I am ready for the new year....

2010!

yes in deedy people i am sooooo ready for the new year...

i thought that i was going to have this deep reflective post...

but i don't...

all i know is that i am happy, i am very happy

i just got the news that i qualify for my mortgage loan! What better news to start off the new year with than the fact that by myself i qualify for the loan and the lender that i am working with is on her business she told me she didn't want to lock in my rate today because holidays and the end of the week are the worse times to do so, so we are going to lock it in the beginning of next week...see that's what i am talking about someone who is going to look out for me...that's why i am a TRUE proponent of referrals...she is a friend of one of my colleagues

i just bought a new rug and some throw pillows for my living room and got a lot of stuff hug up so now the house actually looks like a home and not just a place to live...best of all the house doesn't look like my parents house it looks like MY house!

rock on

i am also at peace with being single...i have had two interesting conversations the last two days back to back with wonderful women at my job and both of them said to me that my time is coming because of where i am at in my life and in my spirit that my true time is coming and just keep doing what i am doing and getting myself together

so that's what i am going to be doing

i have a goal of losing 30lbs before my 30th birthday

i really want to focus and do well with my new position and taking that seriously and doing well...

and spiritually making sure that i keep my focus where it needs to be and living my life right

amazingly i have survived all of these different changes some good some bad

my homeboy said to me

"so 2009 was like a Mary J album for you huh...seems like you came out the other end stronger"

and i think i'll end it with that...i think 2010 will be like new Mary

snow day

this past weekend the DMV got hit with major snow...

so i made it a point to unpack the rest of my things (i only have 2 boxes left and i will be fixing up the second bedroom in the spring)

i really enjoyed it i felt accomplished like ok i really got some things done that i really needed to get done so that i can keep moving forward with my life...

i even cooked both saturday and sunday...sunday i threw down i had smothered chicken breasts, yellow rice, spinach and some biscuts!

the girl can cook i just have to be motivated to do so...

my brother had my cooking for the first time, and i definitely believe that he was in shock that my food was so good...in his mind i really think he thinks i am still 16...its cool though we are both learning each other so it is what it is...point is now he knows i can burn and burn good!

i had been doing really well with feeling good and feeling excited but now that the holiday is on friday i feel so blah...i know that once this first year being without my parental units is over that next year it will be better...i also know that i was anticipating not being single so that's a bit of a bummer but it is what it is...

i am going to go and get my eyebrows and hair done today in the hopes that i will feel much better about myself...because right now i am just blah

not heavy but just a little sad...not as sad as i was on thanksgiving though...

anyways...enough about that stuff...

some people i know now have lists for 2010...i don't have any lists of things that i want to do, but i know that i want to live my BEST life in 2010 so that's what i am going to do...

i am going to eat right, exercise, work hard and play just as hard!

i definitely just want to be the best TC i can be...

i think i am going to take some time to reflect over the next week or so and really get myself aligned for the new year...

i have plenty of love and plenty of people around me that are doing well and doing positive and for the most part, that's what i tend to focus on...

but Christmas will definitely be a little different without the early morning hug from my mom & dad...

Happy Holidays folks!

Random thoughts

day by day things get better...

i am cool

still tired though i don't know why i don't have any energy but i don't and i am tired i think i have a sinus infection but i'll be alright...

you know what shows i am loving right now, "say yes to the dress" "the cake boss" "amazing wedding cakes" and this other show where the guy takes the wedding and changes it all around in like 3 weeks but i can't think of the name...TLC rocks!

when i was sick with the flu i stayed at home and watched nothing but TLC and WEtv for the Golden Girls...i don't care what anyone says the golden girls are CLASSIC!

I finally went back to Kiamsha on Monday there are like at least HALF of the group new students and i love it, new young people to get to know new challenges new chances to help a young person make a change for the better in there life...

yes, slowly i am getting my mojo back...

i had a random conversation with a guy in Target this past weekend...i was looking for a CD and he helped me find it, he introduced himself and even told me I "look cute today"...he was nice, handsome, tall, the whole nine...NOTHING came of it and nothing needed to other than me being reassured that there are some nice gentlemen out here...and that in and of itself made me smile

i am not ready to date, talk to anyone, none of that kind of thing...i am just going to keep concentrating on me and getting my life right

i am going to spend the holiday with one of my closets friends/lil big sis who is coming up from Houston and then i am going to spend the day itself with my brothers and my sister-in-law and her sisters and my nephews that will be nice...i really enjoy them but haven't gone to see them in a minute (well the one brother lives with me) so we'll be loud and funny and get into it and then be loud and funny again...it will be a good holiday

thanksgiving was rough, first holiday without the parental units and i missed them some kind of aweful so getting away will be good! i'll still miss them though

whoever said adulthood was the bomb LIED it sucks and it can kick rocks! it has its moments but the real world can kick your butt at times, and its like you can't have it ALL at once...either you have the career but no life, money but your are paranoid, love jacked up job...like why can't we just have it all? am i wrong because i want it all? because i feel like i deserve it all?

ah yes patience...lessons learned...growing up....growing as a person...LIFE

so can 2009 by the way...although i have progressed tremendously over the past year in terms of my professional life/career and financially, personally a lot of my relationships have either suffered or ended or simply folks moved away or moved on...and that sucks majorly...

but like the TD Jakes message stated "if people want to walk out of your life let them walk"
TRUE statement i mean how real can you get that's as real as you can get because why pray or beg or plead for someone to stay around in your life if that's not what they want to do...

i think the following quote sums it all up best and its what i am feeling like these days...i am not perfect but i know that and i am willing to look in the mirror face my flaws and keep moving forward and try my best to be my best in all aspects...and the person for me will be for me...

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." ~Juno

music

one thing still remains the same for me and that is MUSIC (and fashion but i won't go there right now)

music is and will always be the ONE thing that can keep my focused and give me peace...

so here are some old and new tracks that make me smile a little bit in my heart or simply make me get up and dance




Shake your thang

Try sleeping with a broke heart

been a while

since i posted something

i think i haven't posted anything because i haven't really been motivated i was really trying to get through the first few months in class and then get through working before i did anything

one of my homegirls sent my an email during my time of trials and told me that sometimes she can't even fully get through my blogs because they can be so depressing...well dag on

but the reality is that the past 6 months have been pressing and trying to say the least but i have learned a grown a lot during that period of my life

i look back on how much i have grown as a person and i can say wow i have grown i definitely believe in myself and in GOD more than ever because I can see how he works in everyday life

i think that's the key to faith or belief is when you can sit back and see everything for what it really is and know that in the end everything will be ok..

i still have my moments when i really miss my parents and him as well...but i know that they are better off being down south and i also take comfort in knowing that the person that is for me will be for me...i still think about him a lot and think about the times we share and i'll crack a little smile to myself when i think about how he made me feel but i also know that i'll feel even more when "he" comes for me

in the meantime i have come to understand that the person that i need to concentrate on is me...i know it doesn't take years or even a year for you to KNOW that person is for you...one of my girls is engaged and she started dating her husband to be at the same time me and he start dating...it definitely doesn't mean that i will be all mid-30s and still single but even if i am, you know i'll be ok...

i am in a good place financially, i have a home i have a lot going for me i love my new position there is a lot of room for growth and the ability to learn and i have so many people around me that love me and want to see me do well and that ROCKS like i can't even describe how awesome it is to know that no matter what people around you really love you and want to see you do well...

