of the Foreign Exchange project these two songs are my absolute FAVS!
take a look...definitely a summer jam and then well this melancholy of real life situations ya dig...
what you think...good vibes, good rhythm, real right?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
good times
don't you just love it when you can just go and have a GREAT weekend...
man oh man did I have a GREAT weekend...
started with me getting of a 1/2 day on friday and having monday OFF...yep that alone will give you cause to be like bump it imma have me some fun...THEN you add on top of that GREAT weather...now mind you i don't like heat can't stand heat but not even the heat could get me in a funky mood it was just going to be a good weekend...
i was (and still am) feeling like myself so why not go ahead and make some things happen some good old fashion clean fun!
Friday -INDIE SOUL
got off went to the crib did some errands and things...got myself together and headed up to bmore to hang out with Lady P...we went to see the gentlemen that you see listed to your left under "what's rocking" the show was AMAZING...it was unique in that all of the artist...Angela Johnson, Anthony David and Eric Roberson rotated their performances...each would do a 2-3 songs and then bring out the other artist and sometimes they would sing songs that they had collaborated on...it was a PARTY! I was glad that the both of us decided to go dressed "down" and very "hip hop" because we had to stand the entire time...but like i said it was worth it...truly had a blast...the only issue i had was that friggin kitchens close in bmore at 10:30 SHARP! So since the show started on time at 8pm, and we were out by 10:45 we just KNEW we were going to get to eat and eat good...NEGATIVE...but the upper deck carry out was good enough except for the bmore bama hanging out front...but again cool night
Saturday-the KIDS and the Homies
so saturday i get mad early son...lol
and go to a church to do a workshop for teenagers 13 & up and the little ones 6-12...
well i was the first session and it was for the teens...put it to you like this ONLY 3 students showed up for the last 10 mins of the sesssion it was cool i made the best of it and rolled out...i had to be back at 1 for the little ones, got back the early session running over so by the time i get them i have 30 mins...these kids were HUNGRY and tired so me trying to keep their attention was pointless..i tried but it didn't end well...LOL lesson: give me the teenagers!
i did some mroe running around before i cleaned the house and then got rerady to have dinner with my homeboy CL...me and him go WAY back to high school and i hadn't seen him in a few years so it was nice to just go out have a meal and that be it and that be all...we laughed and joked and just had a plain old GREAT time...left there went to VA to hang out with my NC folk...good times, cards, talking smack and we eventually ended up on U Street at the new spot Next Door...i didn't get home to 4:30am...and it was all just good fun...no pressure no drama no nothing just fun!
Sunday-showers and cooking out
so my ls' bridal shower was sunday...that was so much fun...its always good to see someone who is truly happy and ready to take that step in her (or his) life to be fully committed...it was off to the parents and to the store...then i got a surprise call from sweet nee talking about a cookout...so i went over there...hung out ate some crabs and once again talked smack...ended off the night with going back to U street to see kc sing...saw some old faces and hung
Monday-lunchtime soloist
since it was my day OFF i slept in and worked out...i did have to do a call for work but that ended early...so i chilled until my momma came over for lunch and to go see the soloist...good times...she was even rocking to Anthony David talking about "i can listen to this" i just couldn't help but laugh becuase she NEVER likes my music unless i am bumpin the ole school stuff...well i wouldn't say NEVER but there have been enough times where she is like "what is this mess" she was even gangsta leaning in my truck...didn't even move the seat back up...CLASSIC...i love her!
the movie was HEAVY i mean HEAVY...very indie...i haven't read the book but the movie just i don't know how to put it into words...it ended realisitcally and having someone in my family with mental health issues it did help me to understand a little better...
overall the weekend was basically one of the BEST weekends i have had in a LONG time...i was around GREAT people, intelligent, kind, funny, honest, wonderfully good people all weekend...and that's what life is about surrounding yourself with the BEST that there is, only person missin was lil PC my cuzzo...this is what life is all about learning loving growing into the best you...this weekend i saw a glisp of my best me and i LOVED it!
man oh man did I have a GREAT weekend...
started with me getting of a 1/2 day on friday and having monday OFF...yep that alone will give you cause to be like bump it imma have me some fun...THEN you add on top of that GREAT weather...now mind you i don't like heat can't stand heat but not even the heat could get me in a funky mood it was just going to be a good weekend...
i was (and still am) feeling like myself so why not go ahead and make some things happen some good old fashion clean fun!
