258

...that's the number of days i have until my tentative wedding date!

and do you know these people, how wonderful they are, are driving me NUTS already...

so let me back up first...

as of Sunday, December 25, 2011...I am NOW an engaged woman!

crazy right

when did we start this journey together? June of 2006...this is my 590th blog post and after all the years and my tears...someone finally did it, they asked me to marry him..

funny thing is he was the reason i started the blog...
broken heart after what 5 years together things didn't pan out, but last year, things seemed to turn around...slow and steady, bumpy at times, but we moved along

it was the same but different, we both grew. we are now both grown. we both learned...

he's still the only man, other than my daddy, that truly puts up with me...
not saying that i am all that bad, but i can say that i am perfect within my imperfections and complex to say the least
but he's so calm with me so sure, so everything...

i've always dreamed of the moment and though i won't tell it here
i will say it was quiet, special, and HIM (and lil D, as they asked me to marry them)...the three of us that's it...

totally going against my demands of "I do not want it on Christmas" and totally in line with me
i didn't cry, i sat and i heard every lil word he said...and once i said the words and he hugged me

i knew and i cried!

actually i knew a while ago

when my mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer this summer
i was angry
really angry
she's a breast cancer survivor and i just didn't feel like she deserved that yet again

but he was the one to calm me down and to tell me some things about faith
he was clam and reassuring
stern and yet patient

everything i needed and it just clicked that you know what he loves me

so in 258 days i'll be getting married to the only guy that's ever got me, stuck with me, and came back to get me

i was chosen

sounds so ....

but every woman (i'll speak for those i know) wants to be chosen

and i was

self made

that's the name of the MMG song that was playing on my iPod the other day, when i initially thought to write this blog...
in the MMG stars rap about being a "self made" who had come to get the things and all of their accomplishments by themselves (as they rap on a song together)

and all that I could honestly think about was how i would have NEVER made it alone

that's the thing

no matter how much "we've got it going on"
in terms of a job, a house, a truck, a whatever

i can personally state that i wouldn't have any of these things without my parents, my friends and several mentors along the way

to actually sit and think that you have done anything alone is pretty sad

most of us have parents, or at least one parent or an aunt, an uncle, someone that is there for them

and those that don't really do have to work hard and climb up by their boot straps

i can't sit here and front like i have had it so hard
things were never handed to me and i have taken many of a blow but i have never taken a blow alone...whenever i needed love, advice, or just someone to reassure me that everything was going to be OK...i had the love and support...of my parents or someone else...

most recently, i was told that i was not the most qualified candidate for two positions for which i applied...although others in my specific job role and that i work with also received the same email, to say it wasn't a blow would be an understatement...it was a difficult thing to swallow i haven't NOT gotten a job since 2007...but hey it happens and sometimes it happens to remind us of what is really important and who we really are..

so with all that being said

i know that without the others in my life i wouldn't be who i am and i wouldn't be where i am right now...

12-2-11

its that time of year again and it seems like the time where things become reflective and you try to gain some sort of perspective

we are talking about the past
looking forward to the future
and sometimes we aren't enjoying the present

sometimes we are enjoying the holidays
sometimes we are avoiding the holidays

but this time of year seems to be pretty simple if you ask me in terms of the repetitive nature that a few of us tend to go through

but here is how its different for me

i honestly feel like telling people about themselves

you know these same people that tend to believe that they have it all together but really don't
you know these people that give it but don't take it-as in advice
you know these people that are BLESSED beyond measure but have NO clue how to just sit back and appreciate what it is that they have be it a new home, a marriage, a new baby on the way...but it doesn't matter because its NEVER good enough
you know these people that have gotten MOST of what they've prayed for but it's not good enough

those people..but then if i decided TO infact call them out on theirs, i'd have to call me out on my own...so then i'd be one of those people right-RIGHT

i think for me, myself, the one thing that i am going to do is just appreciate, for once, where i am, what i have, and WHO i am!

its not about maybes, should've/would've/could've
its not about what i don't have
its not about anything other than...

just sitting back and appreciating the life that i HAVE
perfect it is NOT
perfect i am NOT

but its a blessing
despite it all its a blessing

we go through life so many times looking for the BIG nickel we don't see the Quarter in our hand

the stats

...what is it?

marriage

for who, all those people that they keep doing these studies on...and it has more to do with money than spiritual reasons

so i sat and talked with two couples this weekend

both couples together for about 10 years, both couples have kids, both couples live in ONE home

and he is just as involved with his kids and she is...they are in love and WANT to be married...so then the question becomes, well why don't they just get married...

the answer: they can't afford it

a lot of young women live in homes where they receive assistance, he works, she works, but still with child care costs, etc, they can't afford to be married and lose the assistance

so what does that mean, well that means in society eyes they children belong to a single parent home, regardless that there are both parents are raising their kids and not just sitting in the house doing nothing but truly contributing to their families

further more these men are IN love with their women and are committed to them

I say all of that to say, the judgement that society and we can place on people can sometimes be overwhelming so before we assume that these studies or what we think (not know) is correct we should have conversations first

DISCLAIMER: this is not a religious debate blog, i personally prefer to be married and let it all work itself out, HOWEVER, i am also financially dependant and everyone is not afforded that opportunity...FURTHERMORE, both couples know the biblical stance, this is a post strictly about the financial aspects facing a lot of couples

sense of humor

that's what HE the man that really and truly RUNS the world

HE has a sense of humor

the very next night, after a rant, i am sitting here and i can't even imagine myself without him

he's in the ER

i am 2 hours away from him TWO

its definitely something that could be MAJOR...

he's waiting to have a scan done...

he's got an IV in his arm

i am TWO hours away...

i can't get to him RIGHT NOW

i can't move

i can't imagine life without him

i was just complaining about adulthood and NOT being ready and now i am more ready that i have ever been

i take it back...i take it all back

this is real life

P just said this: True Love = loving in spite of not because of...

adutlhood

let me first start by saying that word right there^^^up there
the title of this blog...

OVERRATED

ok so what you are saying to me is that i have to get up everyday, EVERYSINGLEDAY and go to the SAME place and do the SAME thing with the SAME people

and even if i do get another job, i will once again do the SAME THING and that the ONLY time you get to do what you truly LOVE means you won't make the money you NEED to make because of the BILLS you have mad because of that well paying job you got thinking it would be a career

OVERRATED

then you fall in love and you are supposed to get married and have a kid or two (because the economy and daycare costs and add that my mommanem done moved down souffs you can't have three) means you have to deal with not just your hubby, your kid(s) but they family too, and as much as folks say or want to think that we got the BEST family in the world, we all seem to fall short of the Huxtables, some WAYYYYY shorter than others...THEN you gotta love these people unconditionally (you know the dude you married and that baby you wanted so bad) EVEN when they plucking you ever lasting nerve that's left OR when you just want to be left the HELL alone...they still there...always still RIGHT THERE for 40-50 years...

maybe not as overrated but definitely NOT WHAT THEY MAKE IT SEEM LIKE

then you gotta pay these things called BILLS (and until you get married you gotta do that ALONE) and you are still broke...regardless it seems like something ALWAYS comes up, its not whatif, its WHEN...you get taxed out the youknowwhat...(can we say double digits already this year, so my salary is NOTHING) so that makes you WANT to get married or have a "livein" because let's see two is better than ONE esp when it comes to the monies...

