Tuesday, November 11, 2008

An open letter

i guess the best way to start this letter off is by saying:

i forgive you!

yes you!

for all the times you let me down, when you said you were down to go somewhere or do something. for when you said you were ready to grow together and you really weren't...

for all the times you lied and hide the truth from me...told me one thing because it was easier not because it was REAL...

said you were IN love with me but you really weren't because you really didn't know me, who i was, what i felt, what my dreams were, who i had been, who i wanted to be

for manipulating my dreams of wanting to be a wife and mother and allowing me to settle for the things you KNEW you couldn't give because you didn't know who you were...

for looking real life and the real deal RIGHT IN THE FACE and turning a blind eye because subconsciously you knew i didn't want to be alone...

for allowing me to ignore my inner "self" and wisdom and just be DUMB

for all the times that you let me eat things i shouldn't, down myself and as i shouldn't...hurt myself emotionally when i shouldn't...

for letting me look in the mirror and let me not think i was pretty enough, strong enough, or worth enough

for allowing me to compare myself to other women...tall-short-light-brown-beautifully dark-smaller-not so smaller-thicker...and never feel good enough

for allowing me to always chase the BIG NICKLE wanting to be more than i was or better yet to be what i THOUGHT I SHOULD BE...

for crying over things i had no control over and never telling me to stop...

for ignoring and sometimes even denying my talents

for never giving me enough credit and at times being extremely hard on me

for keeping personal and family secrets bottled up for years because you worry so much about what others may think

for not allowing me to be me, because of what others may or may not think...not dressing, expressing, fully who i am based on the "worlds opinion"

for allowing me to blame myself when it wasn't ME or even sometimes YOU to blame just the circumstances for what it was...and not saying to me...its okay it just is...

for allowing me to fake the funk when it was just that funk

the list could go on and on...but i guess what i am trying to say is simply

i forgive YOU because you is really ME

because I MUST CHOSE ME

8 comments:

Kep said...

Powerful stuff. Living with my mom for the first time since I was 5 or younger, has been an interesting experience. I'm learning things about myself that I didn't know or wouldn't admit were there because I see her do it and find myself saying things to her that others say to me. One is a quote from one of our conversations, "It's easy to look from the outside looking in and say that such and such is supposed to happen, but you're not there." Believe it or not, I do listen in our conversations, and it's why I can still consider you my mentor in a lot of ways. Much I can learn from you.

Anyway, the motivation behind that quote is an example of how hard I can be on others. And I finally figured out why: Because I'm so hard on myself. The Bible says "love your neighbor as yourself" is the second greatest commandment and "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you" in another context. Until I learned to forgive myself, allow myself the room to be human (not sinning or anything, just not being able to think of everything all the time). . . as I learned to do these things with myself, it made it easier to do it with other people. Being easier on others; taking into account the place of their backgrounds in how they deal with the world, their strengths as well as weaknesses, etc.; has actually helped me be easier on myself as well.

But yeah, forgiving self makes it a whole lot easier to forgive others. I think all of this makes sense out of the statement that you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first. . . because you don't know how to. Wish I'd understood that at the beginning of my last relationship, but, hey. . . you live you learn. :-)

In other news, as I'm learning from my mother what I've been guilty of, let me work on the area of not giving people compliments without being followed by criticisms: I've always admired and aspired to the honesty and selflessness with which you'll put your business out there in order to help the youth you work work. It takes a lot of strength and heart to do that. Just thought I'd let you know.

Oh and in response to the Obama entry (if I didn't respond already: "Hallelujah, Barack!"

Peace,
Kep.

PreciousGem-Refinement in Progress said...

OMG!!!!!! Wow..this is powerful. And that right there, my friend is why I love you. I was looking for a quick distraction from my homework and I got this, so beautifully human. YOU ARE FORGIVEN. "There is no condemnation".

Peace

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

yep, we must even forgive them that are foul - proud words u spojke/wrote sister

Kiana said...

AMEN!

Trapped-n-my-Thoughts said...

Very Deep!!!!

Jenn Will said...

I appreciated this. We often hold ourselves to such an impossible, impossible standard, one that we would never really expect anyone else to adhere to.
Good for you giving yourself a break, cutting yourself some slack and reveling in your imperfections. Its the imperfections that make us so delightful. :)

T.C. said...

at everybody: thank you all for your positive comments...

Kep thanks so much for always reminding me that i am wanted around...i appreciate your appreciation...its not so much about telling my business but more as Precious stated, that i am beautifully human and if my job is to be a mentor then my job is to share not just tell you but share with you so that you all can truly grow..

we do hold ourselves to a high standard and we should be we shouldn't beat ourselves up or anyone else for that matter...the key to it all is learning how to meet and love people where they are...that's what all good leaders do...that's what MLK did, Gandhi, and Jesus...

we are all no better or no worse than the next person...we are all children of GOD...that's the key right there...

as i have said before but finally get i am really perfect in my imperfections...

MysTery said...

Love this, reminds me of a poem I wrote or am writing...something! lol