Friday -INDIE SOUL
got off went to the crib did some errands and things...got myself together and headed up to bmore to hang out with Lady P...we went to see the gentlemen that you see listed to your left under "what's rocking" the show was AMAZING...it was unique in that all of the artist...Angela Johnson, Anthony David and Eric Roberson rotated their performances...each would do a 2-3 songs and then bring out the other artist and sometimes they would sing songs that they had collaborated on...it was a PARTY! I was glad that the both of us decided to go dressed "down" and very "hip hop" because we had to stand the entire time...but like i said it was worth it...truly had a blast...the only issue i had was that friggin kitchens close in bmore at 10:30 SHARP! So since the show started on time at 8pm, and we were out by 10:45 we just KNEW we were going to get to eat and eat good...NEGATIVE...but the upper deck carry out was good enough except for the bmore bama hanging out front...but again cool night
Saturday-the KIDS and the Homies
so saturday i get mad early son...lol
and go to a church to do a workshop for teenagers 13 & up and the little ones 6-12...
well i was the first session and it was for the teens...put it to you like this ONLY 3 students showed up for the last 10 mins of the sesssion it was cool i made the best of it and rolled out...i had to be back at 1 for the little ones, got back the early session running over so by the time i get them i have 30 mins...these kids were HUNGRY and tired so me trying to keep their attention was pointless..i tried but it didn't end well...LOL lesson: give me the teenagers!
i did some mroe running around before i cleaned the house and then got rerady to have dinner with my homeboy CL...me and him go WAY back to high school and i hadn't seen him in a few years so it was nice to just go out have a meal and that be it and that be all...we laughed and joked and just had a plain old GREAT time...left there went to VA to hang out with my NC folk...good times, cards, talking smack and we eventually ended up on U Street at the new spot Next Door...i didn't get home to 4:30am...and it was all just good fun...no pressure no drama no nothing just fun!
Sunday-showers and cooking out
so my ls' bridal shower was sunday...that was so much fun...its always good to see someone who is truly happy and ready to take that step in her (or his) life to be fully committed...it was off to the parents and to the store...then i got a surprise call from sweet nee talking about a cookout...so i went over there...hung out ate some crabs and once again talked smack...ended off the night with going back to U street to see kc sing...saw some old faces and hung
Monday-lunchtime soloist
since it was my day OFF i slept in and worked out...i did have to do a call for work but that ended early...so i chilled until my momma came over for lunch and to go see the soloist...good times...she was even rocking to Anthony David talking about "i can listen to this" i just couldn't help but laugh becuase she NEVER likes my music unless i am bumpin the ole school stuff...well i wouldn't say NEVER but there have been enough times where she is like "what is this mess" she was even gangsta leaning in my truck...didn't even move the seat back up...CLASSIC...i love her!
the movie was HEAVY i mean HEAVY...very indie...i haven't read the book but the movie just i don't know how to put it into words...it ended realisitcally and having someone in my family with mental health issues it did help me to understand a little better...
overall the weekend was basically one of the BEST weekends i have had in a LONG time...i was around GREAT people, intelligent, kind, funny, honest, wonderfully good people all weekend...and that's what life is about surrounding yourself with the BEST that there is, only person missin was lil PC my cuzzo...this is what life is all about learning loving growing into the best you...this weekend i saw a glisp of my best me and i LOVED it!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
repost of sorts
being humble doesn't mean you think less of yourself it just means you think of yourself less...humility will allow you to be open to change for the BETTER which leads to GREATNESS!
pretty much i was feeling really down yesterday
i tend to let what others feel and think dictate how i feel and carry things WAY to much
i try not to, but when someone close to you isn't "hearing" you and what you are trying to convey and kinda just ignores what you are saying as if your feelings aren't valid its hard...
i have truly gotten better but i also know that there is always room to grow...because people's actions are just that THEIR actions and i can't let it dictate MY actions or reactions...i can't allow it to take me out of where i have come so far to, and that's someone who wants to think before she speaks...who is quick to listen and slow to speak...still working on it, but working none the less....
