alright, alright, alright

i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired right now

i have an hour left at work and i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready to go

i have a suit on today that is literally falling off of me, i guess the weight loss is a reality...my co-workers have noticed...

so the kevin hart show was AWESOME like AWESOME like SO SO SO AWESOME

and i might add that i WON! yes your girl was FLYY and i am not basing it on the fact that i really literally was FLYY but based on his reaction to my outfit...

its always nice when you are getting dressed and you can tell that they weren't expecting what you have on...like this look like oh wow you are wearing that NICE...

plus if you add the fact that what HE wore, i picked out anyways than I still won...CLASSIC

when i say kevin hart is freaking HA LA RI OUS!

what...plus add some cheesecake factory for the after show dinner...

top notch night

not to say the weekend wasn't or didn't have its "moments of irritation" we definitely have to find the balance with each other i think when you are with anyone for what 2 and 1/2 days there are bound to be moments...

good thing is we vibe GREAT and work well as a team with the lil one...the bond that he and i have is there and we three vibe and work to get things done together well...

the issue i am having now though is getting to close...because if things don't work out i don't want to once again distance myself from the family, including this child...so now i find myself in a conundrum, although we have both decided that we will see where things go and allow things to flow...i still have to be mindful because it isn't just us, there is a child also involved...

all in all the weekend was good, not GREAT, but good and realistic

now to figure out what i shall be doing for the holidays

551

that's the number of this post


and since i don't have a title for it, it will do


wow i have written 551 posts that's mad crazy son...in my NYC voice


i have had a lot of blog topics come in and out of my mind the last view days and i wanted to blog but there has been so much going on that i just haven't had the time


if you are here in the DMV its OH SO COLD outside right now


like so cold i went and got a fofafur hat, you know one of those big hats people wear in places like Alaska! hahahaha


well if you saw a crazy lady with one on and a bubble coat this morning on the Metro that was me...actually there were a lot of people on the metro with similar hats but the older ladies had the fofamink ones on LOL


i am in a good place as the year ends, like emotionally i have my feelings (remember you guys i have come to NOT like having feelings at all)

living outside of yourself

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:10

so this really pulls together how i have been feeling about love lately

see love is one of the most SELFLESS things you can ever do in this life because when you love someone, its totally NOT about you anymore

see loving someone else means that you love them as THEY need to be loved

am i still not making sense?

see we all have a love language:

words of affirmation

quality time

receiving gifts

acts of service

physical touch

we all have a way in which we need love to be expressed to us, and no two people are alike, most people have a primary and secondary language

me i NEED communication and time

so how i need to be loved and how you need to be loved are going to be different, sometimes the same, but may be different

so when you love someone, you go outside of yourself and you love them how THEY NEED to be loved and you don't do it because you feel like you'll get it back, because in reality you may not get it back, but because you love this person SO MUCH you are willing to go outside of yourself and just love on them how they need to be loved and you hope they love you enough to love you how YOU NEED to be loved

again, love is the most selfless thing you can ever do because when you truly love someone you love them how they need to be love for no other reason than you wanting to make them happy and making them happy makes you happy

i hope you followed that i know it was a little around and around in a circle type of deal but hey that's what's on my mind right now

decorations

so am i the ONLY person that could care less about holiday decorations?

i admit when i was a child this was the BEST time of year, not my fav, my bday has always been my FAVORITE...but the holidays from thanksgiving to Christmas definitely was THE next best thing and don't forget the time off from school

but now that i am a young adult (still will not claim that i am a straight up adult)

i could really CARE LESS about holiday decorations

i definitely believe if i had children i would be in the "spirit" of things

my co-worker was like "you have your decorations up?"

my response: "what decorations? i don't have any kids"

yep that's my excuse or reasoning

i mean what is the point in trying to decorate if you don't have a family

i mean the holidays are for family time and since i don't have a family i prefer to just act like its just any other time of the year...i definitely enjoyed thanksgiving this year and i am sure i will enjoy the day with extended family

but for now and definitely in the near future, i.e. next year, i don't foresee any decorations over here

p.s. i do NOT like holiday music...yea i know

December...

i don't know what to title this so just decided not to

i have a cold and this post nasal drip is KILLING me...like really its bothering me like crazy

and every now and then it gets really bad and the coughing begins

but my mind is running

i think a lot of people go through this at the end of the year

you start assessing, evaluating things to see what things you grew from and what things you would be just find leaving behind in 2010...

this was written to me last year:

Anonymous said...

You really have a lot going for you right now. I know it gets hard when your lonely but it's not your time to share your life with some one yet. In due time you will and he will be more than you ever wanted in a man. Concentrate on doing you now for thats where GOD wants you to be. With all of my Love, peace

and nothing has changed this year i am pretty much at the same place

so i really have to evaluate where i am and moving forward

so that's where i am right now

i am in the midst of assessing a lot of things and you know what a lot of my decisions would be a whole lot easier if it wasn't for my heart

the bible warns that the heart is a traitorous thing

and boy oh boy is it right

see because common sense and logic can play in all it wants but once the heart has its mind set on something you can get stuck

well i can't get stuck we have already been there when i have made it really clear that i can NOT fall back on my face when it comes to the L word

it just can't happen and i won't let it happen

I have been through WAY too much for me to have to deal with this type of foolishness at this point in my life at this age

so a lot of praying and soul searching has to be done on my part in terms of what it is what i want to do because leaving this behind in 2010 will be HUGE and it will mean turning away from a possible future

but that's the thing, possibilities are great when you have something to hope and have faith in but faith without works is dead and words are just that words they don't mean much without the effort

so December is going to be a huge month for me and it will definitely prove to be one that will set a course for 2011, for better or for worse

really random

so my NEW ipod nano screen is already CRACKED
really?
COME ON i just bought this thing like 3 weeks ago!
well that's why i paid for the insurance because it is going BACK
Thank you

so i realized something about myself

as a woman, when it comes to relationships, with the opposite sex
i need a few things (beyond you given, faithful, loyal, honest..)
i need STABILITY
yep, i need for you to be consistent
i need for there to be a routine

i am a routine type of person
i pretty much do the same thing day in and day out
including what i eat

it may seem pretty boring to most people, but i am definitely o k with being boring

of course we all like a little spice, surprise, something different every now and then
but i am a creature of habit and well it makes me feel safe and therefore SANE

see that's what is definitely MOST important in my life right now is peace and sanity

it makes me as a woman feel safe and secure

i don't like having room to wonder, to think, or ponder certain things

especially LOVE

it should just be and has to be a given

so if you aren't the most romantic...

if you aren't the most spontaneous

if we live in the most generic of love songs

as long as you are consistent and reliable (in the positive, because you can always be a consistently an ass as well)

i don't know am i crazy?

