ti RED

it doesn't make any sense how tired i am right now
NONE what so ever
absolutely does NOT

i am tired

so tired
i am seeing RED

i need these next 4 hours to zoom past
go so fast that i look up and its 2

working all week long
yes you read that correct!
working Christmas eve
on christmas
AND
acting like its nothing new and going and doing all things holiday with family friends has me tiRED
AND
i still need to wash and start packing for my family because we leave for his folks house on Friday
*deep sigh*
i need a bREAK
an absolute BREAK
that includes absolutely NOTHING

but a beach and i don't even like the beach

LOL

this is a lot

everything i needed

NOPE
this will NOT be another post about love and marriage and motherhood and all things flowers and roses and sunshine and butterflies

WHY?
because i realize how i am becoming all the women that THIS tumbler page is talking about

and some of the things she says on this page at one point or another i have thought, ok not most things, but still it makes the point

but NOW i am that married woman, with a kid, that thinks everyone wants to hear about it

*side eyeing myself* TWICE

i mean i am SURE people read my blog posts and some folks like it and comment
but i am almost sure other people have come and said, well what in DA HECK happened to her?

if it wasn't no love life
now its been all about the love life
being engaged
getting married
and being sick

geesh

*side eye again of EPIC proportions*

i constantly have funny things to discuss but honestly recently it all revolves around my husband, my son, my job and the rest is just plain ignant and it shouldn't be said out loud
why?
because the lawd is still working on me
HA
that's my truth

anyTways
i sat and just went through literally 11 pages of the above tumbler page and said
OMG that's me
I am that married, mom who seems to ONLY talk about those things
FOR SHAME

i was going to blog today about losing my former last name and how traumatic that was for me
then i thought well others maybe can't wait to do that, and who really cares but me
then i was going to blog about my son coming home last night after a week
but then that's really not interesting to anyone other than me who missed him like crazy, and wrapped presents like a crazy woman last night so everything would be done for him when he came home
but again, WHO CARES OTHER THAN ME!

geesh

i guess i just need to find a balance of this new life and continuing to find things that truly interest ME and make me move....
hmmmmm
what makes me move though?
right now, its in fact my family
but i gotta find myself again
i am T A C D
not just T or a C or a D
i am all 4 names, initials or WHATEVERRRRRRR

other than work
home
him
and him
what the HECK am i doing with myself anymore

there's still some Kiamsha stuff
but really i have just been focused on my household

its important
its what moves me
its special

but geesh
what the HECK else do i have going on

in short

i need to get me some business

really i do!

a man's commitment

so last night when i was at a table of women at an event called "tea & treats"

i had an AH HA moment of epic portions

men do NOT fully commit to any woman until they make her their WIFE

i'll repeat that again

MOST MEN are NOT going to fully commit themselves to a woman until she becomes his WIFE

so then that posses the question or several:
 why do women give EVERYTHING to a man before marriage? do we do it because our sense of commitment starts with the initial notion of exclusive or bf/gf? do we think if we aren't giving our all that we won't ever get to marriage?

i personally think its the fact that we believe in our hearts that in order to even GET to marriage we have to give all that we have to the man we decide to be with.
well again why?
because most of us don't date to date, we date to marry
that's what we were taught
so we give everything we have to the man that we allow in our lives

back to the ah ha

last night when i got home from the event, i asked my husband was my assessment correct
and his answer was in short YES
now for those that don't know our story my husband and i dated from 1999 to early 2005 and then got back together in 2010

me: does a man not fully commit until he gets married?
him: huh?
me: a man doesn't fully commit himself to a woman until he marries her?
him: YES a man doesn't give his all until he is married
me: Why?
him: because i may give  to a woman, as a man i may do for a woman, but as a man i would NEVER do for a woman  like i am going do for and give to my wife, my WIFE gets all of me, everything i have above and beyond, a man doesn't just give his all to any woman
me: so not even a girlfriend or fiance
him: NO its not until you become my WIFE that i will give you EVERYTHING i have, it's just not going to happen
me: well did you always know i was going to be your wife?
him: Yes

well dag on sir you may have saved a many of my single girls a lot of worry with that one answer!

he wasn't talking about cheating or any of that, he's not saying that if you have a bf/fiance he's going to do him
NO
i am not talking about cheating or expecting a man to do him unless he's your husband
what i am talking about is the heart to heart connection, the vulnerability, the spiritual connection, the acts of service, being totally engrossed and into this ONE person, a man doesn't do any of that until he gets married, where we as women give ALL those things to the man we are with, we are in the relationship with because we can SEE the end game of marriage so to get there we think we have to do and give all of that BUT a man, he won't even THINK of giving all of that to a woman unless she is in fact HIS WIFE