that's why i am trying my best to be OPEN to what others in fact have to say about me..
i had a very humbling conversation with my cousin last night, who although younger, i can't consider to be my "little" cousin not with her being 24...i have always been the protector so its hard NOT to protect...it wasn't has hard as i think that she thought it would be for me to listen to other things that she had been wanting to tell me...including that she thinks i am stepping out and allowing myself to be open to new possibilities but that i have a "mean face" people will "never approach (me) because i have such a face that says i am mean and not how cool and chill and fun and lovable i am..."
honestly not the first time i have heard that...but hey you know i guess that's just my "guard" as she called it...
i think that she was a little "shocked" that i was so receptive but honestly i do take heed to what people have to say and i listen and take the positive from it to grow to be the better me...i am NOT perfect or got it going on so much that i can't listen to someone who i know loves me feels about certain things that i do that may hurt her feelings or things that she feels like may hurt me, i inturn was also able to explain some things to her to help her gain some knowledge herself and some things that may or may not hurt my feelings....it was good...
i ended the conversation with "i understand we both have very strong opinions and sometimes those opionions can come off as judgemental even if that's not the intent so we just need to be mindful of that" she agreed and that was that...
neither one of us ever mean to be mean to each other or hurt each other but the truth is that sometimes the things we say and do can in fact hurt another person...so you gotta be mindful and know the difference between intent and impact
i know one thing is for sure i definitely do NOT and will NOT be one of those people who you can't tell how you really feel too...i will always try my best to be fully open to what others have to say and humble myself to their views so that i can GROW...especially those I KNOW have my best interest at heart and see me fully for who i am and not just glimpses here and there...
enough with that...
in general i am definitely feeling more like my peaceful self today...
my first propoal/application.mini grant was awarded! whoooohooo...
about to submit my first membership report, its an update of sorts...but still excited about it...hopefully that will be done and out the door by 5:30
then its off to work out...no matter what working out always makes me feel better...it truly does help me release all the tension from the day...
i am still not perfect, nor do i ever think i will be, but i am truly perfect in my imperfections and open to all the positive vibes that true loving GROWTH has to offer...
pretty much i was feeling really down yesterday
i tend to let what others feel and think dictate how i feel and carry things WAY to much
i try not to, but when someone close to you isn't "hearing" you and what you are trying to convey and kinda just ignores what you are saying as if your feelings aren't valid its hard...
i have truly gotten better but i also know that there is always room to grow...because people's actions are just that THEIR actions and i can't let it dictate MY actions or reactions...i can't allow it to take me out of where i have come so far to, and that's someone who wants to think before she speaks...who is quick to listen and slow to speak...still working on it, but working none the less....
that's why i am trying my best to be OPEN to what others in fact have to say about me..
i had a very humbling conversation with my cousin last night, who although younger, i can't consider to be my "little" cousin not with her being 24...i have always been the protector so its hard NOT to protect...it wasn't has hard as i think that she thought it would be for me to listen to other things that she had been wanting to tell me...including that she thinks i am stepping out and allowing myself to be open to new possibilities but that i have a "mean face" people will "never approach (me) because i have such a face that says i am mean and not how cool and chill and fun and lovable i am..."
honestly not the first time i have heard that...but hey you know i guess that's just my "guard" as she called it...
i think that she was a little "shocked" that i was so receptive but honestly i do take heed to what people have to say and i listen and take the positive from it to grow to be the better me...i am NOT perfect or got it going on so much that i can't listen to someone who i know loves me feels about certain things that i do that may hurt her feelings or things that she feels like may hurt me, i inturn was also able to explain some things to her to help her gain some knowledge herself and some things that may or may not hurt my feelings....it was good...
i ended the conversation with "i understand we both have very strong opinions and sometimes those opionions can come off as judgemental even if that's not the intent so we just need to be mindful of that" she agreed and that was that...
neither one of us ever mean to be mean to each other or hurt each other but the truth is that sometimes the things we say and do can in fact hurt another person...so you gotta be mindful and know the difference between intent and impact
i know one thing is for sure i definitely do NOT and will NOT be one of those people who you can't tell how you really feel too...i will always try my best to be fully open to what others have to say and humble myself to their views so that i can GROW...especially those I KNOW have my best interest at heart and see me fully for who i am and not just glimpses here and there...
enough with that...
in general i am definitely feeling more like my peaceful self today...
my first propoal/application.mini grant was awarded! whoooohooo...
about to submit my first membership report, its an update of sorts...but still excited about it...hopefully that will be done and out the door by 5:30
then its off to work out...no matter what working out always makes me feel better...it truly does help me release all the tension from the day...
i am still not perfect, nor do i ever think i will be, but i am truly perfect in my imperfections and open to all the positive vibes that true loving GROWTH has to offer...
