personal freedom

“I’m addicted to growing and living as unapologetically as possible” Shannon S. Evans

That right there is dope and deep I was introduced to this blog via jaj and I am glad that I clicked the link.

It clearly reemphasis the way that I have been feeling lately about a lot of things. I have always been a very sensitive person; a lot of times people don’t see that side because I am also a very loud, funny, a very vocal person, but being sensitive is at my core. What is also at my core is my ability to love and be genuine with those in my life.

I don’t fake or front (ain’t no future in fronting) I don’t want to say “I am real” because when you have to say that, it brings about the notion you really aren’t. As i continue to grow, I realize there is so much more that I need to learn as a woman.

One area that haunts me is the fact that I allow others and their opinions of me or the way they treat me to totally derail what I think and believe about myself.

That is utterly tragic.

It really is!

And its people that aren’t even in my circle. These are people that don’t know me or even get to know me because of some preconceived notion of what they “think” I am based on who a friend is, or where I come from, or my voice. (I have actually had people meet me in person and say by the way you sounded on the phone I would have never pictured you looking like this...what does that mean?)

Today marks the 50th anniversary of the “I have a Dream” speech and as I was coming into work reflecting on the movement, that my mother and great aunt and uncle were apart of, it hit me what the issue is.

It’s all a competition for our generation!

There is no longer a community or a collective, there's no longer a common goal that we seek to be better, it’s all about the competition, i need to better than you, and if i have to knock you down or tear you down to get that, i will. You got that house, I am going to get one bigger, you got that car I am going to get one nicer. I have never been in competition with people in life (well other than debate) I have always been extremely happy and genuine when people in MY life succeed, but I am realizing not everyone views life this way.

MOST people, even family, view life as a competition; and I realize I have been losing a race that I didn’t even know I was supposed to be running. Now aint that something! I have been insecure, a lot actually. But never in competition with people; the only person I am in competition with is myself. How can I be better? What can I do differently? What is my next move? I am always looking for the big nickel in my own life and happy when others reach theirs.

My ah ha moment is that MOST PEOPLE DON’T VIEW THE WORLD LIKE THIS!

If I allow what people think of ME to dictate how I view myself I will always fall short.
I'll say that again, if I allow what other people think of me, dictate how i view myself, I will always fall short.

This is what I have been allowing to happen.

Comments about my weight

Or slights about just looking “nice” the day I got married

Hurtful words and actions, dictating to me how I should feel.

When they are coming from people that haven’t even given me a chance, people that don’t know me.

So why again am I allowing these people take from me what I know to be true, that I am a really good person, flawed, emotional, loyal, but most of all genuine.

Sometimes you have to just sit back and reflect on where you are and WHO you are the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have given way to much power over me to people recently all in the hopes of being accepted but for what?

What acceptance or approval really do I personally need from people who haven’t even taken the real time to get to know me?

I am thankful that my spirit is one of love and joy and peace for others. That I never wonder why her and not me, that I always think WOW that’s great and not oh yea nice.

Realizing that this morning, realizing that my spirit in engrained with what the movement was about so many years ago, knowing that my mother passed those beautiful traits down to me, it gave me such a sense of self worth and love and peace this morning!

I feel myself coming back full circle to myself seeing people and things and life for what it is, and being ok with that.

But most of all seeing myself for who I am and frankly speaking, I am alright and i don't need to apologize for WHO I AM!

blogger is bugging

I have written a wonderful post (in my mind) BUT BLOGGER IS BUGGING so i'll post when it stops

all over the place randomness

so i have finally said enough is enough
i just had a snapped moment
i didn't like what i saw in the mirror
so i decided to do something serious about it
i already belong to weight watchers
i already belong to planet fitness

so i decided as of Monday, May 20th to actually utilize these tools
so i am working hard
tracking my food, turning them into points
doing my pre workout stretching at home
going to the gym doing at least 30 mins
coming home doing a little bit more working out and stretching

that might not seem like a lot to many
but for someone whose been told my medical professionals
you need to work out, but you really shouldn't because of your heart
but i figure doing 30 mins a day will help build my strength and endurance and then it'll help build my heart muscles again

it takes 3 weeks/21 days to form a habit so I am just determined to keep focused and form this life style change habit

