one day be fully comfortable inside and out with myself and every time i think i am ok, i figure out that i am not...

majorly sucks!

here i am less than 4 months from 30 and i am still like really can i get a grip already

whenever i feel like this i turn inward and i listen to music and i know that with some prayer and focus i'll be ok that's for sure

Friday, April 16, 2010

she lives in my lap...

....my new MacBook Pro

definitely will be living in my lap...just got my new computer today

and i am definitely IN LOVE

although the initial set up was about to prove to be a task because my brother has no patience so he was acting a fool when i asked him to help me with the wireless for the house...had he been IN the house to help me with the task maybe it wouldn't have been as eventful but telling me instructions over the phone doesn't help because he can't see what i am talking about...eventually i got it

it doesn't help that he is already annoyed with me because i tried a detox and all veggie detox thing this week that ended up with me being taken out of my office on a stretcher in an ambulance...

yea i know way to much i still can't eat anything and as my brother stated i did in fact end up
"detoxin the mess out of" my body...

i've been in a funky mood you dig maybe being rushed to the hospital and not having my mommy here was the definite wake up call to having me feeling all alone...i had family around me and a couple of friends but dude i felt way alone

que lio

UPDATED:
dude my spirits have really been in the dumps lately...i am hoping that i begin to feel more like myself SOONER THAN LATER i think a ME weekend is just what i need

Monday, April 12, 2010

Thursday, April 08, 2010

what's up, what's haapinin'

...all you haters just get at me...so all i got to say is what UP!

not that i feel like anyone is hating on me in particular because i definitely don't feel that...but in keeping up with what's wrong in my ears as i blog...

the other TIP is definitely rocking...

most people don't even know that one of my (many) nicknames is TIP man i have had that nickname is 2003, lil big sis gave me that name...as a play on my real name

my god-sons even called me that because they couldn't pronounce the "f" in my name...

i need see them dudes that's for sure...

i actually have a couple of things to do this weekend i need to make sure i clean up tomorrow evening...the window folks are coming to the house to do a estimate tomorrow evening...i should ask my uncle to come over and see what they say...

i also need to get someone to come and look at my yard and landscape it...i have never been one to decorate or know what it is to put things together especially with a yard so i know i am not going to go and find flowers to plant...i do want a rose bush mines was destroyed during the snow and my mom always kept rose bushes so i want to keep that tradition going...and then i want stuff that only need to be watered like weekly or something like when i wash the truck i'll remember to water the plants...something that simple

i have decided that i am going to go and buy a mac this weekend

i don't have a computer the Dell died and i don't want a PC anymore soooo....moving on...

i can't keep my hair out anymore, i MUST weave it back up because being natural in the summer and needing or having to workout at least 4 times a week, its not going to work...

oh i haven't heard from dude...HA CLASSIC! he need not even attempt to call it was done when i pulled off...i have no patience what so ever...

"a woman's worth" is CRANKING...
how ironic as i move onto the next thing i have discovered lately about myself...

another thing that i realize is that i am not even IN THE GAME anymore...i have really taken my heart out of the game...why because there is a 50/50 chance of losing and i don't feel like losing anymore, so why even attempt...i only discovered this because i was talking to the bf about someone else and then the light bulb went off in my head, it was an "ah ha" moment...so even before the movie situation, he didn't have a chance...he just had a lot of baggage, not that i don't because we all do...but hey i am just not in the mood to even deal with someone else's mess...

*shurgs* it is what it is...one day i'll be back there!!! i mean i do love love...that's for real...i mean Jill sings about it in "he loves me" man they live version you can't help but get goose bumps! that's what i want that's what i deserve and until then i am chilling...not that anyone is perfect but he'll see me and i'll see him in our perfect imperfections...

"unbreakable" is playing...

makes me think of jac and mj...their love is truly unbreakable and i am so in love with that!!! their day is coming up fast as a matter a fact its exactly a month away from today...and i'll be there excited and ready to do whatever they need me to do to make the day go off without a hitch because they deserve to have May 1st to be EVERYTHING that they ever dreamed...but most of all they get that its not about the day but about the marriage...that's why they are unbreakable they get it, they respect it, and they are totally happy and WANT to marry each other...

YOUNG BLACK LOVE LIVES!!!!

Sunday, April 04, 2010

me, myself, & i....

its just me, myself and i
Mirror mirror on the wall
Tell me mirror what is wrong?
Can it be my De La Clothes
Or is it just my De La Soul
What I do ain't make believe
People say I sit and try
But when it comes to being De La
It's just me myself and I
It's just me myself and I


sooooo glad that i didn't think that friday was a date because had i done so my little feelings would have been MAD hurt

ok so i was driving...not that big of a deal but when we decide on a time i would think that you would be ready and NOT getting a shirt made...

so i go ON TIME to get this dude he's at the mall getting a shirt made, when do i find this out, when i call to say i am outside...

it'll be done in 5-10 mins

15 minutes later i call back he doesn't answer so i left!

yes i left...it was already like 7:20 they movie started at 8 it was opening night and i wasn't going to miss a movie that i had pre-paid for

PLUS its just plain RUDE to make plans with someone and then you go and do something else and are running late....

now maybe had he said to me, well i gotta run up the street and get this shirt made before we go, i would have been more understanding...HOWEVER when i only find out what the real deal is because i am not waiting on you...that's a problem....

so i left he called back and i informed him that i had left and was on my way...he tried to say something about me not having patience or whatever it was i told him he was inconsiderate and clearly only cared about what it was that he had to do and never mind our plans...

because i have absolutely no problem going to the movies dolo i went had a good time...it was a good movie and a good crowd...after that i came home...

the cycling class after shock kicked in saturday morning and even more today...

i guess me walking around the mall didn't help any...but i needed to get my dress for jac wedding...its really nice and flattering...cream and chocolate....she wanted us to wear cream...her little sister and i went...it was between that and a green dress...jac liked the cream so the cream it was!

nothing much else going on...

