Monday, August 06, 2007

how much are you willing to give up?

so in a relationship some things you have to give up...some things people request that are actually good for you...

like your partner may ask you to stop drinking or to stop smoking

your partner may ask you to grow your beard out or your hair out, or ask you to cut all of it off

what about what you wear or where you go or what you do...

like honestly how much are you willing to give up for "love"?

if someone really loves you they are going to accept you for who you are right?

like what about going out to the clubs and just hanging with the girls/fellas-what if your significant other has a serious issue with this because they feel like its just not safe, to much happens in the club, or its just to much temptation (that's a whole nother conversation though)...

for example, you stop drinking and smoking and partying becasue you feel like you are too old anyways and its just not healthy for you, you have BEEN saying you were going to give up such things BEFORE, but the one you love was that extra push...
OR about, Mary J and how her husband told her if she came home one more time drunk he was going to leave her because he couldn't stand it...that was for her benefit right?

so i ask how much are you all willing to give up? and how much is too much?

NOTE: this will be one of a few relationship blog entries to come, i am working on another "are there any good men/women left?" so stay tuned!

is that changing to much for a person? is that bending to much for a person?

21 comments:

dc_speaks said...

hmmmmmm...relationship blogs must be the thing this week.

i really enjoyed reading that post today.

kudos to you...

T.C. said...

@dc-can you answer the question? LOL

Anonymous said...

Hey Girl! Yes, I still do read your blogs. LoL But I feel like if you change your dressing for a person, it had to be really too sexy dramatic for him and he worried about the perception that you put off. But I wouldn't change my hair or the girlfriends that I hung out with because they are apart of who you are as an individual. Guys want to have guy nights and females like to do the same.

So, yes, I do feel it's too much to give up for a relationship. You were who you were when you met him and that's who he feel in love with. Just like we can't change men, they need not to change us.

kiana's viewpoint

T.C. said...

@ki-so what if he/she doesn't do guys/girls night out? they at most do dinner with friends? then what???? and what if you were on that road anyways of growth, is that still to much?

Anonymous said...

So just because he doesn't do guy nights out, does that mean that I would have to stop too? It's only so much a person can change before you start losing yourself. But for me, I can't do without my girl's night out, my girls help me to vent, and just be me with my friends and have fun. Do things with them, that I can't do with my man. But if that person wants to come out hanging with their friends anyway, well....

Kiana

T.C. said...

ok so its not about NOT going out with your girls or changing your friends (that would be losing yourself) but just not going to a club, then what?

dc_speaks said...

ok, since you called me out personally I will accomodate your request.

in relationships there are always huge variations on who a person is changing for. What is the motivation for the change and who actually wanted the changes made?

using the examples of smoking and drinking alone, I would always opt to say that if the "other person" wanted to see a change in that behavior, it would be a positive change but if the reason for it is less honorable...well then thats another concern.

there is no easy answer for your questions because at the back end of all of them is motivation. what is the true underlying motivation for the request. Another variable that needs to be taken under consideration is whether there are solutions or replacements for activites..

for example if a dude asks his woman to not hang with the girls...wtf does he plan to do with the time that she would have been engaged in the hanging out...watch some tv or just chill at home? fugg that...

if anyone wants to change their mate and genuinely feels that it can be an enhancement, then that will be how it is given. anything other than a show of love, needs to be evaluated.

relationships are supposed to be about accomodating each other..a dictatorship on either side is a major problem.

In my humble opinion that is....

i hope that helps.

peace and love.

T.C. said...

Thanks DC! I don't think anyone should ask the other person to give up friends, that wasn't in the question, i asked about "partying" hanging out with friends has nothing to do with partying...

like you i think it all depends on the motivation, simply saying "well, i don't go so why should you go, or i don't smoke, so why do you smoke or i don't drink so why do you drink" isn't enough to satisfy the change, that's more of a I am trying to "mold" you type of answer...if its for a positive then that is something totally different...

for example, i didn't like my ex smoking weed, NOT because i thought it was bad, although i did, but more so because i didn't do it and didn't think he should, it just wasn't "cool" so my motivation behind it was all wrong...

like you said we all ask for people to accomedate us...just how much accomedating are we willing to do?

dc_speaks said...