i know i can be but i think with this it isn't much to ask

on another note day 5 of NO MEAT and its not that hard, again because i am a creature of habit i just eat the same thing and keep it moving

working out daily and things seem to be really coming along

i am seeing the difference on the scale, not really in my shape just yet...it probably just water weight, but maybe not because this time i am working out with it so i am hoping that this will be sustainable weight loss

even if i cut up on the weekends a little bit, if i can make eating well during the week a habit and working out a habit, just apart of my daily routine then i think i may be able to get where i want to be or need to be rather for health reasons and i'll be able to hopefully stay there

in short i am finding and fighting my way to happiness

i think its definitely something that is a conscious effort to do every single day of your life
and i am choosing to be as happy as i can be

the things that i can't control i have to let go of and simply focus on the things that i can control and right now the only thing i can control is ME

no meat

that's what i am on this week

no meat

period the end

i am not doing the raw food diet but I am going to go without any form of meat this week

you can get your protein from other things like beans and plus i already drink BOOST daily because i don't eat red meat or pork anymore...

so basically i will be going without poultry and seafood this week

i started yesterday and i am pretty much doing a liquid thing with beans a lot of veggies/salad and tofu...

NO sauce either (i know)

just left the gym, i pretty much have been going every single day i did rest yesterday because Saturday i moved my girl P and being that she was on the top floor let's just say that was my workout for the day...it was worth it though she is SO happy

you know i love seeing the people in my life happy

i spent tim with close friends and family this weekend and even snuck in an extra day off, TODAY...i needed it i was tired i didn't do much but i guess my body is just tired

i have noticed that since i have started working out i am not nearly as hungry as i used to be...it may also be because i have started getting my calcium levels together to combat my vitamin D deficiency...man that thing causes mad problems including weight gain...so that explains a lot huh since i am allergic to all things lactose

anyways its amazing to me that people even out this age don't think before the "speak" or should i say text...really dude..classic

good thing is that i learned a long time ago that words don't mean much anything anyways...because unless you are acting on it then it won't matter much to me

so with that being said your girl is surely about to be about it

2010 is coming to a close really quickly and i have really accomplished some things but in other areas i have been straight BS'ing and really when it came to myself mentally, physically and emotionally have been slipping and have just been going with the flow of life and things

i am way to old now to just be going with the flow so i am taking action and focusing on myself...it feels good too because i am focused man....

so i am going to stay focused and cleanse my system

NO MEAT

let's see how long i can do this for

NOTHING

why is it soooooo hard for me to find some cute shoes, booties or boots this season!

i had the same issue last season...

just like the season before booties became popular i saw some and went running around looking for some and people thought that i was absolutely crazy...

i want something cute for this comedy show...why because i have been CHALLENGED LOL

so now i am looking for something, plus i haven't had a reason to really get dressed up or anything for anything recently...and i am kinda looking forward to being cute and looking cute...
hey i am still a girl you know...LOL

i already have my workout plan set, some other little things set, including my hair and i will be making my mani/pedi appointment

i just found out we get out 2 hours early tomorrow...wooohoooo...what does that really mean for me? the GYM! for not 1 hour but maybe even 2...why not push myself i have nothing else to do or i could just take Golden for a really good walk and then hit the gym...that sounds like a plan, it will be a switch up in the routine...and gets her a good walk in...i think i shall repeat this for the rest of the week...she'll be happy for sure

that's what i realized, i like going and working out because otherwise i would just be sitting at home doing absolutely NOTHING and while that is one of my favorite past times, especially after weekends like the one i just had with the kiamsha youth...lov them kids but man i can't run off of 2-3 hours of sleep like i used to

side note: i really enjoy how honest the Kiamsha youth are this year...they are dealing with stuff i can't even imagine and it really makes me feel like we really need to start something with Middle school kids, because its like by the time they get to us at 14 so much has already taken place or happened, and it seems to be a lot of it has to do with sexuality...then you think about it and everything is so hyper sexed now...i can see how they would be confused and curious...but curiosity kills the kat...literally these days...i need to think about this...

i am not as cranky this time as i have been before when i start to eat right...maybe because i know that it needs to be done...plus i have figured out that when you spread the little things out and eat more often you aren't as hungry and cranky...and i also think that working out helps me not feel as hungry either

i can't wait to get my hair done on Friday...man oh man...i need it done oh so bad...i can't wait to sit in that chair and get it washed...i love girlie stuff like that...and then i will definitely be getting a mani/pedi this weekend...and maybe a movie...i have yet to see "for colored girls" i hear its a really good cry so i could always use one of those as well...a good cry AND of course i want to see harry potter! so maybe i'll do TWO movies this weekend on top of all the working out and cleaning i'll be doing the house is a mess...and golden needs a bath...so plenty of work and chilling to be done this weekend...i think i shall enjoy it

let me show you...

the way to go

man i love music!

what in the world would i be doing right now if it wasn't for the music thumping in my ears right now

if you read this blog even in passing its pretty obvious how important and how much i need music in my life

at one point this year i was going through a phase were all my blog titles were the names of songs, that incidentally were probably playing at the time that i decided to write the blog post

today is one of those days i definitely need music because i am exhausted...i should have just gotten up at 4:40am this morning when my brother came yelling up the steps to Golden who evidently went to the bathroom by his bathroom at some point during the night...she tends to do that to him, she doesn't do that to me though...

so i am going to the kevin hart show in philly next month, or should i say i am planning to attend, depends on how things go with homie, but the tickets have been purchased...

soooo i need an outfit, especially after the CHALLENGE that was put out there today...
"i will be flyer than you at the show lol"
really homie
all i said back was "i can show you betta than i can tell you"

don't play me play lotto...CLASSIC

today i shall be embarking on the new gym by my house so we shall see how that works, they have the $10 a month no commitment agreement there and i really only need it for days off and the weekends because i like the gym at my job and it forces me to go straight from work...but i also need the option for when i am off every other friday and the weekends because i do like working out and i do like how it feels once i am done

i feel like i have done something for myself and that's a good feeling...

i am going through another phase

i wish i could show myself the friggin way right now

for the most part i am cool though, but really i don't have a problem telling people how i am feeling lately and i keep it moving...

i guess you just get tired of people thinking its one way and they have no clue at all who you are, none what so ever...

ok i am loud, i have a strong personality, i laugh, i joke, whatever...

but i am still sensitive and i still have feelings and you can't just say what you want and think it doesn't bother me...further more, i am not the butt of anyone's jokes...but its cool keep thinking what you want to think and thinking you know

you know what they say about folks who assume...

right...

exactly...

i am like an onion, i have many layers to me...some i am still figuring out so how do you think you have me figured out?

again its cool

i know who knows me and they don't judge, front or fake, they love me flaws and all and allow me to grow and help me to grow...that's all i need really

and i think that's what i have to do, i have to stop allowing people and their so called "opinions" affect me

i wish i could also show him the way...but i can't and i won't actually for that matter
its up to him to figure it out, all out...
i won't say i need for my life to be a movie, or a novel, but i would love for it to be a GREAT love song...

