Tuesday, April 19, 2011

two more days....

and it would've made for a full month since i blogged

but since i haven't blogged in a while, i figured i should go ahead and make do

i really don't know what to blog about

seems i haven't been feeling much like myself lately

mainly because i suffer from chronic sinuitus and stay sick around this time of year...i know that seasonal allergies tend to bring anyone down and make them feel like they are dragging but with me its to the extreme...how about i finally do what i am supposed to do and take my allergy shot weekly so that i can get to maintenance and therefore won't need them any more

i find that i have been really quiet lately in general at work, at home, i don't talk that much to anyone anymore, not even my momma, those conversations are pretty short, i know pretty unbelievable

i don't know why, well yes i do, when i don't have anything really productive or positive to say, i tend to go into my shell, when i am feeling like there is way to much going on for me to handle i go into my shell

can i tell you a secret (i know right like the world wide web makes sense to tell a secret to) but i don't think i am really ready for this whole wife and mother thing.

there i said it!

its a LOT of work, maybe if we were in the same house it would be easier, but we aren't even in the same state, which makes for me living out of a suitcase and living in crazy times more often then not

this past weekend, on saturday i slept until 11am! i can't even start to remember when i have been able to sleep in, my body just doesn't allow for it, and always tend to get up by 9 at the latest but not this weekend, i was home and i slept got up went to the couch and slept some more...sunday i cleaned like a mad woman, washed clothes, just did things around the house and then i got so caught up in walmart i missed passover service...its literally been like 2, 2 1/2 months since i have been to walmart and really did shopping for myself and my house

i don't say this all to say that i mind, but it is a lot when you have someone or someoneS depending on you, its even more pressure when the other someone is a little toddler (is he even consider a toddler he's not quit 2)

and to add to the pressure, he looks like he could be my child...so now you have people thinking he is my son, that i am his mother (but his birth mother doesn't have the best reputation, so in no way shape or form do i want people thinking i am her!)

i think some people remember me from my previous years, and then others have never seen her so the probably just assume that i am her, and even my own momma says he looks like he could be mines, so that makes it hard because until all the court stuff is over, we can't really move forward, well we can, but he (the daddy) needs some closure on the situation

and i am sure being the sole provider for the little guy isn't what he thought he would have to deal with, and i try as best as i can to be supportive, but geesh it can really get hard

but then he says my name "T" or asks for me when i am gone or smiles at me or laughs when he hears my voice and it makes it all worth it

they both are my lil short men, and i love them dearly

but i gotta find the balance, why is it always so very very hard to find the balance?

i need to work out again, i need to take care of myself more

heck can i just go and have time for a mani/pedi

its like a long distance relationship on steroids because there is NO down time, or very little and then there is the whole other subject (which i don't even want to discuss) about being together for eva eva eva...which we need to make a decision about because who wants to have their heart broken again, not me NOR do i want to break lil lil man's heart

i have no clue what i am doing right now, i mean i know but i don't know, i love his dad, but is love enough? how much longer can i do long distance? i can't move anywhere without two things a ring and a job, he can't go anywhere because he is in school and needs to finish!

i guess or know rather that in situations like these this is where FAITH comes into play, because i clearly have NO answers!