being a wife and mother

...there is something about those two words that bring me the greatest joy and the greatest fear that i've ever felt

the love and joy that you feel as a wife and a mother is something you can't put into words
you just can't

but it's also one of the scariest things i have ever felt
God does not give us a spirit of fear
but i have it
if they are gone and it's raining i just start praying
i am constantly praying for their safety and safe return home

as a wife i need to be a help mate and let him lead, even when i can't see the outcome
that is scary, because that means putting total trust in another human being, to do the right thing, or the best thing all the time...it requires a blind faith, that's why choosing a man of God is so important because i you are trusting in him, you have to trust that he's trusting in God and praying and meditating as much as you are
there's the fear of losing myself
i have been on my own for a long time
i have also always been the only girl and the youngest
so developing my own person, my own personality has been something that i have really worked hard to do

i have worked hard in life to get where i am
and to be ok where i am and now that process must start all over again
and add two please

two people

and the wanting to be a GOOD wife and i really mean being a GOOD wife
someone who is supportive and understanding
loving and gentle
firm but soft
warm and inviting
and strong but not overbearing

that's a lot of things for one person to be
i was raised by one of those women
but i fought so hard NOT to be this woman that depended on a man
and as a matter a fact
my parents BOTH raised me to NOT depend on a man
that not depending on a man, made me a tad hard and so a lot of the soft virtues that a wife and mother has to have are things that i am constantly in prayer about

now the other word MOTHER
that word
so beautiful
having a child love you, and love you like no other
yesterday i was upset, due to health issues wondering if i'll have another child...we have one beautiful little boy, but i have always wanted another child, and when seeing me cry, this little person, comes up to me and says, "it's ok mom, don't cry, what is it, does your stomach hurt" and begins to rub it
he's THREE!
that love you can't even put into words
but the worry
is he ok during the day
is he getting all he needs from the school he's in
is he warm
did he take his allergy meds
are kids being mean to him
like you have another person who you are completely and totally responsible for!
my mother was a GREAT example of that as well
and she was also great in that she made sure i was around other women who were GREAT at being a wife and a mother

it's one of those things, you just don't want to fail at
you can't fail at
but you have two other people who you have to work with and so you may fail at it
and failure has NEVER been an option for me

the fact that being a wife and a mother is partial under my control, but not totally is the "issue" if you will

i am excited!
it's a new phase in life
not a final phase
but the phase of who to love is over
the process of loving is always going be a journey

but life is a journey right, not the destination
it's about living right?

just going to do my best and use the next 45 days to pray and grow and dig deep into myself so that i am giving the best that i got!