yep a love song...like the moon by eric roberson
or beautiful by musiq
or the truth by india or love of my life by Erykah or the way by Jill... or even we r one by Maze
i want the song or SONGS to come on and feel them in my soul not because that's what i want but because that's what i HAVE

but i as of right now its just always will by tweet because regardless you always will and i know that...but i want more than that..is that so wrong? to want more than this

patience

uggg i have no patience...i wish i could fast forward sometimes and see my life in like 5 years just see how it ends up

not knowing is what bothers me the most...but is it that i don't know, because i really do...

but i have to have faith right...that's the point of life-believing and having faith in that which we can't see or know right now

the reality is i live in my little house with my little dog and a not so little brother in my basement...all the other stuff isn't my reality and i know me i live for a good love song a good love story so i can't even get myself wrapped up in the "woulda shoulda couldas" of life

nope

i must live and continue to live in my reality and hopefully one day i'll have my love song, someone will love me enough to want to play out our own love song until the end

just one of them days...

when i am angry inside and i want to be all alone...

yep that's how i am feeling today

blown
angry
in pain
PMS'in
bloated

ugggggggggggg

times like this i don't even like myself

i had been feeling good because i have gotten back into a gym routine...here's what i have figured out though, i can't go home...period the end!

i have to pack a gym bag and go from work straight there and THEN go home because once home i won't feel like doing anything...

the metro is right there by the gym and i don't have to transfer

so let's just say i went from a high at the beginning of the week to this LOW

i don't like it i don't like all these friggin hormonal things that are happening with my body but more over i do not like all these emotional thoughts nor do i like this feeling of being drained like completely wiped out!

it sucks and i don't like it

there is a lot going on in my head and my heart right now that i am not liking or getting and its just going to take time to work through all these things

right now i just want to be quiet

i even cancelled my hair appointment for today because i am not feeling well and don't want to be bothered i don't even think i will be making it all day at work...as a matter a fact i KNOW that i won't make it all day at work today...

i just can't i want to be at home with my dog on my couch sleep....

i guess its just one of those days

i'd rather be by myself...

nothing else needs to be said!

sweet home Alabama

that's what i was supposed to had been singing tomorrow night

but NOPE i am not going

i am tired, drained and i am not feeling well

i want to see my parents though and if i could just box them two up and take them away with just me and them for a couple of days i would do just that

another part of me not going is Golden

seems my brother needs surgery and he won't be home this weekend, he was my sitter

i could have someone come and take her out twice a day but that's pretty mean to keep her locked up by herself all that time

i could also put her in a kennel, that's going to cost me a whole lot of money and i don't want my dog in no kennel PERIOD

yes call me crazy but i love my dog and i don't want anyone "taking care" of my dog

my mother is like i don't think its meant for you to come so just cancel everything out

i am sitting here at work trying my best to stay awake and trying to stay focused

do you know i went to bed last night at 9pm?! i was KNOCKED out like seriously...

who goes to bed that early anymore? i don't know people i am just tired

maybe me and the boo boo can go to the beach, she would like that...i might just go down to Chesapeake beach that's what 30 minutes from my house and we just walk around and enjoy some me time

you ever WANT to get away but you just don't have the energy to get away...
well that's how i am feeling right now...

I NEED A VACATION but i just don't have the energy to even take one!

silence

that's where i want to be

i want to sit in the corner in silence in a dark room by myself

that's it and that's all

i don't want to reflect

i don't want to talk

i don't want to care or be forced to care or to smile or anything that resembles an emotion

i just want to be silence

i wanted to write it all out, journal it all out

but then i couldn't

everyone, well not everyone, but people close to me, want to know what's wrong, are you ok? are you mad? what's wrong?

'ehhh' i don't know and right now i don't care

i just want to be silent

i don't even want to think

maybe that's why i have been so "on it" this week at work because working hard makes me not think about anything other than work

so if you don't hear from me, i am cool, i just prefer silence inside of myself and not the noise of the world or my thoughts for that matter

Life pieces

here is another great prose by my homie EJ

one thing about life is that it always has a way of giving you what you need when you need it, even when you don't know you needed it to begin with

life, its nothing but little pieces that make a whole, like a puzzle
but in life there are millions of pieces and we all have some of the same kinds of pieces and then we all have some different ones.
the real trick is that all the pieces really can fit anywhere you put them
but its our choice who we put them together or take them apart;
and the where and when we place them that create our image;
if you just FORCE them at random or indiscriminately your picture will just be a mess
HOWEVER sometimes there is great beauty to be found in the messiest images
(balance)

but at the end of life all we can hope is that we leave behind a beautiful picture to inspire and suggest ways others can manipulate their pieces.

the rest is simply out of our control

i don't like not "knowing" things...like there are somethings you just won't know and its cool to know that you are learning and growing as a person

you know what it is, i don't like not knowing where i stand with people with emotions

i have said it before and i'll say it again i do NOT like feelings and the feelings that having feelings can sometimes bring...

i know you shouldn't wish turning off feelings but i do

and i would rather be wise and cautious than to just listen to my heart...i have said all i am going to say and done all i am going to do

and the reality is when someone can't tell you where you stand or fully express or try to express why or how they feel for you what they claim that they do, you don't stand anywhere with them at all

so its like forcing the pieces of the puzzle to fit and in this case the mess won't be beautiful because all you do is prolong the inevitable

mind of matter

wisdom over heart

only way to go right now

ford music

yes...

i made up my own title to my own song because i don't have an aston martin i drive a ford

so i bumps ford music...CLASSIC

i tend to not like ricky rozzay or whatever he calls himself but i DO love that song

i especially love Chrisette's look...she's being so true to herself and she looks flawless

i also gravitate towards Drake's courous because it sounds like ole dude...

Bible study was awesome today, we are studying about what makes a family really work and today's lesson was on the role of a husband his responsibility and friday we will go over the wife's role and her responsibility and i can't wait! you have to be prepared and learn how to grow as a person

so not only will i know what will be needed from his position but I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO AND WHO I NEED TO BE

i think so many times we focus on what the other person needs to be doing or the IBM (ideal black man) list...its just a bunch of crap if its not from a biblical stand point you gotta know the role and be willing to grow together....