I will say, our relationship, though ALWAYS close has NEVER been as close and as intense, as open and honest as it has been since we have gotten married. There are things i have learned about this man in the last 2 months that i didn't know in the last 12/13 years. there is an openness that we share that allows him to pretty much tell me what a man truly thinks and feel, specifically what he thinks and feels

when a man decides to get MARRIED his mind goes to another level in terms of what commitment means and stands for

so then that leads to the question, how will anyone EVER get married if BOTH people aren't fully vulnerable and ready to give their all until the make it AFTER the alter

well you court!
that's the answer
you develop a friendship and discover your similarities and grow to like one another
you determine early on if you two are able to work together or not
if NOT you move on
because you weren't completely vulnerable with this person, it will allow you to discern early on if this will work or not and allow your heart to heal more easily

now if everyone is doing this, how many folks are you courting before you move on?
it shouldn't be that many!
why because you LISTEN to yourself early on, you pay attention to the flags as you chit chat and you allow folks to disqualify themselves, because a man will tell you and show you his intentions from the beginning

i honestly could have saved myself a couple of hard situations to get over had i known this, because looking back and now knowing this i know they weren't even interested in being MY husband, totally could be for someone else but definitely not for me

these are just my thoughts
its easier said than done
its hard out here dating
and with all the ups and downs we have had i was truly fortunate to marry someone i have known since i was a young woman who truly was willing to work with me and love me for me, flaws and all

that's another AH HA moment

he said he ALWAYS knew i was supposed to be his wife

a man knows, and when he knows, sometimes it may take a while to get there (5 years apart in my case), but he'll come for YOU the woman
HE will come for YOU

so in short: women could save themselves a LOT of heartache if we learned to reserve our full hearts, minds, bodies and spirits for husbands the way men reserve things for their wives
What do you think?

DISCLAIMER: when i refer to us/we in terms of women in this post I am talking about the women in MY life, including myself, this is NOT to be a blanket statement for all women everywhere. ALSO, these are MY thoughts and not inclusive to ALL MEN, some men can give and be totally vulnerable and open to a woman who isn't their wife

the power in prayer

a lot of times we don't tend to really pray until our backs are against the wall

i am no different

yesterday, while sitting at work and reading "the power of a praying wife" the resounding theme behind praying wasn't praying for your husband to do this or that

but praying that YOU, I, the WIFE began with praying for yourself to change

so many times its
well if he would just listen more
if he would just be more affectionate
if he would focus more
if he would have more initiative around the house
if he did.... you fill in whatever your issue is with your husband

but the reality is, in order for things to change you must first begin with you!

most times when you have issues with your husband you have a spirit of resentment, anger, or whatever your issue is
and when you have those issues is

YOU ARE BLOCKING CHANGE

so how do you unblock change with starting with yourself
a husband may be more inclined to do more, be more affectionate, do more around the house, when you are in fact a little sweeter a little nicer more considerate of his time and space

am i changed over night?
ahhhhh NO

NOT AT ALL

but i DO recognize where things start with me because i can only control myself and i can only PRAY that he turns to the most HIGH for direction and wisdom to deal with me and our family and with understand the man/husband he can be

and once you pray about all of this, the power of peace you feel is completely amazing
i recommend it there is truly power in prayer

randomNess

i aint gon lie
i am glad that election is over
when you work in a place where apart of your job is to watch the news
and ALL you see all day every day is footage about the elections
debates
commercials
when it's over you are glad

and now that it's his last 4 years, hopefully the administration will stop walking lightly and make some hard decisions that will benefit the country

one thing i will say is that racism is still alive and if this election didn't show that to you, i don't know what rock you are living under
not just racism
sexism
ageism

all isms came to the forefront

it is what it is

glad it's over

one of the cute things though was that yesterday was our one month anniversary and we spent our 2 1/2 hours in line waiting to vote, together!  that was cool

my parents always went and voted together, and they always took us with them, it was like this is your right and your duty, my parents grew up during the movement, especially my mom, being from Alabama and my great aunt and uncle were IN the movement, the level of social consciousness was always something they made sure we knew

my parents live IN Alabama and although its a "red" state they still voted! my husband's home state of NJ is normally a red state and it went blue, they thought VA would go red and it went blue, i will say if anything that should show people the importance of voting no matter WHAT history or patterns show
your vote matters

we celebrated our first month anniversary

still married

working to find the time to bond and make it work

definitely enjoying this time

i have been home from work the last two days

this thyroid storm is kicking my behind!

today it's me and the lil guy, i know one thing for sure, it's the hardest thing in the world to know your child is sick and you can't do anything but make them comfortable and give them the meds and hope they feel better and just keep them indoors

it's a lot

but it's well worth it

when you see them happy and healthy

i think i want to change jobs
i like where i am at and what i do
and the security of the job makes it difficult to think about just leaving esp having a family
but i want something more flexible i'd love to be able to work from home

i also need to really think about my event planning business
i did our wedding mainly there is still a lot i can learn and do to make my visions even better
but i want to do something

we all have gifts and i need to tap into mine

we need to really figure out our purposes in live and come up with our visions

we all have a purpose in this life and we need to have the courage to fulfill it!

