last day of 08 ready for divine 09

yep that's how i am looking at life

like wow today is the last day of 2008 and its really time to move into 2009...

per my previous post i am totally ready for 2008 to be OVA so no skin off my back or shame in my game to say HOLLA you dig...i am totally ready...

i have spoken many times before that there are some things that i have lined up for 09 and today marked the reality that somethings are about to take place and happen...for one i am trusting that things will fall into place so i wrote my 60 day vacate notice today...i will be moving out of my apartment of the last 3 years by 2/28/09...

i felt like i couldn't breathe because i had to write the letter before i got a firm/final on something else, that's what they call FAITH you know what i mean...

there are a couple of other things that have me just sitting back ans waitin for some things to happen in my life...like and they are all in the hands of others and truly require me to have what's the word FAITH...

but i do know and truly believe that things are going to happen for better

08 has taught me a lot about myself and its definitely been a blessing to come out on top and to feel like its all for the betterment of me and a woman, as human being as a child of GOD

no matter what i am blessed i have a job, good health over all, a place that's warm at night to lay my head, clothes on my back and good family and friends to hold me down...i have a lot more than others...but i am going to keep pressing forward and keep having faith and relying on GOD to guide me and show me his wisdom...that's what matters most...

so i'll be in church tonight spending time with my mother and enjoying our last NYE in the DMV together...

Proverbs 30 take a read...

peace and love people, see you in Divine 09 while on my grind!

My mind is runnin

that's nothing new though but its running a little more than usual...

all i know is, is that 2008 is almost over and i couldn't be happier to see it go...not that i am not sitting back and appreciating all of the lesson's learned because that's the absolutely best way to look at life ... as a steady progression of learning

but to say it wasn't hard would be a lie...a lot of things happened that were beyond my control but things happened that were...and again its totally all in the lesson...

as the year comes to an end i realize that i am still not ready to focus on anything other than myself for i still have a lot to learn about me and what makes me truly happy what really sets me apart from everything and everyone else...i know that i truly appreciate the fact that i am really ready to love myself everyday i realize that flaws and all i am really okay with who i am

i am a woman who is falling in love all over again and who is fighting everyday to stay in love with herself no matter what...

i had someone confess his love for me on Christmas night...i have known him for a while and it wasn't the first time that he has said that he loved me...it was a extremely deep conversation and it even had me thinking that maybe just maybe i was overlooking someone that could really be that person for me...then the next day he doesn't step up to what his words were saying...and maybe its because he is a really GREAT dude, not even good but great dude...but as little big sis said to me you can't force it...you can't

so you know my saying is totally "words without action" means absolutely NOTHING to me...and it doesn't so moving on...

my cousin told me that i have a wall up and i know that i do and i am totally okay with that...my wall or will allow me as my LS said yesterday "have an intense screening process" like is too short to deal with the BS and to settle so imma just chill you know...eventually the wall will come down and all will be well with the world...don't get me wrong i still love men especially the brothers but its clear that TC gotta do TC right now ya know

i am still in the process of making some moves, those moves will include me doing some really BIG things in 09 and i am just really trying to set myself up so that i can be truly self-sufficient and able to sand on my own two feet with a "nest egg" "rainy day fund" all that...investing money and saving and just moving forward there are a lot of things i want and so instead of just complaining about it or feeling sorry for myself you get up you dust yourself off and you make away for yourself that's what our parents did that's what our grandparents did so that's what i am going to do...i am going to make all kinds of moves and make a way for myself in 2009...its time to be on my grind...and yes i have been on my grind but its time to take it up another notch

i had wonderful holiday season full with love and with family and friends...

its a beautiful thing to feel full and to want to keep loving and living...and at the end of the day have a GREAT smile on your face

total rAdomneSS

stuff never ceases to amaze me...or should i say people...let's start off with the positive:


I got this message today:

TC: Your example and your words are more powerful and inspiring than you know. At 24 years old, 25 in February, I would love to say that I've outgrown the position of mentee, but it appears I still have much to learn from you, big sis. Looking forward to it.


I must say that it truly brightened my day...well actually I went into the day with a pretty postive attitude because we had our Kaimsha Family Reunion last. The KAA group worked really hard to make sure that everything that needed to be done, including a documentary that included my momma was put together very nicely...i saw a LOT of people I hadn't see in YEARS and it was good to see those that came up under me come back and that they are doing extremely WELL! so that had me in good spirits...


then you know life takes control and you realize that it is really what it is, and that no matter how hard you do or work towards something there will always be something else that other people feel the needs to say or do...what really blows me is how badly other people's attitudes can really SUCK and when i say SUCK I mean suck majorly and i am not digging it..and i am really trying to NOT let it affect me and how i carry myself but sometimes its really hard when all people want to do is emerse the air with negative energy...


i am doing well at my pt job...worked on saturday and on day 3 the store manager was like he wanted me to come in so that i can be trained on the register...that my work was amazing...yea its only a pt but you want to do well on any job and it feels good to be recognized at least at one place

all i can do is keep my head above water and keep moving forward you know what i mean...

i am still not dating and have no interest in dating...i still don't worry about marriage or having children...i know that i want those things to happen, but i am also pretty sure that i have no control over it happening or not, so my energy is better suited to praying that GOD helps me remain faithful in HIS plan for my life...i am not bitter or angry just not focused on that

so that's what i have been doing...praying and reading the word...I have been reading a chapter of Proverbs a night, it really does have some very powerful and practical guidance and to me that's the best way to prepare to start off the new year...with guidance and ways to be wiser, better, stronger and more connected to GOD...

so yea i am a little frustrated today, i just can't dig the negativity you know...i try to do what i gotta do...so i am thinking i am going to keep right on channeling PC "do your work and mind your business" is my motto for this part of my life right now

The Brothers-REPOST

I know I know...brothers you are probably thinking "oh no, not another let's bash the Black Man posts" but you know what you couldn't be any further from what this is all about... Everyday I make my way to work via the METRO (I know, I know but let me finish) and everyday, I am truly intrigued by the variations of beautiful brothers that I see.

From the three piece suit wearing brother...Clean cut, dressed to the nine.
To the earthly brother, rocking the dreads and LRG
To the khaki pants and polo shirt wearing brother
To the around the way brother with his New Balances, chill blue jeans (most likely GAP) and a plain white tee...

Note: I know that there are plenty of brothers that do NOT fit any of the above and can be any varition and/or combination of them all...but that's just too much to try to write...so I kept it simple...aw man...tha brothers....

All of them just beautiful in their own way. Despite what the media/public opinion/society in general would have us to believe, regardless of the stereotypes that WE place on our brothers ourselves...

All of our men are NOT locked up ALL of our men are NOT dead beats ALL of our men are NOT infected with HIV or a STD ALL of our men are NOT on the DL or gay ALL of our men are NOT liars, cheaters, and adulterers I am a true believer that the Black Family is NOT dead...not yet...not if I (or my generation rather...here is a prime example) have anything to do with it...