one thing that i am learning too is that only YOU can make you happy...we say it all the time but we really have to believe it and understand just how much our attitude affects our altitude

initally i was extremely hurt and upset by things not working out but as time goes on i realize that i appreciate him walking away if he wasn't ready for a long term committment then there wasn't any point in wasting time especially when at this point in my life wasting time isn't something that i want to do...i want someone to know like i know and want to work on it...relationships are hard work and i don't think that many of us really realize just how hard it can be or just how much you have to give of yourself...i can honestly say that being alone for so long as i have been and depending on just me kept me closed off from allowing myself to open and ready so maybe i too wasn't as ready for love as i thought...another lesson learned another thing to learn from in 2009

many times we are the ones that get in our own way focusing on the negative things that are happening in our lives instead of being focused on the blessings

like for example i got a text from a friend of mines her and her husband are looking to adopt a family that has been affected by the recession and it hit me, i am not one of those people. in a time when people are losing jobs and trying to find jobs and making ends meet, i am actually ahead of game just got a new job and about to be a home owner i mean i have a lot going on for me...like it just hit me like dag girl do you know just how blessed i am and i am!

do i have moments of lonliness and thoughts of things but i am in a good place right now and that's a blessing

i also know that 2009 has been rough for me but its been a rough year for a lot of people, but i know that the blessings are coming becasue sometimes you got hit the bottom in order to appreciate the top

2010 is going to be a good year because my attitude will reflect such...

my heart and soul are coming back stronger and better than ever

Everyone Can't Be in Your Front Row.

Life is a theater - invite your audience carefully.
Not everyone is healthyenough to have a front row seat in our lives.
There are some people in yourlife that need to be loved from a distance.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining,negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhererelationships/friendships/fellowships!

Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention to:
Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciateyou and the gift that lies within you?

The more you seek God and the things of God,the more you seek quality.
The more you seek not just the hand of God but the face of God, the more youseek things honorable.
The more you seek growth, peace of mind, love andtruth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets tosit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
You cannot change the people around you... but you can change the people you are around.

Ask God for wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the peoplewho sit in the front row of your life.

the power of prayer

not to often do i take the time to speak on spirituality directly but today i just want to take the time and say that there is
POWER IN PRAYER

so as you all have seen or not i have been extremely overwhelmed and cranky lately

my heart was heavy and it was becoming hard

not that i wanted it to be that way but that's just what i was feeling

i kept reaching out only to receive nothing in return and it was difficult to me to just deal with all my STUFF

you know we all have it

and as soon as we think we have gotten ride of it here it comes again...more STUFF

so sunday i went to church then had brunch with my cousin

both events hadn't been done in a while so spending one on one time with GOD was a necessary and so was hashing out issues with my couso

anyways after that i went to the book store a new BIBLE i wanted and i wanted a book to help me

so i got the book "the power of the praying woman"

i went home and got to reading

and have since starting reading a chapter a night

NO things aren't perfect actually they are pretty much the same

MY ATTITUDE is totally different

that's what the difference is

when i pray and i focus on what GOD really is doing in my life instead of constantly complaining and focusing on the negatives i am genuinely a MUCH happier person...

Extremely happy dispite the fact that my check engine light came on in my truck i had to get a rental car the repairs are over $500 and my dad is sick...oh and i am catching a cold

I am honestly happy i have no real reason NOT to be

things could always be so much worse than what they are and the things we deal with in life we either deal with them or we don't we let them overwhelm us or we keep pushing forward...and how we push forward is up to us...

"Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out!" John Wooten


so this isn't to say that i won't have moments times or issues every again but now more than ever i realize that i miss the woman i had become and i know that the source of that woman his GOD and my route to him is constant prayer...

with prayer brings peace

is

having one of those days that's turned into one of those weeks that has turned into one of those months for months on end....

now the check engine light is on and i must leave the truck overnight so what do i do for a car for the next couple of days....

solo dolo once again and it sucks majorly
thought i was done with that part of my life, oh well back to 0 and i do mean 0 i am tired so i am done for a while

but when you're 29 never been married and have no kids

yea

i can't do it all i can't be it all and i am tired

you...

ever feel like you are just fighting.
everyday you get up and you are figthing something
a job
a spouse
LIfE

that's how i am feeling but i am fighting for ME
remember how hard i had to fight for peace for joy for me around this time last year. well i am back at it again...

with all that has happened to me i have found myself yet again fighting for me fighting for peace

yet again the day to day ends and outs overwhelmed me and instead of focusing on my core i became bitter angry confused snappy

and that's ok sometimes
but daily i was fighting just to get through the day

i went to chruch yesterday it was the first time in a month of sundays
its been a mighty long time
and the main thing was
"don't be a public success and a private failure"
that's how i feel i am doing ok in school not the best but not the worse but i know i'll make it
but privately i am struggling ever single day to remain sane...

so many relationships have been damaged or hurt by all that i have had to do these past few months they are slowly healing and eventually with prayer and work be fine
but some will never be the same some will never fully realize

my main prayer is that i will progress and be better than i was before all of this...

my aunt told me last night its no wonder that i am all over the place i have dealt with major life changes that most people deal with once a year maybe but i have dealt with all at one time back to back to back...
my parents leaving
moving
a new job
with weddings baby showers and everything in between

i feel like i am losing my mind i am just struggling

i bought this book the power of a praying woman i can relate to everything the book is saying so its definitely helpful...

one of my girls told me at the beginning of my 10 weeks i would learn alot abot myself and the relationships in my life and dag on it if she wasn't right

i have learned a lot and will continue to learn a lot about me at least i know what was missing my core and i will be ok in time i'll be ok

just hard

i don't know if i am cut out for this
i don't know if i can keep pressing forward
i keep feeling like ii am losing everyone around me that's close to me
not physically
but emotionally
the connections are not there anymore
i know that nothing in life that's worth having is easy but does it have to be this hard
its so just deafening...
i just want to be happy and full
every step i tend to take forward i seem to be taking back like 10
as soon as i feel like things are going to go well the next thing i know i get smacked in the face
do well on my oral imprutu get slammed the next day via the Socratic method in legal class
i have already been crying this morning on and off for the last hour or so...Ive cried so much and been so up and down over the past what 5 months its not even funny
all these changes all these life adjustments its sometimes too overwhelming for words
i just need to pray and pray and pray
man its times like these that i miss my parents the most and i wish that they were here with me
its a beautiful day outside and all i want to do is sit in my room in the dark
i guess its just one of those times in my life but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right
i sure hope so

I am going away

my time will be very limited so i probably will not be able to blog or catch up with you all on blogs

you gotta make sacrifices in this life right especially if you want to grow and be a better person...

again talk about a year for growth everything continues to change and move and evolve i have been stretched and learning about myself more and more and more and even knowing what people "think that they know" and getting them to know that they don't know anything at all and neither do i...

ha

its all a process...

but i know i will come out on top i am so focused NOW FINALLY

its all falling into place and i had a revelation the other day...i am so blessed

i have a new job and a new HOME a house and i have a new LOVE

what a difference a year can make...

don't get me wrong my life is not perfect but its good and its going to keep getting better because its all a matter of letting go and letting GOD

yea most of us say it and we have faith but we are always holding on to that little bit of control we have in our lives or that little bit of control we want in our lives! but i realize i have no control over the bigger picture and that i have to have faith that things will work out has they are supposed to as long as i do my part and work to be the best person that i can be it will all work out...

so again i'll try my best to check in on ya'll but until then

be blessed my people!

peace

checking my fresh

or not so fresh attitude

man as you get older you have to take the rose colored glasses off people including yourself...
and man oh man have i come a long way but man oh man do i have a ways to go!

