Monday, April 06, 2009

l-o-v-e

i want it...EVENTUALLY...not now...and TRUST as you keep reading you'll see why it will take a while

riding in the truck this weekend i put on Jill Scott's first album...and all i could do is smile from ear to ear just thinking about the possibility of LOVE and all that it has to offer...maybe its because its been almost a year since it all went down and ended, but its been a year since i saw it all coming and started to pull back and take off my rose colored glasses...i have really taken the last 9 months to really just focus on ME MYSELF and I...

don't get me wrong i am in NO WAY SHAPE or FORM ready for LOVE...dating and spreading my wings a little bit...but love...why because trust i am not even finished growing to love me

"it’s important to take time for yourself and discover who you are as an individual before including someone else in your life. Make sure you have your own life before you’re someone else’s wife,”

i am definitely still working and building on that area in my life...i definitely do have my own life, i feel no real loneliness at all...and i enjoy life and myself...i am working on trying to better myself taking time for myself and just really doing what i have to do to make me happy and whole with just me...like i have said i know who i am flaws and all and okay with it...so i can truly appreciate that quote above i have and will continue to take time for ME-TC

BUT

truth is eventually being in love and being someone's wife would be nice...thankfully i am not PRESSED though...like i know it'll happen when its supposed to

CLEARLY when i grow in love again...i definitely want this time it to be RIGHT...
i am definitely NOT just anybodies girlfriend...i don't do casual flings or whatever...

so if i decide to be in a committed relationship with someone i will definitely be doing so with someone whom i have developed a CLOSE bond with as a FRIEND FIRST...

i want to feel like this, no settling...if i can't sing these songs at the top of my lungs i can't do it!

he Loves me (lyzel in e flat). - Jill Scott

or maybe i'll feel like this:

The Truth - India.Arie

and i want him to feel like this, same thing no matter what, good bad rain or shine...i want him to feel like this about me:

sobeautiful - Musiq Soulchild

OR he can feel like this:

143 - Musiq

no matter what at the end of the day, after its all said and done...we should be able to be in love a deep respectful, communicative, friendship, spiritual, emotionally connected, friendship, respectful, faithful, loyal, honest...kind of love!

but all of that takes time...

in Steve Harvey's new book, he mentions that 90 day rule, now in his mind the 90 day rule is just to have sex...but in my mind the 90 day is about just seeing if you can even BE FRIENDS with this person, get a long with them and want to DATE exclusively (dating does not in my mind include sex) here is my rationale...

if you go on any new job right, you get a LEAST a 90 day probationary period...at the end of that 3 month time you and your job can say okay this is a good fit let's move forward or can say at the present time this isn't going to work out

NOW if that's the case on a friggin job, wouldn't that be the case with getting to know someone...as much stuff as we all carry around in life wouldn't you think it would take you at LEAST 90 days to say yea this person is cool enough to date possibly date exclusively...

now let's take this even a step further...studies show that it takes a person 6-8 months, if they are GOOD, at fully learning a new job...again a JOB, but really a full 12-16 months to be fully acclimated and in control of your position

think about when you started a job and you had to read and study and learn the position, then you started doing the work, learning from past person's mistakes and your own, right about that year mark is when you find your stride, correct me if i am wrong...again this is in general, i know some folks are superstars no matter what but just think about it for us common folk...

so if that's the case for WORK wouldn't it take about 6-8 months to get to know someone and see if they are someone you want to be in a committed relationship with...at least (again i do know of situations were people just "knew" some of those situations have worked out others not so much but it does happen or can happen in less than 6 months, even marriage)

i mean most folks "wear the mask" for the first 6 months and don't even show you who they REALLY are until after that time...i mean the ladies stop being cute ALL the time and soon break out the scarf and its busted...the guy isn't as sweet anymore and soon goes back to his sports and homies....so why not take your time find out what the person is really about, keep sex out of the picture and get to know them on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level FIRST become FRIENDS first...

there was once a question put out there "would you rather be a wise woman of follow your heart" my response was i would rather be wise because being wise will protect my heart and allow my heart to be open when the time is right...so that's my stance and i am keeping it...

i understand a lot more about myself and what i have to offer to a relationship and what is and isn't...i am not afraid of being alone because i am never lonely i am not afraid of saying to someone that i am abstinent and being okay if they aren't okay with that...i am just in a good place where i know what my standards are and i want someone to love me for me and all my many many many did i say MANY layers...and just love me for me...and i can love him for him...again that comes from being true friends first...bonding on a heart to heart level...

i definitely still believe that love is really possible...

i have had my heart broken but i haven't been BROKEN... there is truly a difference

i am loving the fact that in my heart i am no longer worried about "IF" its going to come but just preparing myself for WHEN it happens...what i want and being open to my needs (that i might not even know are there) being met...