There are plenty of intelligent, spiritually centered, honest, faithful, strong yet loving, firm yet caring, Black men in the world! Right here in our area...there just has to be Its not easy being a young woman of substance to be found by a young man of substance...(that's right a man is supposed to find a woman)

In fact my girlfriend (sister I should say) just had a conversation the other night about how our older male family members have stated that they actually feel "sorry" for us, because we have it "too" together, and thus will more than likely intimidate most young men our age... Well (and I take a deep breath as I say this) I am just not ready to give up on my brothers yet, especially here in DC where I am from...

I believe that there are young men out there who are together, have it together, who won't be intimidated and who will love me as Christ Loves! (Giving more than he receives...true love is about giving of yourself, all of you, with no expectation of receiving the same in return, and in return that other person does the same thing...its one big circle of love...deep huh?...yeah it is)


I had a lot to say but my mind is going faster than my fingers and I didn't get home fast enough from work (off of the train) to get out all that I was thinking... I am sure that I will revisit this topic I am sure again...

Ignorance is an unfortunate-sad state of being

so with the election of the first African American president, we have heard many stories of hate crimes and the like happening...we have heard of many people suing the state and local governments claiming that Obama isn't a "natural born citizen" of the United States, including an argument being heard this past weekend by the supreme court of the land (although after doing some research and listening to a couple of legal scholars, its seems the reason Clearance Thomas even allowed it to be heard was so that it would DENIED and done and over with period the end...)

but when a hate crime happens to you or to someone that you love it takes ignorance to an entirely different level and state of being...

my younger cousin, just moved here from Chicago mid-October, she got a GREAT job with one of the top firms in the country in Montgomery County MD...I totally recommended that she move up near her job (I-270) because traffic in the DMV area is ROUGH especially on that side of town...so she did...she moved to a very nice area in Rockville (edge of Germantown)...now my cousin is SHARP, not even 24 already has a Master's degree and is doing very well for herself...she isn't a flashy person, but she maintains and does well for herself

so when she called me yesterday morning to tell me that she walked outside of her apartment to see this:

if you can't read it, it says: NIGGER, fuck OBAMA

let's just say i was shocked, but not really...although her car wasn't the only one written on, it was the only one with a racial slur and vulgar language

when the police officer got to her house, he didn't know what or how to classify the "crime" (i personally think because who wants to have statistics of being a county with a hate crime) i informed her to tell him nicely, its a HATE CRIME period!

...so i got up pulled myself together and made my way up the road...initially she didn't really want to be bothered which you can understand but then she wanted me there so i went...we didn't do anything but just sit around but having family there i think mattered...here she is 45 minutes away from the closets person to her...she totally thinks its someone who lives in her building because how would they know to write the word "nigger" on her car if they didn't know she was black...true she has Illinois tags but that doesn't mean anything in terms of her race...

...what is amazing is they don't know if she was a Democrat or a republican if she voted for president-elect Obama or not, it was just assumed that since she was black she did...here is the real deal people, with the black vote alone President-elect Obama would NOT have won the race...that's just based on pure numbers...

so here is the deal folks...

its also important to remember that the word NIGGER, NIGGA whatever has NO place in any vocabulary that is why i don't use it...period! its a deplorable word...

the point of the matter is, as happy as i am with this historic victory...something inside me wouldn't let me believe that we were ALL UNITED for one common cause...but that we still have a lot to build...we still have to learn that people are human beings FIRST and its important to always remember that...ignorance begets ignorance...so let's stop and think before we do, say, or touch and harm someone else...

my faVorite thAngs

i am totally stealing this from a couple of my folks...teej did a my favorite things and deja did a things that make me smile...so on this Friday as i sit at my desk doing some work and jaming all at the same time i decided to write out some things that truly make me happy:

in no particular order other than #1

1. Family
my parents-listening to my parents fuss, curse, laugh, whatever...they make me happy
my brothers-they off the hook
nieces and nephews-they are SO intelligent and just some all around cool people to be around. i swear the youngest of them has been here before that little boy is too much for words

2. My girls and da homies...but here lately i have been spending a lot of time with my girls (that includes my cousins) and just tripping out...doing nothing in particular but enjoying life

3. good food makes me happy...i love to eat what can i say

4. finding a unique item while shopping at a boutique

5. shoes and bags make me happy

6. funny movies

7. laughing until it hurts and something random

8. sitting around laughing and joking with those closest to me

9. the quiet of nights especially when sitting on my balcony at home...just me and the night air

10. reading-especially books about our history

11. sitting in my CHAIR curled up watching tv all day long

12. going to the hair salon and being loud and crazy while getting my hair done

13. being around my Kiamsha family the kids the adults just everyone is so cool

14. going to the movies by myself and talking to the screen

15. walking downtown by the monuments

16. fall and spring

17. playing in the rain

18. my Nike boots

19. my hair short

20. looing at HGTV, Style network-clean house and Ruby, Reba, Living Single

21. me-i totally crack myself up and the little things i say, think...like who decided that blue was blue what if blue is really purple (my personal trainer told me i could think that but that i should say that out loud)

22. good lotion, facial products, stuff that makes you feel soft-coco butta

23. the GAP

24. a nice hoodie and some sweatpants to just chillax in

25. having NOTHING to do!

26. MUSIC!!!!! MUSIC makes me happy all kinds of music!

27. styling other people...i love shopping for and pulling outfits together

28. looking at home and furniture books

29. driving....when i need a break from it all i go for a riding and just rock out, cry whatever

30. Alabama-sssssshhhhhhhhhh don't tell nobody...but i love being at my Madea's house and just sitting on the carport, especially when its raining...its the most peaceful place in the world

random hAppineSS

yes i am totally randomly happy...no particular special reason other than everyday we are able to get up and see another day and be healthy is another day to be happy...

December 1st was yet another step in the beginning of preparing myself for Jan09, can you believe its about to be 2009 already? I know right its a marvelous thing though I am totally excited about all that 2009 has to offer me...i know life won't always be easy but it surely isn't all that hard...and here is the real deal

you can't love the life you live until you live the life you love...

now isn't that some real talk...like you only got this one life this one moment and opportunity to make your mark on the world so what are YOU going to do...sit around and wait for the world to come to you, or get out there and go into the world...so that's what i am setting my sights on...

stuff hasn't fallen EXACTLY into place as i would like or as i wanted it to, but its falling and will fall exactly how GOD sees fit for it to fall and i already KNOW that it will fall better than i could have every imagined...

did i tell you that my cousin got engaged? YEP she is 25 will be 26 and she is getting married in June. he proposed on Monday of last week and we found out at dinner...she wants a simple wedding in the backyard at night...its her and him though all the way they are very chill people, they don't need a "show" (i needs me a show...LOL...i want the HUGE church wedding with all the bells but that's me and my personality you know-but who knows) so that now takes me to dress #7! Cool with me though i totally love being around and helping people on their special wedding day...PLUS i know that they love each other they are both working on PhDs are both dedicated and loyal and just all around GOOD people!