Friday, April 02, 2010

20 feet tall

i am totally IN love with the new badu CD...

"you built a wall that was 20 feet tall...but if i get off my knees i remember i am 20 feet tall"

dude how real is that

if we would only stop crying or seeing the negative all the time we would remember that we are totally bigger than our problems...

i went to a cycling class today...what was supposed to be an hour session turned into two hours with sprints, step aerobics, and cycling do that all again and then add abs at the end...

yea tomorrow i will be feeling the burn...

i am going to go back next saturday for just the hour class...ONLY because i have a hair appointment...

yes I AM that vain because my hair is ALL natural so when i sweat its in my head and my hair looks like who done it which way from sideways...
as soon as i walked in to the salon my stylist was like
"who take her back to the bowl RIGHT NOW"
i told her that i had just finished working out and she was like "what like JUST NOW"
HA
CLASSIC!

i had an early dinner with my sis jac...she is so cute and ready to be a wife! totally happy for her ya dig...now i just got to find a dress for the event....uggggggggg

my jeans are fitting loser that's always a plus...

i am going on i guess a date to the movies...is it a date if you don't consider it to be one?

i surely don't! hope he doesn't think so either...

badu has another song called fall in love (your funeral)

LOVES IT! its my jam maybe because that's the way that i currently feel right now like uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggg

love NEXT

to busy loving me right now i don't have the patience...

but i am going to go see "why did i get married too?" i am too funny i guess i am still a romantic at heart no matter what...

my brother detailed my truck or is currently detailing the whip...loves it i shall be riding kewn this weekend...

well that's all for now...

peesh

Thursday, April 01, 2010

AS...my soul is NOT for sale

"...God knew EXACTLY where HE wanted you to be place...change your words into truth and that truth in LOVE"

still keeping with the whole "song" theme that has been running lately..

i love Stevie Wonder for sure...he's a definite CLASSIC musician...his political and social justice messages always resonated with me...and in short all his messages end with LOVE...

i have been feeling good lately...i am finally like really cool...the pieces of my lil heart have been pasted/taped/stapled/tacked/sewn...back together...

and as the days go on the more and more i feel the pain become a distant memory and the more and more i truly enjoy where i am in my life...

i mean i am about to enter into a new decade of my life and i can't afford to go into my 30s carrying things the same way that i did in my 20s...

i gotta take the lessons learned...emphasize the good, work on the bad and LEARN from what didn't work...

i told one of my mentors that i am too old for her to be keeping things to herself, if she sees something TELL me...i don't have time to have time to feel like my feelings are hurt...NO i need to know what's what so i can make better decisions...too old to keep bumping my head over the same stuff...i worked hard to get where i am and i keep working to get where i am going...but if i don't love and take care of myself first then how can i truly expect someone to do the same...

too many times we wait on others to take care of us to validate us to fulfill or complete something...and that can be our friends, our parents, our children, our spouse, a job, having money, having the latest and greatest clothes, car/truck, whatever...it can be a multitude of things and/or people

when truly i mean TRULY the ONLY person that can do that is YOU and the ONLY thing that can fully complete you his HIM-GOD

"Take care of yourself, set goals, share your wisdom, learn from experts, be prepared"

i am really diggin that quote...i just want to learn and grow learn and grow...feel secure in my own skin inside and out...i can't say that i am a 100% secure but by golly i am soooooooooo much closer than i have EVER been in my life and that's AWESOME...

my quest for biblical knowledge continues to increase and i have all kinds of questions and i am asking them that's for sure! my quest for knowledge in general has been resparked and i am definitely on the proll to take it all in and learn as much as i can...what's the % of our brain that we use like 7% i mean i could AT LEAST double that to 14%!

every day i walk a mile from my office to L'Enfant plaza metro station...its amazing how beautiful the city can be in the evenings how i feel such peace just me, myself, and I and the music BLARING from my ipod...i just walk and walk and walk...its definitely a great feeling to finally feel like i am taking care of myself all the way around...

knowing that i am finding my purpose in life, i can't be bought i can't be sold...because i belong to something that NOONE can even grasp...

so people don't always "get" me...i am totally out of a box any box that people try to put me in, or any box that I try to put MYSELF in for that matter...i am on another page in a variety of books...but there's absolutely nothing wrong with that...FINALLY aint nothing wrong with that...

my brother said last night that i was weird...i smiled and said YEP i sure am!

MY SOUL AINT FOR SALE