609: it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

was first said by Charles Dickens in his written work A Tale of Two Cities

and that's how i can describe the year 2012 thus far and what seems to look to be the rest of the year

Let's recap
we got engaged at the end of 2011
my MLK weekend we had a venue, colors, i had my dress, and we had our bridal party set
by feb we had flowers and invitations
and my future mother-in-law had undergone minor heart surgery but ended up back in the hospital due to a blood clot
we finally got save the date pictures done in march for DC
his grandfather's health declines and by June we have lost him
by July i am in the hospital and diagnosed with graves disease
BUT
by october we are married
and then two weeks later i am going through what is considered a thyroid storm and will have to either have radiation or surgery
go here to learn more if interested

so yes
it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

we are coming up on one month of marriage and with my health issues and other adjustments i won't lie and say it's been complete and total bliss
that's kind of hard when you wake up one day and look like you've been in a fight with said spouse, which is what happened one day two weeks ago...black eyes aren't cute and neither is a face that looks like a pizza cutter
but we look at the wedding pictures daily and the DVD almost daily and it was THE best day ever and that feeling and the feelings that i have for WHY we got married are there
the vision of him dancing with his mom who has major medical issues
the vision of me dancing with my dad who has major medical issues
is just simply beautiful!
and those memories are priceless

but true to form
life has happened, just like when we got engaged
we didn't have this bliss period
we got engaged and BAM real life stuff happened
and true to form we got married and BAM real life stuff is happening

the hardest part is just dealing with it all

the ironic thing is when you have graves you aren't supposed to stress but CLEARLY with all that has gone on, one can't help but to stress

i can say that i can't see myself being able to deal with or getting through any of this with anyone other than my husband
(ya'll peep that I got a husband, HA!)
we've been there from the beginning with everything and we will continue to be there for one another

j.a.j said it best in this blog post she said: "the wedding day IS the happy ending. Look at all the movies and fairy tales we see. That's usually how it ends. Because from that day forward, is the beginning of a life full of work and tolerance"

marriage is beautiful
i am happy to be married
i am happy to be a wife and a mother
and in a bubble where the world wouldn't be happening i'd be even happier because it would be "easy"
but when the real world happens, the fairy tale ends and reality sets in

i am just happy to have someone by my side who has VOWED to go through that reality with me, that's the aha moment
no it's not the fairytale but the partnership makes the ability to deal with reality, well for lack of a better word, a reality

wedding invoice

so still being on our wedding high

a thought just crossed my mind, well it briefly crossed my mind the night of, but it's crossed my mind again

should brides and grooms start invoicing people who don't attend the wedding but RSVP'd to do so?

let's break down a wedding cost shall we, just simply.

Say your wedding is $100 a plate/per person
and you have 10 people who RSVP that don't attend, that is $1000 that you are OUT of that you could've kept in your pocket, and yes in the grand scheme of things you have to know that everyone may not attend and some people have serious emergencies or illnesses or whatever

but i am talking about those people who don't show up because they didn't like their outfit or woke up that morning not in the best of moods so they just don't attend, what about those people?

We had about ummmmmm 12 or so people NOT show up to our wedding that had RSVP'd
We also had 3 people (2 adults and 1 child-it was an ADULT ONLY reception so that's another post for another time) who just showed up! So ok we'll take those because that takes the lose down

but you still have a loss of about $1000

out of the 9 or so left (after the balance of folks left) we know of 2 people that had an emergency, that's it

So that's 7 other folks that could give us our money back, right?

just a question

we won't be sending out invoices to people regarding them not attending the wedding
it can be seen in bad form and you can assume that folks have whatever reason for not attending and the reality is that them not coming or not do we really have a "right" to say "excuse me we didnt' get married at the fire hall, i need my money back" again can be seen in pretty bad form

but it's a thought
and i know based on recent debates, radio shows and other blogs i am not the only bride that's had it

we are fortunate that most people showed and in the larger scale its a small loss
but a loss none the same

what y'all think?

we are not your priority anymore...

those were the words that just came out of my daddy's mouth
and those word pierced me to my soul
it's been us for all of my life
it's been them
they were my priority and i was ALWAYS theirs (besides their other children, but this is about us, me and them)

if you were at our wedding on that day you would have seen it
you could feel how much my parents adore me and how much i adore them

but my daddy just told me
'we are no longer your priority, your family is your priority, your husband, your son, and you, we are secondary now'

wow!

you learn the leave and cleave principle when you are in pre-marital counseling and you know that's the reality but to hear your parent say that its like wow who told you that!
nope
not trying to hear it

but it's the truth

the conversation started because i realized i have seen my mom every month since august and they were just here for 2 weeks and it made me realize just how much i need them around not just for me but for our family and so i said well i don't think i will wait until july to see you all and he was like