Monday, April 20, 2009
today...
i am feeling uninspiredunmotivated
and i feel like i can't shake it
i am feeling tried
and repressed
like my spirit is some way in a depressed state of being that will not allow my soul to stop screaming
of injustice and lack of joy
for the peace in my soul that i live for
eludes me on this day
maybe its the rain
or is it the drain of the everyday mundane tasks of this life
i try to stretch and calm my being
but the reality that makes up today doesn't allow me to change the circumstances for which i am in
the normal flow of music through my veins can't even help me now
silence and a dark room are what i seek to find
so that solace can take over me as i shed my tears and find my way back to
ME
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
i wanna fly a kite
yep i want to go to a park on a nice sunny not to cold not to hot day and just fly a kite, swing on some swings...and walk around some water...
maybe take some fruit and sit and watch people (ya'll know i love to people watch) doesn't that sound like a good time...
well it does to me...
i guess i am focusing on the nice spring weather that's supposed to be coming our way...
i know that April showers bring May flowers but does it have to be so cold still...i mean mid-60s would be perfect right about now...
i love spring and fall...best time of the year to me the colors are GREAT
spring pastels
fall well fall colors...the crisp oranges and greens...
the air always seems fresher and clean...
i just really enjoy those times of year...so i want to get out and enjoy them!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
let me vent
so i just got called a bitch...
yep a b-i-t-c-h...
its not like i haven't been called a bitch before because i have for various reasons i wouldn't talk to someone, or i didn't like what someone said to me so i spoke my mind...someone just last week called playing on my house phone from a private number and called me a bitch...whatever...
but never in my life has someone called me a bitch because i had an opinion on something
so there was this "question of the day" thing on facebook by this dude i was pretty aiight with in high school...he is always asking random questions about love, sex, relationships...that type of thing...
so his question today was: why are women so emotional and why do men change after they get the sex...
so i was reading the responses and one person said women are made that way and men once they get what they want move on...so i asked the question of:
why/what makes men not o wait at LEAST 90 days (that's been the common thread topic lately right) to have sex with a woman?
or something to that affect...
and i asked you know some supporting questions to go along with it but you get the gest...
so when he responds to me he says: TC...((bitch))....
and gives his response...
dude i can't even tell you what the rest of it said basically something along the lines that i was trippin men won't wait that long whatever...
initially i was like he couldn't possibly be calling me that because i have an opinion but i realized DUDE just called me a bitch...
why because i aint no jumpoff
why because i have standards and believe that you can't just be throwing it all around...
why because i love me and respect me....
dude no BOY BYE...
so i went through the whole am i gonna call this dude out, send him a message what...but nope...i deleted my response and went to my "friends" list and deleted that bama!
period the end!
i am not even going to entertain or associate myself with someone who has no respect...period!
people just really kill me these days with the lack of respect that they have...its like i can't even have an opinion imma bitch now...
so i am just like dude i am done!
DELETE
yep a b-i-t-c-h...
its not like i haven't been called a bitch before because i have for various reasons i wouldn't talk to someone, or i didn't like what someone said to me so i spoke my mind...someone just last week called playing on my house phone from a private number and called me a bitch...whatever...
but never in my life has someone called me a bitch because i had an opinion on something
so there was this "question of the day" thing on facebook by this dude i was pretty aiight with in high school...he is always asking random questions about love, sex, relationships...that type of thing...
so his question today was: why are women so emotional and why do men change after they get the sex...
so i was reading the responses and one person said women are made that way and men once they get what they want move on...so i asked the question of:
why/what makes men not o wait at LEAST 90 days (that's been the common thread topic lately right) to have sex with a woman?
or something to that affect...
and i asked you know some supporting questions to go along with it but you get the gest...