CLEARLY when anyone is stressed they can tend to be a little mean...well i was a LOT mean...and he was my punching bag, like any little thing he did i was ALL over it...bless his little heart for staying in there with me...

reality is i am not perfect and admittedly he thought i was up until that point...i know you guys are like what he thought she was perfect...but that's what he thought...

we got through it but man did i learn a lot about myself in the process like you really do not have to be mean to someone and when you need a break take a break like its not necessary to inflict pain others just because my life has been crazy...reality is i just wanted him around to make it all better but at the same time...yea i don't know

but i understand that you don't do that to those you care about...now don't get me wrong we all KNOW that in theory but i needed to learn how to love again...

that's it i am learning how to love not again, but to love in general...i have been through so much stuff and the walls are so high that i was just being mean to him...it was short lived but short is still to much...

we all have those moments they always say you hurt those closests to you but why...i dont' know maybe we think that they can take it, or maybe subconsciously we are testing them, whatever the reason is i know now not to treat him or anyone else like that...most of all i have learned not to treat ME like that!

i am going to learn to say NO that's right i have realized that me trying to be everything to everybody left NOTHING for me and when you leave nothing for yourself and you are just empty and drained you get mad and you get bitter...

so lesson learned

1 don't let it get like that! as much as i can i will make time for me even when life gets really hectic and will make sure that my heart, soul and spirit are taken care of

2 do NOT treat those you love care about care for, whatever, any which a way...they have feelings too...

3 i am not perfect and i can't do it all! so do what is in reason and keep it moving

i never want to let people down and in the end i let myself down because i have done to much...

yea i am all over the place

can you all relate? maybe you can maybe you can't...

learning to love (not again but like for the very first time) wow...another post another day

life...

has been a pure world wind adventure for me some of it good some of it not so good

its been what almost two months since i have blogged...i even started to write two blogs one around moving the other around being gone for a little over a month but neither time did i have the time to finish what was going on...

so 2009 has been a such a journey

let's recap

Feb got a promotion
April turned down the first job offer
May officially started dating again
June wedding #1, my parents LEFT for good and moved to Alabama of all places to retire, then FL for work, turned down the second job offer
July i moved into the house where the dag on contractors were NOT done with it my life was full of running to Lowe's and staying up late while they tried to finish for the rest of the month
almost even had to call the police at the end it was a HUGE drama because they were trying to over charge us and i wasn't having it...long story short the guy didn't know how to deal with females and so any time i said something it was like this HUGE issue and i had an "attitude" which of course caused problems with my brother because he thought i was just being nasty in the end though he finally realized dude wasn't about his work and was a jerk
lesson learned
August my birthday, visited my parents in AL, wedding #2, FINALLY decided i needed to take heed of the opportunity and go for it and start to build my future and on today the last day of the month i resigned from my job so that i can start a new one

and in between all of that i am in a relationship and the happiest i have EVER been in my life with a guy, EVER! like you know you're happy when people say it to you and say "man you sure look happy" or "i can hear it in your voice you are so happy" yea i am happy!

don't' get me wrong this dude got his ways and i got mines neither one of us is perfect but he gets me and he respects my drive and isn't intimidated by me at all...but neither am I. and i think that's the thing that makes it even more special its so real...like we aren't hiding behind the "representative" you know how most of the times when you start out with someone you get their "representative" and then about 3-6 months later its a whole nother person and you're like "ok and WHO are you because this isn't what i signed up for"

at the same time the little things about myself that i know i need to work on i want to work on because i just want to be a better person...

part of me wants to tell you guys all about him but the other part wants to just keep him close to me and near and dear to my heart so for now i'll just let he and I build, i'll say this we're friends first and that's an AWESOME feeling when you can just be around the person and just be you and be around them all day everyday and just hang that's a GREAT feeling. BUT you still date and are sweet...wow...ok enough about that



the next few months are definitely going to be more of the same if not even more intense

i have to attend training for pretty much the rest of the year and i still have to get BACK to Alabama for my madea's surprise 85th birthday, try to get to puerto rico for my cousin's 25th birthday and do the holidays...oh yea and during training you gets NO time off...maybe the weekends but not a guaranteed...but its a GREAT career move for me...

although these changes have been hard to say the least (i was so stressed the past month and a half i didn't know if i was coming or going) they have been good

the changes have stretched me and made me look inside of myself whether i wanted to or not for strength and the courage to let go and grow

in the long run i have grown so much and i have learned so much about life and myself its just like wow! and more is yet to come and i am looking forward to each and every part of the learning process...

so i am back even if for just a little while!

i rocked no bells

so yesterday i was supposed to go and see the rock the bells tour with Jac and a couple other folks...but i didn't make it...

all of a sudden on sunday morning i felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness i felt lonely (i know i am never alone because GOD is always with me) and just like i was out there all by myself...

see it hit me i am moving in my house this week and i am doing it all alone...my parents aren't here to see the house finished they aren't here to help me pack up and move and they aren't here to say well done...

i am making all these "grown up" decisions and i am doing it all by myself! CLEARLY you have to grow up some day but it would be nice to grow up with my parents 20 mins away and NOT 14 HOURS away...

so sunday morning i got out of bed and got on the couch and there i laid ALL DAY crying on and off at one point i balled so hard that i actually said "i want my mommy" and i did i meant it...

i didn't call her because hearing me upset would only make her upset...nor did i tell anyone that i was really upset except the three closest folks to me...my bestest tried her best to make me feel better once she really got that i was upset she even came by bless her heart

he didn't know how upset i was because i didn't tell him...he kept asking me was i ok because its not like to me to just lay all day and do NOTHING i mean i was in a daze i finally spoke up last night but for me its hard beacuse i have never really had folks i could lean on 100% don't get me wrong people have been there for me but i feel like i am always the one that takes care of folks but he made it clear that he's here for me too...

im just used to taking care of me and dealing with it and just trying to be everything to everyone else, that can be draining and you gotta take time for you...and let yourself deal with your issues!

so we shall see...i guess i had my breaking point we all have them from time to time and mines came yesterday i cried and cried and now today i am feeling a little bit more like myself i am not looking forward to the move this week through the weekend but hey you gotta put your BIG GURL pants on at some point...

my mom says she think i am doing a good job but you know you always wonder and in the end you just want to be happy and have everyone happy around you...

but the reality is

"you can't be everything to everybody but to those that get you-you'll be a jewel"

so to those that "get me" i mean really GET ME

THANK YOU!

radomneSS like who knows the #

yea i am CLASSIC and i am truly okay with that...
I can be the sweetest person, giving, loyal all that...but man i have learned one thing for sure is to NOT let folks walk all over you and no that doesn't mean cursing folks out...that means letting folks know that certain things aren't acceptable because they aren't...period the end its not acceptable and i am not going to act like its okay because its not...

so yes when i get an attitude i got an attitude...and

i have an attitude at times because i don't like feeling like i am the LAST to know something...when i feel like i am being left in the dark that's a problem...don't "spare" my feelings i am a BIG girl and i can truly handle whatever it is that you have going on or whatever it is that you have to say....that's the issue...

you don't communicate therefore i have an attitude, if you communicated more and more effectively i wouldn't have an attitude, so the VERY thing you are trying to avoid by "sparing" my feelings is the VERY thing you get: MY ATTITUDE...why you can't see that i don't know...