i am glad i decided to join weight watches because it doesn't mean my family has to change what they are eating, but it helps us all watch what we are eating
and hopefully we'll all get out there and get moving physically as a family

the other thing that's been on my mind is this fear of raising a little black boy
i can't even describe how much a fear it has become for me
he has everything against him
he has everything going for him
but knowing how they mark children as delinquents as early as the 3rd grade
knowing how they are "selling" children into the juvenile system as young as 10
knowing that no matter how smart, how determined, how educated, nice, fun, active he is
people will judge him off of his look before he even opens his mouth
scares me

he's turning 4 in 3 months
and i am already looking at what school he'll be in NEXT fall
how much it will cost
because the public schools in our area aren't good enough for him
the one elementary school in the county that is good
there is always a waiting list
the private school he'll be attending is highly rated and recommended
because you have to watch these private school and charter schools just like you do public

he's such an intelligent, free spirited, loving young man
we want him in an independent school where his spirit won't be crushed

but that means mommy and daddy have a year to get our money up and right
debt down
start putting money aside
building our contingency fund
and get out of debt some more
again all debt non wedding debt but debt

so now we have
1. weight lost/lifestyle change
2. reducing debt
3. preparing lil man for school

a short list but a whole lot of major things

my health is moving forward and who knows i may or may not actually see a LB reduction on June 13, but I just want to be able to say and KNOW that i invested the time in myself to be happy with myself
and you know the old saying happy wife happy life

til next time

current mood: Happy

i am in a pretty darn good mood
tired
but happy

one our god-daugh ter was christened yesterday
it was a pretty cool day

i decided to give up carbs but allow myself a "cheat" day
well not only did i CHEAT yesterday due to the events i had several partners
it was a mess
a wonderful good mess
every single item

it was cool being around family too

we got some work to do with our son though
it's such a balance at this age
finding teachable moments
getting him not to whine about every single thing to get his way
getting people to not let him get his way
he's a single child so he definitely doesn't like to share, so we need to work on teaching him and showing him that we share
he is terriotorial and although a good thing at times, can lead to break downs because he doesn't want anyone to play with us
AND he can just be plain rude....they are definitely lil people
children have their own minds so we are learning right with him about how to be better parents and better examples actually

LESSON: loving other people how they need to be loved (even children) makes YOU a better person, pushes you to be better and more understanding

at the end of the night when it was time to leave, instead of having a fit because we were leaving his mom mom and pop pop, he grabbed our hands, putting himself in the middle, and said let's go, he wouldn't leave without both of us...that's a PRICELESS happy moment!

today
BACK to the reality
NO carbs (breads, sugars, etc)
fruits
veggies
min good carbs (sweet pototatoes, corn)

i aslo saw my mentor
she makes me happy
just her hugs makes me happy
saw her and two of my sistah girls, my mentors sister, and my girls hubby
they all make me happy
the energy
the love
the joy
the talking
giggling

lunch is always too short
but at least i am in a position to take a lunch now

funny how little things that people don't even think about mean SO much to you when you can't do them

i am starting to get tired but supposed to see another sister friend this evening
she'll be in town for work

so for a Monday
it's been full of love and laughter and Joy already

there's something else brewing (NOT A BABY) that i'll share once it's done that also has me really excited for someone i love

so you know i am HAPPY and I am going to ride this feeling until i can't no mo

43

i am sure i have journaled here about this topic of health and weight before
but yesterday's doctor visit just had me so upset i was on the verge of spitting absolute nails

so 43 is the number of LBs i have gained since last August when i was diagnosed with graves disease (Hyperthyroid condition)
i gained the weight because i was subsequently i was put on heart medication as well as other medication, went through RAI treatment and then more medication all to KILL the thyroid gland (which still isn't fully deaded yet) BUT while going through all of this
i have had a reaction to the initial medication, the initial RAI results showed my gland was slow to die, put back on another medication, which my body started rejecting as well and all in an attempt again to KILL the thyroid which then makes you HYPO the opposite of HYPER and thus the weight gain however, it's still a small dose and the thyroid is still NOT deaded yet


i can't exercise for long period of times because of my heart
i can't be outside for long periods of time to even walk because of the heart medication

