not afraid....

i have never suffered from that disease called addiction or any mental illness but i know how it feels to feel trapped by your thoughts and feelings and to dread it...

this song is so on POINT....

this one right here encompasses how i am feeling....up beat and ready to take it on...

i am feeling like its time to

break out the cage and let the light beam on me...

i definitely have a confidence and a love that i think is starting to shine through...

these are the makings of you....

not the monica version (the original) shots out to Mrstdj for reminding me our wonderfully beautiful and soulfULL this original was and IS

loves it...

is it bad that i am playing this right now NOT thinking about a man but about myself...

i think we would all be better off feeling this way about ourselves

people still seem to be totally shocked when they see my new tattoo..what are you going to do when i get #3 probably this weekend since i have nothing better to do...LOL...

Golden and i have a vet appt sat morning but i think i am going to take her to the dog park and allen's pond before hand she needs some doggie social skills...

went to an assembly this past weekend it was good and i learned a lot still searching for my spiritual home though...its coming...its one of my spiritual goals by the end of the year so i shall find one

i had to leave her at the doggie hotel...the accommodations were nice but HER particular place of rest wasn't what i thought it would be it was smaller than i had hoped and looked more like a kennel than a suite...so of course i called on saturday to ensure she was ok...yes she is a dog, but she is MY dog and if i want to ensure that they are caring for her for what i am PAYING for (and her rooming was just as much as mines) than i'll call...i get that not everyone gets it...but when you taking owning a dog seriously and you can feel they unconditional love and joy that they bring you, you develop a bond that's my boo

ummm what else

people need to grow up especially at work...that's all i am going to say about that

like PC said "do you work and mind your business"

that's my motto gotta say that DAILY

i have a major decision to make about Kiamsha that's the other thing on my mind

i am still cutting all my hair off in october just in time to see my parents in november my father probably will NOT speak to me the entire trip i must prepare myself for that...LOL...

they are coming at the end of July and will finally see all that's been done to the house i look forward to that i hope it makes them proud...

windows are coming in next week the ac unit and furnace have their scheduled maintenance appointments for next month as well...

i tell you home ownership is OVERRATED i could easily still be in my apartment (throwing away money and receiving no tax break for sure but still this is for the BIRDS)

my brother is here by the way she keeps going to the basement steps like he's down there i keep having to tell her "he's not down there"

she's smart so she understands...oh by the way we dance around the living room almost every night...CLASSIC

in honor of the man

MJ

Michael Jackson

the King of Pop

The greatest entertainer of ALL TIME

....what better way to express my gratitude to this man than to list out the songs that are some of my absolute FAVS of his...

some of you may agree with it, or not or part of it...but hey these songs either as a solo artist or with his brothers ROCKED

....This Place Hotel...

which i thought was "this is heartbreak hotel..." because that's the line in the song...but CLEARLY its not...that joint cranks

The Lady in My Life

what woman didn't want a or doesn't a woman to feel like Mike felt about the girl in that song

Rock with You

nothing needs to be said about this song

Man in the Mirror

definitely just was a CLASSIC about what was and is still true today we gotta look at ourselves

Show you the way...

"live together underneath the sun..." was talking peace and love back then

Human Nature

the rhythms enough said

P.Y.T.

that was and IS still my theme song...LOL..

Can you feel it...

every color of the world should be loving...can you feel it!

Butterflies

man who knew he had this much soul still...LOVED that song...

Scream

that was a a GREAT song with him and his lil sister

Blame it on the boggie

they JAM in this joint..."don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the good times, blame it on the boggie"

Got me working...

day and night...LOVES it!

dude people gave this man so much flack about his love life, skin, so much crap because he was different...this dude, had an ear, a gift for writing that ALL these folks copy today...everyone and anyone whose a modern day for real artist, rapper, hip hop, singer, musician whatever...MIKE influenced YOU

this man was speaking about racial harmony and love and had a message that you moved to and didn't even know you were getting a message! he was deeper than most give him credit

someone said it best, knew he was so big he had to whisper to be heard...