communication and trust the two key fundamentals to any relationship...you don't have that you don't have anything...

a lot of times we don't know how to communicate with others but if you want it to work you gotta learn to communicate that's for sure

i definitely want to be at peace i have worked to hard to be at peace with myself to be at peace in my life...so if i can't have peace because my mind is running or i can sense that something is off...i am off and i can't stand that feeling...i can't stand it at all...

moving on

yea literally moving on, moving from my apartment of 3 years and some change to move back into the house that i grew up in...truly its going to be a blessing because its a HOUSE and i'll be a home owner, but i will go from living alone to living with my older brother that sometimes acts more like a younger brother...yea that's going to be interesting...to say the least...AND again i have to MOVE that sucks i have SO much crap to pack and i know there is much more than on the surface I need to start packing like NOW but i won't because i don't feel like it and i need to be out of my apartment by the 19th, let's just hope that the people are done with the upstairs at LEAST by then so i don't have to worry about my stuff you know...

he and i already bumping heads over the renovations, i ask for something or say something i keep getting these off side comments, my thing is if you paying for the work to get done do it right the first time and let that be that...ya know..but two strong personalities its bound to be an issue

you know i had to tell my mother the other day that she was becoming "part time" i don't talk to her as much as i did when she was here, she is always busy or going somewhere or doing something for this person or that person and i am like uggggggggggg but i need to talk to you like seriously...

on to the general life observations

why the dude yesterday didn't have on no shirt but that bama had on a fleece northface....huh? where they do that at?

what is it about this statement: "oh my you have lost so much weight, you look really good" that makes me want to hurl...maybe because you suddenly feel like this: "well good gracious was i THAT big did i look like a whale or something, geesh"

you know that the person doesn't mean any harm at all they really think that they are complementing you, but you feel like CRAP after they make that statement!
why do folks keep commenting about Michelle Obama's fashion...CLEARLY she got $, didn't they make like some crazy millions last couple years off the books deals and didn't she work...i mean come on...she wears gap and j.crew but if she spends a little bit of change on a bag or some shoes its a problem....get over yourselves like seriously! She is the first lady i have NEVER seen or heard a first ladies fashions in terms of how much things cost be picked apart before until now...of course i know why...

keep doing you First lady! You are an inspiration to all of us

why is there never anything on tv in the summer

i hope that some network picks up the game...why can't we ever get closer to the shoes that are about us...dang...

how did i miss that Mos Def dropped another CD last month...wow...I am late...

i have another wedding to attend tomorrow...its cool though because Mrs. Hemsley's bridesmaid dress is my dress of choice...she did a really good job at making sure we had dresses we could wear again...

i am trying to get my spirit right so i think i will be covering myself with gospel this morning...i need it...i gotta remain focused on staying centered...its amazing how little things can just throw you all off and you all KNOW how much and how hard i want and need peace...

I will end on a positive note: this time last year my feet were being ripped from under me with some shocking and startling truths about folks and happenings around me...but surely as i sit here right now, i know that no matter what you go through there is a GOD and if you focus on him and his love and how if you really are FAITHFUL and know that it will all work out in the end even BETTER than you expected it will- it WILL!

one love all

One phrase

JUNE CAN KICK ROCKS!

If July 1st don't hurry the hell up and come on...i am sick of the month of June!

New hottness

This is what i am talkin about NEW FRESH music and FRESH visions for videos...

Amerie-Why R U
go and watch it and come back...i'll wait...

now wasn't that HOT the fashion the vision the vibe the whole thing was so how can i say this ANTI-B...loved it!

and as much as i hate to admit it Cassie....MUST Be love...



man oh man this thing rocks!

i know

that i owe you guys a MAJOR update...maybe i don't who knows...but i need to update...

but i am tired just got off a 5 day working 12-14 hours a day at our national convention to only lose my keys and be locked out my apartment...ugg life!

oh well i did have my house to go to and i had someone by my side to keep me calm and let me cry in his arms when i finally felt like the world was coming from under my feet because my parents were gone...tired and hungry and frustrated but not alone...

in and short life is crazy but i am totally HAPPY...

i'll fully update soon but now right now i have a sinus infection that has the whole left side of my face ROCKING...

almost ova

That's how i feel about the month of June
like will this joint JUST BE OVA...
i am tired and i am ready for Saturday to just come and go...I have entirely too much stuff going on...i definitely want this to just be done...

i haven't had any real break downs in reference to my parents leaving...i did get a little emotional when i went to this house this past weekend but it was like a bittersweet-because i went over there to drop off the new chandaler i purchased for the dinning room and the paint choices for the house...

yes i am moving into the house i grew up in...i will be a home owner before i am 30! which is great but it definitely will take some getting used to that's for sure...

i also will have a roommate for the first time in what 3 and a half years...my older brother who will live in the basement...yea talk about your fixer uper...LOL...he still sees me as what 16 and i still see him as what 16 HA! but hopefully we'll just respect each other as adults and get along...

the new he met my parents before they left...my dad is my dad will always be...so his response doesn't really count because he didn't get any "bad vibes" he just is a dad...no one will ever be good enough...but my mom liked him got no bad vibes and that was awesome! my brother met him on saturday and he sent me to the store for some tire shine so they could talk...its funny my brother thinks he is nice a cool down to earth dude and likes him for me...they talked about the drama from last year and my brother told him "you know my sister is ready to get married"
(side note: i don't talk to my brother about love and life unless its about him and his stuff, very rarely do we talk about me...so to hear that he said that was truly CLASSIC to me...because i feel like if it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't...) anyways his response was "yes i know"
who knows...what will happen...but he does in fact make me happy and that's an awesome feeling...

i am glad i got the whole meeting of the families out of the way (i have met his family including his daugther as well) and its good to know what everyone likes us and likes seeing us happy!

its nice to have car doors and regular doors and someone who asks "TC you need me to wash your truck and clean out the inside" and ACTUALLY DO IT! Little things like that matter most to me

he stated that he wished that we had met earlier in life and i responded nope, i am glad we didn't...because neither one of us would have been in the place we are to fully understand and appreciate what it is that we have...and that's true...you can't appreciate the good without fully understanding just how bad things really and truly could be but then you have someone that makes you happy and who your family and friends like...its like WOW!

don't think i can honestly say my mom and brother ever like "liked" someone and didn't have the side eye...my dad has and will always have the side eye...lol...

so once saturday gets here and i am back from FL and i am home safe and sound i'll be aiight! then its time to go to the next level all the way around and i can't wait!

anyways this song right here be cranking...shots out to my DMV!!!!