"and the two shall become ONE"

that's totally deep and you have to be on the same page in order to do that

anyways i digress in order to get to that point you gotta have your half of the two correct and in order

so i am totally going to just focus on me and not really in terms of trying to be a wife but just trying to be the best i can be

i have evolved so much over the past year or so not just years...like i am at a point in my life where i say what i need to say and i keeps it moving

i don't have to yell or curse or be mean or belittle or even WIN

i just say what i need to say and keep it moving and hope for the best

i think that's what is the best thing for me to do, do what i have to do and hope for the best

cranky

yep
i am in a pissy mood

like a really pissy mood and it wasn't until just now that i realized why

i am yet again on my working out and losing weight thing...so that means i haven't had any starch since Monday, no rice, no bread, no muffins, no croissants, potatoes, NOTHING

NOTHING I FREAKING LOVE TO EAT

nope instead its freaking oatmeal and fruit for breakfast, a salad for lunch and spinach and mushrooms with baked turkey wings for dinner

i don't mind the dinner so much nor do i mind the salad for lunch THAT much

but freaking every single day

and nope don't go trying to help by sending me recipes and other crap that could work because although i can and will cook i prefer to cook on Sunday and have stuff for the rest of the week because i am also working out again which means that my body aches and my knees hurt and my hair is a mess because i sweat in my head

so i just don't want to be bothered

i don't want to be at work

i don't want to talk to people

i just want to eat this nasty food, do my job, go home, take Golden out, work out, eat dinner and go to bed and then wake up to do the same CRAP all over again

i don't eat those frozen meals because they have too much sodium which leads to headaches and other health issues

then you can't have or indulge in the "sauce" either...ugggggggggggg

so i am opting to try to keep it fresh and light with the whole eating thing

i have lost 2 pounds those far

woptifreakinladedadido

see i told you i was in a mood and i realized i get like this every single time that i start eating better and working out its like my body is in shock and can't stand this mess

it really would prefer to be FAT AND HAPPY

yes big people are happy its others around us that make us feel like we have a disease because we aren't walking around feeling crazy because we are big

then because others feel the need to express their thoughts on how we need a personal trainer or should only have one starch a day or WHATEVER their opinions are you begin to feel bad so what do you do, you eat MORE of the things you shouldn't do because food makes you happy then what happens you can't fit clothe so you go shopping WHY because you had the food that made you happy so now you need the new clothes to make you happy and look better and the cycle just keeps going and going and going

LOOK i get it being a certain weight and out of shape is not healthy...but there are plenty of "fat skinny" people too out here, meaning they aren't healthy they don't exercise or eat right but they don't gain weight...

hey blame it on the metabolism, thyroid whatever

we are all different either love me for me or leave me the freak alone

ok
now that i have ranted on

i am trying to lose weight because although i have always been "thick" this having a gut and back fat thing doesn't work well or bold well for me or to me...so eating better, exercising, going to try this whole life style thing again...

you would think that in the summer i'd be more prone to do these things but actually its just to dag on hot, i love this time through the spring i do my best this time of year the air is crisp, the energy is high and i can get into my own groove

but for now and maybe for a week or so until i get over this initial hump i will be cranky in a mood

thus i will place myself on time out and sit in the corner ALONE i'll let you know when I feel like coming out

its your world...

is one of my favorite tracks from common's "be" album

i think one of the things that stands out is the fact that its really telling a story about how you have to make this life YOUR own...

i mean we all have obstacles that we face and things that come our way that we would much rather not have to deal with

but they are definitely all lessons learned when you sit back and you reflect on this life, your life you gotta take stock and determine which road you are going to travel and what world you want for yourself...

a lot of times its easy to get caught up in a lot of the nonsense that is this life we live but you gotta remember to keep moving forward and remember its your world

finally i'll leave you with this profound words from "pops" on part 2

Be, be here, be there, be that, be this
Be grateful for life, be grateful to life
Be gleeful everyday, for being the best swimmer among 500,000
Be-nign, be you, be mom's mean pie, be little black sambo With bad hair
Be aware of what a lynch is, Be, be boundless energy
Be a four star ghetto general, be no one except I
Be a strong academic student, be an A student in sociology
Be food for thought to the growing mind, be the author of your own horoscope
Be invited, be long-living, be forgiving, be not forgetful
Be a proud run, only to return to fight another day
Be peaceful if possible, but justice in ways (?)
Be high when you low, be on time but knowing to go
Be cautious of the road to college, taking a detour through Vietnam or the middle east
Be absent of wars at any past or present fought amongst themselves
Be visual of foreclosure over your shoulder while begging
A nation built on free labor for reparation, Be a cartopogropher
Be a map maker, be able to find afro-american man
search thoroughly it may be close to black man
Be ammended 5/5ths, be ammended 5/5ths human
Be the owner of more land than is set aside for wild life
Be cupid, to world government
Be found among the truth, lost tribe
Be at full strength when walking through the valley
Be not foolish as tender 18 of the mountain tops
Be a brilliant soul, sparkling in the galaxy while walking on earth
Be loved by God as much as God loved Ghandi and Martin Luther King
Be that last one of 144,000, be the resident of that twelfth house
Be....eternal!

in short we can all be anything we want to be no matter what the circumstances or obstacles that may come our way WE CAN MAKE IT

its your world

Mediocrity

"when i stop holding myself to higher standards, is when i've quit and accepted mediocrity. mediocrity that is not defined by comparison but instead by what my soul speaks. too many people have invested and given up so much on my behalf for me to just accept me being other than what i know i can achieve" EJ


my co-worker and i were having a deep convo today via email and he said that...

it struck a cord with me because he is definitely a good dude...he has his ways about him, but don't we all

he is always analysing himself and assessing how he can be better

the thing that he has an issue with is he doesn't give himself time to change or adjust

he doesn't have patience with himself

that led me to think about a lot of things with me and how i think react or handle situations

i know that PATIENCE is definitely key for me and i have to stop and remind myself all the time to be patient but i also have to stop and remind myself to keep pushing through even when things don't always have or don't always seem to fall into place

many times we do that we don't have patience and we just give up
either on love
on ourselves
whatever we just give up or worse yet we settle

but this quote right here is on point...

mediocrity is not an option in any area of life and as long as you are trying and striving we need to take time to give ourselves credit and see the Sunshine through the rain

....forever???

loving the vibe of this entire thing...

its a great way to feel

i love her tattoo

"marriage thrives and blossoms on the flower of patience"

current mood: happy

that's how it looks outside in the city right now

well maybe not RIGHT now at this very moment

but pretty much on and off all day this is how its been and will continue to go down...

and i love it!