8 comments:

GemisMyName said...

Hmmmm....I don't really like the theory of time frames because folks have been known to show their best face until they get you and then unleash the beast on you. I'm more for things flowing organically but I'm with you on the abstaining from sex thing.... So basically you are interested in a friends->husband deal. I can feel that and what I'm happy about most for you is that you're ready to stick to your standards and not let fear of lonely make you buckle. At the end of the day that's the gem that Steve's book and this wise post has to offer. On the choice between wise and happy--I don't think there is one. They can go hand in hand and it takes time to balance both out and define what both means to you.

Please elaborate on how you manage not to feel lonely...

T.C. said...

I guess i wasn't as clear as i should be with time frames...

i totally agree that things will happen organically, but i use the time frame of getting to know a job as a parallel situation...if it takes you that long to get to know something that you put in a minimum of 8 hours a day 5 days a week wouldn't you think it would take
TIME to get to know someone...

that's the main point of that part...it happens that in six months you just KNOW, but more often than not its going to take time...and for those folks it takes six months for they usually come to the table very open and up front from the jump, which again most folks don't do...

as you stated most people act GREAT until they get you...so why not be friends and really see that person for who they truly are FIRST before jumping out there...

that's my main point...

i also think that a lot of times we do what will make us happy in the moment and in doing that we aren't being wise...but if we stop and think and use wisdom over instant gratification in the end we will be truly happy...because you can be happy and be dumb as a box of rocks because you are in your own little world not paying attention to the "signs" and what wisdom would be screaming at you...

in terms of me being lonely...i think because i don't NEED a relationship right now, i am not lonely because i am extremely busy either at work, doing something with Kiamsha trying to workout, trying to do bible study trying to spend time with my family trying to hang out with the girls...the down time i do have i just want peace and quiet and to be to myself...

i just genuinely enjoy the life i have its not always easy of glamorous but its full...so since i have a very full life i know that i am okay in just who i am, and for the first time in a long time all that LOVE i had to give i am giving it to myself...so that's how i manage not to be lonely you know...

yes i am determined to stick to my standards...and because of that choice i know in the end everything will work out just as it should!

j.a.c. said...

A pure fire way to combat lonliness is to have a relationship with God. It IS possible to have an intimate relationship with Him. You just have to develop it, just like you do everything else.

T.C. said...

i guess the reason that wasn't even apart of my conversation was because for ME loving myself has come from growing in my relationship with GOD...

the people in my life as well genuinely want to know GOD and work on it on a regular basis...

so to me truly loving yourself is loving GOD first because when you love HIM you don't do things that will hurt YOU and that helps to combat the loneliness...

blkbutterfly said...

i don't know, i'm on the fence about this one. i started dating my bf after about a week of reconnecting (we met in college, lost contact, and got back in touch a few years later) BUT he's one of those rare individuals who's very transparent from the jump. that being said, i wouldn't recommend everyone take that route. truth be told, before then, i wouldn't have taken that route. but, circumstances can change your outlook.

on the other hand, i'm all for a long dating period/engagement b4 getting married. (of course, not 23 years ;-) but 4-5 is cool w/ me.

T.C. said...

i mean like i said it can definitely work for someone off the break...i have seen it within 6 months folks have known have gotten married and it sticks...you knew your bf in college and reconnected...

i am talking about in general for folks you just meet OFF THE STREET even those you might have a common friend or two...we gotta take our time to get to know folks...that's all i ma saying...ESPECIALLY in terms of giving our hearts over...

you gotta take your time, but that's just my opinion

blkbutterfly said...

oh, i was disagreeing w/ you. if anything, i was saying mu situation (and others like it) are an exception to the rule. sorry if that point got muddled...

T.C. said...

Blk it probably wasn't you it was probably me reading wrong...no worries its all love around these parts...