BUT here's the thing
i still tried as i might to watch what i ate and things to no avail

however, yesterday, finally i was able to be placed on a medication to replace the thyroid harmon!
FINALLY
this is big because you have to really reduce the function of the thyroid gland to replace it, and replacing it is with a drug that acts like the thyroid finally will give me some relief AND allow my metabolism to come back because being HYPO i have NONE, hence the rapid weight gain

so we got all of that right, ok...

so then the dr whose care i have only been under since August to assume i merely gained back the weight i initially lost was uninformed, ridiculous and insensitive to boot.
to then follow it up with well count your calories and know you'll have to fight your weight
was just plain unprofessional
in the manor in which he said it

especially after acknowledging that i one made the right call to take myself off of a med because i could tell i was becoming hypo the weight gain was to rapid and i have actually been more active than i have when i was working nights
and then to just be flip about it almost had me flip out, ESP after i just said to you I am the heaviest i have EVER been in my life and this is a concern of mine

the reality is I am not comfortable in my own skin
people don't get that
especially people who don't have health issues and just think oh well it must be something she is doing
well you have graves and have your life turned upside down and be on how many pills daily and see how you feel with your heart coming out of your chest every single day
even people that love you and support you only get it but so much

i have never been smaller than a size 6 my freshman year of collage and i looked pretty mehhhh when i was
i like curves
i don't like feeling LARGE and that's how i feel
it's uncomfortable

i am a memeber of weight watchers already but I will use them as i should
i am cutting out the carbs and sugars as well (which i don't eat as much of but clearly i can't have any)
and regardless of how i feel i will start trying to walk at least 30 mins daily on the treadmill, even when my body hurts and i am tired because that's how i feel every single day

see going from hyper to hypo to hyper to hypo all in less than a year as taken its toll on my mind, body and spirit

i have my wedding day i am so happy i felt and looked amazing on that day
that was GOD because the week after everything fell apart health wise and its been a downward spiral ever since

part of the reason i decided to remain with this practice and not Hopkins was because of the doctor and his care, but after his attitude yesterday and the last few weeks, I think i need to find another specialist and one who can also help me understand proper weight management and not just assume i am another minority woman who has no concept of what to eat, eats what she wants and does take care

for the record:
i don't eat friend foods, pork, beef or dairy!
i don't eat cookies and cakes all the time
i eat fish, chicken, turkey
veggies
NOT McDonald's or wendy's or chik-a-fila
i don't drink soda (other than ginger ale because i stay sick all day long) or sweet tea (it actually makes my nerves bad because of the graves)
i drink nothing but smart water or fiji because its best for me with graves spring water isn't god for you
i need extra electrolytes

i take more than 10,000 steps per day

i could go on and on and on

i guess i needed to get this off of my chest because the reality is, it's hurtful for people to assume that you WANT to look and feel this way and you GOT here because you are lazy and/or you eat what you want
you aren't trying to "keep it tight" for your man
you are just another lazy fat black woman

when people question my weight, family/friends/collegues (because people are that bold) and medical professionals included, that's what you are saying to me

so i share this because you NEVER know why someone is the size or weight that they are
you NEVER know what condition or medication they are on to deal with their issues
you can't SEE everything
nor will someone SHARE everything

this has been an emerging condition for the past 5 years of my life turns out

so next time
think
just a thought

peace

the mind...

can take you to another level
both positive and negative
it can have you envision your future
and it can have you reliving painful pasts or making up things that don't exist

in the classic words of the ghetto boys
"my minds playing tricks on me"

maybe?
i don't know but i do know there is a difference between how you feel and what's real

for example
pregnancy
there are a few pregnant women in my new office
and they freak me OUT
not because i dont' think its a beautiful thing
because it is
they have a glow and the whole nine
they have the benefit of repeating the same outfit in a week because who is going to tell a pregnant lady she can't do that!
they wear flip flops in a very conservative environment

but that waddle
that pain in their faces
that belly dropping EVERY SINGLE DAY
it freaks me out

being broke freaks me out
there is something about the idea of not having enough money at any given moment for any given life tragedy that really freaks me out
not being able to take vacations
or go to see my parents
or put my son in private school
it all overwhelms me
and i say me because it was decided upon that i would take that responsibility to manage the finances of our household

yea i could do it for just me
making sure the money works for ALL THREE people a lot

the fact that people constantly want to know when we are going to "have a little girl" makes me roll my eyes like my momma would
ummm i'll have another baby when you can come take care of her and pay for her
like i don't know what goes on in folks MINDS
didn't i just have radiation?
smh
people

maybe it's just all a test though to see how much faith we really have because in order to maneuver through all the mind traps and questions of others you have to really have faith that things will 1 be alright 2 if they aren't alright will work out anyway 3 be better than expected

so you know its all a matter of just pushing forward every single day

new digs...