WHAT! regardless of what anyone thinks of him or what he did or didn't do that's between him and his judge...

all i want to do is blame it on the MUSIC

no water

that's what i woke up to this morning

NO RUNNING WATER

so i am like looking for my WSSC bill like i know i didn't miss a payment, thats not me...so what the heck is going on...

i go to the door and i open the door ( IDK why that's the automatic thing that i do when the lights or anything "goes out" in my house but i guess opening the door helps me to "see if anyone else is experiencing what i am")

so i find the bill call the emergency line to find out that there is a water break up the street from my house...

dude i can't go to work having not touched any water...so an impromptu "day off" was what i experienced today...

just me and Golden chillaxin doing nothing...well she did get a bath this evening...she did pretty good...i washed her and her bedding and vacuumed again...i couldn't take it she had an odor and i can't do that...i would wash her daily if i could but its not good for their skin, it would dry it out so once a week is as often as they recommend...she WILL be getting a bath every week...

she doesn't like me going to far from her...she is ok if i go to work but if i am supposed to be home or if i am home she wants me to be near her...

i love my dog...never thought i would love something an animal but i was told that they truly do love back and she does she makes these faces and she has the brightest big brown eyes...

ok enough about my dog...lol...

so we napped on and off all day

watched the latest potter movie and sweet home alabama (one of my favs) and was on the internet and did nothing all over again...oh well other than our daily walks of course...

after the day i had yesterday today was definitely a MUST and i am glad i allowed myself to kinda shut stuff out and just chill

i miss my days of nothingness and i am going to get back to them

no matter what...

i aint break i aint fold hate me most, ya i know

i wonder if people deal with as much family mess as i do...

you would think with me being the only girl, that things wouldn't be as messy as it is...but these GROWN men are messy! too dag on messy for me

and the thing is i know that...but it still hurts none the less that i can't just be a little sister and they just be proud of all that i have done or accomplished

nope instead i am finding that i have to watch my back with them and just keep my stuff to myself because CLEARLY being strong, intelligent and independent is not the best thing...

i guess if i had 3 kids with 3 different dudes or didn't graduate form college or didn't own my own home or truck or didn't have a career or maybe if i needed them or relied on others more than i would be the "little sister" and they could feel needed...

i don't know...all i know is that its BS!

today wasn't a good day and it looks like its not going to get better...

i am just frustrated and ready to give up on a lot of things

but i promised myself i wouldn't give up on myself and that i would keep fighting and not allow myself to get down and in the dumps again..

and i can't...i really can't...

before i let go.....

goooooooooooooo....

man that concert was ON POINT!!!!

Frankie and Maze rocked for an hour and a half STRAIGHT!

the crowd was AWESOME

you know its summer time when you see a sea of white linen and black folks and people singing every single word of EVERY single song and people are hand dancing and two stepping...

it was the GREATEST and it was just me, myself and I!

at first i felt like i was i the middle of one of those new KFC sandwiches where the "bread" is actually chicken breast? well that's how i felt crushed in between...LOL...but the seats where like regular folding chairs and were zip tied together...all it takes is for one person to cut that zip tie and pull them seats apart and its ON

so we had a great time...

it was a good night, nice breeze and of course Frankie even at 63 kept the crowd rocking...

his voice is going though, so i am glad this is like my 5th time seeing him...i miss my maze partner (my momma) but it was cool to go somewhere like a concert by myself, meet people and have a BLAST!

came back to the crib to check on Golden and was thinking about hitting U st with the cuzzos but once i came in i realized just how tired i am...

so i am in the crib...

but man was tonight a GREAT night

PSA

....this is just a friendly reminder to all folks out there that tomorrow

June 19 is JUNETEENTH...

it wasn't until June 19, 1865 when Union Troops reached Texas that it was official that the enslaved were now FREE...even though the Emancipation Proclomation had been signed on Janurary 1, 1863

you can go here and here and here for more information

find some sort of way to keep recognizing this day and spreading the word to others you know and keep the tradition of celebrating this day ALIVE

we are one....