"Thanks DC! I don't think anyone should ask the other person to give up friends, that wasn't in the question, i asked about "partying" hanging out with friends has nothing to do with partying..."

I was referencing hanging out as partying too. we meant the same things.

excellent example with the weed smokin though.

cool beans t.c.

T.C. said...

I guess it is interchanable...i see "partying" as club and "hanging" as in dinner...but yes...me and you are seeing eye to eye

MysTery said...

Well, I think that if you make a change it should be based on your decision, not something that someone else has said to you. I know that if I considered changing something, and then he mentioned it, I would think about it a bit more.

But I do not see myself telling him or him telling me what friends to have ect...

However, there are things that we sometimes don't think about until the other person brings it up. Then we have to look at it from their side and our perspective to see if a change should be made.

It's just about finding a balance I guess.

T.C. said...

"It's just about finding a balance I guess"

that's the key right there, finding the balance...and like you said maybe you had been thinking about it before, and the other person just makes you go "hmmmm" maybe i should...

j.a.c. said...

Of course compromises are important in relationships, but there's only so much that you can change for a person. If the changes asked of you could turn you into someone you don't like or don't know, then it's not cool. But if the compromise is for the betterment of an individual, why not?

More importantly, how about putting God into the equation when you can? I've asked someone to stop smoking, to stop coming over late at night, to do this and to do that, but after a while, I realized that I really didn't want him doing it for me. What I wanted was for him to WANT to stop doing these things for fear of messing up his relationship with Jehovah. I wanted him to be accountable to Jehovah. I wanted him to have that same connection to God that I had that would ultimately guide his life and his decisions. My ex ended up willing to make a lot of changes, but I still wasn't happy because he wasn't doing it for the right reasons. Besides, I didn't want him one day throwing something that he did for me in my face ya know? Who knows what will happen when someone gets mad or the change doesn't work out quite like both parties expected.

For those of us who believe in Jehovah, we have to be accountable to Him first, and then to each other. If you involve yourself with a person who feels the same way, a lot of the issues we're speaking of won't be issues.

But of course this only applies to changes that can be related to the Bible's counsel. Cutting your hair won't exactly fit in that scenario. lol. However!, if your hair is disgustingly long, matted, and infested, you might need to cut it because God preaches cleanliness!!! Lol.

B_More BAP Life said...

Great Topic! This one definitely has me thinking.

T.C. said...

@jac-that's an EXCELLENT its about compromise for the right reasons, its not about just changing because your other half wants to you, its about YOU taking their point, evaluating it and truly understanding that its for YOUR benefit! because in the end its all about pleasing GOD and becoming the best you-YOU can be!

@b_more bap-yea got me thinking too

The Sarccastik Variable Why said...

okay i'm back like plaid shorts....what it do?!?!?!?.....why are everybody going crazy about this soulja boy...sound like a bad sinus rapper.....my brother-in-law is like 20 and he was doing the dance...u know i'm ol'skool right...BOY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING...TROOP DID THAT IN THE MAMACITA VIDEO!!!!...lol...stay up...

Anonymous said...

i think that you need to see down with your partner and talk it out with him. And once you see where he is coming from then you would get a better understand of why he might not want you to go clubbing but make sure that you explain why you want to go clubbing. then y'all should come to a mutual agreement that either you go but not that often or he goes with you or something. but in the same breath i say a relationship is about compromising. So if you feel that clubbin isn't a big issue to let go them don't make it tougher than it is !

T.C. said...

@svw-you are off the hook!

@anoy-yea talking through it all is the key, its totally about compromising and understanding, that starts with open communication...

Trapped-n-my-Thoughts said...

WOW...wonderful topic. Changing for your mate can be both good & bad. If the person asking for the change feels that the change will benefit the BOTH of them-for the good of the relationship, than I'm all for it. But you can't be selfish when u ask someone to change because that will bring up a verbal tennis match cause your mate may start to bring up things they want u to change just because u did. So...communication is the key to every relationship and as long as the 2 of u guys discuss the change(s) and the reasoons behind the request..if its legit and the relationship will prosper because of it, than change is good.

T.C. said...

@trapped-communication is in deed the key!

It is What It Is... said...

Wow...I missed this one. Damn...LOL

Good Post.