thanksgiving was GREAT, even though people were looking at ME because i am the oldest girl and they just KNEW i would be first to get married, because i just have this as my aunt said "matenal thing" yea but i can do that without getting married, no no no people not have a kid by turkey baster i am talking about being a mentor and loving my neices and nephews and all the babies that are around me...i got plenty to share the love with...LOL and more important i am not settling so i'll be single...i have SO MUCH to just be thankful for in terms of life and love and just being happy!

my male cousin Jocko told me that i am a lot to handle...while this i believe is indeed TRUE i am an independent woman it is also TRUE that i am totally ready to as JAC said "let the man lead" HOWEVER i am NOT letting a fool lead me anywhere...so therefore, i'll just be chillaxin until that time...i KNOW that there are good men out there, i mean my homeboys are good guys, my brothers and cousins are good guys...so in time when GOD is finished working on ME then i'll be ready, until then i am going to keep focusing on making me whole

did i tell you i am still not interested in dating...yep totally not, but boy oh boy do i love to look...men are GORGEOUS oh me oh my...so i have fun watching men dressed up on the train. Man that's a handsome look to just see a man dressed in a suit or shirt and tie, some hitting shoes and slacks that fall just right over the shoe with the coat...and the face shaped up just right...so i smile and enjoy just looking at everyone from the Metro train operator to the trash man to the business man you all beautiful!

okay let me stop now...LOL

Kanye did it again...808's is HOT the first song "say you will" is on constant repeat the beats the entire thing just gets me into this whole level of calm and just chill...the dude has definitely got some serious talent that's for sure!

my cousin moved here from Chi-town, and truth be told we didn't even know we were cousins until we met face to face...my other homegirl Ms. Perkins just wanted me to look out for her and come to find out, that her mom and my mom are first cousins and thus so are we, the girl is BAD you here me, Masters already and not even 24 yet...she is good....but she is also humble, down to earth and we have so much fun just laughin and jokin...

i sat back and thought about my girls i mean my REAL girls, i mean we all have girls that are for a certain purpose like to party with, or to talk to about a certain situation but i sat back and thought about my girls that are there no matter WHAT and can tell you i was blessed

let's see what else...oh i am also dieting, or continuing my healthy lifestyle change...i have now added the WHEY protein shake for breakfast then some oatmeal and then some soup and then a nice snack and then a healthy dinner...smaller meals throughout the day is the way imma go...but healthy smaller meals...and of course exercising i am up to 3 miles total! YES! then i do some other stuff so we'll see what december holds...OH and i got back on a multi vitamin...i guess since i have been struggling really all my life because i have always been thicker than my friends, but now yes i want to lose weight but it just want to feel and look good for ME not for society or societies standards because people are ALWAYS going to have something to say but just for me...

well that's it and that's all folks nothing more really going on with me...just having a good time and enjoying life

MJ Monday....

so if i had to pick between Michael Jackson and Prince anyone that knows me, KNOWS that i would PICK PRINCE hands down...

HOWEVER I will always give Mr. Jackson his props

from singing & pinning Ben a song about his love for his RAT to heartbreak hotel to the most recent butterflies...the man is a genuis and can dance his butt OFF

so enjoy your MJ Monday

he was getting it LIVE with heartbreak hotel



this one right here was one of the BEST moves for him, you saw some sex appeal and he looked "normal" (even for him) in this video not to mention he was dancing his butt off...
keep it in the closet Mike...




you can see him twark it in SCREAM here with his sister

the man is BAD indeed

totally rAndomneSS

been a minute since i just brain dumped today seems like a good day

people have been trying my patience all friggin week...all friggin week...
but its cool...still enjoying life and loving life at the same time

here is the thing, i think have said this here before, but i'll say it again, people will NOT always agree with me, or understand why it is that i do what i do...all i ask is that you respect it...and if you can't, then that's not my issue...i will not apologize for what i feel or why i do what i do...because i don't do things out of spite or to hurt people, i don't do things to be disrespected and i won't stand for disrespect...its all love but like i said i gotta love me first...so if i step aside, cancel something or whatever the case maybe its because I personally do NOT have to deal with bullshit...yea i normally don't curse on here...but seriously recent events have been just that bullshit...

i saw something this morning that really made me said...there was a clearly mentally chanllenged man on the train and he was randomly talking to people...no one was there with him he was all alone, and it bothered me to the core because all i could think about was my aunt and how someone could easily hurt or take advantage of him...and that bothered me...

they were having the annaul "food 2 feed" drive downtown today...did you know that $1 to the Capital Area Food Bank could feed a person 3 meals...so me and a couple other people at my job wrote checks and made a donation...my co-worker went down and was actually ON the radio...CLASSIC...luvs her!

my line sister that i told you all about a while ago...is getting married YEP he proposed this past weekend! i knew it was coming but its awesome to know its really here....dress #6 for me! i told her imma be like the lady from 27 dresses..she told me i didn't have to be in it...GIRL BYE i wouldn't miss it for the world!!! she knows that...it makes me smile from ear to ear to think about the love those two share...he is a really GREAT guy and she is a really GREAT woman...they are ready and its going to be awesome...

i have a new nickname for my dad...its because he eats sweets all the time...for the most part i am still very happy...i don't do shady folks or dig shady stuff...but again its all cool and its all love...ya know!

one more day until the week...woooohooooo

one of my favorite songs, and truly one of my favorite videos! its really powerful...

The light...

"there are times, when you need someone i will be by your side"

you ever had a song, that when you hear it you smile from ear to ear, and NOT because you are experiencing something in particular AT that particular moment in time...BUT you know that you WILL experience it and you KNOW you will smile from ear to ear

that's how i feel when i hear the light...like i know that bond is coming...the way he talks about the woman that he loves in this song, is the way that i know that the man that loves me will feel about me...and that makes me smile...

but here is the catch: i am not now, nor any time soon think that i'll be dating anyone seriously...or rather i can't "see" that part...but i am not worried...

you ever get to a point in life when you realize that things are only as BIG or small as you make them and the thing is that you understand that having FAITH keeps you from worrying so much over any of it all...

here is the deal, i am absolutely, utterly, abundantly HAPPY...and nothing about my life in particular has changed...same job, same home, same money situation, same truck, same everything...

BUT different attitude...

my attitude and view about the world and more importantly about ME and my life has been shifting a lot lately and its really been for the better and for the positive...so i see the light for myself...

i must say i had a FAB U LOUS weekend...Friday i went to Park with the bestest and met up with the fellas...some homies i have known for years but haven't necessarily "kicked it with" in a while...it was cool and refreshing...