...no matter what we do, we are one, our love will see us through, we are one, and that's the way it is...WE ARE ONE

one of my other if not tied with "golden time of day" songs by Maze featuring Frankie Beverly

i absolutely LOVE music, especially live music and being that i LOVE seeing this band

so when a co-worker just informed me that they are performing at the national harbor THIS saturday 6/19...i didn't take any time i got online and bought me a ticket!

i haven't seen them in a couple of years and i didn't want to wait to see if people wanted to go or not, i just got tickets for the summer festival with Badu, Common, The roots and Chuck Brown LAST week...so i figured folks wouldn't want to roll if for no other reason than funds

its cool

i want to go so i got my ticket and i am going

solo dolo

(a couple of years ago i would have probably passed it up because i know people wouldn't want to go or waiting around tickets would have been gone, but not today...not this year...i am going for mines!)

and i am going to have a BLAST!

words....

...i believe heaven must be like this...can't tell you nothing you ain't already heard, no matter what i say its nothing but words, just let me prove to you what i feel is real...

i am rocking to this song right now at work...

i should be yea, but um, yea...how about that...lol

i have finally picked up the Essence "I love being a black woman" July edition...love it already.

i finally sent in to get another subscription of the magazine, i need this thing monthly in my life it just feeds my soul...

there is a 20 item listed of things black women should do

10. one of the items is quit a job you hate: been there done that

3. another one is blow and entire check: i haven't done a whole check but i have come close...we get paid 3 times in July and in December of this year...and i think July would be a GREAT time to blow an entire check and guess what i'll be doing

17. the other item on the list that "spoke" to me was to do something exciting like skydiving or bungee jumping...so on my 30th birthday i will finally skydiving! then i'll go to a spa...how about that?

2. then there was the item about going natural, "rock freedom hair" i am currently natural but there was the point of a mini fro (or cesar) i have always wanted to just cut all my hair off, and i shall do that too this year! i'll wait until after the wedding i am in on 9-11 but i am doing it

7. this one is about an extreme home makeover i am doing that slowly but surely...my cousins hadn't been to my house since my parents owned it, and when they came in they both were like it looks completely different...good i want people to walk in and see ME and not them...and honestly you can't see them anymore...but you can because randomly, but purposely i have items in the house that i asked them to leave and pics that are historic and black and white

i am totally at this point where i am doing what i want to do no matter what people think or have to say...i am purging a lot of stuff out of my life and that may even include some people and relationships...shrugs oh well...i have always just wanted to do certain things and i am FINALLY feeling courageous enough in my own skin to do them

like i am going into this next 49 days before my birthday with such a fierce attitude to do the things that i really want to do, including getting my 3rd tattoo probably this weekend at some point...

here's the thing i am also in deep study right now on things biblical and that too is bringing me peace and joy

here is another thing, i am really ok with where i am in my personal "non-dating" life...actually i have been for a minute but i think initially it was because i didn't want to get hurt, but now its really because i don't feel like dating just to date and all these things that i am going through, including cooking more for myself and finding my routine with the house cleaning...i am really learning to appreciate the fact that i didn't marry in my 20s...i was no where near being ready to be some one's wife...that's just the honest reality of it...had i married say O like what 5 years ago when we were looking at rings...DUDE it wouldn't have been easy at all...not that marriage is easy, its work, but i think you have to know and be happy and in love with yourself before you can reasonably marry someone and understand that its not about you its about the other person..period! some people can get to that point in their 20s, but not me, i was learning other things...but finally i am stepping into this womanhood thing that is like wow!

don't get me wrong i still care what those that love me think...but what GOD and i think moves me more and that's a freeing feeling...

i feel like i am walking into this new power phase of being a woman and loving me that i have never experienced before...even my girls getting on me about having so much stuff on friday didn't really bother me because here is the thing, love me, all of me or don't...it just is what it is...

who do you love....

this is music!

this is when stuff was about real life situations....ya dig...

and for some reason this video makes me HAPPY

of course one of my all time fav hip hop records sampled this...

here is the thing though...why can't i find the Bernard Wright version on itunes...

what the bombaclod...lol

good busy weekend

i sorted and sorted somemore with the help of two of the mrs. in my life...jj and hemsley

they were the best for the job though because they "make" folks give stuff away...half of my shoe collection is being donated

hey i have no problem with purging the things in my life

i had a great study today so i am looking forward to that

Golden has met a lot of folks, the house has been rather busy this weekend busier than usual...she's done good though i don't think she is feeling good today she went to the groomers yesterday and i told them she was clipped to low at the shelter so her skin is showing and is really sensitive right now, well i don't know if they listened because she has been itchy...it also could be this "all natural" tea tree oatmeal stuff but i think i sprayed to much...