so when he responds to me he says: TC...((bitch))....
and gives his response...
dude i can't even tell you what the rest of it said basically something along the lines that i was trippin men won't wait that long whatever...
initially i was like he couldn't possibly be calling me that because i have an opinion but i realized DUDE just called me a bitch...
why because i aint no jumpoff
why because i have standards and believe that you can't just be throwing it all around...
why because i love me and respect me....
dude no BOY BYE...
so i went through the whole am i gonna call this dude out, send him a message what...but nope...i deleted my response and went to my "friends" list and deleted that bama!
period the end!
i am not even going to entertain or associate myself with someone who has no respect...period!
people just really kill me these days with the lack of respect that they have...its like i can't even have an opinion imma bitch now...
so i am just like dude i am done!
DELETE
March for the future
so on Saturday, April 18 I will be walking for the march of dimes...in the past 5 years or so there have been about 8 babies born prematurely to people in either my immediate circle or outer...3 have been lost...
its a heavy heavy subject i know but as a means to say okay enough is enough i am walking to make a difference...
there is a definitely health problem at hand that needs to be dealt with and addressed...so i am going to do my part and work towards addressing it...
so this Saturday I walk...i walk for those who have come and have made it, those who haven't and those who are yet to come...
if you want more information or would like to make a difference you can go here:
www.marchforbabies.org/mftf
Monday, April 13, 2009
Drive
i am finally back to being in my stride...my drivei had a good mellow weekend, not because anything spectacular happened per se, but i definitely have more energy than i have the past 3-4 weeks...
i know that me having nothing to do was extremely helpful and i was able to rest up a bit...
i was got off of work on friday afternoon, run around, clean the house and work out...
saturday chilled got up worked out, did some bridesmaid stuff ran some errands...chilled
Sunday went walking before service went to service and hung out with the family and then worked out again...
so if there is one common thread in all of this, its the working out piece...i really find peace, solace and positive energy from working out...it centers me and makes me really feel like i am doing something for myself...
the older i get the more i find that making TRUE time for yourself becomes harder and harder, even when you don't have a family of your own or significant other its hard to just really say okay this is time for me and that's it...there is always something to do or somewhere to be so working out is that one time of the day that i can say okay i am doing this for me to have a healthier life...
i have also cut out all meat and reduced my carbs considerably and only drinking herbal tea in the morning and the rest its just water this past week...man oh man what energy has come from that...i am sleeping better not as tired when getting up...so its a great difference
my line sister asked what prompted this change...
i just simply stated i wanted to LOVE what i see when i look in the mirror and be fully happy with ME...
not to mention it does get frustrating the things that people say when they calls someone FAT that's the same size as you, but because you are their "friend" you aren't fat too...puh leeze...people have a funny way of showing their support and love but that's another post for another day...not the driving force for my drive so moving on
so i got the emotional thing in check that's growing, the spiritual thing in check that's growing but i was definitely lacking in the physical health department...so working on that is a challenge but i enjoy it
i am finally feeling like i am getting my focus back, which is right on time because i definitely was losing my focus and drive...i was just like a walking out of it mess from day to day...i mean emotionally i am straight but physically and mentally i was still OFF...i was fighting my way back up but i was off...
so now i feel like okay time to make some thing happen...line somethings up stay focused at work and get this new program off the ground time to make some things happen...
i didn't go out and meet any new people last week or this weekend, but that's probably because i am not fully ready just yet...also last week was a hard week so i didn't go to the mentor meeting i did my first application as the lead so that was fun it was short and sweet but i am still nervous as i await the yea or nea...
so pretty much i feel like i am getting my stride back you know like i had it at the first of the year...i can definitely say that me taking time everyday for myself is paying off in more ways than one and that makes me happy
still got a lot of things in the fire but they just a slow simmer not at a boil just yet...
although i have made a decision about my career and what i want to do with myself i still have some time before it all falls into place so in between all of that its working and networking and all that great stuff...
i read this article this morning and here are 3 things if you aren't sure what to do next...
1. take bold action even going the wrong way is taking some kind of action
2. Believe in yourself! (you gotta believe in YOU even when no one else does)
3. Accept the risk (which is inherent in trying something new) the worst that can happen probably isn't that bad, when you think it through. its easy to let your fears become excuses for inaction....
so let's take ACTION
so the TC drive is coming back folks...