got me some new digs as you can see
it's spring
OFFICIALLY
even though it's snowing here
but it's officially spring and it was time for a change

i am supposed to take lil d to the circus tonight, but if mommy isn't up to it, it may not happen
just being honest

during the week when i am on this night shift, all i want to do is sleep during the day, and get up spend time with the guys, and come to work

that's it!

nothing extra
so leaving the house to do something a whole 3 hours BEFORE i am to come to work and work all night long, the thought is overwhelming

if we dont' make it, we'll make it next year for sure
he's 3 and is starting to get a memory but he won't be phased especially since i have learned to NOT hype him up about events until we are ON THE WAY
a disappointed child is heartbreaking
so we learned that lesson

oh
have you heard that new Beyonce song?
i do not like it
i do not like it sam i am
i do not like the fact houston screw
i do not like the beat
i do not like her speech
i do not like how she's trying to act
i do not like it matter of fact
i do not like it
i do not like it same i am

and i am over folks going at keisha because she speaks her mind
she said what everyone was thinking about michelle and she is saying what folks is thinking about this new song
but maybe she should text it or iMessage it just to her close gfs so it doesn't come across as hatin
ijs

i need to eat more frutis and vegges

OH speaking of food
my hubs made this cornbread that is amazing
it's sooooooooooossssssooooooooooo good
he's made it two days in a row

he actually does more than most husbands i think i need to tell him that
i try to tell him as often as possible
but i think i'll tell him again

you know who rocks my parents

OH our wedding album is done! we went through ummmmmmmmm only 5 versions and two conference calls before it was perfect perfect

that's pretty good for me
i went through ummmmmmm

maybe 6 or 7 versions of flowers before that was correct

oh i have two weddings this year!

i love doing weddings
i love fidning people deals
it's frustrating and fun

i's readtogo

peace

to be loved...

remember when i used to count down the months when we first got married?
yea well I totally forgot about hitting 5 months, seems he did too
i googled "how long are you considered a newlywed"
and i got a lot of difference answers
one year and one day
two years and two days
until you have kids (that would mean a lot of folks aren't ever newlyweds, including us)
until you stop have fun together
until you decide

so that doesn't really give me any "real" answer

i'll go with the two years, i think that's what tradition has right?

so it was sad we missed that day, but life happens and it doesn't mean we aren't excited to be married it just means we ARE married

but in about 2 1/2 weeks it'll be our sixth month mark and i think i'll want to do something special, i don't know what yet, but i am hoping to do something even if its just dinner and NOTHING else

one thing i have learned in these short months is that being married and loving someone as THEY need to be loved is the most difficult thing you could ever do
we all have our own love languages and many times the language of a husband and wife is different. a wife may need gifts and the husband acts of service. and if the wife is constantly giving her husband gifts but isn't washing his clothes and cooking for him, she could buy him the world and he still won't feel loved.
so loving someone how they need it means loving outside of what you want and giving them what they want which is TOTALLY unnatural

so for example
i have to make my husband talk to me because words of affirmation make me feel loved but if you met him and you met me you'd be like how the world, because i talk (my nickname as a child was chatter box) and he does NOT! literally the man doesn't he's always been quiet and i have always NOT been...ha! another example is he loves acts of service like me cooking, and i dont' like to cook and don't ask me to cook breakfast other than eggo's i can't help you! but my dinner is slamming so to make him smile i'll cook for him and to make me happy once a week he'll talk to me LOL literally (i made a funny, did you laugh i hope so)

i think many young people don't make it like our parents did because we always feel like divorce is an option or even if we don't we don't know how NOT to sweat the small stuff we ALWAYS want what we want when we want it all the time AND we expect things to be perfect and always happy and easy

well honey LOVE ain't easy
it's work!
it's a job a full time 24/7, 365 job that isn't about you!
it goes
GOD
your spouse
your child if you have any
and then YOU

yes you spouse comes before your child and they come before you because loving someone means putting them first, to not be selfish and think about what you want or need all the time, but what they want and need and how they feel and what they dream
that doesn't mean you neglect yourself but you work to fulfill them and guess what if the other person feels the same way both parties are fulfilled
let me say that again, if BOTH parties feels the same way, both parties are fulfilled! BAM

in theory wonderful concept, in practice a lot of darn work!