i need to be taking her for her 6pm walk but its freaking 92 degrees outside!!! and clearly its now AFTER 6 and we haven't gone anywhere...she's on her pillow sleeping so i'll wait until she is ready and we'll go out

i am becoming one of those people, you know those dog people that has a funny story every day, like how we were in the house dancing last night and she was on her back playing peek-a-boo it was so cute that i ran to take a picture but she moved....see yea stuff like that! i know its sad but it is what it is...lol

as cold of a winter we have had that's how hot this summer is going to be and i am NOT diggin it at all...

but last summer was mild so you know i figured it wouldn't be an easy one this year...

i hope she does better tomorrow while i am gone to work...we shall see

happy....

30th birthday to you...

yes what a difference a year makes but you know me birthdays are special so even though i won't say it out loud

i wanted to put it into the universe because everyone deserves to know that someone is thinking about them on their special day

so today know that someone is thinking of you smiling and wishing you a very happy day...

nap time

i am totally diggin the new template

its me its how i feel everything is swirling around bright colorful full of energy like art

but at the same time, there is a sense of peace to it

well that's how i feel...

we have had a busy morning....long walk this morning, i ran some errands than a trip to the vet then another walk and then we did some cleaning...well i did while she pretty much ran from the vac and did stuff she knew she had no business like jumping up on the couch...

i haven't starting sorting not one lick of clothes or a bag or a shoe and people are coming over this evening...

well i a definitely about to nap first...

real quick though

how about i thought about just how much i feel clean and clear in my skin and that was definitely a great feeling...

reallY???

so why do i come home to a house that smells like trash

NO worse than trash....

it smelled like DOG POO!

well let me back up...

we got home last night after running around and we hung outside for a little the whole nine

she didn't want to go in her crate but she did and although i don't think either one of us slept well being that it was a new situation for both of us

(side note she just dropped down to roll around on the rug)

so we got up this morning and went for a 20 min walk and she wee'd 3x and even poo'd so i am like ok good that means she is house broken and knows that she has to hold it

she already knows that the bedroom area is off limits she doesn't even test going in there and she doesn't do the kitchen

i let her walk around and chill while i got ready and then back in the crate she had to go

for the first time since i had gotten her she started barking!

my heart dropped to my feet and i immediately felt guilty....

once i got to work i told the three co-workers that own dogs what happened and they told me it was normaly and she just needed to get adjusted to the new enviroment and it would be ok

i asked my cousin to stop past and take her out because i had this bad bad bad did i say BAD feeling about her being alone for 11 hours out of the day alone...

and yep when i opened the door that BAD feeling smacked me slam in my face!

but here is the kicker i couldn't find it anywhere...of course upon further inspection of the crate she had taken the towel i gave her this morning with my scent to comfort her to cover it up - yea irony at its finest...

so once i got the stuff out the crate attempting get the poo outside the wind blows it on the front steps ( i know it just gets better and better)

she was avoiding me becasue she knew i was heated...but i was warned that there was going to be accidents and she needed to get on a schedule and she is in a new space so she nervous

so today was eventful....to say the least

be have been bonding this evening so i am hoping that she will become more comfortable and trusting with each other...

she isn't drinking anything and she only has eaten one milkbone

so tomorrow at 11 am i can't wait to get to the vet to get some insight for sho

so fresh, so clean

ain't nobody dope as me, im just so fresh so clean...i love when you stare at me im just so fresh so clean

BIG sistah so fresh so clean was my name back in the day...