Hey i said it...you might not want to but...at least that's how IFEELRIGHTNOW

did i say by now at this age my grandmanem think my eggs are about to dry up and run away...and all your friends that are younger keep saying they need to be married and have kids BY my age...and all i keep think about is how i am STILL NOT READY for a kid (another kid, i have a kid, but only part time because he lives with his dad and i haven't adopted him as of yet) and when i do have a kid that's my TWO so he needs to be 1 out of diaper AND out of daycare before i even THINK about another kid becuase he is about to cost $992 a MONTH for school ALONE...one kid, one of my co-workers pays OVER $1700 a MONTH for her ONE child...then let's add the diapers, the clothes, the shoes, the time, the energy, the drama with your mommanem telling you what THEY want you to do...yea...i need another FO (as in 4) years before i am in the house and where i want to be financially before i even THINK about having anotherbaby

so right now with dollars and cents....another kid right now OVERRATED

because the reality is we (me and the he) are going to see the WTT concert in AC this weekend, and I can't get a new fit (as in outfit) i can barely get my huurrr and nails did (as in make a hair appointment and get a mani/pani) and FORGET staying overnight who will have the energy, who can we find to babysit OVERNIGHT and who got the money for the hotel!

yea so even with seeing or having that light of sunshine at the end of the tunnel of a week of work at a place that is nothing more than a job (because let's face it a career is something you LOVE doing day in and day out, ie work for yourself doing what you want to do) and pay the rest of my mid month bills i am still dreading the drive, the cost, and the look

so by the way did i tell you that some times (not all) but A LOTof times

ADULTHOOD IS OVERRATED

need

i need to blog

i really need to blog

there is a lot going on with me but i don't know where to begin

hopefully i'll be able to have some time this weekend to do a MAJOR brain dumb...

hopefully i'll want to

until laters

love ballad

that's what is rocking in my ears right now

i love this song...it fits so much of my life...

its been a crazy 3 weeks, full of a lot of hurt and disappointment for those around me

my homie lost his girlfriend in a fatal accident on 95, she had just turned 29 the weekend before and that next friday/saturday morning she was gone...

what do you say to someone who just lost the person he finally thought was "the person" and just like that they are gone...

she was 29

i think we as people sometimes focus on things and the perfect plan of what we "think" our life should be and a lot of times its too late to say what you wanted to say, to do what you wanted to do based on what we think is right

he loved her, he didn't tell her...because it was "too soon" and now she is gone and he'll never get the chance to tell her

it makes you think and reflect

i have a wedding date and i am not even engaged yet...i have a plan for when we'll get married, have a child, the whole nine...its not my plan alone, he's made his plans extremely clear as well

but what the last 3 weeks have taught me more than anything, is that life and time are precious and short and at any given time the person you thought was "the" person could be gone

i try to tell him that she came to teach him to love and that she doesn't want him to never love again, and in time she'll bring someone to him that will help him to go for it and not wait and the women that come around that aren't for him, she set the bar so high, he'll know that they aren't for him and he'll move on

but those words fall on deaf ears

all he think about is her

my him says he can relate and he's been without me before and wouldn't know how to handle it so i guess that's why things are different this time

you should always let people know how you feel while they are here because at the end of the day, it makes no sense to give them flowers when they are gone and you couldn't while they were here...

love open, love hard, love free

mind racing

there is a lot on my mind

the entire situation with the life and death of troy davis has my mind running

let's not mistake it, he was a criminal, however to what extent is the question, this was a death penalty case
and i can't ignore that this was the 4th time he was up for execution, his execution was stayed 3 previous times, the last in 2008, so many questions come to mind:

*why weren't his lawyers able to prove his innocence, discredit the eye witnesses, work with the innocence project earlier? i know why witnesses are just coming forward, statue of limitations has expired for them to perjure themselves
*what was it about the defense that wasn't able to legally tell the system, hold up and wait?
No, i 'll go beyond that,
*why throughout those 3 stays was NOTHING done legally to convince the state that a retrial was needed or at least make the sentence that of life until it was absolutely clear, and if it never became clear, and he was there but didn't do it, whatever, have him serve life?
*was his class/socio economic status the issue, he just couldn't afford good/effective counsel? *again why weren't we made aware earlier, or excuse me, why didn't we (including myself) look earlier for this?
*Could we have found a way to raise funds for effective counsel?

and after the event or during, why was there such an excessive police presence? (i am so glad that the crowd was peaceful and presented no reason for them to act)

it takes me back to my college days, i thought i was going to save the world i mean totally be a lawyer and work in civil rights and take my knowledge and my compassion and change the world

now i sit a desk day in and day out and ummmmmm and i am not doing what i thought i would be doing with my life at this time

don't get my wrong i guess because of my position i am doing something, but i am not doing what i wanted to do all my life but what i need to do as an adult

i know that all of our ideas, values, and reality changes our dreams and sometimes as Gem said yesterday we gotta do what we have to do, we have to work, grow, push and move forward to survive and prosper

we need to teach our young people, and even our peers, the local, state, and federal laws, get people to understand the separation of powers, checks and balances...

we need to reach our young people and help them to understand to NOT become apart or "victim" of the justice system

furthermore, we, our generation needs to finally stand up and make a difference
we should just stop getting involved at the 12th hour, and next week stop talking about
participate in jury duty
read up on those you are voting on

new

that's the feeling i have for him right now

its new

its fresh

its a feeling that is truly grateful

out of nowhere on Sunday afternoon, i became violently ill...i mean can we say upchuckin to the tenth degree

he was ever so present, getting crackers and ginger ale, getting meds, for the last two days, he's done everything he can...

ironically enough i thought we weren't going to make it

zuri did a wonderful blog today on relationships and communication, and what it all boils down to is the communication between a man and a woman
a man and a woman i might add that were raised in two different states, grew up with two different types of parents and families and that although there are similarities are different just in that...then ADD the whole men are from mars, women are from Venus thing and

BAM

you got some issues

but here's what i am learning sometimes we can make those issues MUCH larger than they need to be

and despite the communication issues we have and will continue to face

i finally have someone to take care of me when i am sick

like really, wholehearted, take care of me not complain not fuss about missing part of the game for running to the store, or for me asking 50 million times for a new glass of ginger ale because it went flat...none of that bothered him...he just did it

its a new thing for me and i must admit

i don't just like it, i love it!

rAndom-relief, relate, release

today was my second day back on the metro and it was weird and i say weird because i liked driving into work for various reason, mainly NOT having to deal with others (besides drivers) and being able to relax on my way in and on my way out...

being on the train you have to be present

present in case someone is trying to snatch your stuff

present in case is trying to bomb the train or station

present because someone may need help

just plain ole present and aware of your surroundings and being aware means you have to take notice and when i take notice i take stuff in

like the man that asked to sit next to me today, is he ok, i could tell that he was mentally developmentally challenged and i wanted to know if he got where he needed to go ok

it bothers me to see the homeless folks daily...esp the ones that i know need mental and physical assitance, and it bothers me that i can't help them

i feel like a burden or a relief is an order as well though

you know how you are a part of a "group" but you know you really aren't apart of it...you ever feel like you are apart of the group merely to be the butt of the jokes?

guess what? i made it known how i felt today and that i wouldn't be around to participate in situations especially situations that would require me to spend my time and my money

and i won't and i said it

don't get me wrong i love all the girls, but do i think that they respect me and love me as i do them...nope

you know what it is? people are judgmental and personally i want to only surround myself with people, male or female, who love me and accept me and know that i am a work in progress...