Saturday i helped with a re pass for my Aunt's aunt...it was a lot of work and i was on my feet all day but my Aunt W would do anything for me and my family and she and my mom have been the best of friends for years so it was my responsibility so i did what i had to do...i took my nephew the Miles to see Madagascar 2...i think me and the other adults enjoyed it more than the kids...a lot of adult comedy and it was indeed funny...

sunday was the highlight of the week...me, the bestest and my cusin went to church...and man was it a blessing on my life! it was truly an experience that was/is always needed but it really confirmed a lot of what i was feeling...stepping out and into another level of thinking, living and loving..

i can feel the shift in me and in my spirit who i am...and its awesome!

and you know what else here is something that is really like wow: i forgive him...

yep i forgive him...not for me, not for him, but for GOD...for my spirit...GOD doesn't want me walking around with anger and bitterness and that ain't even me...i think once i forgave myself that allowed me to be able to forgive him...i hold no bitterness, no anger, no love, no nothing...that's the thing...like nothing...i think the thing that even made me think about it was as i was journaling last night, i looked at the date and realized that it had been 4 months..and i was like wow i haven't even thought about you, and more importantly i hadn't even thought about what happened...and i took a deep breathe and felt the release...its a wonderful feeling...

so i see the light...i am glad that i have and continue to take the time out for me and to be selfish for me right now...its really the best thing to make sure i am right so when "the light" that GOD has for me comes my way i am ready... i am ready to be the light as well

An open letter

i guess the best way to start this letter off is by saying:

i forgive you!

yes you!

for all the times you let me down, when you said you were down to go somewhere or do something. for when you said you were ready to grow together and you really weren't...

for all the times you lied and hide the truth from me...told me one thing because it was easier not because it was REAL...

said you were IN love with me but you really weren't because you really didn't know me, who i was, what i felt, what my dreams were, who i had been, who i wanted to be

for manipulating my dreams of wanting to be a wife and mother and allowing me to settle for the things you KNEW you couldn't give because you didn't know who you were...

for looking real life and the real deal RIGHT IN THE FACE and turning a blind eye because subconsciously you knew i didn't want to be alone...

for allowing me to ignore my inner "self" and wisdom and just be DUMB

for all the times that you let me eat things i shouldn't, down myself and as i shouldn't...hurt myself emotionally when i shouldn't...

for letting me look in the mirror and let me not think i was pretty enough, strong enough, or worth enough

for allowing me to compare myself to other women...tall-short-light-brown-beautifully dark-smaller-not so smaller-thicker...and never feel good enough

for allowing me to always chase the BIG NICKLE wanting to be more than i was or better yet to be what i THOUGHT I SHOULD BE...

for crying over things i had no control over and never telling me to stop...

for ignoring and sometimes even denying my talents

for never giving me enough credit and at times being extremely hard on me

for keeping personal and family secrets bottled up for years because you worry so much about what others may think

for not allowing me to be me, because of what others may or may not think...not dressing, expressing, fully who i am based on the "worlds opinion"

for allowing me to blame myself when it wasn't ME or even sometimes YOU to blame just the circumstances for what it was...and not saying to me...its okay it just is...

for allowing me to fake the funk when it was just that funk

the list could go on and on...but i guess what i am trying to say is simply

i forgive YOU because you is really ME

because I MUST CHOSE ME

INSPIRING

I was going to try to blog about how i felt and my feelings of Joy, pride, excitement...but i think that my great-grandmother Emma Dallas said it best

“There is going to come a time that the bottom of the tub is gonna come to the top”

what she meant by that my grand mother explained was that we as a people-and not just black , white, brown, yellow, red or purple its all people all disenfranchised people, all people who are tired of being sick and tired-were going to rise up…and that we did…

am i totally convinced that the as my girl said "glass of racism is now half full" no not really...BUT for the first time since my freshman year of college I am definitely seeing that WE can come together…and that progress can be made… and that’s HUGE…I am at a place where I actually feel like what I studied and worked hard for, my future and my children’s future matters!

and it is totally because of Barak Obama his disposition, his character, his intelligence, his credentials, his identity, his graciousness, and his ability to connect with the masses and the majority.

i want to end with this:

please remember-it took us 8 years, EIGHT to get to this point...

President Obama can NOT get us out turmoil in a year or two...and I am glad he said that last night...its going to take time to turn this country around...so NO we can't party just yet we gotta work...and we gotta work TOGETHER!

monday murnin flash back

and did you see the hand puppets...CLASSIC!!!

tell me if you still care...WHAT! CLASSIC

let me put somethin in ya

yea my sentiments exactly...

that's what this dude had the nerve to say to me on Friday night..yes i decided to finally go out...
it was my homie KC's 25th birhtday party and you know i totally felt inclined to go...and i even bought a custome...

i went as a boxer and that's who i met a boxer...who seemed fine enough...we talked and went back and forth it was cool...then after i was like okay i'll talk to this dude...he then says "man you need to let me put something in you..." then eventually it comes out that this dude has not one, not two, not three but FOUR kids...

yea my sentiments exactly...

i did run into another dude that was nice enough...he is definitely cool...but four years younger...

and all of this after me and my homie ballonman had a conversation about me NOT giving up on men but definitely taking time out for myself..but not closing the door....that right there Mr. ballon man...is why i am just hanging out...with ME...LOL

life is still good...i am sure i am this is the beginning of many more stories to come...

nothing to say

you ever have something to say but nothing to say at all...
that's how i feel...

i am not lonely
i am not bored
i am actually, what's the word for it...
content...

yea i think that pretty much can sum up how i am feeling right now about my life...

nothing is wrong, everything is what it is...and everything will continue to be what its going to be...

the one thing i have learned and continue to learn is to NOT take things personal, because no matter how good you are to people, or at what you do, or who you are...somebody is always going to have something to say...so its best to pick your big gurl drawers on and keep it moving...

i thank the women in my life for helping me get to that point in understanding that what i feel and what i deal with is really okay...

i am no longer delusional about life, love or who i am as a person...

nor have a lost my sense of romance or that spice for life...but i enjoy making myself laugh, i enjoy making myself happy and enjoy being full of joy...over the smallest thing...such as see my Daddy smile...hearing my brother laugh or seeing the love in my mother's eyes for me...

you ever get to this point, where you feel grown like REALLY grown...

your parents opinion will always matter, but you know you gotta make your own decisions...
what your girls will always be your girls, but you understand that you all have different lives and different things that you are trying to do...
you are no longer starting to be as hard as you have been on yourself and begin to really take the time to reflect on your life choices and lessons learned so that you can actually BE a better person...
you begin to stop existing and begin living....
not all people are genuine and its cool, you understand that's why GOD gives you instincts and you keep it moving...
you recognize the real and you keep moving past the fake...
you are no longer judgemental and you just appreciate people for who they are, i mean REALLY appreciate people for who they are...the good, the bad and the ugly...

yea i am totally digging this falling in love with ME process...

man i am gettin grown

22 hours....6 states

that's how long i was up for straight...yep...
why? well because i love my family dearly so you know you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes...

Friday night was the Kiamsha girls sleepover...as usual we had fun...they think that we (the mentors) are crazy and we just sat around and laughed joked and had some REAL conversations...its times like that when they get to see that we are indeed REAL people who have dealt with REAL issues...

of course i got absolutely NO sleep at all...ONE because i can never sleep away from home to tough and TWO i don't sleep to tough when young people are around, mainly because i don't want anything to happen so i am always half up...so being that we didn't even turn the lights OFF until like 4am, and i HAD to be up at 6am so that i could get to the airport...let's just say i got NO sleep...

so i get up, go to my parents house, get dressed and off to BWI so that i could fly down to meet my parents in Birmingham and help them drive back up to MD...

it was cool my flight landed 30minutes late, we got some food and finally got on the road about 1pm ET....at this point i am wide awake and my mom is driving...we are just laughing and joking and talking...good times...about 6pm its my turn...

here is the kicker though i was up and fine until about 4:30ish my eyes started to get heavy...but i knew that my mom was tired and i flew down to help her drive back up (my dad can't drive like he used to, and his reaction time is OFF so its best he doesn't do any driving)...so i chalked it up...