CLASSIC

i have a new role

she's a little thing, just 3 1/2 and i am scared to death to pick her up today...

i hope that i have the confidence to take care of her the way that she needs to be taken care of

i already went on a frantic run to target last night in an attempt to prepare for her

i got the call out the blue last night at like 8:30 that she would be ready today to be picked up...

really???

i didn't even think i would get her

as much as i wanted her i didn't think i'd get her this was my 3rd attempt and so i didn't get my hopes up

i immediately texted my girl and was like what do i get, what should i do?

she gave me the list of necessities and then this morning i proceeded to set up her doctor's appointment for Friday and she is going to get done up Saturday morning...so i can drop her off for that and get me right and tight

now i have to think about insurance and what she will do during the day while i am at work...just stuff you know its crazy...will she adjust ok to her new environment, what to feed her she is still so little what is she allergic to what will she like and not like

my life is no longer my own i am now responsible for another living being and that's deep...i gotta get up and make sure she is taken care of first before i take care of myself or maybe i'll get me together first and then do her since she will still hopefully be still sleep

but then when i get off i need to make sure i go home and get her and stuff before i do anything else...

i have to make sure that i take a lot of time these next few weeks to really bond with her and get her used to my house rules and love on her

did i say i was scared out of my mind!

my co-worker asked me was i going through some sort of "mid life crisis" type of deal since i just got a new tattoo now a new baby and in the fall i am cutting all my hair off...

i was like nope just finally doing what i really want to do and enjoying myself for me who i am...

BIG lil sis said she is exactly what i need to love and to spoil...LOL

today at 6:30pm my life will completely be about someone other than me that i can't "take back"

so here it goes

all or nothing

me and Golden my cavachon!

i wish....

that i never met her at all...

remember that! Carl Thomas used to CRANK

what happened to music like that...why is it that every time i turn on the radio or the music video channel all i see is @ss and hear somebody singing about sexin you up or down...

how your skinny butt going to do anything? i mean really...

maybe its just me, but dag on can we get some soul, some funk, some spirit, songs about love...

oh that's right we got dudes like Slim thug and others talking about how black women can't love black men and need to lower our standards

CLEARLY I know plenty of sistahs who are MARRIED or in COMMITTED relationships with brothas and hold them down like there is no other

we don't have a problem treating a man like a king, holding him down, or none of that...however we arent going to let you lay on our couch and not contrbute...hell we would love to sit back and relax and let a man do what he can to take care of things...i am for one would have LOVED to not deal with interviewing window companies or worry about insulating the attic or my truck being washed or my yard being mowed and to have a partner...hell i'll cook, clean keep your draws clean all that...but i am black, i am high yella, but still black and i am not a size 2 or 6 and hair isn't all down my back...oh and i refuse to let you call me out my name oh and you at least gotta have goals, you could shuvle sh!t for a living as long as you are doing your best and love me and are faithful i am down...and you gotta believe in GOD but that's to much to ask...

BOY BYE get outta here

dudes like that get on my every lasting...but please believe there are more dudes like that out here than not...

and heres the reality with my career, my salary and me owning my own home its going to be even harder and not because i said so but because a dude will think i think i am all that...

again i'd personally like to relax and not have to think about this stuff all the day of my life have a partner in this life

I WOULD LOVE TO TRUST A MAN TO LEAD ME

but that's the issue...if you ain't got sense enough to lead yourself then how in the HELL can you expect me to let go and let you lead...

yes something the sistahs gotta work on but stop counting us completely out because we are driven and have had to be such...because we don't have the luxury of sitting around and waiting or laying on our backs to make it happen...

....oh yea this blog didn't even start off about this...

i am actually watching the Hip Hop Honors and how dope this joint is....

the music is hawt its dope how each area of the south has their own specific sound...

one day i hope that DC (DMV) will get out just due with our unique style and our deeply rooted ways of political think

anyways just found out i am getting my dog!!! wooohooooooo

guess what her name is: Golden

Hallejuah

.....but you care don't really care for music do you....it goes like this the 4th the 5th...

your faith was strong but you needed proof...

this song is one of my all times favs

my mind is running many a different ways right now...two people i love are going through it...but this blog is about me and not about talking about people's issues that don't directly affect me..

it makes me sad that i can't personally "fix it"

but what i can do is keep referring them to the Bible...

that's what i was reminded of in my Bible Study today that its not about what any of us personally thinks its about HIS will...building a relationship with HIM gaining knowledge that leads to wisdom and understanding and eventually peace...

it was an awesome session and it really helped me get myself back on track about focusing on what i need to focus on so that HE and i can connect and STAY connected...

i tend to think i have peace now, but in reality do i?

that was one of the questions that i asked today...i also was reminded that faith without works is dead...so that means you can't just have faith you gotta put in the work and that means learning and loving with all that you have...

dukey stick

ah now that the bridge is on this side of the boarder...why ya'll come ova here with us, walk the water.....we got this thing that full of tricks....we want to play for you we sing for you we want your hips to groove....

i got this magic....most of it will make you spread you wings....we want your mind to grow....