but to be loved is to experience one of the most precious gifts ever

...started from the bottom

now we here
i actually like that song by Aubrey
i didn't by the explicit version though
my voice is harder than his and i don't believe his cursing
does that sound right?
O just was shaking his head when i said that but its the truth

i started off doing all kinds of black history month pics on my instagram but that didn't last
not because i don't have a great love for all thing black (BLACK POWER) i don't think people were reading them
ehhh

HUGE change at work

i am now working overnight
not really feeling that
HOWEVER
the 10% or so increase that i'll get from working overnight and Sunday night will take care of the 10% loss we will suffer from the CONGRESS not creating a balanced budget

its hilarious to me how they are calling it Obamasequester really people and people believe that
how about both sides are just being rediculous

back to this working nights, it was either do that OR let them once again DROP me wherever they decided and that's not an option, i need to put myself where i want to be put, so i'll do this for a little while and then move on

time to pull things together to hopefully get promoted at some point this year and this time, it'll take a package

marriage life is cool
its work
but it has great moments
and being a mom is cool
being parents is work
you have to work together and agree on how things should be done and that doesn't always happen, so backing each other up eve when you don't agree with the other person is so important.

oh
i have two weddings that i am doing April and July and i am excited and nervous
its THE most important day in someone's life so i need to pay great attention to detail and ensure that everything is a perfect as possible
there were things about my day i didn't like and it was because she didnt' listen to me fully or ask me about something the day of
so i want to have a plan, A, B & C for my clients!

totally excited about 2013 so let's see if we can get this business legalized and on ready to take over the world

621: the meaning or marriage

that is the title of the book that i am currently reading
(along with ASSATA for my black history month read)
but this book is taking over my life

this is the summary of the book:
“A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery…” - Ephesians 5:31-32

Modern culture would have you believe that everyone has a soul-mate; that romance is the most important part of a successful marriage; that marriage does not mean til death do us part, but merely for as long as my needs are being met; and that when serious differences arise, divorce is the best solution.  
According to the bible, all of these modern-day assumptions miss what marriage is all about..... draws a profound portrait of marriage from the pages of Scripture that neither idealizes nor rejects the institution but points us back to the relationship between God and man. The result is a vision for marriage that is refreshingly frank and unsentimental, yet hopeful and beautiful. This book is for anyone from singles, to couples considering marriage, to those who have been married recently or for a long time

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!
i won't say what i thought was right or wrong about the statement because i couldn't figure it out really
i just know it is an in your face this is what the TRUTH is and this is reality

i have recently said that marriage is both a beautiful thing and a lot of hard work
and that simple statement rings and remains true
as well as my statement that those who don't think so are either lying or delusional

here is the other thing
when you are in a marriage and you are working if you don't know Jehovah Jirah
you will definitely feel alone and lost

people tell you the first year of marriage is hard, but no one tell you just HOW HARD it is
i have known this man for the past 13/14 years and until you MARRY someone you have no idea
you think but you don't know
and the reality is you still are getting to know them until the end
people change
have expectations
have needs
have dreams
have issues

and if you aren't grounded in the WORD i can honestly see why someone would NOT make it past 90 days, 6 months, or the first year
realistically
once you say I do and come back from your honeymoon all living hell can break lose with real world responsibilities and the pressure of marital expectations

the WORD is what is going to keep you past day 1 to day 18,250 (that's 50 years of marriage)

here's to working at it and making it work
not because you HAVE to
but because you WANT to

random

so i don't know if anyone else cares
but beyonce sung over her own voice and seems to me that she went ham at the end so who really CARES
wasn't like she was singing over J huds voice or Mary's she sung along with her voice so jump across the river and move on
secondly
and i know many others haven't thought about it but another thing about beyonce
that GQ spread she did, and this is my blog and MY opinion, to me isn't much better than those spreads in KING or Maxium
they were bootie shots and that's that
nothing more to them but that
again my opinion and blog and i can say what i want