I LOVE this time of year FALL ROCKS

(can I also say i love the fact that I am sitting at my desk typing this truly happy because i have the best quarter numbers i have ever had and i have a hat on my head and rain boots on my feet and i am listening to Jill Scott and Darius Rucker, jam to "sometimes I wonder")

I am really feeling life right now...

you know how you know someone is praying for you, i know my momma musta been praying for me to have some inner peace and comfort because that's how i have been feeling

i mean i am just so at peace right now...i have been talking myself and one of my bffs through our situations and talking about helps to process it

you know what while in conversation with him the other not he asked me "is it that simple"
my reply "yes its that simple, life isn't that complicated and love isn't hard, people make it that way"

its true

why do we get caught up in making things so much harder than they really need to be

it doesn't have to be that difficult

he's still dragging his feet and you know at this point the situation is a 50/50 split because the truth is he may not ever really fully see or get what is in front of him, even though he see's it and recognizes it, the opportunity, that doesn't mean that he can get over the past and move forward

i let that stuff go a long time ago, but maybe he hasn't...

i don't know but it ain't that deep

either you down or you not

at this point in life either shyt or get off the pot as my Madea would say

i i i i i want want want want you you you
but it won't let go...
tried to turn the sauna up a little hotter...
tried to drink the holy water...
but it won't let go...
i want you so what we gonna do...
i know you nervous, but i am genuine

but you know what, i have to remember that no one can make you happy, sad, mad or glad but YOU

we give people way to much power and control over our lives, our spirits, our emotions, or how we even feel about ourselves and its not necessary

either they see it or they don't...

its not up to you to make them see anything and you can't force grown folks to do anything

sometimes you just have to let it be
because at the end of the day you are blessed in and all by yourself

you live by to go on, you go through to grow on

bump it

fat beats
fat drums

push up the fader....
bust up the meter....
shake the tweeter....

bump it wellllll welllllll wellllll

you know I love it when they play my beat real loud

BUMP IT



it is the one thing that has always been by my side and never leaves my side for another woman, or because i am to loud or too fat or too anything

it loves me

it doesn't judge me

it likes me for me

and it goes along with my mood

if i am feeling a little "gangsta"

if i feel like feeling love or not

if i am feeling a little blu

if i am feeling happy, sad, pretty or glad

it roles with me

no questions asked

it just gets up and moves right along with me

if I am in the truck, in the house or walking around dc, its right there with me

its the only thing besides my momma that really loves me unconditionally

it loves me and i love it

MUSIC

.....i want

i don't know what i want

but common's "i want you" is playing right now

i don't think i am going to keep with this new program, I don't like it, and its not really what i want to do and i don't like the "online ONLY" course work

i need to interact with people and things

so yea we'll see what happens with that...probably a WITHDRAWAL

Golden is constantly with me if I am in the house

like right now she is sitting up under me as i try to type this, but that's my fatty girl

oh i did get my promotion, i won't see the money until like mid-octoberbut that's still cool

sad part is i didn't have anyone to celebrate with, so me and Gold's tossed and that was it

its like 7pm on a saturday night and i am in the house

"the truth" is rocking right now...by india aire

i LOVE LOVE LOVE this song, this is how i want to feel about my him..

i met with my first couple today for my first wedding coordination/planning gig...i am doing it for free because i have never done a wedding officially so I am hoping that i do a good job, its not until next september but you know me, i want to do it right

so we shall see

i am thinking about re-locating...i am over the DMV and i want a family and a life of my own and so i may have to leave to achieve that, maybe not

i can't leave unless i can transfer my position so at least for now i'll be here

life is interesting and it always has a way of working itself out if you just stop worrying about things and do you best to be your best things work out

if one more person asks me about losing weight...why are so many people interested in my weight or my weight loss or gain...dude i am alright i am not that small but i am not that big either so either love me or leave me alone if you have weight issues those are your issues

i am cool

i think people love to see other people upset about stuff so they say stuff for what i don't know but i am cool homie, you?

lol

maybe i'll go to miami next month, why not...only thing i have to worry about is Golden and she can go stay with my nephew they take really good care of her over there

"on & on"

the man that knows something knows that he knows nothing at all...

ain't that the truth, i told a PhD that last week in class, i hope that no matter how educated i become i don't belittle people she truly irked the hell out of my nerves...

ok i am done

repost from 06, nothing has changed

Now, I do NOT have an ideal black man (IBM) list or even a type...

I have a few givens, things that I think are important, but I don't have a list, I feel like lists put you into a position NOT allowing yourself room to breathe it just puts you in a box...and that BOX/tightly packaged MAN ay never come your way...

But here are a few givens...
***believe in Jehovah God and his son Christ...and HAS a personal relationship with them, through studying and cultivating that relationship at least working on it...if nothing else
***respectful
***HONEST (I don't like liars)
***Has a strong bond with his family...respects the importance of family
***Has goals, wants something out of life...(I don't care if you drive a bus or work in corporate America...just have some goals)
***Someone who believe in the sanctity of MARRIAGE...wants to be MARRIED
***Faithful (can't just assume that folks believe in monogamy)
***Can hold a conversation about any and everything from current politics, black weath, religion, music, to just joking around
***Understands the importance of giving back or at least respects my role in the community...has consensousness about the events of the day, and what is going on in OUR community...and wants to do something about it, even if its just being the BEST man he can be and raising his family right...



You know just someone who is...
Open to experience new things: such as new places, food, music...someone who will go to a Gnarls Barkley or The Gorillas OR see Maze or Prince or Jay-Z...or go down to U Street and listen to some Jazz...
AND
Rocks more than just a white tee and Timbs/Nike Boots/Air Force Ones every where we go...have some flavor....

But more importantly I just want someone who is INTO me...I mean really into me, from the way he looks into my eyes, to the way he rubs my cheek, the way he holds my hand...just is a MAN NOT a male (and YES brothas I know that requires me to be a WOMAN and NOT a female..I am willing to do my part as long as he is willing to do his)...

So although I do have a "jones" for Jim Jones...that's NOT my reality...my reality is a God fearing/spiritual (not just religious, because you can go to church EVERY Sunday and NOT know a THANG about GOD or have a relationship with him) clean-cut/eclectic, upright, honest, loving, intelligent, strong, faithful brother...NOW THAT'S SEXY....

A brotha that's in it to win it...me and him against the world...doing it the RIGHT way...

That's my reality....

why are you single?

YOU TELL ME

that's what I want to yell at someone every time asks me that freaking question

its always followed by you are so smart or you are so sweet and giving or whatever

for like the umptenth time i had an older person ask me why i am not married
:/

i was in training for 5 days with older said person and everyone in the room was in a committed relationshiop, even those younger in the class were at least in a bf/gf relationship,

not me, single

so he asked "why aren't you married yet?"
the ex asked me that 3 weeks ago, his cousin asked me that as well...

my answer:

HELL I DON'T KNOW

I have self reflected, self evaluated, listened to others tried to grow taken the critism, the lesson's learned and all that...

i don't have an attitude like i used to, i cook, i clean, i wash, i work, i am affectionate, i will admit that i don't openly express my feelings like i used to or even allow myself to have feelings because they have been hurt

still NOTHING

ask them dudes why they haven't found me yet

one of my girls asked me once "do you think you are meant to be married"

that hurt...why? because you mean to tell me YOU can be meant to have your hearts desires but not me...

ok

sure

i guess people think i want to be single because i am fine with it

no i have learned the lesson of enjoying my life and where i am right now and not letting life pass me by just because i don't have a husband and a family

but that doesn't mean i am HAPPY about it

I am "cool" with it because i am not going to drive myself crazy with "what if" or "how come them and not me"

when its my turn it will be my turn

but I wasn't going to stop living and doing me just because i was "waiting on a man"

so i bought a house, got a good job and live

i guess to the world around me i look sad or something

or maybe i should as said girl told me as well, "get a trainer"

maybe if i was a LSLHT (light skin long hair thin) girl then i'd find a man or he'd find me rather

but then its like when i went into the grocery last night and this dude was ON my back and another one was like "hey beautiful" i smiled and said HI

but nothing...

then there is the other situation which is driving me NUTS
(this is my blog right so i can be real)

why is it that you are dragging your feet?