there are people that get me and i am cool with that and i am cool with people NOT getting me or accepting me

what i eat don't make you sh*t so what difference does it really make if you dig me or not

i realize that although i am most, if not everyone's cheerleader, everyone is NOT mine

so i'll focus my attention on those that do

what else....

oh i don't like this house, i realize if there is one regret in life this is it!

it definitely may change my mind if the market turns around or later in life, but at the present time with another issue (cracked chimney) i am OVER it...i think for any woman (or unhandy man) living alone, a condo or townhouse community that would include maintenance in the fees would be a better option

so i definitely feel like the relief i feel like i am relating but i definitely need to release and let myself relax

2 YEARS AGO

...my life changed dramatically...

i took a new job and today marks my twonniversary

definitely been an experience met some friends for life and i've learned more about myself and about life

i am still learning

as soon as

you get yourself together something comes along to test if you are really as far along as you thought

so based on the the last post its a known fact that the years i am IN a relationship i don't blog as much, hence this year

well here i am just going through my life and being in love and all that GREAT stuff and BAM
here comes the ex, we'll call him G, trying to contact me

so i get a FB message this morning (it was sent last night) stating that he has been looking for me for a while and that he decided to go back through his messages in FB and saw me there and sent my message...the reason for him wanting to talk to me is that he wanted to apologize for the way that he carried things (i do tend to get carried at the end of relationships) and that it wasn't me it was him, he was bugging it was him

so of course i appreciated it and thanked him

now here comes the kicker, he wants to see me

and honestly, i want to see him too...why, for no other reason than hell i still look GREAT ok well good and for my ego purposes i would like to see what he has to say

i in NO way want to be with this man again, EVER
he put me in a box, he was the guy that made me feel like as soon as i wasn't in his box anymore he wouldn't care about me anymore...furthermore, i have someone that really LOVES me

ok because let me be real about some thannnnnngggggssssss:
i am not a size 6, add some numbers to that...
i am not the sweetest person, i can be but please believe
i can be rather mean
i can be loud
i can be moody
i can be emotional
i can be sensitive
i can be strong
but i can also be weak
i am loving
but i am also stern
i can come off as cold and not interested at times
or sometimes i can be WAYYYY Y to needy of attention and affection

but the man that i have now, he GETS me, and he deals with me, even when i honestly do NOT even feel like dealing with myself...despite my up and down ways...

he loves me
he isn't perfect
he isn't tall
or have a lot of the superficial things that a lot of women may find attractive

but he loves me
he gets on my nerves and i KNOW get on his

but he loves me

and furthermore he wants to be married and have kids

so as much as i would like to see G just to hear what he had to say, and so he could see just how over his butt i am, it serves NO purpose in the larger scheme of things

i know it would bother my him, not because he doesn't trust me (we have talked about it, i have no secrets) even though any man would be a little like why do you need to see him, his thing is if i jump up and see him it makes it come off like dude has room- space and he doesn't

soooooooo

the current and FUTURE man in my life...matters more than my personal ego and so today i make the big girl decision to put him and US first

single...rAdomneSS

i blog more when i am single

that's just the honest truth

if you look at the side bar and the numbers from the past years...the years with the most blog posts are from when i am single

things seem so much more stressful when you are single, you feel like you have more of the world on your shoulders when you are single, you don't feel like you matter as much when you are single...

ironically, i am also my most driven when single, like i am trying to prove my importance to those who are around me...waving..hey look at me i have something to contribute to the world to society

when i am in a relationship i tend to focus on that and whatever else i have going on, like work or school and i put myself on the back burner

funny thing is i am sitting here and i just noticed it looking at the side myself like when i am with someone i don't blog as much

another funny thing is that when i am with someone i tend to have as much to say as single but its more so relationship stuff

so either i am blogging about wanting to be in one or not blogging because i am in one but don't want to talk about it "in public"

crazy times in deed i think because that's ridiculous to me

why does everything have to be about love and life and not just about life, why as a woman can't i just focus and find the balance of being a woman why must it always be around a man or wanting a man? i know why, i even know why biblically (thanks to Mrs. C) but still its frustrating to say the least

i need to figure some things out about myself...i am sitting here tired as ever because i haven't really slept since Friday night, i am exhausted about to pass out at my desk and the one thing that i find time to blog about is the fact that i blog more when i am single than when i am not

GEESH LADY

i come off about as deep as a tic

alas at least i can admit it

maybe my insightful BOLD days are over

maybe i am meant to be a mom and a wife and just boring or is it a wife and a mom and boring

but i don't want to be boring i want to live my life and enjoy it

WHY is the finding the balance SO hard

maybe i don't need to find anything but happiness that's all i need is to be happy and as you can from the previous post a sista is none to happy to not have power and not being able to sleep in my bed, having to put my dog up in a kennel for 7 days because i don't know where i'll be or any of that other CRAP that is currently goings on in my life due to the power outage
then age a LD relationship to the mix, work, school, life, allergies

yea

uggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

ok back to the post

so i am going to find the time to tap into myself and my innermost feelings and be ok with it if i am single or not because at the end of the day, i came into this world alone and i'll go out alone, hopefully i won't spend any more time on earth alone, but i should never see myself as alone anyways

..and another one

here is another reason, to add to my list of reasons for being completely OVER the
DMV

the local electric company, that begins with a P, majorly SUCKS

how is it that half of my neighborhood is without power and the other half isn't suffering...

and might I add we are going on 48 hours here with NOTHING

it makes absolutely NO sense at all to me

I get that we are on different grids and things but COME ON

oh because i own a single family home, not a condo, or i don't live in an apartment, or i am not a school soooo i don't matter

see this is what bothers me, we are the freaking NATION'S CAP and we aren't EVER ready for snow, sleet, hell even bad rain, let alone a hurricane

so i shall add this to my list of reasons why i am ready to leave and here's the thing I don't even know where i want to go anymore, i just know i want to leave!

because i have no power i was hot because i was hot i was uncomfortable because i was uncomfortable i couldn't sleep i haven't slept all weekend...because of course i didn't sleep during the hurricane because it was mad crazy son

so anyways...just another thing to add to the list of reasons why the DMV is becoming an overrated experience that i have lived through enough years of my life (all 31 of them) and now its time for something different

Atlanta is out because it too is overrated
Chicago is an option
NYC is out because it is overrated
Charlotte is an option
Houston is out because its to darn hot
Philly has always been an option
Baltimore is out because well its baltimore
LA is out because well its LA

I don't know but i am not looking for work anywhere other than HERE

and i am ok with NOT staying with this agency either

I definitely want to stay working for the gobement but i am cool with somewhere else

i mean i would have loved to have a telecommuting option today and the day after the earthquake

and i mean COME ON i get trying to make a point by not closing us down but seriously you could have closed us today folks don't have leave to be using all willy nilly like that for this

let us NOT forget i have not one but TWO parents that both have caner so a day off to deal with the no power situation would have been much appreciated! imjustsaying

yep as you can see i am over it

but it seems like all management has been made aware of us not working today so i shall float through my work day praying the power is back on by the time i get home and knowing that if it isn't i am going UP to one of their offices and acting a monkey fool period!

