personal freedom

“I’m addicted to growing and living as unapologetically as possible” Shannon S. Evans

That right there is dope and deep I was introduced to this blog via jaj and I am glad that I clicked the link.

It clearly reemphasis the way that I have been feeling lately about a lot of things. I have always been a very sensitive person; a lot of times people don’t see that side because I am also a very loud, funny, a very vocal person, but being sensitive is at my core. What is also at my core is my ability to love and be genuine with those in my life.

I don’t fake or front (ain’t no future in fronting) I don’t want to say “I am real” because when you have to say that, it brings about the notion you really aren’t. As i continue to grow, I realize there is so much more that I need to learn as a woman.

One area that haunts me is the fact that I allow others and their opinions of me or the way they treat me to totally derail what I think and believe about myself.

That is utterly tragic.

It really is!

And its people that aren’t even in my circle. These are people that don’t know me or even get to know me because of some preconceived notion of what they “think” I am based on who a friend is, or where I come from, or my voice. (I have actually had people meet me in person and say by the way you sounded on the phone I would have never pictured you looking like this...what does that mean?)

Today marks the 50th anniversary of the “I have a Dream” speech and as I was coming into work reflecting on the movement, that my mother and great aunt and uncle were apart of, it hit me what the issue is.

It’s all a competition for our generation!

There is no longer a community or a collective, there's no longer a common goal that we seek to be better, it’s all about the competition, i need to better than you, and if i have to knock you down or tear you down to get that, i will. You got that house, I am going to get one bigger, you got that car I am going to get one nicer. I have never been in competition with people in life (well other than debate) I have always been extremely happy and genuine when people in MY life succeed, but I am realizing not everyone views life this way.

MOST people, even family, view life as a competition; and I realize I have been losing a race that I didn’t even know I was supposed to be running. Now aint that something! I have been insecure, a lot actually. But never in competition with people; the only person I am in competition with is myself. How can I be better? What can I do differently? What is my next move? I am always looking for the big nickel in my own life and happy when others reach theirs.

My ah ha moment is that MOST PEOPLE DON’T VIEW THE WORLD LIKE THIS!

If I allow what people think of ME to dictate how I view myself I will always fall short.
I'll say that again, if I allow what other people think of me, dictate how i view myself, I will always fall short.

This is what I have been allowing to happen.

Comments about my weight

Or slights about just looking “nice” the day I got married

Hurtful words and actions, dictating to me how I should feel.

When they are coming from people that haven’t even given me a chance, people that don’t know me.

So why again am I allowing these people take from me what I know to be true, that I am a really good person, flawed, emotional, loyal, but most of all genuine.

Sometimes you have to just sit back and reflect on where you are and WHO you are the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have given way to much power over me to people recently all in the hopes of being accepted but for what?

What acceptance or approval really do I personally need from people who haven’t even taken the real time to get to know me?

I am thankful that my spirit is one of love and joy and peace for others. That I never wonder why her and not me, that I always think WOW that’s great and not oh yea nice.

Realizing that this morning, realizing that my spirit in engrained with what the movement was about so many years ago, knowing that my mother passed those beautiful traits down to me, it gave me such a sense of self worth and love and peace this morning!

I feel myself coming back full circle to myself seeing people and things and life for what it is, and being ok with that.

But most of all seeing myself for who I am and frankly speaking, I am alright and i don't need to apologize for WHO I AM!