Now the first two hours were HARD...i was tired and i don't drive my mother's car AT ALL so i had to get used to sitting all low in this Cadillac and driving a 8-cylinder car too...i stopped at the rest stop, got out, went in splashed some water on my face, said a prayer and was like "LORD please let's just get HOME"

after that it was ON...i got my peep in my step back and we were off and rollin again...

now i am not going to front, i-81 and route 66 ain't NO joke, its in the mountains and hills of VA no lights and two lanes...up and down, around and around...nerve racking to say the least...but we made I drove 7 hours straight and we made it..

once we got on 66 i said to my Dad, "you didn't think i could do it did you?" his reply "i knew you could do i was a little worried because i knew you were tired, but you are driven, you got that C blood in you"

that meant a lot coming from him...my dad doesn't offer compliments AT ALL...so it was special...the whole day was special we all just talked and laughed and joked the entire time...it was a good time for me because they will be moving in the spring so you know having them all to myself and being able to enjoy their company meant a lot...

being that i fell completely OFF my healthy eating plan friday night (let's just say i consumed over 600 calories from chips) i was more than determined to get BACK on it right away this weekend and I did...no snacks, only egg whites, no starches, salads and greens and mainly water...even making a HUGE pot of homemade veggie soup last night for dinner...just like my momma...LOL

so its Monday morning, i am feeling pretty good...i slept 9 1/2 hours once i finally got home, still got up and did what i needed to do around they house and even did a little bargain shopping at my FAV store in the world TARGET!

so i am happy got some energy and ready to GET GET GET IT this week...

happy Monday folks!

What is "success" to you???

being that i am in this funk of things or fog or whatever you would like to call it...

last night i reached out to my sister-in-law and she told me that what i was feeling was normal that many folks go through the funk or the whole, the thing is NOT to let the whole consume me...i again realized that i am a lot stronger than i thought and that i don't give myself enough credit...but still i wonder...

what is happiness for TC? what is success for TC?

i wonder to all my fellow blogger out there...

What is success to you? What makes you tick, what does it mean to reach a goal...

furthermore, what does it mean to you to be happy, what defines happiness and fulfillment...

many times we can easily get caught up in the "everyday" cycle of life...get up go to work, go home, workout, eat dinner, sleep, get up and do the same thing all over again...

are we just existing? what is living?

honest award

so i was graciously nominated for the "honest blogger award" by (g mo & honey) and per the rules i have to select 7 folks that i believe are deserving of this blog...now i was nominated twice does that mean i need to do 14??? naw i don't think so but i may have more than 7...so here we go

When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or more) that you find brilliant in their content or design. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional). List [if you can and or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself. And then, pass it on.

1. mikesee: i gotta start with this guy because he is indeed the VERY reason i started blogging in the first place. now i have known this intelligent brotha since ummm what 10th grade chemistry class...he has always been deep, real, smart, street smart but book smart and will come at your kneck but knows how to be a gentlemen...in the beginning he was totally chronicling his life, now its more a political-hip hop what's going on in the world restropective type of blog...we all come to a point in our life though when sometimes we have to keep certain things to ourselves so i am guessing he is at that point in his life...but he started me on this journey so shots to him

2. jac: she and i started blogging at the same time...we have both grown a lot during the last two years, ups and downs being chronicled on the screne...she has a way of writing not only about the real of her life but also creating pieces that are creative...she has such a sweet and enduring spirit and it totally comes across on her blog...not to mention that she keeps us coming with the latest fashion and hair and all the girlie things that we women love, including the boys...her honesty helps me grow

3. honey libra: my shortie honey...always upfront in your face doesn't matter what it is, she is going to keep it straight up and honest. no matter what she is going through she lets her soul speak through her fingers and that's a brave and admirable thing to do...from her joys, hopes, and loves she talks to us...even making us laugh out loud very often from her candid observations about life in the DMV...its like you are having a conversation with this crazy loud girlfriend in your living room, when you are really at your desk...she says things that i am often times afraid to say...

4. g mo: another brotha that's really out here being open and honest about life and love. i think that's what draws me to his page is how he explores the love that he has for his wife and his family. he is surrounded by women, mother, sister, nieces and his wife...and he just loves and adores those women, so its extremely refreshing to read about a man living his life in such a positive way. then you gotta add on the fact that he is a music and sports fanatic! so you can be sure to always get the hottest reviews

5. jussy: big sista jussy...you gotta love her! she is always keeping it straight up and honest. she is the one that has taught me NOT to force anything in this life...she feels how she feels period point blank and she makes absolutely NO apologies for feeling the way that she does. and if she doesn't have anything to say she doesn't...she understands that sometimes being quiet is the best thing for the soul and she shares that with us...food for the soul

6. Blu: the other big sis...she has shared her deepest most vulnerable moments...even LIFE altering moments with the blog world. she moves outside of herself to share things with others so that THEY can do better...totally selfless in sharing her deepest darkest secrets so that others can learn from her, grown with her, and be as strong as she is...truly a beautiful sista inside and out

7. eb the celeb: this girl is wild and the life of the party and i LOVE it. don't get me wrong, she is as vulnerable and introspective as any of us...but she lives life and she enjoys every single second of it and she is more than willing to share her deepest intermost feelings whether they are happy, sad, or glad...and that's always refreshing

8. all-mi-t: this dude right here! keeps me up on ALL that i need to keep up on in the world...breaking down every political, economical, sexual, relationship gander you can think of...and its straight from the hip...this dude is not only degreed, but extremely intellectual and profound (we all know that degrees don't = intelligence)...plus he is a wonderful father...you know he loves his family, his kids and is a good dude...

9. precious gem: my sweet sweet soul p...gotta love this girl...even if i didn't know her personally i would totally dig and love her vibe and her spirit...its so, what's the word, ORGANIC...meaning pure, no additves she is just who she is...and she is okay with that...loving herslf and growing into herself...she doesn't force anything she allows herself to just be and that's a beautiful thing...she is honestly and truly a precious gem, rare and special

10. E: this is the most random, brain dumping dude on the blogsphere to me...and i love it...he just spits it out...all right there for you...from his random thoughts about random things in life, such as snack cakes, the form of a woman, to his favorite tv shows and soaps...he is who is and makes absolutely NO apologies for it, and he shouldn't...that's what sets him apart...and we can't forget how he always has the ROCKIN playlist whenever you go over to his spot

11. a woman on the move: another one of the FIRST blogs i came across when i first started blogging a little over 2 years ago...and she is open and BOLD about everything, the good the bad and the ugly, her insecurities, he strengths, it all! and i love that about her, it doesn't matter what it is, from her accomplishments to some of her set-backs she shares it all...and from it all she grows and helps us all to grow and believe with her...

so 10 things about me:

1. i can cook...but breakfast was the LAST meal i learned to cook...the reason that's important is because i HATED the fact of cooking as a young woman...i totally REFUSED to be the "in the kitchen woman" that's all my mother seemed to do and i hated that "traiditonal" role marriage that they had so i rebelled but now i embrace that part of being a woman, a person

2. i am EXTREMELY protect of my brothers...extremely...i have told women that they "were NOT to return to the house" because i didn't like what they did or said or didn't say when coming into my parents house....to this day i am still protective but i don't run my mouth like i used too

3. growing up i was always was a VERY blunt like to a fault...