but all in all life is good but i am just ready to go like not now but right now! so i need to work on my patience of things becuase i am ready to get to getting

frustration

that's what it boils down to right now
frustration oh and being broke

oh how i wish i could be a professor or a teacher and could make the money that i need to make to survive because although i know that with every job comes some sort of issue or two or three

the ones here are getting under my skin

i was NEVER a "system" or "big machine" girl

but the politics of it all is getting to me and i don't like it

honestly if i could figure out how to pay all my bills OFF and not work I truly would

then to top it off it just always seems like there is an issue at home

i am also frustrated with my living arrangements and want to go, like I honestly just want to go far far away from here

i am over the rat race in DC
hell i am over the race period

i just wanna go do my job and go home
i am over a lot of things a LOT
so i am frustrated and i need to get it together so i can get out of not just one but BOTH of these situations
seriously
if you feel like you are getting hit on multiple sides all the times and can't find peace its time for a change

Dead wrong

that's how i feel

the news i just received or received yesterday is DEAD WRONG

my mother also has cancer....

really?

she has be diagnosed with thyroid cancer

so BOTH my parents have cancer at the same time

this woman has survived breast cancer and a host of other things
she doesn't drink, or smoke
she is one of the BEST people ever and i am not just saying that, she has been there for people that's just her and she doesn't deserve this

i am angry
very angry
she doesn't deserve it...

she is in great spirits and has a wonderful outlook...and i hope and pray that i too can come to grisps with it...but right now

i can't

bitter sweet

i am sitting in my parents room as my mom recovers from her surgery (yea that's not what i thought i was coming down here for either...but turns out she needed surgery while I was here) and my dad is resting from his daily treatment

but life is good because i have been able to be with them more than i ever would have had i been at home

to see them both and to see them doing so well is good

my dad is in good spirits and so is my mother

its made the trip here all the more worth while for me

tomorrow i'll depart from Mobile, AL with one more suitecase than i arrived with (I wonder how much Delta is going charge for 4 bags)

i have enjoyed my time here, the time spent with family and the work i was able to be apart of

it's bitter sweet because i enjoy the work, i enjoy being only 3 hours from my parents and the 20 minute commute, free parking and NO homeless people harassing me

furthermore, its cheap here and most of all its been cooler here then in the DMV
its what 105 degrees with the heat index it feels like what 115
here it merely feels like it feels 90 or so degrees

so i can appreciate that

i am ready to get back but not really i am not looking forward to the hour long commute sharing my house and the foolishness that is my office...GREAT people not so much for the work

so i am ready to be bored again and blaza

and i'll miss my parents

but i'll also be happy to see my dog...and my folks

kasarahsarahwhateverwillbewillbe

...made

sometimes decisions are made for you

and then there is no decision to make

i'll be returning to DC on Friday, 7/22

NOT because i wasn't wanted here

NOT because my work didn't speak for itself

NOT because i didn't fit in

NOT because i didn't work hard

but because bureaucracy is there and it is what it is....

so be it

decisions

decisions are best made with thought?

with a prayer?

with instincts?

with a flip of a coin?

i haven't figured out how best to make major decisions other than what makes sense

when something makes sense

even if it doesn't seem feasible or realistic

if in the bigger picture of my life it will help me reach an ultimate goal i will do it

sometimes you have to take what may seem like two steps back to take that giant leap forward

i have an opportunity to take steps that would seem like steps back (I would take a pay cut, not a cut in grade but the cost of living here is lower) so that i could gain the skills and knowledge needed to go forward

well its not in my hands any more

i have made my intentions known that i will stay here and whatever happens happens

Le BOOM

YES!

this song is on repeat as i sit in my living room

just chilling....doing nothing at all

my hair in pen curls, my clothes ironed for tomorrow, my shake fixed, my fruit washed and fixed...

i had my soup and now i'll eat my salad

i just sat and watch a crazy video with JD, Kevin Hart, Nelly, Tammy (basketball wives) , Bobby Brown and Nick Cannon...YES random, ridiculous and HALARIOUS

As much as i miss home i am enjoying my experience here in AL

they keep hinting that i could stay here, the other guy will have to go to Iraq for a year...the ONLY way i would do a year here is if HIM and lil him could come and bring my DOG and my truck....otherwise NO and definitely NO if they aren't paying for my living expenses as it is now...i still gotta pay a mortgage and bills at home so negative

i must say i like being in a field office much better than the main office...different work and definitely a different vibe

the work is different and i enjoy it...i haven't really taken to many full weekends i normally work one day, i'll be working this friday as well...(my work week is sun-thurs)...

being here gives me time to breathe and rest up a little bit

there are talks of marriage and with those talks comes a lotof work...getting a job, renting out my house, buying a new house, oh plan a wedding and get married

we were going on a cruise this year, but that has been pushed back

definitely interesting

as much as i have always wanted to be married and i do love him and my mini him..i am afraid of the work that a marriage brings and the fact that i won't have just me to be responsible...i'll have a family that i am responsible for....that's deep

heck i just got me under control, well kinda

HA

i don't do much on the weekends here, hell i be tired especially with working like i did yesterday 10 hours! then my sinuses haven't given me a rest here! and i need new glasses...i think he headaches will slow down when i get those because looking at a computer all day can definitely do something to your eyes that's for sure...

LD relationships are hard, but bearable when you see the person every or at least every other weekend...not seeing him for a month is a bit much actually it will be 5 pretty much 6 weeks before he comes down next weekend...

such is life

he is amazingly supportive but in the same breathe he gets on my ever lasting nerve

*shrugs* i am sure i get on his nerves equally

can we say "pre-marital counseling for $500 Alex" lol

ok...well thought i would check...

southern belle

well not exactly

but currently i am residing in Mobile, AL until the end of July...we all know that my daddy was diagnosed with prostate cancer and right after his diagnosis there was a temporary position that was also an AWESOME opportunity for me professionally was posted...

so I applied, called and did an self imposed impromptu interview and got it...

welll I wasn't scheduled to come until this Monday, June 6th, however, as with most things in life, nothing ever goes as we plan...sooooo i had to come Monday, May 23rd....oh did i mention the week before I had to leave i had to go away for 3 days for business so that didn't leave much time to pack but i took the advice of one of my girls and packed for 20 days instead of trying to be overwhelmed with packing for 60 days...

so three suitcases ($185 later, thanks DELTA) i got down here

my apartment (which i had to find myself) is AWESOME! fully furnished top floor, DELUX because i have a loft with a full size washer and dryer and its OH so peaceful

its been an adjustment i miss home, i miss my dog, even my brother...of course i miss him and lil him...but it was definitely needed

BECAUSE i drive to work daily 20 minutes TOPS with the so-called traffic! I would be stuck on that funky metro right now if i was home

its quiet, its just me...sometimes you need that, sometimes as a person, a woman especially you can get so lost in everything and everyone else around you, so its good to just get back to ME

i am sick right now so i won't be traveling the three hours this weekend to see the folks but i'll definitely be going up next weekend

i think all of the stress of the last 6 months, the up and down the back and forth and everything has finally caught up with me so i'll just be chillin doing much of nothing this weekend

definitely going to try to get into the working out and things this week, i have been here two weeks so only 6 left time to try to get it cracking...hopefully if i get up on rest i'll be good to go...

oh did i say that i am living by shops, a movie theater, restaurants, 30 minutes from the beach and the outlets!

sheeesh don't tell nobody but i kinda like Mobile, ALABAMA

....sitting

that's what i am doing right now

sitting in the Jackson airport waiting on my plane to arrive so i can depart the dirty dirty...which by the way isn't that dirty at all

in fact its extremely clean and peaceful

the weather has been perfect, no humidity, sunshine, clean skies and a breeze, unlike what i hear is going on in the DMV right now....its been raining and raining and raining...

