Friday, September 28, 2012

9 days to go and a lesson about life

yesterday marked 9 days to our wedding day
pretty darn exciting right
and it is

but on the 9th day i went to see an old friend and mentor LJ

she is the Executive Director of my previous job and she has always had a special place in my heart

I was in my mid twenties when i started working there and really going through a rough patch in life

we spent so much time together traveling all over the country we developed a bond
she's a mentor for me and i her lil tc

we normally got together once a year, but since last year i haven't been able to "make the time" to visit with her

i was soooooooooooo busy running back and forth to Philly and being engaged and all these things that it took me a year exactly to see her again

and all i could do was think about all the time that i had missed

see LJ has terminal cancer
lung and spin

she's pretty sick
so sick i had to help her last night as she was having a bad day

i have seen cancer
i have seen sickness and death
and with those closest to me

so that doesn't bother me
i watched her
held her
cleaned it up and threw it away

that was easy for me
i helped my other mentor and her good friend LB clean up her bedroom

what is hard for me
was that i have missed being there for her from day one

sometimes there aren't things you can say via email or text

she did finally tell me right before my shower via a phone call because she needed to see me and hug me before our wedding

so on the 9th day i made the time
and it was time well spent

it was peaceful for me
all the stress of people and their demands and what they want the day of or from you

and all she wanted to do was talk
and all i wanted to do was listen

she lives in the city and has always been one of my fav places to go

i sat there on the couch next to her and we just talked
LB and  i ate
she couldn't

it was a good evening
she said i made her day

my lesson was that life will continue to happen
but is it happening TO you

are we making the most of life?

i know that if she were to go tomorrow she's been all over the world
she's loved
she's lived
she's mentored
she's poured back into those in her life

i think she's getting tired
she's in a lot of pain
she has no husband to take care of her
no kids to come and stay with her
she does have plenty of friends
and she is full
not empty for sure
but still...
it makes me understand just how much of a blessing just sharing life with someone is

she's still coming to our wedding
i told her well get a room at the hotel so you can come to the ceremony and then go upstairs and rest and come back down

and no matter how much pain or discomfort she feels right now
she said she wouldn't miss it for the world

that's love
not luv

so i will make time to spend with her
to check on her
to give her hugs
with what little time we have left together

i enjoy her and i became who i am because of her

there are so many people who have influenced my life

made me the woman i am today

and i am definitely still a work in progress

8 days to go and i am still working to make sure i am centered and ready for this next phase

Thursday, September 20, 2012

giving me life

...right now the blogs on my blog roll are giving me life this morning.
being at work by 6am takes a LOT out you
so it's cool to come in and read things that make you laugh, and think or get a little sad
it's just nice to have feelings this early in the morning!
it's easy to just you know be a robot this early

another thing giving me life is the fact that i have realized and stated that we ARE getting married in 2 1/2 weeks

it's hard to explain so i won't try other than to say
in the last ummmm 10 months we have experienced the hospitalization of a parent, the death of a family patriarch, my hospitalization, my major health issues, moving in together, raising a child together, and paying bills together

all REAL life things that normally happen over time to people have happened to us during the length of our engagement, most people can't stay married to one another while going through these things, let alone engaged (when you still have an out per se)

neither one of us left
neither one of us took an out

so we had a breakthrough in counseling on Tuesday night, that YES we are in fact getting married in 2 weeks

i didn't even realize that wasn't obvious
either we were or we weren't going to get married, there was no pushing back the date it either was going to be or it wasn't

i think people get into relationships, engagements, and even marriage with expectations
all these expectations

no matter how much you think you don't or won't have them, something creeps in

i personally, thought it was supposed to be the "happiest time in my life" and full of joy and butterflies and all smiles

but it hasn't been for us
i think we actually have been thrown into what most people experience the first year or living together AND what they experience when they first have a CHILD
when you lose a loved one
sick parents

so it wasn't like anything i thought an engagement "would be"

but it's been REAL and HEAVY

and it's shown me that we can get through a lot of things that most people can't even imagine making it through

i am excited that we have said that we are getting through it all
i am excited that at the end of the day we both still WANT to be married to one another

that is a wonderful feeling
in spite of EVERYTHING that life throws your way, when you STILL you want to be with someone and more importantly THEY STILL want to be with YOU...

well that's real life love

Friday, September 14, 2012


i want to write something profound
something to make me feel right
but right now
i feel like i done fell left
left handed
left minded
leftest thinking
thinking about this new track on my playlist
#amsterdam the day i am deceased and even then i live through these beats...
and i don't even do MMG all like that
it's like those inner city blues with those cashmere thoughts
a total contradiction to itself
that's how i feel a lot of times
i wonder if they going to give Teedra a real single other than singing backup
who knows....
last weekend was epic
yes epic
my shower was epic
my dress was epic
don't believe me

check this out

jaj did her thing right?

it's pretty cool to be surrounded by such awesome people!
you see me and my mommy at the end
and my BMs aren't they all cute?
it's a day i'll always remember!
They truly outdid themselves

it was LOVE

yea i'll end there