George Duke

CLASSIC

you can't even find that type of musicianship anymore

the horns

the bass

all of it is MUSIC

so here lately since its HAWT as who know what outside people have been acting a pure D fool out here in the DMV

makes me think of this song

you know badu said it best when she said "is it cold in your summer and hotter in the fall"

folks is out looking, scouting or just out to show what they working with

although the dude walking to the gas station in a hospital robe and slippers yesterday to get some cigs was an unusual moment...

i mean really homie

dude the more you get to know people the more i don't like people

that's not nice but some folks are just plain old mean and i don't have to fool with you...

i caught myself today with this dude sarcastic at work...dude puh leeze don't make me go on you...

but life is all good...i have thought about tweeting ONLY because i see such randomness all day long that makes me really want to comment on stuff...

ehhh i am so in revolt of modern technology, yet i still blog...hahahah

hey that's me always going against the trend

i am so cool with it....cool as a fan cat

get live.....

....cause you never knew live like this...get it out the bed its a beautiful day, put the tape in the tape deck and press play....

all my peoples got to stick together....

never, never, never....everybody getting down to this...

have you ever listened to the strange fruit project?

the fact that they named themselves after Billie Holiday's song "strange fruit" gave them dope points off the break...but the music itself is pretty dope

it took me going 1206 miles away to do a couple things i have been meaning to do

1. i finally got my "courage" tattoo on my left wrist...i didn't get "wisdom" on my right a. it was to damn painful and b. courage is what i need to keep on my left at all times...many people won't get it but for me its a daily reminder to always be courageous no matter what comes my way, i didn't get a symbol its actually spelled out and i LOVE IT

2. i finally saw "the hangover" CLASSIC movie indeed

3. i finally saw episodes of the boondocks...he holds no cut cards for anyone and i dig it

4. of course last but definitely not least i finally saw my precious little god daughter...she melted my heart she's so chill she doesn't fuss or cry to much or nothing unless she is hungry or tired other than that she is laughing and moving her mouth like she is talking and i know she really has something to say you can see it in her eyes and i love it

i had a good time doing much of nothing it was straight chill time mostly shopping, eating, chilling, get up do it again the next day...glad i know lil big sis well enough to know to pack as many chill outfits as cute outfits...

chilling HARD was exactly what i needed being around folks that i know love me AWAY from home was much needed DMV break fo sho...i got plenty of vitamin D from the TX sun and just had a great time...it was what your girl needed to keep her attitude positive and moving forward i hadn't been on a plane since august of last year...as much as i hate it the checking in the boarding the cramped seats the waiting for your luggage...i missed getting away...i went from going to a new city every 30 to 45 days to going NO WHERE for like 9 months...yea not good...

only thing is i never knew i could miss someone so little someone that can't even talk yet so fast...it won't be another 9 months before i get on a plane that's for sure...

it was good to be around a young black family, lil big sis, big d and baby d...they love each other unconditionally...they accept each other the good the bad and the ugly...they are extremely affectionate and in tune as a family...they aren't "perfect" but they are perfect in their imperfections....and the best part is they loved on me just as much as well...it was good for my spirit and my soul to be around such love and joy...

i told lil big sis, dude you living the "ameriKan dream" her response will stay with me forever

"i am not living the ameriKan dream i don't know who made that up, i don't have a white picket fence, i don't even want one, i am living my dream, making my rules, who says we have to do it 'their way'"

to which i said..."well alright"

i feel good...things are falling into place with regard to renovations for this house and its honestly pretty good...

and another lesson learned....

i HAVE THE COURAGE TO MAKE MY OWN RULES!

i AM MY OWN ameriKan DREAM

i DREAM

i LIVE

i LOVE

i AM

WILL BE

ME