i didn't see any signs of the flooding but the taxi cab driver (a local) stated that the river is going to hit the crest point today...and a couple of the small towns will be affected by it

sad, its really sad that smaller towns (peoples homes, businesses, schools) will be sacrificed to spear larger cities...pretty much what they did in Katrina when they let the ninth ward flood to spear the downtown area....iamjustsaying

so the former governor had a child outside of his marriage and we learn today that the child was born only 4 days apart from his youngest son with his wife? really dude? so how much taking care of your child did you have to do to keep her quite all those years, including during the elections, because dirt ALWAYS comes out! so clearly the lil boy didn't know that you were his daddy because that would've come out, kids slip they can't keep secrets...furthermore, how sad for those children...people are so selfish

i have said it before and i'll say it again,

the opposite of love isn't hate it's SELFISHNESS period!

i saw my folks on tuesday they looked GREAT! I mean really really great...they were fussing as always and they are just too funny for words

the most classic thing was him holding the GPS and repeating EVERYTHING that the thing said to my mother...it talks she can hear it but he felt the need to say it i am sitting here smiling at it because it was soooo funny

"PC the thing said you about to turn right, you better get over, PC the thing sad turn right"

i'll be a temporary resident down here, well not here, but down south in 4 days...i am missing a few parties, some cookouts, some bridal showers, graduations, i mean a ton of events but you know the trade off isn't much...you gotta make sacrifices that's life and in order for me to be able to see my daddy and take him to his treatments, to be around them pretty much every weekend the ability to do "dinner and a movie" or "mani/pedi and lunch" with my mommy, to be able to see them as often as possible right now is what is most important

PLUS add to the fact that its a temp position for work which will help me when i decide to transfer

WINNING

i have been studying various religions lately, not because i am converting, but i need to understand things, i need to not be ignorant to why people believe what they believe and thus do what they do...

so in the hotel there was the Bible and the book of Mormon so i started reading that last night, i don't get it...i am reading about Islam and that i get a little more, now i am trying to understand how a religion based on living life as the prophet in peace is violent...but not...its all interpretation, all religions, its an interpretation of whatever book, bible you decide to read and decide that you believe in...the thing that i found interesting was that the prophet acknowledged the Christians and the Jews (who teased the Arabs by the way as being cut out of God's plan) its just interesting...

knowledge is a circle, you give, you receive...i like learning and understanding just because it helps you stand firmer in your own personal beliefs...

whatever you believe in, just respect others for what they believe in...that's how i feel about that...

i know from whom i derived and i understand walking in his image is what we should all strive to do...

i think that's what i am going to be doing while i am gone, i am going to focus on myself, my personal relationship with HIM and me....get my mind right, get my body right, get my spirit right...

i am nervous about leaving for various reasons...but i am at peace about it

stand tall and smile

that's what i am going to do right now

just stand

what do the old folk say at times like these "when it rains it pours"

well they aint never lied

everything always seems to hit you at once

and what do you have to do in the midst of it all

you have to STAND
you have to SMILE

that's what you have to do

i can't not go to work, i can't hide under a rock, i can't run away from it all and just sit in my room in my bed, with cakes and cookies until it all goes away (i have said before i am an emotional eater *shrugs*)

i will say this though at times like this when everything is coming from every which a way...i realize that i am more like my momma then not

when i say that woman is like IT to me...

she is IT
spiritual
strong
sweet
supportive
sassy

all that and i know that i'll never be like HER but if i can be like half of her...man oh man still ahead of the game

i have shed my tears about both situations and now i just want to keep it moving

not to say i won't have moments
not to say it won't be hard

but having conversations like the one with my daddy where he is in RARE form and has me cracking up laughing about how he is getting a Harley but won't come up off $250 so i can get my mom a Dyson vacum for her mother's day gift is just straight up CLASSIC to me, we always tend to talk the most trash to one another and when he's like that i know he's feeling well so that makes me smile

i have said all that i have and will say in terms of the other situation
disappointed
but lesson learned

one thing i have truly learned is that as a woman i will not make an excuses to anyone (male, female, momma, daddy, whoever) about my size, my hair, NOTHING

i know that there are things i can improve about my physical, but more importantly i want to keep learning and loving internally...

i may not be all that physically "beautiful"

but i am beautiful, in my own way, in my own skin...inside and OUT (because i am not bad looking at all)

i am beautiful

so i will smile and focus on finding my inner peace and joy, not happiness, not right now, happiness depends on happenings in your life its a thing that can come and go...i want joy and peace, something that's much deeper something that no matter will be there in my heart in my soul in ME and NO ONE and NOTHING can take those things away from you

plus i look so much better when i stand tall and smile

precious

"Ma what did you mean by Daddy needing a CT scan to determine if the cancer had spread"

"oh I didn't tell you, I thought I did, your father has prostate cancer"

and just like that i felt like my stomach had gone into me feet

i still haven't stopped shaking and i received the information over 24 hours ago but i can't stop shaking i have the shakes

my nerves are on edge and i can't shake it

plus they don't know enough information to me

what is the score of his diagnosis (meaning is he in the early intermediate or advanced stages)
what is the grade of his tumors

no answers!

i think she blacked out and he doesn't listen to the doctors anyway, that's his coping mechanism, he says if he doesn't know how bad it is then he can't worry himself

i told my mother its her job to just take care of him

I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR MYSELF

i will ask all of the questions, do all of the research, understand the options and tell them what i think they should do based on whatever the doctor tells me

i have booked my flight already and will be there for 4 nights at the end of May...its time to get answers and get to moving

my daddy turns 65 next month, that's YOUNG

he hasn't walked me down the isle yet
he hasn't given me away yet
we haven't had our first dance
he hasn't held my child
we haven't sat on the porch of my custom made home and just laughed and joked

there is still SO MANY THINGS that need to be done
so many more memories that need to be made

yes a lot of people survive prostate cancer, i get that but STOP telling me how this person and that person survived it

they aren't MY DAD that's just plain and simple they are NOT

he's already sick, already taking as much as he can just to fight the different issues he has now...if he wasn't as sick he is now, i would feel a little better about it, but the fact of the matter is he already takes almost 15 pills a DAY for his many conditions

now you may add some more medication, radiation, chemo, oh and let's not forget that he was in the hospital to get a biopsy on his kidneys yesterday when i called her out on the reason for the CT scan she gave me on Tuesday! so he also has issues with his kidneys not properly functioning...good news (if there such, but it really was) was that the cyst on his kidney wasn't cancerous so it hadn't spread as far as they can tell, but the CT scan oh and the bone scan he has to have on Monday will show if the cancer has spread or not

and all of this is happening and i am 14 hours away...

i can't see him
i can't hug him
i can't make him laugh by doing something silly or saying something off the wall

he sounds so weak

i keep trying to focus on work but i can't
physically i am here but otherwise i am not

this helpless feeling i have is eating me up

i can't fix it
i can't make him feel better
i can't help my mom

i can't

i CAN and will continue to PRAY and have faith that whatever GOD's will is for him, will be

i just don't want to see my daddy suffer, he doesn't deserve to suffer...i see now why he's always saying his back is hurting, he's always in pain

all i can do is pray and what will be will be

two more days....