3 years

that i have been blogging...wondering if its time to stop but then again i often times have a lot to say...so here it goes...

why did i see a homeless man masturbating on the bench while on my way to get breakfast this morning...needless to say i crossed the street on the way back so that i didn't have to expose myself to that...remember the scene from silance of the lambs when the guy did that and threw it on her as she walked out...yea that image went through my head and i CLEARY didn't want to be the "victim" this morning...he just had that look in his eyes...

i am seeing more and more homeless people these days too...DC has a large homeless population you would think that sense its the nation's captial it wouldn't but it does...

the city i think that it shocked me the most though was LA...to see downtown LA and all those tents (they call them tent cities) and drug needles and just folks for miles and miles was a total shocker...when me and my mom went to see the soloist i was like "its so real mommy" she couldn't even believe it...its not what i was expecting especially in a city where its like all glits and glamer all the time, hell you can't even just walk into a club in LA you gotta be "picked" so with all that money folks is still stuggling like that...sad...

i was in a really mean mood this week...really mean...i don't think i have been that mean in a minute...my mother told me that i have an attitude like my dad, always have...and over the years i have worked really hard to NOT be this mean overly dramatic person (yes i am still dramatic but like in a loud over the top funny type of way...LOL) so even though i had a right to be upset because this person kept something from me...today i decided to put that attitude in check and start to walk myself back to my peace of mind and of self being...that's what i think is most important is that you are happy with yourself...

i am so happy i took the time out to just date and do me...i have such created a person that i know and love and i am truly okay with folks liking me and okay if you don't...because i know i am loved no matter what...

my parents are moving next wednesday...still seems surreal that this time next week i won't have the opporutnity to just UP and go to see my parents whenever i want...i am prepared to be a nervous wreck next week and for a while...i am glad i don't have anythign to do that next weekend because i don't think i will function to well...my parents are my EVERYTHING period the end! love them like no other because they love me like no other...they are the BEST friends a girl could ever ask for...real talk...and they are truly the wisest, smartest, coolest, realest, craziest, people you would ever want to meet...
and imma miss them

June is and will continue to be crazy...but such is life...

get yours!

that's what this life is about right?

everybody wants to just get theirs no matter what happens or who we hurt right...



now i don't believe that i believe that you can make things happen and get yours in this life without ripping someone else to shreds...i don't know maybe that's just me...



what is it about this life that makes us just want to dive in and "get ours" no matter what? i think we have just been programed to always go for ours no matter what we are told to go to college get a master's get a job and work hard but no one really tells you about the heemin and haaing you gotta deal with to work hard everyday...



life can definitely be harder than you thought, but isn't it also beautiful...you know the beautiful struggle...

and isn't "getting yours" the total opposite of what you are supposed to do in love...aren't you supposed to be open to allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open to the person allow your heart to be able and open to someone else...

but we have all been taught to get ours...that doesn't really work when it comes to love and it isn't going to help build any type of healthy relationship...but how do you know that the other person doesn't have the whole "get yours" attitude either...

yea i know complicated...especially when you think about young adults in their late 20s early 30s that's when you grinding out of your mind trying to establish yourself set your career path up and all that stuff...and then you start to think about okay maybe i might want to settle down...and so now you gotta take all the independence that you have become accustom to and allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to get someone...just getting to know someone and allowing them to get to know you is allowing yourself to be vulnerable...total opposite of the "get yours" attitude...

i do know that keeping your standards HIGH and not settling is the ONLY option but isn't that still getting yours or is that just you keeping yourself protected....

but don't you have to protect yourself? don't you have to remain guarded...don't you have to protect you at all times....yea i don't have any answers just brain dumping per usual...

wow....

so let me start off by saying this...

my date was the BEST and worse date i have ever had...

BEST because it literally was the best date
if i was going to re-enter the dating world i am glad i re-entered with such a cool and down to earth person we did everything i wanted to do and more...he never complained even when we went to the dance recital that he didn't understand...he opened my doors, held my hand and was just a sweetie you know made me feel like a lady

WORSE because every single wardrobe malfunction a woman could have i HAD IT!
from my hair not acting right to my heel on my shoes to my dress...yep everything just wasn't popping right but why was i okay with it, because he was totally unfazed by it all and still acted and treated me like i was the prettiest girl in the world!!!

i was going to blog all about my date, but you know what, i think i prefer to keep this piece of peace just for me in my heart...

reentering the world of....

...dating
i know i am surprised at myself...

i have a date on saturday...
he asked what i would want to do
i said anythign other than dinner and a movie
that's so pass se AND you don't get to even know the person because you are watching a movie and not talking..
i said a nice walk...there are plenty of places to go and see downtown DC where we could walk around and talk and get to know each other...
i already told dude i want soemone who is creative and wants to get out and explore and see new things and go new places...
i wonder if he is really paying attention to what it is that i said...
i'll let you all know...

i know right me a DATE i haven't been on a REAL date in years
(dude still doesn't count...that was such a blah year and a half of my life)

i don't care if we spend not one dime, that matters not...i can have a salad and water i just want to do something different and exciting...

i am actually being very much so me, just who i am with no pretenses establishing my standards and what i want out of life initially...again it will be interesting if he has been paying attention...all the talking and emailing in the world can't prepare you for that first one on one interaction, but boy oh boy you better go into it with your EYES WIDE OPEN...

i am really pulling for the guy...here's to hoping its a good first date...

mind dumpin on 5/15

my daddy's birthday!
he doesn't ask for much he just wants some crab legs so crab legs it is..

clearly i enjoy my family and love them dearly i mean they are the reason i do what i do...
i signed up to take an essentials of writing course...i can write but i haven't been in the classroom in a minute and if i am serious about going back to school to take my education to another level i need to refresh myself on a lot of things...so i am excited

i have a couple of other things in the pot cooking but until they really transpire i'll just keep them to myself...

i also have decided to start reading a lot of the political books of my college days again and refresh myself on the full political process and inter workings of bureaucracy...again all for stuff that's cooking

okay now to the stuff that's trying to try or test my patience...
dude why did i agree to host this bridal shower, CLEARLY now that its upon us folks are starting to panic...i got this...trust me i got this...but you know you want to do your thing so you know what go ahead and get your stuff together and do your thing but i PROMISE you won't work my nerves in the process...i promise you that...its all love but man oh man...as long as she has a GREAT day that's all that matters to me...

okay got that off my chest

i don't want to be here for my birthday i don't care where i am i am NOT going to be in the DMV time to step out and do something different...

i finally bought that steve harvey book...must say that it is definitely intersting...makes alot of good points, you have to take from it what you want and just build from there...

i need to go to philly or to my cousin hairdresser to get my weave done for this wedding season...they do better weaves than most here...

still not at my first full goal yet, i am right there but so far away...

i hung out with some homies last night for the homies bday...only girl for a min and guess what i have really realized i am the homegirl and totally comfortable with it...they are dudes i want to know until the end...good folks...it was good to be around them...

i am actually going out during the work week...wow enjoying my 20s has finally kicked in and i am diggin it!

have a happy weekend folks...

peace

life...random brain dumpin

right now is just good

i don't have any drama i have no compliants none of that...

in fact yesterday i spent with my mother and it was the first time that funds fully allowed me to go all out for my mom...not that i need a special day because mother's day, father's day, all that should be year round...especially since the good book tells us to "honor thy father and thy mother and all your days shall be long...."

but it was nice to pay for her hair to get done, buy her some pearl earrings, take her to Sequia's for dinner...but the thing that i think mattered most was that i surprised at church and just spent the entire day with her! materialistic stuff is nice, but she is simple (that's where i get that side from) and i knew that going to church with her (the church i was raised in baptized in will one day, Lord say so, get married in) would be the best gift...she was surprised and happy...

she said to me "this is the best mother's day thus far" made my heart melt...because mother's so rarely get to just have a day for themselves where they are just loved on all day...we get it all the time...so i am going to make it a point to try even harder to love on my momma...i do it now just think its time to do it more...it just feels good to make her happy!

after the day and sitting a looking out on the Potomac while eating that afternoon...i went to Allen's Pond in Bowie...

now granted i have been there before but i have never gone to exercise...don't know why, but since i have MY hair out and not working out isn't an option, i figured that it was such a wonderful day, not to hot, not to cold, nice breeze...i wouldn't sweat my hair out...so i went and i loved it!