WTH is wrong with you?

That's how i am feeling, here you have the opportunity that most people don't get and you drag your freaking feet...

and you know what i am not saying or doing anything about it because its not me and if you can't see what you have or the opportunity you have to have the love and support i am willing to offer than that's on you

what is wrong with people?!

everyone wants to play and have the girl in the video or "do them" or "run the streets"

if you have an opinoin
make money
have a home
aren't a size 6 or 10
and have values you get left in the dust or you get looked at like you are crazy

i told my mom the other night
"hell i should've just been a hood rat because they gets all the dudes no problems"

what the hell gives

and stop asking me why i am single because if I knew the hell why i wouldn't be

let me be happy in my own skin and let GOD work it out and stop asking me that question
people act like either i'll never have it because i am fat or strong or too independant (which this whole independant woman thing i am totally OVER) or whatever they think

its like i wanna yell

THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT OR NOT

*drops mic, and gets off the soap box*

you ever...

miss someone

but the thing is a week ago you didn't even think missing them would ever be possible...

yea you believed in the unbelievable, ONCE upon a time...

you didn't think that there was second chances and the reality is you don't even know if there really is a second chance because why would there be why would there be a second chance for us or why would after EVERYTHING we have been through

but we might have that chance

i think about you that's for sure.........................

OUR STORY kinda

mood: sucks

at a new job, but this is it...

period the end i am done...after all i went through to get here and to finally be OFF probation

it started off ok and then it took a left turn down the dumps FAST...

on my anniversary date then there was so much other stuff going on

here is the thing, i don't know how i feel and everyone has an opinion and its WAY to much because its like if i don't agree with you i am letting this person influence me, and vice versa

how about everyone has a point and most of them are good some not so good, some valid some not

i don't know how i feel and i do NOT like feeling like this nor do i want to feel like i don't have control over my feelings or understand my feelings

the only person i want to talk to is my mom because she let's me talk she doesn't have an opinion and she let's me just work through my issues she doesn't act like she "knows" but she does know and she always make me feel better

even Golden knows that i am upset she kept giving me kisses to try to make me feel better...that's my boo for real

Kiamsha started again last night and it was a good orientation night i think the youth really opened up and we talked about what they are facing so that was good

i was truly in a bad mood but when i left i was in such a better mood they make me feel better because they don't want anything other than for someone to listen and to pay attention to them

but isn't that what we all want

....full of emotions

the weekend was full of a lot of emotions...

a lot of emotions, most of them were WONDERFUL

i told you guys they were in love...

the two weddings that i have been blessed to partake in this year you could definitely see the LOVE, TRUE GODLY LOVE between a man and a woman

that its literally moving

its one of those things that its like "I WANT THAT, NOTHING LESS"

and that's the real...

so those emotions were very much so welcomed...

i had other emotions, that i don't know if i'll share on here...i can say the emotions were totally unexpected but i am making a mends with them...

i admitted that i no longer like emotions or feelings and that i don't know what to do with them when they come upon me so suddenly...

i have determined that a lot of times when i have a rush of emotions i become in short, a NUT CASE

and me and nutty don't mix ya dig...LOL

i like my peaceful, non dramatic existence, but i did say that i have to be open and i also said i needed to let HIS will be done in my life so i will let my personal emotions take time to evolve and reveal themselves as to what exactly they are and how and when to use them or not or whatever the case maybe

several years later and the feelings, emotions, care, is still there...

you ever seen someone you hadn't seen in months maybe even YEARS (as was my case) and the connection was still so strong its like you never missed that time at all?

like you finished thoughts, sentences...

or you have the most candid conversation EVER and its so effortless and respectful and easy...

but at the same time you know that the years are there

so the reality is that it will take time to become friends again and that being friends right now is the best thing for both of you because let's face it when you were friends that was the best time because it was the purest form of love you two have with one another it was the easiest and most joyous

so you just want your friend back, but you're more mature now, you've learned now, you understand things from a new point of view

but there is life, time, distance, all the same things that were there before...

so you hold onto the moment though because if nothing else you know you had that one all nighter conversation you have been longing for and didn't even know it...

and another one

maybe because i am not the maid of honor or maybe because i am so happy for my lil sis

she is getting married!

i can't believe it, i remember saying to her last year this time that it was coming...

and the Sunday after Christmas in church he proposed in front of her family and friends

and now tomorrow, she will be married a wife, HIS WIFE

i think i do feel this for all of my girls that have gotten married...

I love LOVE real LOVE

Black LOVE

well in this day and age i'll take purple love, you know someone that really loves you no matter

you know what's rocking in my ears right now,

"love of my life" by Erykah Badu and Common...

this rocks...

i have been happy all week, maybe its because I got me some hurr...LOL

maybe its because i know her entire family is coming and its going to be a HUGE event and she is going to look like an angel...

maybe its the fact that i get to get "dolled up"

maybe its just me feeling happy for someone else other than me and i know that in the end knowing someone has a love to call their own...

ooohhhh you know you rock my world, you be boy and i'll be girl...it don't stop until the break of dawnnnnnnnnnnnn

repeat repeat repeat repeat...

marrying your best friend is the way to go!

wooohoooo

I'm just a soul....

i think its always easiest to be misunderstood when you don't understand yourself at the present time..

my mind is spinning...i am replaying scenes in my head over and over again and the girlie side of me is coming out and i am day dreaming about things that may never be or could never be...

let me not only be misunderstood by others let me not be misunderstood in and of myself..

its times like these when i wish my mind where strictly black and white and not these shades of gray

doooodoooodooooo....repost of sorts

happy feelings in the air, touchin people everywhere, plenty love and everything, listen to the people sing....

I'VE GOT MYSELF TO REMIND ME OF LOVE

got my mind and my heart...i believe in a love...and these happy feelings, feel that happy feelings...

I WISH YOU HAPPY FEELINGS

so i have posted this song before, and like everything it shuffles through on my ipod i get totally happy!

Maze has the soundtrack to my life

and when i say i am truly got Happy FEELINGS right now...