'save your money, invest in your house, invest in your household, we aren't priority anymore...your life has changed and i am ok with that'

again WOOOW who said you can feel that way daddy!
who said that was an OK feeling

but again it's reality

it's a wonderful feeling knowing that he approves of my husband and he knows everything we've been through and he still believes he's the one for me and he/they adore lil D that's their grandson
totally in love with him

so it's a good thing

it's a good thing that he's the man making me understand that these two men are the most important men in my life now

that's why no matter what, he's the greatest man and will always be, despite our arguments, our every misunderstanding, my parents have been my greatest teachers and i have great joy knowing that they aren't done with me yet

they want us to have 42 years like they have and they want us to succeed

now WE are our first priority
US
easy in theory
work in progress

today...two weeks in

today marks two weeks in
SN: i wonder at what you stop counting

he's working a double and the lil him has been home with me for the last two days because we have both been sick so we have been home just hanging around

today i decided to take the time to finish up a few things that i needed to get done
i finally finished up my thank you notes from my bridal shower
i had done the initial thank you notes to my bridal party and those who were apart of the planning process
but i really wanted to finish up all of the notes and get them out before we send out wedding thank you notes

i have also been taking the time to reach out to the women of my life and just stay connected
sometimes we tend to get wrapped up in our own lives so i just wanted to say HEY to some of my girls and just let them know that they were thought about and loved

i have also been taking the time to catch up on reading blogs and getting some food for thought on life
rereading cards
reading positive blogs
reading some passages in the book the power of the prayer wife

just really feeding my soul with positive vibes and conversation and love

i think that's one of the best things you can do as a woman is fill your soul with things that give you peace because a peaceful home makes for a peaceful life

and who doesn't want peace

i like this feeling

i haven't had days of nothingness is a long time where i could just sit and be still and just hush
and i have got to say that today has been a good day of it!

run this town

that's what we did on our wedding day/night

we ran b-more

the married life

and i'll be honest it's better than any life i could have thought

it's fun
it's peaceful

i think what it is, or i know what it is, when you get married all of these expectations or issues that you have on your shoulders are gone
it's a secure feeling
safety for a woman
loyalty for a man

the day of
we were both so happy
people have actually commented on just house happy we BOTH were
we concluded most grooms must not be genuinely happy or maybe not as happy
we don't get it

he and i were both extremely happy
like things went "wrong" it wasn't perfect but it was!
it was such a day full of love
everyone that mattered and was there for the most part was there out of or because of LOVE
sure some folks came to strictly speculate but most people were there because they loved us and wanted to celebrate our love

my co worker said "it was the joy in your wedding that made the night, i've been to a lot of weddings, and what i admired the most was that it was two whole people, coming together making whole love, and it wasn't just about the bride it was about you all coming together as a family"

it was like wow
it was everything we could have wanted and more...it wasn't just about me or just about him
it was about us, my co-worker even commented on how the wedding was clearly a joint effort it didn't just look like it was about the bride but it was clearly a lot of him in the room as well...
and all i could think was, well we planned the wedding together

at the end of the day, as long as i had something to wear and he was at the end of the aisle, that's all that mattered
it was truly about the three of us becoming a family
all the other wonderful things were wonderful bonuses

if you've read this blog for a while now than you know that i have had many of an up and down and finding myself over the years and truth be told i don't think i'll ever stop finding myself or stop having my insecurities about things such as weight or whatever
but one thing is for sure i am happy with who i am as a total package as a person
i am ok with the heart that i have and who am is such a wonderful gift and i know that now

my cousin also said to me he would get married when he found someone like me, that they don't make women like me and my friends
and i have said that before, that we aren't the norm and its interesting that someone else says that to me
but it's the truth
all of the women that i surround myself with are NOT the normal, we are good women
and i mean good women not just average good women, but above average, special women!

another wonderful thing was that my father, my daddy was able to walk me down the aisle and have his first dance with me, two/three years ago that might not have happened, he was just that sick, so to have him laugh and joke and smile just warmed my heart!

i feel a sense of peace and joy that i can't describe being a wife and a mom
not saying i am complete because i was definitely complete
well maybe i wasn't complete maybe that's the thing
maybe just maybe in order to find peace sometimes you have to be willing to share your life with someone else
if you truly believe that life is about sharing it with others and loving others
marriage may be for you

i always knew i wanted to get married
however, at one point i was ok with NOT getting married and i got comfortable with it
but then the one person who loves me more than i love myself even when i don't know why comes back into my life and its not easy and won't always be easy
but it is worth it

sharing your life with someone is a great gift from the Almighty
it's all worth it

married

i am now a married woman
i am still processing
i was calm
i was sure
i was happy
i had a blast

we are still taking it all in

i am married

9 days to go and a lesson about life

yesterday marked 9 days to our wedding day
pretty darn exciting right
and it is

but on the 9th day i went to see an old friend and mentor LJ

she is the Executive Director of my previous job and she has always had a special place in my heart