4. i love sitting in the quite and doing absolutely NOTHING

5. i have a walk-in closet that i can't walk into...at all..its amazing i can even find half the stuff that i find...and that's AFTER i have given away 3 HUGE bags of clothes, etc this year

6. i change my comforter set every season...i like to change with the seasons...so normally i get a fall/winter and spring/summer...i know...so i give a lot of those away as well

7. i like have complete darkness and silence to sleep

8. when i am DEAD tired i snore like a grown man...HA!

9. i HAVE to shower at least 2 a day...

10. i miss my friends, a LOT...seems like we are all just living life and get caught up in the day t day...and i miss my girls and my homeboys too...

11. my patience is being tested right now...BIG things still in the works but they are taking longer than i thought

fog

have you ever been in a place in your life where you just feel like nothing makes complete sense? like you are fighting to figure it all out and truly get your feet on solid ground?
like you are going through your day to day life, constantly moving and shaking and moving and shaking...but that's just it...you are just doing...

everyday you get up you and you go and you go

but its not like its YOU...you are living this outer body experience...

that's how i feel right now...

like i don't know who i am...i don't know what makes me tick...

here i am 28 years old and i don't know who i am...

i do but i don't...again its like me putting my feet on solid ground...and I have to do that, like i totally have to get comfortable in MY OWN SKIN its just weird

i am not comfortable with myself right now, i have so many moves that i am trying to make at one time and there are so many things that are up in the air right now, that i am learning patience and i am learning to love myself flaws and all...and its just taking a lot of time and effort on my part, and time and effort that i haven't had this past month because i have been sick on and off...from a cold to an allergic reaction that ended me up in the hospital on Monday...so now i am tired because when your body breaks out in hives you can't sleep because your body just hurts...

man i want a piece of cake...(oh that was random)

so i am still eating better but i am NOT depriving myself....i am exercising and going to do it all natural way, you know not starving myself but just eating right and exercising...i have my weight goals but whats most important is that ME, myself gets alright with ME...and that i am healthy inside and out...

i can't even imagine me going through all of this and even thinking about dating...i don't even have enough time for myself, NONE for even for someone else...

its totally a GREAT thing that i know that though...like i know that i don't have that space or energy, i don't even have the time, space or energy for myself...

again does that make sense??? is there anyone out there in the world that can relate...maybe you can, maybe you can't...

i know i am totally all over the place i totally know...but i am fighting, fighting everyday to find the TRUE me...meaning the woman i have grown to be, and the woman that has grown or continues to grow from her experiences...so step by step i am going to make it...

yea i am about to have a "me" day...doing nothing but a couple of store runs and then i am totally going to chillax out...i may not even talk to anyone on the phone...i think i just need some quite for a while...

ummmm not so much...

yea so i am not so much in a good mood...

maybe because i am tired and cranky and i started my 5 day cleanse so the ONLY thing i am eating is fruits and veggies, with a VERY limited amount of chicken and fish.

The only thing i am drinking is water...

so here is the THING i know that i NEED to do it because i have been traveling ALL year long and not eating and sleeping right, and my face, weight and all that has suffered because of it...

but i miss my donuts and my chiptole and all the things i can't have and i know i shouldn't want to eat i want to eat like RIGHT NOW!

just cutting out juice & tea alone will save me what dag on near 500 calories a day...and i know this but man it sucks...

THEN my mom was like "let's cut out starches for the next month or so" why did i say YES...no rice, no pasta, no bread (NOW clearly all of these things are the things that go RIGHT to my hips so i need to cut back on that anyways but geeze)

then i have decided NO red meat or pork...but i can't give up my sausage links so imma have to just let that go...

all of this is so that i can develop a healthy lifestyle for myself, that includes eating right, exercising, sleeping right

all of that on top of the normal maintenance that us ladies must keep up nails, toes, hair...you know the regular...

so i am not in the best of moods...i am hungry here this pretty much says it all:

hopefully my funk won't last to long...but its been for a couple of weeks now...here and there

okay now back to your regularly scheduled programming...

paper trail...

from one tip to another TIP i must say that this album has been speaking to me in more ways than another..

i have always been a hip hop girl...i was bumping albums that most females wouldn't...i can still free style with the best of them...HA!

seriously though, i was in the HAM this weekend (that's Birmingham, AL for those who don't know...the real A as i call it) kickin it with my cousin's and basically as i was in the car he was playing this record...it was an instant connection between the two of us...

every song (except for whatever you like-i still don't understand the whole "it ain't tricking if you got it" mentality...YET at the same time, I man doesn't want to be "captain save a hoe" and wants someone who is independent...yea i can't call that one) he and i were connecting...

being through one hell of a summer from a break up to career decisions that have left me truly understanding that EVERYTHING you do good or bad will truly come back to you...to one of my former Kiamsha students being shot and killed to my 20 year old nephew drunk driving and hitting a tree in VA and totalling his car, lucky to even still be alive to watching my father continue to go down hell in terms of his health to seeing my mother retire and knowing that she and my dad will soon be moving away and my best friends will no longer be 20 mins from me...

yea its been a whirlwind of sorts for me and that is what makes me stronger i think though...i didn't realize what or how much strength i really had...but now i can see that i am stronger than i ever thought...

"GOD will take you through hell just to get you to heaven"

no i think we put our own selves in hell and he pulls us out and helps us get to heaven...