Monday, April 06, 2009
l-o-v-e
i want it...EVENTUALLY...not now...and TRUST as you keep reading you'll see why it will take a while
riding in the truck this weekend i put on Jill Scott's first album...and all i could do is smile from ear to ear just thinking about the possibility of LOVE and all that it has to offer...maybe its because its been almost a year since it all went down and ended, but its been a year since i saw it all coming and started to pull back and take off my rose colored glasses...i have really taken the last 9 months to really just focus on ME MYSELF and I...
don't get me wrong i am in NO WAY SHAPE or FORM ready for LOVE...dating and spreading my wings a little bit...but love...why because trust i am not even finished growing to love me
"it’s important to take time for yourself and discover who you are as an individual before including someone else in your life. Make sure you have your own life before you’re someone else’s wife,”
i am definitely still working and building on that area in my life...i definitely do have my own life, i feel no real loneliness at all...and i enjoy life and myself...i am working on trying to better myself taking time for myself and just really doing what i have to do to make me happy and whole with just me...like i have said i know who i am flaws and all and okay with it...so i can truly appreciate that quote above i have and will continue to take time for ME-TC
BUT
truth is eventually being in love and being someone's wife would be nice...thankfully i am not PRESSED though...like i know it'll happen when its supposed to
CLEARLY when i grow in love again...i definitely want this time it to be RIGHT...
i am definitely NOT just anybodies girlfriend...i don't do casual flings or whatever...
so if i decide to be in a committed relationship with someone i will definitely be doing so with someone whom i have developed a CLOSE bond with as a FRIEND FIRST...
i want to feel like this, no settling...if i can't sing these songs at the top of my lungs i can't do it!
he Loves me (lyzel in e flat). - Jill Scott
or maybe i'll feel like this:
The Truth - India.Arie
and i want him to feel like this, same thing no matter what, good bad rain or shine...i want him to feel like this about me:
sobeautiful - Musiq Soulchild
OR he can feel like this:
143 - Musiq
no matter what at the end of the day, after its all said and done...we should be able to be in love a deep respectful, communicative, friendship, spiritual, emotionally connected, friendship, respectful, faithful, loyal, honest...kind of love!
but all of that takes time...
in Steve Harvey's new book, he mentions that 90 day rule, now in his mind the 90 day rule is just to have sex...but in my mind the 90 day is about just seeing if you can even BE FRIENDS with this person, get a long with them and want to DATE exclusively (dating does not in my mind include sex) here is my rationale...
if you go on any new job right, you get a LEAST a 90 day probationary period...at the end of that 3 month time you and your job can say okay this is a good fit let's move forward or can say at the present time this isn't going to work out
NOW if that's the case on a friggin job, wouldn't that be the case with getting to know someone...as much stuff as we all carry around in life wouldn't you think it would take you at LEAST 90 days to say yea this person is cool enough to date possibly date exclusively...
now let's take this even a step further...studies show that it takes a person 6-8 months, if they are GOOD, at fully learning a new job...again a JOB, but really a full 12-16 months to be fully acclimated and in control of your position
think about when you started a job and you had to read and study and learn the position, then you started doing the work, learning from past person's mistakes and your own, right about that year mark is when you find your stride, correct me if i am wrong...again this is in general, i know some folks are superstars no matter what but just think about it for us common folk...
so if that's the case for WORK wouldn't it take about 6-8 months to get to know someone and see if they are someone you want to be in a committed relationship with...at least (again i do know of situations were people just "knew" some of those situations have worked out others not so much but it does happen or can happen in less than 6 months, even marriage)
i mean most folks "wear the mask" for the first 6 months and don't even show you who they REALLY are until after that time...i mean the ladies stop being cute ALL the time and soon break out the scarf and its busted...the guy isn't as sweet anymore and soon goes back to his sports and homies....so why not take your time find out what the person is really about, keep sex out of the picture and get to know them on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level FIRST become FRIENDS first...
there was once a question put out there "would you rather be a wise woman of follow your heart" my response was i would rather be wise because being wise will protect my heart and allow my heart to be open when the time is right...so that's my stance and i am keeping it...
