Monday, December 17, 2012

a man's commitment

so last night when i was at a table of women at an event called "tea & treats"

i had an AH HA moment of epic portions

men do NOT fully commit to any woman until they make her their WIFE

i'll repeat that again

MOST MEN are NOT going to fully commit themselves to a woman until she becomes his WIFE

so then that posses the question or several:
 why do women give EVERYTHING to a man before marriage? do we do it because our sense of commitment starts with the initial notion of exclusive or bf/gf? do we think if we aren't giving our all that we won't ever get to marriage?

i personally think its the fact that we believe in our hearts that in order to even GET to marriage we have to give all that we have to the man we decide to be with.
well again why?
because most of us don't date to date, we date to marry
that's what we were taught
so we give everything we have to the man that we allow in our lives

back to the ah ha

last night when i got home from the event, i asked my husband was my assessment correct
and his answer was in short YES
now for those that don't know our story my husband and i dated from 1999 to early 2005 and then got back together in 2010

me: does a man not fully commit until he gets married?
him: huh?
me: a man doesn't fully commit himself to a woman until he marries her?
him: YES a man doesn't give his all until he is married
me: Why?
him: because i may give  to a woman, as a man i may do for a woman, but as a man i would NEVER do for a woman  like i am going do for and give to my wife, my WIFE gets all of me, everything i have above and beyond, a man doesn't just give his all to any woman
me: so not even a girlfriend or fiance
him: NO its not until you become my WIFE that i will give you EVERYTHING i have, it's just not going to happen
me: well did you always know i was going to be your wife?
him: Yes

well dag on sir you may have saved a many of my single girls a lot of worry with that one answer!

he wasn't talking about cheating or any of that, he's not saying that if you have a bf/fiance he's going to do him
i am not talking about cheating or expecting a man to do him unless he's your husband
what i am talking about is the heart to heart connection, the vulnerability, the spiritual connection, the acts of service, being totally engrossed and into this ONE person, a man doesn't do any of that until he gets married, where we as women give ALL those things to the man we are with, we are in the relationship with because we can SEE the end game of marriage so to get there we think we have to do and give all of that BUT a man, he won't even THINK of giving all of that to a woman unless she is in fact HIS WIFE

I will say, our relationship, though ALWAYS close has NEVER been as close and as intense, as open and honest as it has been since we have gotten married. There are things i have learned about this man in the last 2 months that i didn't know in the last 12/13 years. there is an openness that we share that allows him to pretty much tell me what a man truly thinks and feel, specifically what he thinks and feels

when a man decides to get MARRIED his mind goes to another level in terms of what commitment means and stands for

so then that leads to the question, how will anyone EVER get married if BOTH people aren't fully vulnerable and ready to give their all until the make it AFTER the alter

well you court!
that's the answer
you develop a friendship and discover your similarities and grow to like one another
you determine early on if you two are able to work together or not
if NOT you move on
because you weren't completely vulnerable with this person, it will allow you to discern early on if this will work or not and allow your heart to heal more easily

now if everyone is doing this, how many folks are you courting before you move on?
it shouldn't be that many!
why because you LISTEN to yourself early on, you pay attention to the flags as you chit chat and you allow folks to disqualify themselves, because a man will tell you and show you his intentions from the beginning

i honestly could have saved myself a couple of hard situations to get over had i known this, because looking back and now knowing this i know they weren't even interested in being MY husband, totally could be for someone else but definitely not for me

these are just my thoughts
its easier said than done
its hard out here dating
and with all the ups and downs we have had i was truly fortunate to marry someone i have known since i was a young woman who truly was willing to work with me and love me for me, flaws and all

that's another AH HA moment

he said he ALWAYS knew i was supposed to be his wife

a man knows, and when he knows, sometimes it may take a while to get there (5 years apart in my case), but he'll come for YOU the woman
HE will come for YOU

so in short: women could save themselves a LOT of heartache if we learned to reserve our full hearts, minds, bodies and spirits for husbands the way men reserve things for their wives
What do you think?

DISCLAIMER: when i refer to us/we in terms of women in this post I am talking about the women in MY life, including myself, this is NOT to be a blanket statement for all women everywhere. ALSO, these are MY thoughts and not inclusive to ALL MEN, some men can give and be totally vulnerable and open to a woman who isn't their wife


blkbutterfly82 said...

Ma'am... this post made me want to shout... it explains sooo much!

T.a.c.D said...

it had me like WOW as well