45

is the number of pounds as in L Bs i have lost since last summer...

it's funny, i don't recall being under 200lbs in the most recent past, maybe in my early to mid 20s
but ever since my late 20s i have gone between 200-227 (my highest weight) if i did break 200 it was like 199, 196 something like that...nothing that was ever SOLID in terms of my weight loss

i took every diet you could take
no carbs
no fruit
no soda
no juice
only cabbage soup
only veggies
counting calories
counting points

you name it I tried it

have you ever been the one of something? like the one black person, the one white person, the one tall person, the one light person, the one brown person, or the one (i won't say fat) thick person

that was me

ALL of my girlfriends are smaller than me
always have been
i remember in high school being a size 10 and still feeling fat, always trying to be small like my friends
at one point during my freshman year i reach a size 6, and my mother was literally upset at the sight of my small frame, everything had gone, my chips, dips, and HIPS

ok so that doesn't work

what should i do

then you had the fact that i can't have diary products, and therefore no longer get the calcium and vatimin D that's needed to cut fat

well then you have the person that is no longer styling and is now just hididng

i tried my best to stay fly, but it was difficult
watching all my other girls wear the newest trends, knowing i needed Aline and not a pencil skirt

something that simple, not being able to find a piece of clothing, a skirt, can really derail you as a woman

then add that, you are now a woman and you don't feel your best

at most you are always cute...that's it, you are the homegirl's girl...
it's like the movie justwright, always over looked....

and then you have the weight

at one point, i went to the doctor and i was told, look you are vitamin D deficient...you need that up
once you get that up, the weight (which needed to come off for various reason, such as my asthma and joints) would just come off!

it's funny when people started to say things, i didn't know how to take it
well one, the are you ok question is always weird
YES I AM FINE
then, what are you doing?
NOTHING
really? are you sure you are ok then?
YES I AM FINE
oh, OK

its funny but not, its just one of those things that we tend to suffer from in silence, the lack of confidence for one reason or another...

so now i am going through this, yet again, weight journey, i bought some pants last week, in my former size, and they CLEARLY are to big...but i didn't know that, i had no clue that my body was going down the way that it is until i noticed i can't just grab and go anymore in my fav store
that's a good thing
almost being the size i was when i first met my fiance at 19, is a good thing, BUT it shouldn't be such a thing

why can't I just lose weight, no as a matter a fact

WHY HAS MY WEIGHT ALWAYS BEEN THEIR ISSUE

yes their issue, other people, someone besides myself
when i was little i was too scrawny
when i was older i was too big

I think, or know rather, that the purpose of my sharing this story is that i want people to be OK within
just be OK with yourself
big
little
tall
short
light
dark

society, family, friends, strangers, they all place such an emphasis on who YOU should be, that sometimes its hard for you to even find a voice of your own, for you to even SEE yourself for who you really are
my weight, your weight, hair color, eye color it should matter, it should be WHO you are that matters most
BE OK with who you are and how you are made in HIS image

that's the point i am trying to make
 we all tend to have some insecurities, but don't let what others say to you dictate who you "should" be to them, dictate who you are to yourself

LOVE YOURSELF no matter what

T