and it would've made for a full month since i blogged

but since i haven't blogged in a while, i figured i should go ahead and make do

i really don't know what to blog about

seems i haven't been feeling much like myself lately

mainly because i suffer from chronic sinuitus and stay sick around this time of year...i know that seasonal allergies tend to bring anyone down and make them feel like they are dragging but with me its to the extreme...how about i finally do what i am supposed to do and take my allergy shot weekly so that i can get to maintenance and therefore won't need them any more

i find that i have been really quiet lately in general at work, at home, i don't talk that much to anyone anymore, not even my momma, those conversations are pretty short, i know pretty unbelievable

i don't know why, well yes i do, when i don't have anything really productive or positive to say, i tend to go into my shell, when i am feeling like there is way to much going on for me to handle i go into my shell

can i tell you a secret (i know right like the world wide web makes sense to tell a secret to) but i don't think i am really ready for this whole wife and mother thing.

there i said it!

its a LOT of work, maybe if we were in the same house it would be easier, but we aren't even in the same state, which makes for me living out of a suitcase and living in crazy times more often then not

this past weekend, on saturday i slept until 11am! i can't even start to remember when i have been able to sleep in, my body just doesn't allow for it, and always tend to get up by 9 at the latest but not this weekend, i was home and i slept got up went to the couch and slept some more...sunday i cleaned like a mad woman, washed clothes, just did things around the house and then i got so caught up in walmart i missed passover service...its literally been like 2, 2 1/2 months since i have been to walmart and really did shopping for myself and my house

i don't say this all to say that i mind, but it is a lot when you have someone or someoneS depending on you, its even more pressure when the other someone is a little toddler (is he even consider a toddler he's not quit 2)

and to add to the pressure, he looks like he could be my child...so now you have people thinking he is my son, that i am his mother (but his birth mother doesn't have the best reputation, so in no way shape or form do i want people thinking i am her!)

i think some people remember me from my previous years, and then others have never seen her so the probably just assume that i am her, and even my own momma says he looks like he could be mines, so that makes it hard because until all the court stuff is over, we can't really move forward, well we can, but he (the daddy) needs some closure on the situation

and i am sure being the sole provider for the little guy isn't what he thought he would have to deal with, and i try as best as i can to be supportive, but geesh it can really get hard

but then he says my name "T" or asks for me when i am gone or smiles at me or laughs when he hears my voice and it makes it all worth it

they both are my lil short men, and i love them dearly

but i gotta find the balance, why is it always so very very hard to find the balance?

i need to work out again, i need to take care of myself more

heck can i just go and have time for a mani/pedi

its like a long distance relationship on steroids because there is NO down time, or very little and then there is the whole other subject (which i don't even want to discuss) about being together for eva eva eva...which we need to make a decision about because who wants to have their heart broken again, not me NOR do i want to break lil lil man's heart

i have no clue what i am doing right now, i mean i know but i don't know, i love his dad, but is love enough? how much longer can i do long distance? i can't move anywhere without two things a ring and a job, he can't go anywhere because he is in school and needs to finish!

i guess or know rather that in situations like these this is where FAITH comes into play, because i clearly have NO answers!

kung fu panda

Inner peace
inner peace
inner peac

remember the master kept asking for inner peace

and then the turtle was trying to tell him whatever is going to be its going to be you have to just accept it and make the most of it and not look at it for what YOU think it is but what it really is

i have finally stopped stressing myself out over something that i personally have NO control

i have finally realized that at this point the ONLY person i can control is me and that its time for me to focus on me and not lose all that i have worked hard to gain

i have also finally realized that people can ONLY be who they are...and a lot of times that comes from how we are raised, where we grow up, our friends, our spirituality...

it can be a number of thinks but the point is, we can only be who we are, period...

and once you see that and you let go of these boxes we put others and ourselves in

you come to peace

i went to a memorial service this weekend and this man, whom i never had the pleasure of meeting, life preached his own service

and it made me think of what i want my dash to represent about me

i don't want to be angry
bitter
or mean

and i found myself being that more often than not lately because i was driving myself crazy about things i can't control

its not a question of love
its a question of effort and work, the willingness to put in the work to make a relationship happen and to keep it happy

at this point its not even him its me, i am not ready and i am not ready because i can't see myself committing for various reasons

i can love you all day and you can love me

but if at the end of the day we'll be "roommates" than what is the purpose

so i let go

and i'll let it fall where it falls

and i am finally really ok with it

wild flower

by new birth

have you ever heard it?
its one of the most beautiful songs

"let the rain fall down upon her.......she's free and gentle flower growing wild, she is my flower"

I love this song...I remember the first time i heard it, i was in high school, my older brother big W, always had an ear for music, plus he was born in the 1972 (unlike myself who is a 1980 baby)

so my parents were in their 20s and they were jammin, my dad loves music so the house was always pumpin i am sure...so when i was younger that love for music was passed on to me through my brother...

random but how i am feeling

so that brings me to my current point:
has anyone seen that Gucci man "I don't love her" video?
have you all listened to the lyrics?
if you haven't, go youtube it and come back, i'll wait

ok you done

now here is the thing i wanted to yell and scream at this bama this morning

"DUDE she don't love you either! and if it wasn't for the money in your pocket or the car you was driven she wouldn't be paying you no mind...and further more have YOU looked at YOURSELF, but whatever works for you boo"

i just can't believe that some folks think that they are all that, and maybe he really doesn't think that but really in a song?

now don't get me wrong i am a woman that realizes that there are different types of women
there is
the slut
the roller
the holy roller
the lady
the golddigger
the bitch
and the queen

i am not not one of those women that is disillusioned to believe that there isn't a variety when it comes to the type of women that are out here, or that some women have once belonged in one category and transferred to another OR that someone is a combination of various categories

the problem i have is that allow there is a variety in the types of women there isn't a variety in the types of music

i recall lil wayne saying and i paraphrase because i can't remember something like he tells the truth about women that there are in fact bitches in the world

i can't say that he's lying, i have all brothers, yes there are some bitches in the world

and like david banner once said, "i still love my queens but bitches hipped me to the game"

*shrugs*

ok

but where are the songs about "wild flowers" or flying our "pretty wings" to me there isn't enough balance

music today is completely unbalanced and i am tired of hearing about the bitches and what they do and not about the queens!

that's why you got these 30 year old thugs running around here thinking this type of thing is cute

now mind i will again say, women themselves determine how a man treats them...like my man said the other day "if you are being treated like a roller, you may have roller tendencies"

but stop talking about just the one side

talk about the whole spectrum of women and who we are and what we bring to the table

there are a lot of ladies and queens in the world who walk the walk and talk the talk, head healed high and handling our business, we aren't perfect but we strive to be the best that we can be

can i get a song...thanks!

umi says...the people

so i have come to a crossroads or conclusion in my life

i have decided to step down at the end of the year from Kiamsha as the director

its just time, its been 10 years, its run its course and its time for new people to come in and pump some fresh blood into the organization and the youth

i love the kids

so i will always be around but i just don't have it in me to go every monday night anymore

i am as my homegirl said "on the upswing of life" i am trying to build things right now and its not fair to the kids or the organization if i feel like my attention needs to be on my life and what i am personally trying to do

i got kids to feed (yes i know dramatic) but i do and spending time with those kids and family and figuring out what i want to do with my life right now is key

its just that time

what will i know do with my monday nights?

i have no idea, maybe focus on school or building a life for myself

i will always give back that's apart of my spirit, my blood, my dna...maybe i'll focus on mentoring one on one, or just being there for the few youngins that i know that have already come through

this world can be a cruel place and we all can use all the support we can get

maybe i'll finally go back to school and study african american history get my PhD

maybe i'll have a kid of my own

its just time to let that part of my life go and move on and forward

my heart isn't IN IT like it was before like it should be these youngins need people that aren't tired of the politics of things or frustrated with the way things are done or not done...

now what to do next?