i keep watching think like a man
i remember when the book came out and i was single and my mother thought something was wrong with me, she was trying not to say that, but that's how she felt
anyways
she got me the book
i will saying that he brings up some things that work well for the single woman but then again what can a man whose been divorced what twice tell me
a man who also wore a hair piece until he finally let it go

i have facebooked before about my disdain for trinidad james but that man really makes my skin crawl
he is wearing a leopard blouse and holding a puppy in the middle of the projects! i can't

what is with rap today anyways
it just isn't motivating
nothing is dope
remember a beat would come on and the room would literally stand still
remember that feeling when the songs beat hit the floor and would make it rumble and you knew every single word of the rap song
EVERY SINGLE WORD

well very few songs are like that
remember ready to die
man that was a classic
i knew every single song
or water bed hev

WHAT HAPPENED TO RAP!!!!

marriage is fun
and a lot of work
anyone that says its one without the other is either lying or in denial
you have to give and take
you have to try and try some more to communicate

my son has to have surgery on Tuesday
he has fluid in his ears and has to have tubes put in and have his adenoids scraped down
me being sick is one thing
HIM being sick another
that's a little 3 year old child that is helpless so for him to be put under and there is nothing that we can do for him but just wait
that's a feeling i wish on no one

i am home alone until Monday and it sucks
i am bored out of my mind
and nauseated like crazy and it pretty much sucks majorly!
and i can't be around people except for tomorrow for long periods of time and i have to be so many feet away
which is good since i have to go to work
which i am not looking forward to doing
but such is life

well that's enough randomnessofaminddumpfortonight

radiation

i am on my way to hopkins for my radiation treatment
i must go alone
the rays can hurt someone else
i am upset and emotional
such is life
being strong is overrated

i'll just treat it like any other appointment
sigh

inspired

the events of yesterday truly have me inspired!

if you don't know what happened, let m remind you

the FIRST African-American President of the United States was sworn into the office for the second and final time

i worked and it was a wonderful feeling being apart of HISTORY

when i got him my husband and son were watching the coverage and my black like boy, my 3 year old, was saying his name and looking on as if he looks like me and my daddy and my pop pop and my granddaddy j

you may ask how do i know that, i just do
my child is smart and very aware, he just told me yesterday as well i am babe because that's what his dad calls me

anyways
i am inspired
i remember getting my poli sci degree and MPA
and being so in tune to politics and social justice
and that is what i want to do again

i need to start PAYING ATTENTION
and i am motivated to do so

i am also motivated to get myself physically together
one of my goals for the year is to develop a healthy eating and physical activity regime
why?
because i just am really starting to believe and see that we as women get better with time!
look at the FLOTUS
her first ball she looked great, don't get me wrong
but last night beyond FLAWLESS just gorgeous!

and that comes with confidence and confidence comes with age and wisdom and the ability to just be true to you and not worry about what others think or say

i just want to look and feel good
return to my consciousness and just be happy
and that i will do!

i am inspired

not centered

i am not centered
everything around me seems to be out of my control

i have no time
i have no peace
i have no patience
i have no structure

i do have a lot of anger
i do have anxiety
i do have an attitude

there is no balance
i keep trying to get to it
but i am just ignoring what's out of place

things are totally out of place

i am annoyed
i am confused
i am tired

there is everything and nothing going on at the same time

i can't keep faking

i need help
i don't have help

it's easier helping others

i am sick
i can't claim it

i don't know what to do anymore

it's easier just to give up

.....

real life adult new world problems

here is the issue
I want to move
like NOW
not yesterday
but TODAY
or how about before i even bought that house

i bought the house because of familial obligations
as of the end of this month i will have lived in that house for 3 years and can i in fact move OUT of said house without owing our president any money

so i promptly, upon this realization, began looking for houses
some brand new
some not so brand new
i nice older home remodeled and move in ready would work well for me

then i realize nope that's not going to really work out

for various reason my husband said we need to wait to move
he said until next year
but with the laundry list of things that we need to go ahead and fix in the house to make it livable what's the point in just waiting a year

we should just fix these things and wait another couple of years
why because the list is as follows:
carpet cleaned
chimney fixed (much needed)
complete plumbing replacement
upgrade of the electrical system
crown modeling in the kitchen
bathroom exhausts installed
fix the siding
replace light fixtures
re quark the bathtub (is that how you spell/say it, the white stuff around the tub)
replace sub pump

in addition i'd like to repaint the house correctly and correctly organize the laundry room
replace the carpet and put up drywall in the addition

but first things first
the MUSTs on list must be dealt with first

this is about to cost a couple of Gs
THEN we need new furniture at least in our room
another couple of Gs