i understand a lot more about myself and what i have to offer to a relationship and what is and isn't...i am not afraid of being alone because i am never lonely i am not afraid of saying to someone that i am abstinent and being okay if they aren't okay with that...i am just in a good place where i know what my standards are and i want someone to love me for me and all my many many many did i say MANY layers...and just love me for me...and i can love him for him...again that comes from being true friends first...bonding on a heart to heart level...
i definitely still believe that love is really possible...
i have had my heart broken but i haven't been BROKEN... there is truly a difference
i am loving the fact that in my heart i am no longer worried about "IF" its going to come but just preparing myself for WHEN it happens...what i want and being open to my needs (that i might not even know are there) being met...
riding in the truck this weekend i put on Jill Scott's first album...and all i could do is smile from ear to ear just thinking about the possibility of LOVE and all that it has to offer...maybe its because its been almost a year since it all went down and ended, but its been a year since i saw it all coming and started to pull back and take off my rose colored glasses...i have really taken the last 9 months to really just focus on ME MYSELF and I...
don't get me wrong i am in NO WAY SHAPE or FORM ready for LOVE...dating and spreading my wings a little bit...but love...why because trust i am not even finished growing to love me
"it’s important to take time for yourself and discover who you are as an individual before including someone else in your life. Make sure you have your own life before you’re someone else’s wife,”
i am definitely still working and building on that area in my life...i definitely do have my own life, i feel no real loneliness at all...and i enjoy life and myself...i am working on trying to better myself taking time for myself and just really doing what i have to do to make me happy and whole with just me...like i have said i know who i am flaws and all and okay with it...so i can truly appreciate that quote above i have and will continue to take time for ME-TC
BUT
truth is eventually being in love and being someone's wife would be nice...thankfully i am not PRESSED though...like i know it'll happen when its supposed to
CLEARLY when i grow in love again...i definitely want this time it to be RIGHT...
i am definitely NOT just anybodies girlfriend...i don't do casual flings or whatever...
so if i decide to be in a committed relationship with someone i will definitely be doing so with someone whom i have developed a CLOSE bond with as a FRIEND FIRST...
i want to feel like this, no settling...if i can't sing these songs at the top of my lungs i can't do it!
he Loves me (lyzel in e flat). - Jill Scott
or maybe i'll feel like this:
The Truth - India.Arie
and i want him to feel like this, same thing no matter what, good bad rain or shine...i want him to feel like this about me:
sobeautiful - Musiq Soulchild
OR he can feel like this:
143 - Musiq
no matter what at the end of the day, after its all said and done...we should be able to be in love a deep respectful, communicative, friendship, spiritual, emotionally connected, friendship, respectful, faithful, loyal, honest...kind of love!
but all of that takes time...
in Steve Harvey's new book, he mentions that 90 day rule, now in his mind the 90 day rule is just to have sex...but in my mind the 90 day is about just seeing if you can even BE FRIENDS with this person, get a long with them and want to DATE exclusively (dating does not in my mind include sex) here is my rationale...
if you go on any new job right, you get a LEAST a 90 day probationary period...at the end of that 3 month time you and your job can say okay this is a good fit let's move forward or can say at the present time this isn't going to work out
NOW if that's the case on a friggin job, wouldn't that be the case with getting to know someone...as much stuff as we all carry around in life wouldn't you think it would take you at LEAST 90 days to say yea this person is cool enough to date possibly date exclusively...
now let's take this even a step further...studies show that it takes a person 6-8 months, if they are GOOD, at fully learning a new job...again a JOB, but really a full 12-16 months to be fully acclimated and in control of your position
think about when you started a job and you had to read and study and learn the position, then you started doing the work, learning from past person's mistakes and your own, right about that year mark is when you find your stride, correct me if i am wrong...again this is in general, i know some folks are superstars no matter what but just think about it for us common folk...
so if that's the case for WORK wouldn't it take about 6-8 months to get to know someone and see if they are someone you want to be in a committed relationship with...at least (again i do know of situations were people just "knew" some of those situations have worked out others not so much but it does happen or can happen in less than 6 months, even marriage)
i mean most folks "wear the mask" for the first 6 months and don't even show you who they REALLY are until after that time...i mean the ladies stop being cute ALL the time and soon break out the scarf and its busted...the guy isn't as sweet anymore and soon goes back to his sports and homies....so why not take your time find out what the person is really about, keep sex out of the picture and get to know them on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level FIRST become FRIENDS first...