GOD doesn't want us to hurt ourselves or to be put through unnecessary changes, we do that all with our "i got this" mentality...we ain't got NOTHING...so many times we are seeking the face of ourselves through the superficial things when we should be seeking the face of GOD...think about it..

anyways...GOD and i both are working through this "meantime" experience that i am having right now...i don't want or feel the need to date, i feel the need to date myself put all of my energy, love, patience and kindness, all of that into ME...

yes people for once in my life i am going to be totally and utterly selfish and not worry about anything other than myself!

now don't get me wrong i still love the kids and i still love my village (Kiamsha family, friends and family) that is in my life and i will definitely keep doing what i gotta do for them folks...but i want to love myself and be truly and utterly about myself you dig...

check this out: "Love is the only thing we need. Love is our peace. Love is out joy, health, and wealth. Love is our identity. We go into a relationship looking for love, not realizing that we must bring love with us. We must bring strong sense of self and purpose into a relationship. We must bring a sense of value, of who we are. We must bring excitement about ourselves, our lives and the vision we have...." In the Meantime, by Iyanla Vanzant

i can say i have never been a HUGE Iyanla Vanzant fan, but i will tell you this, this book is a good way to sort through a meantime experience, figuring it all out...

here is the deal...other than when i am traveling, i am happy! (thankfully i don't have to travel for work for the rest of the year) and at peace...there is a joy and a stability in my life right now...I am basically making moves-solid calculated moves to live MY life to the utmost and the fullest...the thing i like about the above passage is that it doesn't focus on anyone other than YOU the person and what YOU must first do to for yourself

...and that's LOVE YOURSELF and be EXCITED in WHO YOU are!

that's the greatest thing right there...being happy and whole with YOU as a person...and that's what imma do...despite the fact that my madea said to me in the first two minutes of me being there "oooohhhh you done got fat and what happened to your hair..." or when i was living she said to me "my fat sweet baby" CLASSIC! but it was cool just hanging with her...can't go to Alabama and be that close and not go see the grannies...but its all love...i am working on being a "size healthy" that's all that matters and being happy with MYSELF and MY own weight, she like everyone else, will always have their own opinions so you know you take it with a grain of salt and keep it moving...you know...

simply put we only have this ONE life, so no matter what you do, you gotta live that joker to the absolute fullest!!!

know that karma is REAL and whatever you put out into the universe will return back to you...

so when you are making that paper trail, make sure its one that full of joy and peace and of course love

disperse

pretty much the song of the moment for me...



"cause worse come to worse....my peoples come FIRST"

period that's how it is...and my peoples knwo who they are

liberation

what's the true meaning of liberation...

to be freed from what? half the time its to be liberated from yourself and your own "box" of thoughts that you surround yourself with or in...

terrible thing one's thoughts can be

i know that my thoughts have been getting the best of me more than usual lately...

i must admit that i have been thinking and re-thinking conversations and interactions-just things

i wonder why the ind tends to do that...go back and forth over past events...all it does is punish you...i have already reflected and i am learning but i am thinking that my mind is just processing...it all started last week when i went out of town...it was the first trip that i went on "single" in a long time...so it was weird...i am glad its over with done...

you know how it is when you start getting back into your life and every time you do something that you did with that person it takes you back a little bit...and i thinkthat happened....it also didn't help that i tend to feel extremely lonely when i am out of town for work...being the youngest person and the only person of color in the deep south did in deed take it toll...but it always seems to make me a stronger person...

then i came back only to be SICK...so i have been in the house since Thursday...i went to a work meeting and came back home and have been in the house ever since...here's the thing though...it doesn't bother me...

liberation is knowing that you are a good person but that your being a good person may not be enough for the person you want it to be good enough for...does that make sense? put it this way, i know a really good guy, i mean he is a really good guy, but he just isn't the good guy for me...just like i know that i may not be a good girl for someone else...you know...

liberation is knowing that no matter what you are striving to be the best person you can be and that your past does not define who you are, it just a chapter in your life a piece of your story...

liberation is loving yourself flaws and all

So is this right

You Are 5: The Investigator


You're independent - and a logical analytical thinker.
You love learning and ideas... and know things no one else does.

Bored by small talk, you refuse to participate in boring conversations.
You are open minded. A visionary. You understand the world and may change it.

At Your Best: You are sharp, inventive, and creative. You have the skills to lead the world.

At Your Worst: You are reclusive, weird, and a bit paranoid.

Your Fixation: Greed

Your Primary Fear: Being useless or incompetent

Your Primary Desire: Being competent and needed

Other Number 5's: Bill Gates, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Bjork, and Stephen Hawking.

UPDATE:

so i took the quiz again and now it says i am an individualist...it can definitely be both i am a total combination
You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy

Your Primary Fear: To have no identity

Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

ready to go...

yep i am ready to go
ready to come home
me and texas' relationship needs to come to an end
it started off rather rocky
it did get better with some shopping in town (yes the same racist town from the post below)
but the people in the shops were nice (i love finding one of a kind pieces)

so much in this topic that i am listening to right now, is BLOWING me...yea so i am obese according to the numbers...man society doesn't really has us jacked up

definitely need to be healthy, and live a healthy lifestyle (eating right, exercise) just being healthy

small doesn't necessarily = healthy and recent studies have shown that

anyways...

CLEARLY being away from home for 5 days seems to be my limit...i have actually liked the place we are staying although i had to fuss so that we didn't get chicken for dinner last night, it would have made it night #3 for chicken...yea how bout NO...these people would have gone off and on ME because of that...

yea doing trainings meaning logistics and actually training is a lot...

but okay another issue is that i don't get credit but whatevs...

remember the four agreements:
1. be impeccable with your word
2. don't take anything personally
3. don't assume (always ask questions)
4. always do your best

i try to live by those agreements daily on top of the normal day to day moral guidelines that my family raised me with ( you know Bible knowledge)

its amazing how it all links together

maybe families wouldn't come because you talk down to them...anywho

then you have to deal with "how's the boyfriend?" LOL
actually that wasn't that hard as you would think since i am genuinely a happy person and happy in my life so to say its over doesn't bother me

you know who i have been thinking about lately...my college boyfriend...ni seems to think that something is wrong...i hope not, he is just on my mind...

i have also realised that none of my ex's are "the one" at least not in my mind...like since the break-up i have been doing inventory, because like i have said time and time again you must take personal stock and reflect on your role in the situation...well not only have i been thinking about this past situation but ALL my past situations because i am really at the point where i want to
1. make better/wiser choices in relationships
2. i really want my life to be peaceful and happy

that's the funny thing my life number is 2 which in short is for peace...

i journal all day yesterday...its really therapeutic...

okay this is long enough

oh my plans-all that are definitely coming together

from my fingers to HIS ears

racism is STILL alive...part (whoknows)

so as my co-worker (who is white) went to breakfast at the Bourne Cafe & Grill this morning for breakfast we didn't know we would be walking into 1955...