I am hitting on ALL cylinders...

i am motivated unlike i have been i'll say in a couple years....the last time i was hitting on things like this i was in graduate school for the first time

maybe i feel like this because i have been accepted in and will be returning to graduate school this fall for my second degree a MS in cyber security policy...

did i just share that with the world and i haven't even told anyone outside of my parents, besties and brothers (and only 2 of them know)...

i don't even want to "talk" about it, i just want to DO it...and for no one else other than myself because its been 4 years since i got my first degree i feel like i am missing out on academia and what's to be learned, discussed, read, written...and if i am ever to go back to get my PhD i need this to get my chops wet again

kiamsha is off to a GREAT start as well...i am motivated and just ready to do it

last two years have been with a lot of major changes and adjustments but i made it and i am HAPPY and BLESSED

not lonely not sad not nothing other than...cool to be in my own skin

maybe that comes with 30

even with this wedding coming up, i know i weigh more than before, but so does he and i could care less...because TC rocks it no matter what...funny thing is people always say little things like
"well why don't you get a trainer" YOU get one...i am fat and happy...LOL

ok ok ok...i know i need to lose weight for health reasons...but i will not be a 8, hell i'll be cool with a 10 or 12 but that's me...

you know what...here it is i am in love with me...you know how you think you are in love with you, but you aren't really real with you so you think you are in love but you really aren't...

no, this time i am IN love with me...i know my flaws, i am working on them and i am ok with me because i know i am growing every single day

i had a good year review as well, my promotion package went in, cross your fingers...

like the girl is just working it out...and is going to keep her head up because in the end if i don't exude the positive in my life who will?

exactly my point...

HAPPY FEELINGS PEOPLE

me...

i realize that i am very content right now...

and although that's a good thing, i recognize that it really isn't

you see one day i want to be a wife and a mother, but i absolutely have no interest or drive to be in anyone's relationship and i don't know if i will any time soon...that's scary because it takes what 6 months to year or two of dating to get to a point of marriage and then another 2 or 3 being married before i would be ready for kids...

and the reality is i may end up being in this same space at 35 and its just me and Golden..

you know i sat and watched Marley and Me this weekend (well a couple of times, the first time she heard the puppy crying and she went to the tv to see what was wrong and then she heard him bark and she was looking for the dog, she is so smart...)

well back to the point when Marley died in the end i was balling, crying my eyes OUT...and she was laying on my lap and i know she was like "mum ok what is wrong with you, i am sleep" lol

she is so important to me

and i would be happy just me and her and no drama and not having to deal with anything or anyone...but that's not living and that's not loving...love is all about the other person and going outside of yourself

i guess i always feel like i love and don't receive it back...i DO know that i have grow a lot and can see myself flaws and all and when it IS finally that time i'll hopefully be more prepared for the hopefully FINAL round...that's all i got left in me

energy

sometimes in life we kinda just float through we don't necessarily think about all that is going to eventually come back to us...

that's why you have to be the best person you can possibly be while being true to yourself..

its definitely not the easiest thing to do, because sometimes being true to yourself will mean hurting someone's feelings or not answering a phone call when you just aren't up for being the listening ear because let's face it you may be going through your own issues and problems at the present time

i think this song (i know i am late with posting) but listening to this song today helped to remind me that even though the first law of nature is "self preservation"

one must also be true to the the commandment to love thy neighbor as thy self...

and sometimes that's not always the easiest thing to do, especially when someone hurts you...but we have to remember its up to us what we take in and what we don't...

its easier said than done, especially when you're hurting...but i always remember that person will have to live with the fact that they did you wrong...so remain true to who you are

we all must remember that whatever energy we put out into the universe will come back to us, so be sure you are putting out the positive, remember to lift people up and love one another

the south

so i am from the south

i remember arguing about it in my college days when my boyfriend and all his family were from south jersey and so i didn't want to be from the south (oh how we all want to fit in, never mind that southern jersey is country as hell but you know wharves) then there was the boom going on when everything was from the south so you wanted to be from the south..

DC/DMV has always been confused and we don't want to claim the south but we don't want to be northern either...just like we'll say DC before we say maryland when out of state because people will automatically think baltimore and goodness forbid DMV folks be associated with baltimore...its way more complicated than need be but hey it is what it is

yes we here in the DMV live below the mason dioxin line and we ARE from the south...

good thing is we are right here at the thing so i like to say we are a little southern metropolis...

meaning we technically are in the south and technically we sound country as hell but we are a little city and world of its own...

i had a whole bunch of witty things that i wanted to say, however i have the flu and an ear infection so i'lll just leave you with one of my favorite southern party starting songs

her music...

makes me happy...

i mean it really makes me want to get in my truck (with new tires and breaks and all-that's another post) and just RIDE OUT

and it makes me think yea i feel the same way...well i gotta find someone that makes me feel this way but yea...oh i did just fall in love with them shoes she got on in the end

....

today wasn't a good day...

i don't feel confident

i don't like my body

i feel FAT

yes today was NOT a good day

oh but i meet with a major executive and it went well...

still no matter what when you pantsuit is TIGHT as all get out and you feel like a stuffed sausage...

yea not a good day

in dedication

i don't do many dedications around here...but outside of Maze and Earth, Wind & Fire....this band was and will always be IT to me

to Robert Wilson and the entire GAP band family...may Robert rest in peace and know that the music made will live on

this is REAL music!

now we funk...my daddy says you always celebrate the life, so let's party

YES!

bittersweet

Every now and then I still get a flashback Of the time I spent Thinking you could be that one Should I have just kept your love? Yes I understand,We did have some good times On the other hand, Got my crying all night It was too much for my mind So even though I left you I can't forget you' Cause when I think about you It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet Guess I'll always love you It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

that's how i feel or i am feeling...

here's the story (i'll try in 25 words or less)
my college ex's lil sister is getting married, she and i have always been close and remained close after the breakup, i am in the wedding, her shower was this weekend, i was there of course and while there was introduced to those who didn't know me per se, as "o's ex T" lol, and then comes the "so what can we do to get the two of you back together" with smiles from ear to ear, or telling me how she is never around and no one likes her...just a whole bunch of stuff...

and here's the thing its been a few years so i wasn't expecting NONE of this

who knows if people were being serious or if they were just saying that to see what i would say or do...

my response, i just want him to be happy...

and i do...the other thing is, to me, he made his choice what 4-5 years ago when he "did him" instead of working to mend it, he chose to continue to deal with her and eventually have a son, that was his choice...

he's a good father from what i understand, never doubted that, and i am happy he has a lil man and he's in love with him...and the fact that he has a son with her doesn't bother me at all

here's what is bothering me-why am i even thinking about this in the first place? why am i entertaining this?