I was in my mid twenties when i started working there and really going through a rough patch in life

we spent so much time together traveling all over the country we developed a bond
she's a mentor for me and i her lil tc

we normally got together once a year, but since last year i haven't been able to "make the time" to visit with her

i was soooooooooooo busy running back and forth to Philly and being engaged and all these things that it took me a year exactly to see her again

and all i could do was think about all the time that i had missed

see LJ has terminal cancer
lung and spin

she's pretty sick
so sick i had to help her last night as she was having a bad day

i have seen cancer
i have seen sickness and death
and with those closest to me

so that doesn't bother me
i watched her
held her
cleaned it up and threw it away

that was easy for me
i helped my other mentor and her good friend LB clean up her bedroom

what is hard for me
was that i have missed being there for her from day one

sometimes there aren't things you can say via email or text

she did finally tell me right before my shower via a phone call because she needed to see me and hug me before our wedding

so on the 9th day i made the time
and it was time well spent

it was peaceful for me
all the stress of people and their demands and what they want the day of or from you

and all she wanted to do was talk
and all i wanted to do was listen

she lives in the city and has always been one of my fav places to go

i sat there on the couch next to her and we just talked
LB and  i ate
she couldn't

it was a good evening
she said i made her day

my lesson was that life will continue to happen
but is it happening TO you
or are you HAPPENING TO LIFE

are we making the most of life?

i know that if she were to go tomorrow she's been all over the world
she's loved
she's lived
she's mentored
she's poured back into those in her life

i think she's getting tired
she's in a lot of pain
she has no husband to take care of her
no kids to come and stay with her
she does have plenty of friends
and she is full
not empty for sure
but still...
it makes me understand just how much of a blessing just sharing life with someone is

she's still coming to our wedding
i told her well get a room at the hotel so you can come to the ceremony and then go upstairs and rest and come back down

and no matter how much pain or discomfort she feels right now
she said she wouldn't miss it for the world

that's love
not luv
love

so i will make time to spend with her
to check on her
to give her hugs
with what little time we have left together

i enjoy her and i became who i am because of her

there are so many people who have influenced my life

made me the woman i am today

and i am definitely still a work in progress

8 days to go and i am still working to make sure i am centered and ready for this next phase

giving me life

...right now the blogs on my blog roll are giving me life this morning.
being at work by 6am takes a LOT out you
so it's cool to come in and read things that make you laugh, and think or get a little sad
it's just nice to have feelings this early in the morning!
it's easy to just you know be a robot this early

another thing giving me life is the fact that i have realized and stated that we ARE getting married in 2 1/2 weeks

it's hard to explain so i won't try other than to say
in the last ummmm 10 months we have experienced the hospitalization of a parent, the death of a family patriarch, my hospitalization, my major health issues, moving in together, raising a child together, and paying bills together

all REAL life things that normally happen over time to people have happened to us during the length of our engagement, most people can't stay married to one another while going through these things, let alone engaged (when you still have an out per se)

neither one of us left
neither one of us took an out

so we had a breakthrough in counseling on Tuesday night, that YES we are in fact getting married in 2 weeks

i didn't even realize that wasn't obvious
either we were or we weren't going to get married, there was no pushing back the date it either was going to be or it wasn't

i think people get into relationships, engagements, and even marriage with expectations
all these expectations

no matter how much you think you don't or won't have them, something creeps in

i personally, thought it was supposed to be the "happiest time in my life" and full of joy and butterflies and all smiles

but it hasn't been for us
i think we actually have been thrown into what most people experience the first year or living together AND what they experience when they first have a CHILD
when you lose a loved one
sick parents

so it wasn't like anything i thought an engagement "would be"

but it's been REAL and HEAVY

and it's shown me that we can get through a lot of things that most people can't even imagine making it through

i am excited that we have said that we are getting through it all
i am excited that at the end of the day we both still WANT to be married to one another

that is a wonderful feeling
in spite of EVERYTHING that life throws your way, when you STILL you want to be with someone and more importantly THEY STILL want to be with YOU...

well that's real life love

....

i want to write something profound
something to make me feel right
but right now
i feel like i done fell left
left handed
left minded
leftest thinking
tired
thinking about this new track on my playlist
#amsterdam
real...to the day i am deceased and even then i live through these beats...
#dope
and i don't even do MMG all like that
it's like those inner city blues with those cashmere thoughts
a total contradiction to itself
that's how i feel a lot of times
i wonder if they going to give Teedra a real single other than singing backup
who knows....
last weekend was epic
yes epic
my shower was epic
my dress was epic
don't believe me

check this out

jaj did her thing right?