Protect it

"hard work is protect it gotta respect..." gods'illa

that's how i am feeling about life and how and where i am at presently

there has been a lot happening in my life lately and sometimes more often than not i have been reverting back to a lot of bad habits i had outgrown and i realized that i was doing that

i worked really hard not to let people, places, and things, get me out of the character that i am developing

main ingredient for that character for me is PEACE

period

that's all i want is peace, to be peace and to bring peace

and i realize that you can't expect for anyone to protect or appreciate all that you have accomplished or are trying to accomplish because no one works for what you have but you

whether its mental, emotional, spiritual, or least material

its not theirs, its YOURS so if you want it, if you want to hold on to it

YOU GOTTA PROTECT IT

that's the end

so with this lesson or reminder if you will presented to me

i am no longer angry

i just am

because i realize that the ONLY person that my happiness depends on or my safety depends on or my sanity depends on or my tranquility depends on or my peace depends on

is me and the Almighty

that's it...

nothing and no one else is responsible or will ever be responsible for me but me and the one that's been with me from the beginning and will be with me in the end

and with this reminder i move on

rain drops

its raining outside

and that is pretty much how i feel on the inside

maybe the older i get the less patience i have about or with certain things, but i have come to learn a few things about myself lately, i don't love in between, either i love you and i give you all i got, or i don't fool with you at all...there isn't any gray area for me

i don't know how not to love and nurture, support and encourage, and just give the best of me to the person i love

but i have learned i don't take as long as i used to, to get feed up with the dumb stuff

not long at all...

i've said it before it doesn't take all day to recognize sunshine, and maybe my packaging isn't the prettiest or the smallest but my heart shines like gold

i remember once a friend said to me "maybe you aren't meant to be married" that comment still lingers and she doesn't even probably realize the damage she did that day (another example of how words do hurt) or how things will never be the same between us and i have always looked are her differently since...

and those words hang over my head like a curse

maybe love, marriage, children, the things i want most in this world on this earth aren't meant for me

i am really starting to believe that its not going to happen

i guess everything aint for everybody

i'd rather be alone than "with" someone and insecure, unsure and confused because of the
onesidedness of it all...

i guess i'll just be hopeless

because right now i don't believe anymore that i can have it all

time to face reality and get back to being just me

frustration

i haven't been really really frustrated in a LONG time
but i am definitely there again...

i don't like being off centered and i am really off centered right now

i don't get off until 6 tonight and my house looks a straight up mess! It needs to be cleaned so that I can have some sense of peace, I have to do it...but i am soooo very very tired right now
i have to work tomorrow
i am working on sunday
i have two papers and discussion participation due sunday by midnight
i need to go grocery shopping
i need to start working out again
i need to do laundry
i need to CLEAN

i am not happy right now

i totally have been neglecting myself and focusing on others and trying to help them get set up and i don't feel appreciated at all for it
and their stuff is good and straight, house clean set up, food in the crib, the whole nine...MY house looks like a tornado hit it and i don't have anything in there remotely considered editable

why? smh

i have no one to blame but myself

i care too much and i don't want to care much anymore i want to not care at all and i wish i could just turn my feelings off and not be bothered

i am now frustrated at work, and i will say i am very fortunate but i am frustrated because i am trying to move forward and take advantage of some things and initially it was "go for it" now its "are you sure" yes i am sure and i am applying if i get it that's not up to me but i am trying for it and i'll prove myself like i always do

why do i always have to prove something to someone in some form or fashion in my life?

so very very frustrating...so now i just want to simply do my work and mind my business and go home that's it that's all...

i am in the top 10 even more top than that but its not relevant, but i am producing and working hard but whatever

so again i am frustrated

did you say you want one thing, but you haven't acted on it in any shape or form and you wonder why i don't really care about what you just said...i do care, but i don't...why should i
love is a verb and i can't tell sir...

i have learned a lot of things in this lil life of mines and one thing is for sure is not getting head over heels with words...words mean nothing to me, NOTHING if you don't act like it on a consistent basis i could care less
consistency
stability
loyalty

if i don't feel confident in those things, then welp i don't know what to tell you

heck i don't even know what to tell myself

frustrated

update

ummmm so i am sick YET AGAIN

this time i am sick with the flu...

here is what i learned during this week of being off from work (which i could NOT afford, however such is life) 1. i need to find a new primary care doctor because that chick told me i had a cold and i told her it wasn't a cold but she dismissed what i was saying

LESSON: keep listening to my body and find a new primary care doctor

2. if all else fells a minute clinic/urgent care place like patient first in the DMV area is AWESOME...2 hours later i have a true diagnosis of the flu and all it took was them swabbing my nose, but they also took a chest x-ray and blood work...2 hours later a proper diagnosis and i am on my way...

i think i'll be working next weekend both Saturday and Sunday because i definitely want my 4 day weekend and I definitely don't have any leave and i need to build that up...i'll probably work late every day the week of V day makes me no difference i do have to be careful now though because i have other work now

SIDE NOTE: why is that awful show "the steve harvey project" currently on my tv, its on mute because i was doing homework/school work (we'll get to that in a minute) but anyways why immediately when i looked up at the sistah on i KNEW she was wearing a wig...smh sad

yes i have decided on a certificate program it may end up being another master's degree but honestly, i am not that pressed so it really may just be a certificate...i am taking 3 classes and 1 of them isn't graded but required, its a research course but my thing is if you already have a graduate degree why do i have to take this mess! but its cool...i have gotten a 8 out of 8 on my first quiz and 7 out of 8 on my second...

the entire thing is online again but i think i am better prepared for it this semester than last...plus the certification is in my field and has the words "management" behind it...and being that i have determined that i want to go into the management track at my current job this will allow me to go to another level

so the feds have put a hiring freeze into effect...so that means we currently are hiring anyone outside of the agency and it also means that you can't go anywhere either!

now we still haven't determined what we "are" and we both decided that we wouldn't make a move until next year anyways...meaning that whatever THIS is, to be fair we are "exclusively" figuring this out...meaning we aren't dealing with anyone else while during this process to give it a fair shot...now the reason being that 1. people get second chances, not thirds and 2 if this s it then this is IT, period the end! stamp it we are both done, off the market for good, marriage...so its not like date, bf/gf, engaged, then marriage, pretty much skip the second stage and start planning for marriage...but for now, its a friendship and its going to be long distance...i just need to get used to this whole long distance thing again...

only on weekends will i get to see the person...and my lil person...that's tough right?

but we are both in school and working full time and he's a full time single parent so time is tight anyways during the weeks that makes communicating so very important

we'll see though because you know things seem one way and can easily shift another especially when its all on the winds of "figuring it out"

oh i have been in this house a year, i think i said that last post...OH but i did figure out that there is program in MD that you can apply for that keeps your taxes from jumping up all crazy, you know i applied so now i must wait and see what happens next...fingers crossed...

it seems like, or i know rather that every time something seems to not be working for me or not like its going to work out, things tend to work out

so i just glanced down and i have 4.4 days worth of music on my itunes (did i mention i stepped on and cracked my second ipod nano touch CLASSIC) not enough i need more music...how about i stop being lazy and download all my CDs on this thing

SIDE NOTE: golden decides she likes trash, so she has been snacking on random things the last two days, she just came in front of me and looks like she is in pain, so i motion for her to sit on the couch with me, what does she do, stands there and throws up on my carpet! incredible, not the hardwood floor, the carpet...great

i am feeling better though because i cleaned today...i couldn't take it anymore...i am still tired though and being that i was sick i have a lot of work to catch up on for school and i am sure next week will be a bit much...

i wonder how long its going to take before something is determined, i wonder how long i'll be willing to let this unknown state carry on? it doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine right?