there was once a question put out there "would you rather be a wise woman of follow your heart" my response was i would rather be wise because being wise will protect my heart and allow my heart to be open when the time is right...so that's my stance and i am keeping it...
i understand a lot more about myself and what i have to offer to a relationship and what is and isn't...i am not afraid of being alone because i am never lonely i am not afraid of saying to someone that i am abstinent and being okay if they aren't okay with that...i am just in a good place where i know what my standards are and i want someone to love me for me and all my many many many did i say MANY layers...and just love me for me...and i can love him for him...again that comes from being true friends first...bonding on a heart to heart level...
i definitely still believe that love is really possible...
i have had my heart broken but i haven't been BROKEN... there is truly a difference
i am loving the fact that in my heart i am no longer worried about "IF" its going to come but just preparing myself for WHEN it happens...what i want and being open to my needs (that i might not even know are there) being met...
the beginning
so I am now ready to start placing myself in situations or environments that will allow me to meet new people and possibly entertain the idea of dating again...but I think i am ready...don't get me wrong i have been out, to even a party or two...but that's not the type of going out I am talking about...i am talking about really putting myself in environments that allow conversation/dialogue/debate can take place...atmospheres where you can get a peek into someone's spirit...
so definitely NOT the club and NOT a Happy Hour...
i had a conversation with my parents (my dad just jumped in it, like fathers do when talking about love/relationships/dating, i was really just talking to my mom) about putting myself out there and in places and situations where i can meet nice/decent folk-people...
like for example this mentor meeting i will be attending this week or maybe a "movie night" or "poetry event" and church activities understanding that its all a roll of the dice no matter which way you slice it, BUT that my odds may be a little better than the club or happy hour...lol...my dad said straight up "well if you think you gonna find a man in the club, they looking for what they THINK you looking for..."
remember this out of Coming to America...when Hakeem was trying to find his QUEEN but he was going to the clubs and couldn't find anyone, well SANE....and the barber shop owner was like
"you can't go to the club to find no good woman, you gotta go to a nice place like church, find a good woman there, the library you'll find a good woman in there, and the Black Awareness Rally, where i am going tonight...you'll find a good CLEAN girl there..."
funny but again oh so true...you gotta be very mindful of what situations and environments you are putting yourself in to "meet" folks...
for example, if you don't want to date an alcoholic you might not want to be spending times in a bar at happy hour to "meet" folks...
so i am really ready to start getting out there...
i think also part of the issue is, over the weekend i realized i do NOT belong to a "crew" of women, you know like Sex and the City...i am plenty cool with a many a crew, BUT i don't belong to one...its like i have plenty of home girls and they each have their own sector of girls that ALL hang together...i don't have that...all my girls are pretty much cool, but not "friends" so we hang, but not on a regular basis and depending what's going on I could be hanging with any sector of girls...that too i am sure plays a major part in the fact that i don't go to events and things with particular folks...
but again i am ready to put myself out there...go to a few more events start to take in different scenes and allow myself to be open...
i have a whole nother blog i'll write about when it comes to THAT four letter word...but hey one baby step at a time...
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
making up your mind
that's what i had to do about a MAJOR life decision but I did it!
I made up my mind and i am determined that I am going to stick to the decision i made
initally i was just going to ride the fence a little bit about it but then i decided that...no let me stop fronting the REALITY of things set in, rose colored glasses came off again...and BAM! there it is my decision has been made...
it will take a while for all of it to play out but the wheels are definitely in motion...
and i am definitely happy...
i will keep giving my all until that transition time comes but basically i have decided to step out and do something scary and new and i am ready for the change!
I made up my mind and i am determined that I am going to stick to the decision i made
initally i was just going to ride the fence a little bit about it but then i decided that...no let me stop fronting the REALITY of things set in, rose colored glasses came off again...and BAM! there it is my decision has been made...
it will take a while for all of it to play out but the wheels are definitely in motion...
and i am definitely happy...
i will keep giving my all until that transition time comes but basically i have decided to step out and do something scary and new and i am ready for the change!
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