CLEARLY it was a "white ONLY " establishment even though those words were not written on the doors...

we walked in placed our order and proceeded to sit there while at least 5 other orders (which were placed after ours)

as soon as we sat down it was like i was in an alien on the planet we call earth...i mean you could cut the tension with a knief it was totally insane...it was the most uncomfortable feeling.

i don't think i have experienced such a feeling like this in my adult life...i texted some people with my outrage and my mentor said "use your training" yea that's WAY easier said than done! I didn't act a fool or anything when the orders got backed up my co-worker went and asked about it...i mean i wasn't going to go up to them and teach them about the african-american experience and teach them about me and my culture and how ignorant they are/were being...keeping my composure was their lesson that all black folks don't act a fool and that we don't run away from ignorant ish either...


had i not pre-paid we probably would have left the place...but i am glad we didn't we sat and talked about work and talking about business...

lesson learned never run away from racism you stand tall and show and prove
she and i both were upset...of course i didn't let it get to me, but still it wasn't the best way to start my full day off...

i got engaged last night....

he got down on one knee at my madea's house in Alabama...in her kitchen, just me and him

he was tall and like a caramel color...it was sweet, it was personal, it was just me and him in the kitchen, it was i think early morning because not soon after everyone started getting up and coming for breakfast...all of my family was there including my parents so it must have been something going on...i got engaged!

seriously i did!

well in my dream anyways...

the dream was soooooooooooo real...

here is the thing i remember a couple of things from the dream that stand out:

1. i was at peace and truly happy

2. we made a date right then and there, initially i proposed 09-09-09, but his brother was in the service and he stated that wouldn't work being so close to the anniversary of 9-11 he wouldn't be able to "view" the services from over seas so we picked 10-10-10...

but there were 2 things that stand out that were OFF:

1. he didn't ask my father for my hand in marriage (i am a FIRM believer in this tradition of having my parents bless my union so you gonna ask)

2. my mother was TOTALLY against it...she never said why, and before i could get an answer from her

what is so totally ironic about this entire situation is the fact that i just had a conversation with Mama C the other evening about the fact that i don't' know if marriage and kids is really for me...yea i know completely shocking right...especially when a couple months ago i was stating that i felt like my greatest accomplishment would be to be a mother and a wife...and its not that i don't love children or believe that there are good men out there...because i know there are...

yes as this month's Essence shows, men do in fact cheat...but so do women, people in general cheat...

the one thing i know for sure about when people cheat, its normally because of their own issues weather it be self-esteem, the control/power over cheating, fulfilling some superficial "wanting" or even communication (not communicating needs to their partner and just going elsewhere)..whatever the case is, it usually doesn't have anything, majorly, to do with the partner...because if you are that miserable then you LEAVE you don't cheat...

i have also learned that monogamy is a CHOICE and it doesnt' mean that you don't still find other's attractive it just means that you CHOOSE to not act on that...you choose to be faithful and loyal, its a choice a choice that you make on a daily basis...

i know that personally i am not even thinking about a relationship let alone marriage...i may be a wife in waiting, but here's the thing i am not waiting...

i have some personal goals some things that i need to get done and i am working to make those things happen for me in my life, and they are indeed happening, slowly but surely i am living for me and making some things happen and again i am really happy...

so although the ring was beautiful and the proposal was so sweet (never how i personally imagined, like at a family cookout-him going up and stopping the music) it was what was beautiful between he and i...

a lesson to take would be that its the special moments, although not as "i" would imagine-how they are supposed to be...

Optimistic

you know a lot of times in life, the day to day can sometimes get to you...

or try to get to you i'll say...

people can sometimes get to you...you know taking things personally and coming at you as if you are the person who is deliberately doing something "behind their backs" when clearly it isn't that we are doing something behind their backs...becasue CLEARLY you are just trying to do your job as well, or maybe you are just trying to live the best life you can live too, or maybe you are just trying to be a better person...

so what do you do...don't take it personally...as hard it may sound...

when life gets crazy and sometimes extremely hectic for us you know its best to keep pressing forwrad and to be optimistic about it all...

becasue you know what at the end of the day, as long as YOU know you did your best, you gave your all, and you did it whole heartedly without any malicous...you can look in the mirror and sayI can only be me...and smile...then no worries

life is good, its just a matter of picking your battles...picking yourself and brushing yourself off, and continuing to see life for what it is...half full, at least most of the time

The TRUTH

being happy...

that's how i feel...how i been feeling a lot lately

i think it has to do with me really i mean really coming into my own and then i have so many WONDERFUL friends around me that are doing so many wonderful things and its totally inspiring...i mean to watch others around me, so positive, so forceful, so strong, so confident, in their own talents...

ni: a teacher...teaching kids 8th grade science...she is one of those people you WANT to teach your kid because she is such a compassionate person, she really wants to and will FIGHT with them kids to get them to learn something...she is enjoying life and making moves

li: up and moved to TX...just her...and is working and doing the dag on thing...you know how strong you gotta be to move a 2 days drive away from your family because you know that, TX is the place you need to be right now to do what you need to do for yourself-now that's brave

mo: another one, got a promotion, took the class, about tomove cross-country to make her dreams happen...working hard and playing hard is her thing, and she is making it work

the new mrs: my homegirl, mother of my twin god-sons..wife, mother, full time worker...i sat in their house saturday and watched her and her family interact, her washing clothes, playing with the boys, laughing and joking with her hubby...good stuff

kc: following her dreams...working a job, rehearsing, hustling, doing her thang, whatever it takes to make her dreams come true...singing, singing and performing and its not about the record deal its about the art, she truly works hard and haves fun doing it

jas: flying all over the country singing, perfomring, making moves and connections...never letting the stumbling blocks get in her way...constantly on the go just grinding to make her dreams come true

ki: married, child, and held down the fort while her husband served his country over seas...of course she had her moments, but she held it DOWN for her family...no matter WHAT she held it down...kept him focused on his job so he could come home and he'll be home this week

jac: working in the NYC...doing the thing for a company she loves doing what she went to school for and loving it! (not many of us can say that) and all the while being a fashioista

jcroft: is working for the presidental campaign!!!! WHAT we are on our way to the white house!

p: working full time, going back to school full time...about to move and doing things that people would love to do...traveling seeing the world and truly making a difference in the lives of her people!

my ls': getting married, having children...working, being stay at home mothers, in medical school, getting master degree's, buying homes, moving across country...i mean really if that isn't what power is i don't know what is...

my kiamsha family: i have such an extended family full of such wise and wonderful people. my mentors keep me grounded, keep me prayed up, keep me sound...one of them said to me on saturday "you have really grown in these last five years, you have really come into your own" i don't think she knows what those words meant to me, but they did indeed mean the world...then the younger brothers and sisters coming up that have graduated from college are just so dynamite its like WOW you guys are so strong and amazing...

my homeboys (ad, mc, sm): working, getting their masters, homeowners, into the word...again, making moves and doing right, honest, loyal, faithful men...


my blog sistahs: writing books, poetry, moving out on their own, facing fears taking chances, some are even falling in love!

this is just the surface of what is going on around me...

so many strong, wonderful, smart, impassioned, brave, inspiring people...

my plans for the next two years are going to take a little longer than expected but i am still pumped I am still totally happy about what is coming my way...because its all a lesson, its all about patience, doing things RIGHT not just right now...learning what I really want as a person, a human being, a woman, a sistah...

and no matter what bumps may come my way...i know i'll be okay

i am happy and you know its because i am cool with me...really cool with me...like really really cool...
my size, my hair, my imperfections, my flaws, my spirit, my soul

i feel full of joy
i feel empowered
i feel full of knowing who i am and whose i am
i feel like i am growing into my TRUE self and my TRUE purpose
i have learned SO much this year about what love is, and isn't
about what priorities are and are not
about what is real and what is fake
about justice
how patience is a truly a virtue
and how having confidence can shine through your very spirit just like not having confidence can...
i am who i am and i can only be who i am going to be...there isn't much more to life than that...
and for that i will NOT apologize