it's pretty cool to be surrounded by such awesome people!
you see me and my mommy at the end
and my BMs aren't they all cute?
it's a day i'll always remember!
They truly outdid themselves

it was LOVE

yea i'll end there

being a wife and mother

...there is something about those two words that bring me the greatest joy and the greatest fear that i've ever felt

the love and joy that you feel as a wife and a mother is something you can't put into words
you just can't

but it's also one of the scariest things i have ever felt
God does not give us a spirit of fear
but i have it
if they are gone and it's raining i just start praying
i am constantly praying for their safety and safe return home

as a wife i need to be a help mate and let him lead, even when i can't see the outcome
that is scary, because that means putting total trust in another human being, to do the right thing, or the best thing all the time...it requires a blind faith, that's why choosing a man of God is so important because i you are trusting in him, you have to trust that he's trusting in God and praying and meditating as much as you are
there's the fear of losing myself
i have been on my own for a long time
i have also always been the only girl and the youngest
so developing my own person, my own personality has been something that i have really worked hard to do

i have worked hard in life to get where i am
and to be ok where i am and now that process must start all over again
and add two please

two people

and the wanting to be a GOOD wife and i really mean being a GOOD wife
someone who is supportive and understanding
loving and gentle
firm but soft
warm and inviting
and strong but not overbearing

that's a lot of things for one person to be
i was raised by one of those women
but i fought so hard NOT to be this woman that depended on a man
and as a matter a fact
my parents BOTH raised me to NOT depend on a man
that not depending on a man, made me a tad hard and so a lot of the soft virtues that a wife and mother has to have are things that i am constantly in prayer about

now the other word MOTHER
that word
so beautiful
having a child love you, and love you like no other
yesterday i was upset, due to health issues wondering if i'll have another child...we have one beautiful little boy, but i have always wanted another child, and when seeing me cry, this little person, comes up to me and says, "it's ok mom, don't cry, what is it, does your stomach hurt" and begins to rub it
he's THREE!
that love you can't even put into words
but the worry
is he ok during the day
is he getting all he needs from the school he's in
is he warm
did he take his allergy meds
are kids being mean to him
like you have another person who you are completely and totally responsible for!
my mother was a GREAT example of that as well
and she was also great in that she made sure i was around other women who were GREAT at being a wife and a mother

it's one of those things, you just don't want to fail at
you can't fail at
but you have two other people who you have to work with and so you may fail at it
and failure has NEVER been an option for me

the fact that being a wife and a mother is partial under my control, but not totally is the "issue" if you will

i am excited!
it's a new phase in life
not a final phase
but the phase of who to love is over
the process of loving is always going be a journey

but life is a journey right, not the destination
it's about living right?

just going to do my best and use the next 45 days to pray and grow and dig deep into myself so that i am giving the best that i got!

ehhhhh

wish that's how i truly felt
but annoyed is more like it
i think i need to blog more just to, well say what is going on
i remember when blogging was at it's height between what 2006-2008
we would all communicate and share or not
but you felt a sense of community in blog land
people cared
friendships were built
all cyber but nonetheless built
some friendships didn't grow
some beef actually was established and people called out
but at it's height blogging was everything that was, well what us bloggers started blogging for in the first place

now things have changed and although some blogs stay true to what they started for
others have evolved into something else

and it's the right of the blog and the blog world to change
even my blog has changed and become more about love than trying to find love
or more about nothing since my blogging is so none consistent
everything is just all over the place

and that's how i feel right now
that it's all, all over the place

ehhhhh

been a min...randomness

it's been almost two months since i've blogged
a lot has happened
some good
some bad
some indifferent
hospital stays tend to be bad, my stay was indifferent, you just don't get rest in the hospital
you need to come home to rest
the good was that it was cancer
the bad it's still graves
reality is that i am on heart medication and therefore have to learn to not stress

HA!
i find that laughable when planning a wedding and being under 60 days to Wday
i find that laughable when there is a 3 year old running around that needs love, care, and the very best, it's true the love and joy and heartbreak and pain are one in the same for a parent
i find that laughable when i work where i work and i do what i do
that means that i may need to consider a career change
which will mean that i will probably need to really re-up my resume

i need a job that will allow me to work from home on at least a day a week

i haven't sat in the dark on my bed with just me and the laptop lady and music in a while
and i am digging it

raheem devaughn is currently playing...his first two albums are still classic to me
with so much going on the dark with just the lil light
with all the health changes have come a lifestyle change
i don't eat red meat or pork, but not it seems that some seafoods are high in iodine and pretty much i don't need that...so i am trying a lot of vegan options because i also don't eat anything containing lactose
with heart medication being added to the mix that means no more drinking no more cigars
not that i am a lush
but i do like my drank and my cigar
especially if i have a bad day...whelp that means i need to figure out how to deal with a bad day while watching my stress level

so i have found myself praying more and more...just talking and processing a lot in that quiet dwelling place
SN: weird to say that after talking about dranking

but the point is being raised in church and loving GOD doesn't mean that you fully or actively pursue a relationship with him...some years have been better than others some months, moments, but for the past month or so i have had no choice but to really dig deep, deeper than i have in a long time...not because i am sick but because i have to deal and you can't talk to people about what is going on with you
you can, but they got their own stuff, they have their own life, issues, whatever...
so i find myself in the house and when i get a quiet moment i take it...
that makes me feel better

i don't know...i am at peace but not really
way to much left to do
every day i try to do something else so that i can say ok that's done
it's just the little things you know

overwhelmed

my bridal shower is coming up and i am excited about it
didn't think i would be
but the dress that one of my MOHs picked for me to wear has me excited
total 50s glam
it's going to be different and i am happy about that

i am now also a stan for the artist Daley...dude is dope...those who wait...