i haven't seen or talked to him in 4 years

maybe i am thinking about it because i have always loved his family, like the family i thought i would be apart of, we were all very close, his sister and i still are, and his mother still refers to me as her other daughter (that was my other introduction this weekend) so definitely no love lost, but man oh man...they were my people and will always be in my life to a certain extent because i'll always been there for his sister and his parents, you don't breakup with families...its just not that easy...although i did back off a long time ago because i didn't want her to feel some sort of way, so i communicated with his sister and mother on a limited bases and not on the daily, the weekly, then monthly bases because that was for her to do you know...i just didn't want to step on folks toes

and then maybe i am thinking about it, because admittedly, being real, the ego of being "the one that got away" puts a little smile on my face (i know that's ridiculous) but that's the reality and i am being honest with myself...

here's the thing that i was told by a couple of people
its not that he made a choice, it was that he made a mistake and didn't know how to come back...

i guess...

this was the person i looked at a engagement rings with, landed on a right with, had sized and everything...

yea

and i don't even know, well when you are with someone for so long and you love so hard, maybe that love never really goes away...i know when i saw him 4 years ago i still loved him very much..

but since then i have loved again and lost again...

maybe it was one of the hardest thing in my life because he was definitely my BEST friend...and then we weren't even friends anymore...

it took me a long LONG time to get over the entire situation because we had been through so much, so very very much...so its hard when you think about that

but like my ls said this weekend, not to condone it, but we were in a long distance relationship the entire relationship, we were young, and i have come to the conclusion we were too young and we should have been friends...his father has always said that...and i agree

i don't think, based on my experiences that people should be so young and put so much pressure on someone to be in an "adult" committed relationship...young people, especially in your college years, early 20s, should be spending time learning and loving themselves and just being friends and eventually when your hit about 23/24 then maybe go to that committed relationship...so that means no sex, none of that just fun and being friends...

you love way too hard, and don't even know how to properly love someone because you don't know how to properly love yourself

again just my personal opinion...

because then you are both ready to be committed and can move forward...you just can't be in a relationship without knowing who you really are...and then you have in some cases where someone might be intimidated by someone else because they are going through with education and the other person isn't...or the distance or just having fun may be an issue...

anyways i guess i just needed to put thoughts to computer screen and just get this out and off my chest...

he was and is always going to be a good guy to me, despite his whatever you want to call it he did, and i definitely hope that he is happy

because the reality is i am...

mind dumpin

so my folks leave on sunday...yes they have plucked my ever lastin nerves...but i will truly miss them!

it won't be another whole year before i see them though, i'll be heading down to see all their renovations in november and then again in march for the family cruise and i am hoping that their 2 week summer stay will become a yearly event...

they both look really good...i just really love my folks...i really really do

i am a little blahza today...no particular reason...just am...

maybe because people are funny, especially females...no matter how old you get people are just that funny...i just have to remember not to be funny myself ya dig...its funny i say that at 30 or is it sad?

started reading "ain't i a woman" by bell hooks...it examines black feminism...definitely a question i have wrestled with for years...am i black or a woman first? and why do i have to choose? i think its cool to know someone else has had these same thoughts or issues or ponderings

is it just me or does anyone else's ipod seem to play the same stuff constantly...i mean its like over 2400 songs on this thing but i feel like it plays all the same stuff on shuffle..

ok here we go...some byb "i can change" in my ears...let blast it so my co-workers can think i am even more crazy then they already think i am...

i have gotten my focus back...dude i was OFF for a min...like not focused at work or at home just blah

and even though i am mad tired right now, i have been on it this week...i don't know what snapped me back into action but i am glad that i did..now if i can snap back into action with this weight loss...i haven't gone back up but geesh i needs to go DOWN...

oh here is the other thing i realize...i am still a work in progress when it comes to other peoples opinions or things...i don't like for people to not "get me" or if someone, like my dad, has something to say, it cuts like a knife...like he told me i was "fat" yep just like that i was "fat" i had gained weight...so for the past two weeks i have been extremely self conscious especially when i went out for my birthday...i don't like any of the pictures i am way to wide...sad isn't it..

well if you don't like what you see in the mirror its up to you to change it right?

i want to crawl under my desk and take a nap...like right now!

oh you know another thing that bothers me, terribly...beggars...

this may sound harsh to some, but this is the place i should be able to speak my mind right...now don't get me wrong homelessness is a major cause that i have and it bothers me that so many people in the "wealthiest" country on this here what we call earth are homeless...but i do NOT like be harassed or looked at like i have no soul every 5 steps i take because i don't give you change every day...i can't get food, go to CVS, or just walk to and from work without being asked at least 5 times for spare change, etc...and if you offer to buy food, etc...you get cursed out
i'll buy street cents from the homeless vendors and i tend to give extra at least once a week to the 8 people that are on my block...yes there are that many...

its a bit much to handle daily...i know i am blessed and i don't complain about my job, my house, my truck none of that because i am blessed and i am only but a few checks or a breakdown away from possibly being there myself...so i try to show compassion as much as i possibly can, but dude...come on...its a lot daily, hourly its a bit much...

that's just me you can tell me i am crazy or mean, won't be the first time i've heard it...

back to work...

have a great weekend i am off to new jeru for a bridal shower tomorrow...

summer spirit festival

you wanna hear some real music have a good time and see black folks together enjoying life with no issues

this was the place to be last night

here was the line up:

Janell Monea

Common

Chuck Brown

The Roots

Erykah Badu

When i say it was a party it was a PARTY!

we were there right at the end of Monea's set, but we saw everyone else...I had seen everyone before except Common and let me tell you my baby daddy put on a SHOW! loved it

Chuck of course had the entire crowd rocking for an hour straight...i downed my food as quickly as possible so i could get up and dance...they did a tribute to DMV legend Lil Bennie...when they hit

"i see the light, I see the party light, the red and blue and heather green...so everybody come on let's party down and if you don't get the hell outta here..."

when they hit that pocket! this girl went off...they even showed video of lil Bennie when he was with the Masters, dude that was like the mid 80s i was a youngin fo real but my brothers and him are around the same age...so i came up on the music...

anyways i went off on a a go go tangent huh...

Common was the best, then Chuck then Erykah, I have seen her numerous times so i know that she likes to change it up every time...this time it wasn't enough funk, more meloncony...she was FLYY as hell though!

I mean hair blond in a mohawk with some loubitan's on and a banging dress...

LOVED it...

I also loved her hip hop free style, she is conscious but still has that street flare, not to toot my own horn, but something like what i try to be...there is nothing wrong with being multi dimensional...and she is that and that's one of the things that really draws me to her...the fact that she is so layered...

i always say i am like an onion and i am and its cool to see others as layered as me...

it was a perfect ending to a GREAT week...

now i chill, reflect, snack, eat, and chill some more

so i'll leave you all with this...complexity

and i can't leave this post without a video of lil Bennie....