i just watched people...you all know i like to people watch...

i saw all kinds of wonderful families celebrating, couples out and about doing picnics, a man BBQin for his as he said "honey so she can have a good mother's day" yes i am noisy and listened to him say that to someone else...LOL

but it just made me happy and smile because the news the media the world LIFE would have you to believe that there isn't any love or concern for others out here but there really is...

i also have really determined that i must keep reevaluating my current goals and keep taking small steps to get to the point where i feel like ican be...i definitely want to set my sights on where i want to be when i am 30 now mind you...i don't think "goals" is the right word but i just want to say okay where at this point in this time and space do i really want to be in my life and let it fall where it falls
but like Frederick Douglas stated "if you fail to plan, play to fail" so right now with about a year and a half until that date i need to map something out...

i am ready though for whatever lovely things that come my way...all positive vibes all that GREAT stuff

fashion means THIS much to me...

i really LOVE fashion and hair

i think of it as an art...

what prompted me to even think about it today is an email conversation me and jac were having around this picture of Rhianna
the question was asked would i wear this?
i actually thought about it and said: YES

and here is why...she is young, she is an artist, and she honestly believes based on what we see that fashion is a form of art...which i totally agree with her...like they said in the Devil Wear's Prada "not only is it art but its art that you wear EVERYDAY"

yes clothes (including shoes and accessories) are the one thing other than hair that you can wear that can truly show how you are feeling...

is it just me or when you have that FRESH hair you just feel cutier and then you put on that really FLY dress or hook some jeans up with some bangin shoes and accessories...

fashion allows us all to just be who we really are, funky, chic, edgy, rocker, hip hop...whatever you are feeling like, whatever your mood...fashion takes it to another level...

NOW at my age, my size, in what i do for a living and what i do in the community in MY personal life, NO I wouldn't wear that...it wouldn't be as we would say "appropriate"

have i seen some sistah's my age and my size with something like this or similar on heck YES...but you gotta know your place and space in life and realize that not everything is made for everybody...and not everybody HAS to want to rock something this daring either...

honestly as daring i would like to be i am about 8 years to late and my body shape doesn't call for things like this...that's why my person of style that I love and would follow and actually feel like i would ROCK anything she wears is she:NOW this is the person that really is someone that epitomizes what MY personal style is...funky, but age appropriate...FRESH, but age appropriate, EDGY, Nuvo, hipster, and even hobo chic at times, but totally appropriate...

so I have some pieces but i am totally working on getting my game up like this...my shoe game is tight, i just need to wear them...and add a few more staple pairs (yea i know some folks will say i don't need to....but I really do! LOL)
my dress game i am working on...
my jean game is sick, i just need to get back in em..
my accessories game is getting up there...BIG rings and all...
hair heck i can just add some and be fine...LOL...

so imma totally work on getting to that point...

but seriously, that right there folks is ME...and i LOVE IT!

randomness

people aren't as bad as we try to make them out to be...
we just have to make sure that we are being kind more ourselves...
i have been told i don't smile, but then i have been asked on more than one occasion if i was from the DMV area because "most DMV girl got an attitude problem...you naturally come off cool"

that's a nice sentiment...i want to start smiling more...that makes me feel better smiling...

i like watching people...
its funny how many times a day i catch a man watching a woman's backside...
CLEARLY the saying that "men are visual" is very true...

sometimes the people you think are the closest and nearest to you, really aren't...it can be that random person that you are "cool with" that can make a difference

when people say different people/friends serve different purposes in your life...SO TRUE!
not everyone you can "hang" with and not everyone you can tell your deep dark secrets either..

life and love NEVER happen the way that you personally expect it to so you should just have faith and watch whatever happens happens...

my ex's seem to be moving on...dude i dated senior year is getting married, my college sweetie is expecting his first child...

admittedly i had a brief moment this morning where i let a minor thought run through my mind about it and almost wanted to be like what's wrong with me...but that lasted all of a half a second...i quickly reminded myself that GOD is still working on me and that the man for me will come when he see's fit...

PLUS imma just be honest i really don't need to be in a relationship right now...i don't have time, i don't have time for anyone other than me and family and friends...i have determined that i have a lot to do for myself so i am focusing on that...

you never realize how BIG or small you got until someone comments about how good you look NOW...its a good feeling though...

loving yourself is the key to finding the love for you...you can't love someone until you fully love you...

men will look at you and not say anything...i guess i need to work on that smiling thing and then maybe they'll say something...

i so don't know how to "make eye contact" or flirt...but i don't think i am supposed to though...LOL

anyways that's it for now...

Take off the Blues/Valediction

of the Foreign Exchange project these two songs are my absolute FAVS!

take a look...definitely a summer jam and then well this melancholy of real life situations ya dig...



what you think...good vibes, good rhythm, real right?

good times

don't you just love it when you can just go and have a GREAT weekend...
man oh man did I have a GREAT weekend...

started with me getting of a 1/2 day on friday and having monday OFF...yep that alone will give you cause to be like bump it imma have me some fun...THEN you add on top of that GREAT weather...now mind you i don't like heat can't stand heat but not even the heat could get me in a funky mood it was just going to be a good weekend...

i was (and still am) feeling like myself so why not go ahead and make some things happen some good old fashion clean fun!

Friday -INDIE SOUL
got off went to the crib did some errands and things...got myself together and headed up to bmore to hang out with Lady P...we went to see the gentlemen that you see listed to your left under "what's rocking" the show was AMAZING...it was unique in that all of the artist...Angela Johnson, Anthony David and Eric Roberson rotated their performances...each would do a 2-3 songs and then bring out the other artist and sometimes they would sing songs that they had collaborated on...it was a PARTY! I was glad that the both of us decided to go dressed "down" and very "hip hop" because we had to stand the entire time...but like i said it was worth it...truly had a blast...the only issue i had was that friggin kitchens close in bmore at 10:30 SHARP! So since the show started on time at 8pm, and we were out by 10:45 we just KNEW we were going to get to eat and eat good...NEGATIVE...but the upper deck carry out was good enough except for the bmore bama hanging out front...but again cool night

Saturday-the KIDS and the Homies
so saturday i get mad early son...lol
and go to a church to do a workshop for teenagers 13 & up and the little ones 6-12...
well i was the first session and it was for the teens...put it to you like this ONLY 3 students showed up for the last 10 mins of the sesssion it was cool i made the best of it and rolled out...i had to be back at 1 for the little ones, got back the early session running over so by the time i get them i have 30 mins...these kids were HUNGRY and tired so me trying to keep their attention was pointless..i tried but it didn't end well...LOL lesson: give me the teenagers!

i did some mroe running around before i cleaned the house and then got rerady to have dinner with my homeboy CL...me and him go WAY back to high school and i hadn't seen him in a few years so it was nice to just go out have a meal and that be it and that be all...we laughed and joked and just had a plain old GREAT time...left there went to VA to hang out with my NC folk...good times, cards, talking smack and we eventually ended up on U Street at the new spot Next Door...i didn't get home to 4:30am...and it was all just good fun...no pressure no drama no nothing just fun!