i need some more new good music something to help me soothe my soul
never take your health for granted something as simple as a heart that functions correctly
something like being able to walk without getting tired or short of breathe...

take your moments and take your place in this world

45

is the number of pounds as in L Bs i have lost since last summer...

it's funny, i don't recall being under 200lbs in the most recent past, maybe in my early to mid 20s
but ever since my late 20s i have gone between 200-227 (my highest weight) if i did break 200 it was like 199, 196 something like that...nothing that was ever SOLID in terms of my weight loss

i took every diet you could take
no carbs
no fruit
no soda
no juice
only cabbage soup
only veggies
counting calories
counting points

you name it I tried it

have you ever been the one of something? like the one black person, the one white person, the one tall person, the one light person, the one brown person, or the one (i won't say fat) thick person

that was me

ALL of my girlfriends are smaller than me
always have been
i remember in high school being a size 10 and still feeling fat, always trying to be small like my friends
at one point during my freshman year i reach a size 6, and my mother was literally upset at the sight of my small frame, everything had gone, my chips, dips, and HIPS

ok so that doesn't work

what should i do

then you had the fact that i can't have diary products, and therefore no longer get the calcium and vatimin D that's needed to cut fat

well then you have the person that is no longer styling and is now just hididng

i tried my best to stay fly, but it was difficult
watching all my other girls wear the newest trends, knowing i needed Aline and not a pencil skirt

something that simple, not being able to find a piece of clothing, a skirt, can really derail you as a woman

then add that, you are now a woman and you don't feel your best

at most you are always cute...that's it, you are the homegirl's girl...
it's like the movie justwright, always over looked....

and then you have the weight

at one point, i went to the doctor and i was told, look you are vitamin D deficient...you need that up
once you get that up, the weight (which needed to come off for various reason, such as my asthma and joints) would just come off!

it's funny when people started to say things, i didn't know how to take it
well one, the are you ok question is always weird
YES I AM FINE
then, what are you doing?
NOTHING
really? are you sure you are ok then?
YES I AM FINE
oh, OK

its funny but not, its just one of those things that we tend to suffer from in silence, the lack of confidence for one reason or another...

so now i am going through this, yet again, weight journey, i bought some pants last week, in my former size, and they CLEARLY are to big...but i didn't know that, i had no clue that my body was going down the way that it is until i noticed i can't just grab and go anymore in my fav store
that's a good thing
almost being the size i was when i first met my fiance at 19, is a good thing, BUT it shouldn't be such a thing

why can't I just lose weight, no as a matter a fact

WHY HAS MY WEIGHT ALWAYS BEEN THEIR ISSUE

yes their issue, other people, someone besides myself
when i was little i was too scrawny
when i was older i was too big

I think, or know rather, that the purpose of my sharing this story is that i want people to be OK within
just be OK with yourself
big
little
tall
short
light
dark

society, family, friends, strangers, they all place such an emphasis on who YOU should be, that sometimes its hard for you to even find a voice of your own, for you to even SEE yourself for who you really are
my weight, your weight, hair color, eye color it should matter, it should be WHO you are that matters most
BE OK with who you are and how you are made in HIS image

that's the point i am trying to make
 we all tend to have some insecurities, but don't let what others say to you dictate who you "should" be to them, dictate who you are to yourself

LOVE YOURSELF no matter what

T

Soooo

i have been away from blogging (not reading) since MARCH!
that's 2 months ago

FOR SHAME on me
i need to blog more but there are a couple of things that need to happen
1. i need more time in the day
2. i need more sleep at night
3. i need more time for myself
4. this daily situation needs to change

i am sooooooooo OVER this, i am not doing what i would like to do be doing and i want to change that
every 3 years i get an itch to reinvent this whole position situation and since i didn't get what i signed up for i think its time to change

TO BAD ITS AT A TIME I SHOULDN'T WANT TO CHANGE

as ya'll know i's getting marrieds so that's enough in and of itself

we need an ADDITIONAL $6000 to get this wedding done the way it needs to be done and RIGHT
i (he probably doesn't care)  don't want to pay vendors AFTER I have the wedding so i just need to get this stuff DONE

thank goodness counseling is free, but they are one of the vendors i need to pay that didn't ask to be paid

i have like 3 of those vendors

so i want things paid for and done and over with

then there is still the adjustment of going from ONE person to THREE people....your family comes first so most times its not even about me

which leads to me being completely exhausted most days with TONS of things to do that NEVER get fully done, or done right

and people keep asking me when do i want to add another baby in the mix!
why?
oh because little D isn't mine and i won't know the joys of motherhood until i carry a baby!