ALL for a house that i could take or leave
BUT I HAVE A FREAKING HOUSE!
that's the issue
i own a home
a small home but a home
an older home that wasn't taken care of initially
but a home none the less that has cared for up to 5 people at a time

so i need to just chalk it up and get these things done so that we can live comfortably
the good thing is if we have another baby its affordable
esp if D is going to be in private school
i just need to really take some time and down size in this house and get these things DONE

so i have made the appointments so that the estimates can begin
oh joy
oh bliss

by April this house WILL be in better shape and i will be happier living there!
here's to hoping

just some musings

This is a combination of holiday musings that i have collected over the last week or so, you know the holiday season

enjoy!

 

should Santa still be fat

SERIOUSLY

you are putting Santa into the same "real life" epidemic of obesity

really Today show

WHY

its bad enough i don't want my kid(s) to believe in some man coming down a chimney we don't have, so leaving the door open all for the sack of a "childhood" and esp since i refuse to force him to believe in it despite the protests of his father

and we really don't know when Jesus was born so its just a "traditional" holiday

NOW you want to ask if Santa is obese, WOW 

 

yea

 

not feeling you

that's just dumb

 

you want to know what else is DUMB

the fact that i walked 2 blocks in 30 degree weather to get a waffle and turkey sausage

for freaking $12

oh i also got an orange juice and tea

$12

just dumb

 

and then as i sit here thinking about all the things that seem "just dumb" to me

i read an excerpt from this book "an invisible thread" and things seem to be deep again

another stream of consciousness

something more to think about

i have said before that i wanted to make an impact on the homeless population here in the nation's capital

then i want to impact youth

all these ideas of what i want to do

like own a successful coordination company

 

and nothing ever seems to come of it

it makes me sad that kiamsha is no longer going to be the same kiamsha because we simply do not have the time to sustain it

it makes me said that things just don't seem to work out

 

i have another wedding in april

and i did in fact have a coordinator to help me with our wedding, and she was an awesome planner

but our wedding was just that our wedding i pretty much did that myself

 

last night was New Year's Eve and i woke up right at 11:59pm!

Said Happy New Year to the hubs gave him a hug and i think a kiss and then

BAM!

gun shots

gun shots from a far

ok i have heard those before

but last night

the BOOM BOOM BOOM was so loud i could hear it behind our house!

right behind it

i told him i was scared but think he thought i was being dramatic as he was still half sleep

but when it shook him, LITERALLY

it was time to get on the floor turn off all the lights and dail 911

WHAT IS DUMB is it took us like an entire 2 mins to just get through on 911

then the lady was like can you see the person

ummm ma'am
NO because we are NOT looking out the window

while on the phone SHE heard another shot herself

OH wow, yea so how about you send a car out here please

thanks!

 

what was nice was that he got on the floor told me to get on the floor and made his way to our son's room got him on the floor and turned off his light

 

its just been a holiday season that hasn't been as festive, at least not for me

don't get me wrong, its been nice and sweet and special but....

i am tired and have been tired since i have been working every single holiday

i won't do that again next year

thankfully my husband is truly supportive and understanding and our son to young to "get it"

so to say thank you in my own way, last night i cooked my family the southern traditional N.Y. dinner collard greens, black eyed peas, and we will have turkey tenderloin (instead of pork, i don't eat pork or beef, but you ate pork because it can't fly, well neither can a turkey so that's what we are eating) and corn muffins!

all pretty much were scraps back in the day and what our people had to make due with

it means prosperity and a reminder to remain humble

 

that's what i want for 2013 for everyone around me

prosperity

joy

and humility

and most of all the ability to SEE and HEAR GOD

 

that's it of my holiday musings

Happy 2013 year folks!