Sunday-showers and cooking out
so my ls' bridal shower was sunday...that was so much fun...its always good to see someone who is truly happy and ready to take that step in her (or his) life to be fully committed...it was off to the parents and to the store...then i got a surprise call from sweet nee talking about a cookout...so i went over there...hung out ate some crabs and once again talked smack...ended off the night with going back to U street to see kc sing...saw some old faces and hung

Monday-lunchtime soloist
since it was my day OFF i slept in and worked out...i did have to do a call for work but that ended early...so i chilled until my momma came over for lunch and to go see the soloist...good times...she was even rocking to Anthony David talking about "i can listen to this" i just couldn't help but laugh becuase she NEVER likes my music unless i am bumpin the ole school stuff...well i wouldn't say NEVER but there have been enough times where she is like "what is this mess" she was even gangsta leaning in my truck...didn't even move the seat back up...CLASSIC...i love her!
the movie was HEAVY i mean HEAVY...very indie...i haven't read the book but the movie just i don't know how to put it into words...it ended realisitcally and having someone in my family with mental health issues it did help me to understand a little better...


overall the weekend was basically one of the BEST weekends i have had in a LONG time...i was around GREAT people, intelligent, kind, funny, honest, wonderfully good people all weekend...and that's what life is about surrounding yourself with the BEST that there is, only person missin was lil PC my cuzzo...this is what life is all about learning loving growing into the best you...this weekend i saw a glisp of my best me and i LOVED it!

repost of sorts

being humble doesn't mean you think less of yourself it just means you think of yourself less...humility will allow you to be open to change for the BETTER which leads to GREATNESS!

pretty much i was feeling really down yesterday
i tend to let what others feel and think dictate how i feel and carry things WAY to much
i try not to, but when someone close to you isn't "hearing" you and what you are trying to convey and kinda just ignores what you are saying as if your feelings aren't valid its hard...

i have truly gotten better but i also know that there is always room to grow...because people's actions are just that THEIR actions and i can't let it dictate MY actions or reactions...i can't allow it to take me out of where i have come so far to, and that's someone who wants to think before she speaks...who is quick to listen and slow to speak...still working on it, but working none the less....

that's why i am trying my best to be OPEN to what others in fact have to say about me..

i had a very humbling conversation with my cousin last night, who although younger, i can't consider to be my "little" cousin not with her being 24...i have always been the protector so its hard NOT to protect...it wasn't has hard as i think that she thought it would be for me to listen to other things that she had been wanting to tell me...including that she thinks i am stepping out and allowing myself to be open to new possibilities but that i have a "mean face" people will "never approach (me) because i have such a face that says i am mean and not how cool and chill and fun and lovable i am..."

honestly not the first time i have heard that...but hey you know i guess that's just my "guard" as she called it...

i think that she was a little "shocked" that i was so receptive but honestly i do take heed to what people have to say and i listen and take the positive from it to grow to be the better me...i am NOT perfect or got it going on so much that i can't listen to someone who i know loves me feels about certain things that i do that may hurt her feelings or things that she feels like may hurt me, i inturn was also able to explain some things to her to help her gain some knowledge herself and some things that may or may not hurt my feelings....it was good...

i ended the conversation with "i understand we both have very strong opinions and sometimes those opionions can come off as judgemental even if that's not the intent so we just need to be mindful of that" she agreed and that was that...

neither one of us ever mean to be mean to each other or hurt each other but the truth is that sometimes the things we say and do can in fact hurt another person...so you gotta be mindful and know the difference between intent and impact

i know one thing is for sure i definitely do NOT and will NOT be one of those people who you can't tell how you really feel too...i will always try my best to be fully open to what others have to say and humble myself to their views so that i can GROW...especially those I KNOW have my best interest at heart and see me fully for who i am and not just glimpses here and there...

enough with that...
in general i am definitely feeling more like my peaceful self today...

my first propoal/application.mini grant was awarded! whoooohooo...
about to submit my first membership report, its an update of sorts...but still excited about it...hopefully that will be done and out the door by 5:30

then its off to work out...no matter what working out always makes me feel better...it truly does help me release all the tension from the day...

i am still not perfect, nor do i ever think i will be, but i am truly perfect in my imperfections and open to all the positive vibes that true loving GROWTH has to offer...

i ain't no supa star...but HE still LOVES ME

today...

i am feeling uninspired
unmotivated
and i feel like i can't shake it
i am feeling tried
and repressed
like my spirit is some way in a depressed state of being that will not allow my soul to stop screaming
of injustice and lack of joy
for the peace in my soul that i live for
eludes me on this day
maybe its the rain
or is it the drain of the everyday mundane tasks of this life
i try to stretch and calm my being
but the reality that makes up today doesn't allow me to change the circumstances for which i am in
the normal flow of music through my veins can't even help me now
silence and a dark room are what i seek to find
so that solace can take over me as i shed my tears and find my way back to
ME

i wanna fly a kite

yep i want to go to a park on a nice sunny not to cold not to hot day and just fly a kite, swing on some swings...and walk around some water...

maybe take some fruit and sit and watch people (ya'll know i love to people watch) doesn't that sound like a good time...

well it does to me...

i guess i am focusing on the nice spring weather that's supposed to be coming our way...
i know that April showers bring May flowers but does it have to be so cold still...i mean mid-60s would be perfect right about now...

i love spring and fall...best time of the year to me the colors are GREAT
spring pastels
fall well fall colors...the crisp oranges and greens...

the air always seems fresher and clean...

i just really enjoy those times of year...so i want to get out and enjoy them!

let me vent

so i just got called a bitch...

yep a b-i-t-c-h...

its not like i haven't been called a bitch before because i have for various reasons i wouldn't talk to someone, or i didn't like what someone said to me so i spoke my mind...someone just last week called playing on my house phone from a private number and called me a bitch...whatever...

but never in my life has someone called me a bitch because i had an opinion on something

so there was this "question of the day" thing on facebook by this dude i was pretty aiight with in high school...he is always asking random questions about love, sex, relationships...that type of thing...

so his question today was: why are women so emotional and why do men change after they get the sex...

so i was reading the responses and one person said women are made that way and men once they get what they want move on...so i asked the question of:
why/what makes men not o wait at LEAST 90 days (that's been the common thread topic lately right) to have sex with a woman?
or something to that affect...
and i asked you know some supporting questions to go along with it but you get the gest...

so when he responds to me he says: TC...((bitch))....
and gives his response...

dude i can't even tell you what the rest of it said basically something along the lines that i was trippin men won't wait that long whatever...

initially i was like he couldn't possibly be calling me that because i have an opinion but i realized DUDE just called me a bitch...
why because i aint no jumpoff
why because i have standards and believe that you can't just be throwing it all around...
why because i love me and respect me....

dude no BOY BYE...

so i went through the whole am i gonna call this dude out, send him a message what...but nope...i deleted my response and went to my "friends" list and deleted that bama!

period the end!

i am not even going to entertain or associate myself with someone who has no respect...period!

people just really kill me these days with the lack of respect that they have...its like i can't even have an opinion imma bitch now...

so i am just like dude i am done!

