Friday, April 22, 2011

precious

"Ma what did you mean by Daddy needing a CT scan to determine if the cancer had spread"

"oh I didn't tell you, I thought I did, your father has prostate cancer"

and just like that i felt like my stomach had gone into me feet

i still haven't stopped shaking and i received the information over 24 hours ago but i can't stop shaking i have the shakes

my nerves are on edge and i can't shake it

plus they don't know enough information to me

what is the score of his diagnosis (meaning is he in the early intermediate or advanced stages)
what is the grade of his tumors

no answers!

i think she blacked out and he doesn't listen to the doctors anyway, that's his coping mechanism, he says if he doesn't know how bad it is then he can't worry himself

i told my mother its her job to just take care of him

I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR MYSELF

i will ask all of the questions, do all of the research, understand the options and tell them what i think they should do based on whatever the doctor tells me

i have booked my flight already and will be there for 4 nights at the end of May...its time to get answers and get to moving

my daddy turns 65 next month, that's YOUNG

he hasn't walked me down the isle yet
he hasn't given me away yet
we haven't had our first dance
he hasn't held my child
we haven't sat on the porch of my custom made home and just laughed and joked

there is still SO MANY THINGS that need to be done
so many more memories that need to be made

yes a lot of people survive prostate cancer, i get that but STOP telling me how this person and that person survived it

they aren't MY DAD that's just plain and simple they are NOT

he's already sick, already taking as much as he can just to fight the different issues he has now...if he wasn't as sick he is now, i would feel a little better about it, but the fact of the matter is he already takes almost 15 pills a DAY for his many conditions

now you may add some more medication, radiation, chemo, oh and let's not forget that he was in the hospital to get a biopsy on his kidneys yesterday when i called her out on the reason for the CT scan she gave me on Tuesday! so he also has issues with his kidneys not properly functioning...good news (if there such, but it really was) was that the cyst on his kidney wasn't cancerous so it hadn't spread as far as they can tell, but the CT scan oh and the bone scan he has to have on Monday will show if the cancer has spread or not

and all of this is happening and i am 14 hours away...

i can't see him
i can't hug him
i can't make him laugh by doing something silly or saying something off the wall

he sounds so weak

i keep trying to focus on work but i can't
physically i am here but otherwise i am not

this helpless feeling i have is eating me up

i can't fix it
i can't make him feel better
i can't help my mom

i can't

i CAN and will continue to PRAY and have faith that whatever GOD's will is for him, will be

i just don't want to see my daddy suffer, he doesn't deserve to suffer...i see now why he's always saying his back is hurting, he's always in pain

all i can do is pray and what will be will be

2 comments:

MJ said...

We'll pray with you.

mrstdj said...

I will keep you all in prayers. My father (a very young 59) is currently battling prostate cancer as well. Hit me up if you want to chat. ((hugs))