GTFOH!

that's what i want to say
who has a right to tell ME who I LOVE and HOW!
how DARE several people for acting like because i didn't birth him that means nothing
SO i guess adopted mothers don't truly LOVE their kids

again GTFOH with that foolishness

i don't love that child because of his daddy, i love him because I LOVE HIM!

period the end, even if we don't make it, i'll be his mother

raising a child is a LOT of work and why add another child in the mix when we are trying to get things under control with ONE

i've come to realize that people don't know what to say out of the mouths MOST of the time

think before you speak people

i would just get married tomorrow and call it a day

honestly i am thinking about it, but i probably won't get that THOUSANDS of dollars spent back now

i just want it done so we can be a happy family and enjoy one another

we are happy and we do enjoy each other but not enough, you know


come ON only 133 days left!

down time

that's what we have right now
we have the location
the date
we have the colors
he knows what he's wearing
i know what I am wearing

most of the contracts have been signed and those that haven't can wait until May
for the ENTIRE month of April
i am NOT doing anything regarding this wedding...

its ONLY one day
that's it
1

we have agreed to reduce the list and try our best to ensure that its those that matter the most are there and that is the bridal party and our closest family and friends

so we will definitely enjoy the day

BUT we are going to focus on making sure that we are ok as a family AND that we get ready for our wedding

i have a GREAT guy who looked at the bigger picture and uprooted himself to be with me
not because it was easy but because it was the better option

most women have to uproot for the man, but this MAN uprooted for me

so i want to take time and enjoy him and lil mini him and work towards full and true peace within our household

our entire relationship before and now was long distance

NOW we have a chance to get to know one another on another LEVEL deeper and pure

and make the choice to love each other unconditionally

redo to renew

i don't know how it got done but it DID

probably because of him, no it was because of HIM
i was at work

two additional people are now living in, no longer my, but our home

OUR

its funny and its still something i can't fully comprehend
they have moved away from everything they have ever known to be here with me
i don't think that's something that you could ever wrap your head around to understand

normally its the woman that packs up everything for the family, not the man, but i am the more career established person
i had the house
it just made more sense to be here...

so he came

its still not official they are going back, but the stuff is in the house...

so its now a matter of redoing several rooms...one of which the basement has already been done...

we are redoing and it makes me feel renewed...

i am sorting through my personal things to make room for their things

one house was full of ONE persons foolishness things i have held on for years have to GO!

there isn't any room for those things
and the thing is those THINGS filled a void and now that the void is filled with love, the things are no longer important because they are just that THINGS

he doesn't do clutter
he doesn't do stuff
he needs streamlined everything

so i have promised to DOWN size by at least 50% and that is EXACTLY what i'll be doing all weekend long

downsizing
reflecting
and renewing

my house is now a home!

blogging

i need to

i am busy

its this wedding

its a lot

someone dropped out

insanity

i should've just had my two

itsallgoodthough

263 days

that's how long i have before i become a m.r.s.

can you believe it?

i have my venue
i have my dress, my veil, my jewelry, and i know what shoes i want

i know what dresses i want the girls to wear
you name it, its done

that's a good thing

i have yet to really process the meaning of being a wife and a mother

i need time to do that
i need time to purge and make room in my house

i need to do a lot of things not even so much externally but internally
i need to work on my patience
i need to learn to be more positive and enjoy the little things a lot more than i do now

there are a lot of things that need to get down in the next 263 days

but the good thing is i know that i am up for it

i just have to really get out of this selfish state that i currently find myself in
i don't want to do a lot of things i know i wife must do
you know like let stuff go
trust him to make the right decision
things like that

don't get me wrong the man has proved to me that he knows how to make a decision
however, this is the blessing and the curse of getting married in your 30s
you know how to take care of yourself and you know what you want
but those same things can put you in the mindset of I don't need no man

ha
but i do want one and the one i want is HIM

so we'll make it work
and i know it will be OK

still

hasn't set in yet that i am engaged but it has set in that i am getting married?

doesn't sound right and it isn't...
i am presently being pressed out to find a venue and select a date
and while i get this need, without the venue you can't have a date...and a lot of times the venue determines the date

i wasn't prepared for picking colors or different ones
finding dresses for the girls
finding a dress for myself
thinking about flowers
budget and more budget

all these things that really only encompass ONE day of my life!
that's it just ONE

i am doing all that is required because well i am picky, he is picky and we want things done a certain way...but at the same time i am also really ready to focus on the two main things:
being a WIFE and being a MOTHER

those are the two things that I personally need to work on

and the best way for me to do those things is to work on and strengthen my relationship with the Almighty

I need to talk to strong women in Christ that understand what it takes to be married

we got into this weekend, nothing major as we tend to bicker over minor things, and it hit me that i can't just up and leave, i can't up and just let it be, we have to WORK it out and through it

I need patience
he needs understanding

we both need a lot of things actually

so i am just looking to work on the things that we need in pre-marital counseling...both spiritually and practically...

i need to understand my purpose as a Wife biblically speaking and i need to know his expectations
i also need to understand his expectations as a mother to lil D...

i also need for him to know my expectations...

so although i am planning a wedding
i am focused on my marriage...

i refused to just get caught up in a day for 300+ (i know insane but that's the number) people but the FOUR at the center of it all-HIM, me, O and lil D