DELETE

March for the future

so on Saturday, April 18 I will be walking for the march of dimes...

in the past 5 years or so there have been about 8 babies born prematurely to people in either my immediate circle or outer...3 have been lost...

its a heavy heavy subject i know but as a means to say okay enough is enough i am walking to make a difference...

there is a definitely health problem at hand that needs to be dealt with and addressed...so i am going to do my part and work towards addressing it...

so this Saturday I walk...i walk for those who have come and have made it, those who haven't and those who are yet to come...

if you want more information or would like to make a difference you can go here:

www.marchforbabies.org/mftf

Drive

i am finally back to being in my stride...my drive

i had a good mellow weekend, not because anything spectacular happened per se, but i definitely have more energy than i have the past 3-4 weeks...
i know that me having nothing to do was extremely helpful and i was able to rest up a bit...

i was got off of work on friday afternoon, run around, clean the house and work out...
saturday chilled got up worked out, did some bridesmaid stuff ran some errands...chilled
Sunday went walking before service went to service and hung out with the family and then worked out again...

so if there is one common thread in all of this, its the working out piece...i really find peace, solace and positive energy from working out...it centers me and makes me really feel like i am doing something for myself...

the older i get the more i find that making TRUE time for yourself becomes harder and harder, even when you don't have a family of your own or significant other its hard to just really say okay this is time for me and that's it...there is always something to do or somewhere to be so working out is that one time of the day that i can say okay i am doing this for me to have a healthier life...

i have also cut out all meat and reduced my carbs considerably and only drinking herbal tea in the morning and the rest its just water this past week...man oh man what energy has come from that...i am sleeping better not as tired when getting up...so its a great difference
my line sister asked what prompted this change...

i just simply stated i wanted to LOVE what i see when i look in the mirror and be fully happy with ME...

not to mention it does get frustrating the things that people say when they calls someone FAT that's the same size as you, but because you are their "friend" you aren't fat too...puh leeze...people have a funny way of showing their support and love but that's another post for another day...not the driving force for my drive so moving on

so i got the emotional thing in check that's growing, the spiritual thing in check that's growing but i was definitely lacking in the physical health department...so working on that is a challenge but i enjoy it

i am finally feeling like i am getting my focus back, which is right on time because i definitely was losing my focus and drive...i was just like a walking out of it mess from day to day...i mean emotionally i am straight but physically and mentally i was still OFF...i was fighting my way back up but i was off...

so now i feel like okay time to make some thing happen...line somethings up stay focused at work and get this new program off the ground time to make some things happen...

i didn't go out and meet any new people last week or this weekend, but that's probably because i am not fully ready just yet...also last week was a hard week so i didn't go to the mentor meeting i did my first application as the lead so that was fun it was short and sweet but i am still nervous as i await the yea or nea...

so pretty much i feel like i am getting my stride back you know like i had it at the first of the year...i can definitely say that me taking time everyday for myself is paying off in more ways than one and that makes me happy

still got a lot of things in the fire but they just a slow simmer not at a boil just yet...
although i have made a decision about my career and what i want to do with myself i still have some time before it all falls into place so in between all of that its working and networking and all that great stuff...

i read this article this morning and here are 3 things if you aren't sure what to do next...

1. take bold action even going the wrong way is taking some kind of action
2. Believe in yourself! (you gotta believe in YOU even when no one else does)
3. Accept the risk (which is inherent in trying something new) the worst that can happen probably isn't that bad, when you think it through. its easy to let your fears become excuses for inaction....

so let's take ACTION

so the TC drive is coming back folks...

l-o-v-e

i want it...EVENTUALLY...not now...and TRUST as you keep reading you'll see why it will take a while

riding in the truck this weekend i put on Jill Scott's first album...and all i could do is smile from ear to ear just thinking about the possibility of LOVE and all that it has to offer...maybe its because its been almost a year since it all went down and ended, but its been a year since i saw it all coming and started to pull back and take off my rose colored glasses...i have really taken the last 9 months to really just focus on ME MYSELF and I...

don't get me wrong i am in NO WAY SHAPE or FORM ready for LOVE...dating and spreading my wings a little bit...but love...why because trust i am not even finished growing to love me

"it’s important to take time for yourself and discover who you are as an individual before including someone else in your life. Make sure you have your own life before you’re someone else’s wife,”

i am definitely still working and building on that area in my life...i definitely do have my own life, i feel no real loneliness at all...and i enjoy life and myself...i am working on trying to better myself taking time for myself and just really doing what i have to do to make me happy and whole with just me...like i have said i know who i am flaws and all and okay with it...so i can truly appreciate that quote above i have and will continue to take time for ME-TC

BUT

truth is eventually being in love and being someone's wife would be nice...thankfully i am not PRESSED though...like i know it'll happen when its supposed to

CLEARLY when i grow in love again...i definitely want this time it to be RIGHT...
i am definitely NOT just anybodies girlfriend...i don't do casual flings or whatever...

so if i decide to be in a committed relationship with someone i will definitely be doing so with someone whom i have developed a CLOSE bond with as a FRIEND FIRST...

i want to feel like this, no settling...if i can't sing these songs at the top of my lungs i can't do it!

he Loves me (lyzel in e flat). - Jill Scott

or maybe i'll feel like this:

The Truth - India.Arie

and i want him to feel like this, same thing no matter what, good bad rain or shine...i want him to feel like this about me:

sobeautiful - Musiq Soulchild

OR he can feel like this:

143 - Musiq

no matter what at the end of the day, after its all said and done...we should be able to be in love a deep respectful, communicative, friendship, spiritual, emotionally connected, friendship, respectful, faithful, loyal, honest...kind of love!

but all of that takes time...

in Steve Harvey's new book, he mentions that 90 day rule, now in his mind the 90 day rule is just to have sex...but in my mind the 90 day is about just seeing if you can even BE FRIENDS with this person, get a long with them and want to DATE exclusively (dating does not in my mind include sex) here is my rationale...

if you go on any new job right, you get a LEAST a 90 day probationary period...at the end of that 3 month time you and your job can say okay this is a good fit let's move forward or can say at the present time this isn't going to work out

NOW if that's the case on a friggin job, wouldn't that be the case with getting to know someone...as much stuff as we all carry around in life wouldn't you think it would take you at LEAST 90 days to say yea this person is cool enough to date possibly date exclusively...

now let's take this even a step further...studies show that it takes a person 6-8 months, if they are GOOD, at fully learning a new job...again a JOB, but really a full 12-16 months to be fully acclimated and in control of your position

think about when you started a job and you had to read and study and learn the position, then you started doing the work, learning from past person's mistakes and your own, right about that year mark is when you find your stride, correct me if i am wrong...again this is in general, i know some folks are superstars no matter what but just think about it for us common folk...

so if that's the case for WORK wouldn't it take about 6-8 months to get to know someone and see if they are someone you want to be in a committed relationship with...at least (again i do know of situations were people just "knew" some of those situations have worked out others not so much but it does happen or can happen in less than 6 months, even marriage)

i mean most folks "wear the mask" for the first 6 months and don't even show you who they REALLY are until after that time...i mean the ladies stop being cute ALL the time and soon break out the scarf and its busted...the guy isn't as sweet anymore and soon goes back to his sports and homies....so why not take your time find out what the person is really about, keep sex out of the picture and get to know them on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level FIRST become FRIENDS first...

there was once a question put out there "would you rather be a wise woman of follow your heart" my response was i would rather be wise because being wise will protect my heart and allow my heart to be open when the time is right...so that's my stance and i am keeping it...

i understand a lot more about myself and what i have to offer to a relationship and what is and isn't...i am not afraid of being alone because i am never lonely i am not afraid of saying to someone that i am abstinent and being okay if they aren't okay with that...i am just in a good place where i know what my standards are and i want someone to love me for me and all my many many many did i say MANY layers...and just love me for me...and i can love him for him...again that comes from being true friends first...bonding on a heart to heart level...

i definitely still believe that love is really possible...

i have had my heart broken but i haven't been BROKEN... there is truly a difference

i am loving the fact that in my heart i am no longer worried about "IF" its going to come but just preparing myself for WHEN it happens...what i want and being open to my needs (that i might not even know are there) being met...