Thursday, March 22, 2007

ugly side....

I got a glimpse into my ugly side this morning and I really don't like it...

I flicked off, and for what, why did I do that...why did I say such a hurtful thing to THE person that is in my life? Why did I do that?

As positive as I try to be, as much as I have fought those "old ways" of being mean and nasty...spiteful...

I reverted right back to that this morning...Why? Because I felt like he wasn't hearing me...come one now, that's truly NOT a good enough reason...why because I didn't like what he said....that's truly NOT a good enough reason either...

There is truly NO excuse for hurting someone that I care about...NONE!

This is something that I have had to fight with for years..
its like the song When Dove's Cry by Prince....

Maybe I'm just 2 demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father 2 bold
Maybe you're just like my mother
She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)
Why do we scream at each other
This is what it sounds like
When doves cry

I am truly like my father in the sense that I have a temper...I am hot headed...or I was...I would argue with you and really beat into your head MY point of view....I have known this for a while and I have really made a conscious effort to NOT be that way, and up until this point, up until this morning...

For the past 3 or 4 years now since i have been really working on my relationship with GOD I have really been working AGAINST a lot of things...especially THIS arguing...and just being plain old mean to folks...

I really just strive every day to be positive and have peace of heart and mind...

I hadn't flicked...but this morning all of that changed...

So why did I say that this morning? One little phrase, one word, it wasn't a curse word, it wasn't anything demeaning, but it was hurtful...

And I feel horrible, not only because I came out of MY character...the person that I am now, but I feel horrible, because I MADE YOU FEEL BAD!

I can't stand it that you are hurting...

I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me...to understand that that wasn't me, that wasn't who I truly am...

Let me get back to being ME...cause that person this morning...I am NOT HER!

10 comments:

Blu Jewel said...

FIRST!!!!!

*HUGS* sweet sister Tee. It's gonna be alright.

first let me say that although the "ugly" side of you reared her head this morning doesn't make you a bad person. what you did maybe; but not you as a whole being. lemme break it down to you as i've come to understand it.

see, we all have an ugly side and all too often we tend to try and hide it or keep it in check, which creates conflict. there's a ying and a yang for a reason. the more we fight it, the harder it wants to come out, so when there's an instance where it's let loose, bam! sweetie, i know you're remorseful and i know you feel bad, but you will get through it; as will he. i know all of this because i used to separate my ying/yang and it almost drove me crazy. let the two merge and maybe in time you'll find you're not so explosive when a heated situation comes about.

now, i'm no therapist; i'm just a woman with experience and an opinion; however, i do think i'm right here.

words won't undo what you said, but once you've apologized as i'm sure you have and you ask his forgiveness you'll start to feel better. give him time and find ways to show him better than you can tell him that you didn't mean to come at him as you did.

love is a rescilient emotion and it'll truly be alright.

now, wash your face, blow your nose, and stop being so hard on yourself. *more hugs*

be blessed and be encouraged.

T.C. said...

@jus-THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!
I really really raelly needed that...I do think that's what it is...I tried to separate it, and I was already emotional becasue he was leaving to go out of town on bidness...it was just so much going on and I snapped...I have apologized and I have asked for forgiveness...

and the one thing that I can truly say is that there is something special going on here because I DO actually care I HAVE actually checked myself...TC had to get TC's ming right...its ok that he was annoying me, it was NOT ok that I let that get me to a boiling point...that's NOT OK...and I should have deaded it before it got there...said my piece and moved on to peace....

we are BOTH talking things through...not ignoring each other but actually talking through this...saying how we feel...and that's something to be encouraged about...

noname said...

I totally understand what you're talking about. I've struggled for years to be a better person, to not go back to who I was. Sometimes though, it rears it's ugly head.

My grandma was described by everyone as having the patience of Job and not having a mean bone in her body, very God fearing and loving woman. Once in a very rare blue moon, she could loose her temper. It didn't make her a bad person, just made her human. She said sometimes we need reminders of why we're striving for something. I agree.

T.C. said...

@noname-you haven't been around here that much lately, but boy oh boy when you come you DROP some knowledge...that's how I am trying to be...and he just keeps saying you know I would have never thought that would come from you...and so it says a lot of how far I have come in term of my temper because we have gotten into it before and I didn't explode, but today...man oh man...I went OFF...but I like what you said...it is a humbling experience that totally reminds me that I am striving to be the BEST woman/human being I can be, take this as yet another life lesson, learn from it and grow!

jus butterfli said...

first let me say this... blu is gonna KILL you for giving me credit for her comment!! (LOL)

next, you know what i think and how i feel about this situation already. but as usual, big sis has a quote for EVERY thing! you give this to my b-n-l... here goes:

God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

tell him to make the right choice and don't get caught slippin' cause a good woman is hard as hell to find!! ;)

and look ladybug, you've got to forgive YOURSELF for your earlier actions before you can expect him to forgive you, feel me? y'all can work this out. i KNOW you can!! besides, we KNOW who to take it to when things get too hard for us to handle. right?

anyway, i'm gettin' REAL long-winded so i'm out. (LOL)

peace, love and BIG, BIG, BIG hugs!!

T.C. said...

@blu-OK how about YOU SO NEED TO GET YOUR PROPS FOR BEING FIRST & DROPPING KNOWLEDGE...it was BLU ya'll....BIG sis you ALWAYS are there...and I knew it was you, but didn't even pay attention that I called you jus until jus just said so...so KNOW that I KNEW it was you....

@jus-YES I know how you feel and in time I am hoping that things will work out...I am actually feeling better about it, and he and I are pretty in tune like its crazy but I can feel the strom passing over and us both coming to terms with it and moving forward...I messed up and I know I did, I have apologized and NOW we move on...together I hope...he'll be aiight...my momma said not to worry, so Im not going to worry...

HUGGGS to the BIG sis' man, what would I do without you!

Honey-Libra said...

Giving you hugs and reassurance that the person who you harmed knows that you are only human and yes they are hurt and might be angered by what you said...but as you stated you are trying to work on you and hopefully they understand that.

Prayerfully it will be fine and believe you me we all have things that we are fighting on a daily basis :)

T.C. said...

@honey-yea but I was a rough one back in the day...OFF the HOOK would say whatever, whenever, to whomever (never disrespect my elders or anything like that) but I was a VERY blunt person with NO regard to others or their feelings...

So for me to revert BACK to be mean, it really bothers ME...I am actually feeling a LOT better this afternoon...I feel like I acknowledged my wrong and knowing that the "ugly" side still resides makes me really want to make sure that I keep doing what I have been doing in terms of growing spiritually and positively...

I am with you prayerfully everything will be fine!

Blu Jewel said...

T.C - it's all good...it doesnt matter if i got the credit or it; its what you do with the knowledge that counts. You're a strong and beautiful black woman who has a support network to rival verizon, so as they say...this too shall pass.

T.C. said...

@blu-I know its about the message...and TRUST I needed it and was so blessed to receive it...thanks so much...I got it! TRUST