556

that's the number of this post

i don't have a title because there are so many things going on in my head

so my mortgage jumped by dag on near $200 a month because the taxes on this house went UP!

huh? like that didn't compute when i bought this place that you know at the yearly tax assessment or due to an increase in your insurance your monthly payment can go up or down and here i was thinking that by getting a fixed interest rate i knew what my mortgage payment would be

had i known this i wouldn't have went out and bought a new truck (well new to me) but still new

GLAD i didn't jump out there on the 35K + Audi Q7 i'd be mad short right about now...

mind you i was JUST feeling good about the purchase this morning because i wasn't sliding last night in the snow that hit the DMV AND i was about to drive right over the snow in my driveway to get out and go to work since the feds decided all people needed was a 2 hour delay, mind you i slept in this peace with NO power last night and didn't have any this morning so it was touch and go if i was going to make it in...

but when you have NO leave and a week long cruise that's been paid for coming up, you find the way to get your hindmost to work...

i digress...

i promise that all of this being positive for people and trying to be a cheerleader is definitely being a drain on me...

but i said my piece and i will have my peace ya dig

i saw a young couple on the train today...they have 5 kids...looked like they were back to back to back...including the one that wasn't even a year yet in the stroller...here's the thing, all the kids were happy, healthy, clean and the young couple were married (at least they had on wedding rings) and they looked happy...i wonder why we don't see images like that...hell anybody in THIS economy with 5 kids could be struggling...and they maybe...but they were happy and there was a lot of love and respect between all of them...made me smile

well looks like something is going to have to get cut WAY out in my life in order to make this payments and still be good...time to make decisions and once again put on my big guru drawers and keep it moving...

another lesson learned on my own as an adult

geesh

communication

i have said it before and i will say it again

COMMUNICATION is KEY!

there is no way around that, if you can't tell the other person in your life what is going on, why you feel this way or that, or why this happened or that, heck why you are running late its going to cause a problem!

PERIOD!

the end...put a stamp on it seal it and deliver it, i'll pay the postage for it...

why don't people get that...its not that hard to just open your mouth...its not like i grew up in the best home for communication either, however, i know that as adult you can't constantly blame what happened in your life as a child on how you behave now...so therefore you take stock you look at what it is and you make the proper adjustments so that you can have a happier and healthier life than your parents provided you, as they tried to do for you...you know we are supposed to do better than our parents right, that's what they tell us all the time...

so be better

do better

why?

because you know better!

period you know good and freaking well what is going on and what isn't...

COMMUNICATE THAT!

people need to stop acting as if the TRUTH was some sort of crippling aliment or something

its the TRUTH straight up clear as day, black and white, nothing gray or purple or pink or red about it

it just is...and when people care about you they can accept the truth they can deal with the truth they will bare with you, why? because you told the truth

however, when you are constantly lacking the willingness to communicate and then act like communicating is the worse thing on the planet

well then i have a problem because i tend to live in black and white i don't and can't nor will i live in gray

why?

because i don't have to

look back...

i was at work today

not being that productive but productive

and i went back to 2006 and read some of my old blogs

a couple of things i have noticed

1. i don't get as HEATED as i used to, i was HOT a lot back then
2. there clearly aren't as many people left in blog land
3. i don't talk about HALF the stuff i used to talk about

DUDE
i was funny
sometimes deep
i talked about political stuff
religious stuff
my family
everyday LIFE

now, i am sure that the past year or so has been about LOVE and the lack there of in my life
well i know i blogged about my house and my job and my dog
but mainly its been about LOVE

i guess i am in that phase of my life, being 30 and all, that i still want that in my life

but geesh is that ALL there is to me?
is there all that there is to my life wanting and waiting for love?
if that is it, i am about as deep as a tic

and i would like to think that i am deeper than an insect that sucks the blood off of pure defenseless animals as its nourishment

i used to write, like really write
maybe i was deeper than because i was in graduate school
maybe going back to school will give me new and interesting things to blog about
maybe i need to write more about the random thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis as i walk the streets of DC

or maybe i am simply boring...

i don't go out that much any more and besides the random crazy phone call, as i got today from my parents, yelling and my father in the background talking about the size of his prostate (of which included information that as his child i have NO NEED to know) or my mother calling me complaining about Madea for the umpteenth time OR my brother complaining or fussing about whatever issues he has

i really don't have much to talk about

i like being boring though, its less dramatic, still has its moments but less dramatic none the less...

i mean i know people going through break ups, i know people falling in love

i tend to have a lot of thoughts and feelings on the matters but i don't know they seem to get lost in between my brain and the keys

i haven't even written in poetry lately...

maybe its time to tap back into LIFE

love is great and everything but dude let's face it, my reality is that its me, my little dog, in my little house, with my not so little yet nice new ride...LOL

its just me

i think its time to get back to ME a little more than i have been on this blog...

hopes and dreams are all nice and errythin but i think i'll enjoy the current ride i am on a little bit more than i have been

Happy 2011!

So i think this is like what my 5th year blogging now

wow...

incredible

i remember i started June of 2006, oh how time has flown past

and 552 (this marks 553) blogs later here we are 4 and 1/2 years in the blog game

a lot of folks have come and gone or even changed up the content of what it is that they are talking about, but still the same remains, me and my willingness to share what is going on with the world no matter what or how embarrassing or how happy, sad, mad or glad...

i would like to think that people would definitely find it something that they could relate to or make them laugh or something out of this thing

the fact still remains those that the main reason i blog is for me...to get out what i need to say and hopefully get some feedback from those out there in cyberland

see the one thing i have learned over these past years is that no matter how strong or "together" we all think we are, we aren't! period the end!

so i have grown a lot and i truly do appreciate the fact that even through i have fallen on my face numerous times, my family (including my blog family) have been there to support me

right now i am definitely going through a time of transition...my holiday season definitely was a wonderful one...one of the BEST i have had in years!

i spent it with close family friend and their family and then with my extended family and god children, NYE same close family and in church...it was just peaceful no drama and fun as well...

i thought that December was turning out to be just like December 2009, but i was completely WRONG...i have said it before and i'll say it again, a day, an hour, a minute, a second can definitely make all the difference in the world on how you see and view things

things aren't where I think they should be, but who am i right?
i know that things need to be shown, i know that we both have to be sure, we ARE talking about a LIFE TIME COMMITMENT here, lifetime, like years, like forever, forever eva, eva eva...
as much as i deem myself to be ready to be a wife (although up until my bible study on the subject about 4 months ago i really thought i was ready until bibilically i learned i wasn't even close) i have come to conclude that clearly GOD is still working some things out before that move can be made...being a wife and mother (instantly) won't be easy, but as long as he is secure in his decision to have me in his life i think i'll be ok

i think that's the thing, every woman, well ok, i'll speak for me, i want to know that you believe and feel like i am the missing piece to your puzzle...i mean we all can function and move on with life but do we want to is the question? like sure the two of them would be fine without me, but do you want to?

so now i sit back i watch and i wait to see what 2011 has in store for me...not easy, its not easy letting go and not having control over things

but in my work life when i did that, things turned out alright, in my financial life i did that and things turned out better than expected...i worked at it but i just allowed things to fall where they were going to fall...and they fell right into place

now i must allow love to do the same thing...totally not that easy but we shall see