disperse

pretty much the song of the moment for me...



"cause worse come to worse....my peoples come FIRST"

period that's how it is...and my peoples knwo who they are

liberation

what's the true meaning of liberation...

to be freed from what? half the time its to be liberated from yourself and your own "box" of thoughts that you surround yourself with or in...

terrible thing one's thoughts can be

i know that my thoughts have been getting the best of me more than usual lately...

i must admit that i have been thinking and re-thinking conversations and interactions-just things

i wonder why the ind tends to do that...go back and forth over past events...all it does is punish you...i have already reflected and i am learning but i am thinking that my mind is just processing...it all started last week when i went out of town...it was the first trip that i went on "single" in a long time...so it was weird...i am glad its over with done...

you know how it is when you start getting back into your life and every time you do something that you did with that person it takes you back a little bit...and i thinkthat happened....it also didn't help that i tend to feel extremely lonely when i am out of town for work...being the youngest person and the only person of color in the deep south did in deed take it toll...but it always seems to make me a stronger person...

then i came back only to be SICK...so i have been in the house since Thursday...i went to a work meeting and came back home and have been in the house ever since...here's the thing though...it doesn't bother me...

liberation is knowing that you are a good person but that your being a good person may not be enough for the person you want it to be good enough for...does that make sense? put it this way, i know a really good guy, i mean he is a really good guy, but he just isn't the good guy for me...just like i know that i may not be a good girl for someone else...you know...

liberation is knowing that no matter what you are striving to be the best person you can be and that your past does not define who you are, it just a chapter in your life a piece of your story...

liberation is loving yourself flaws and all

So is this right

You Are 5: The Investigator


You're independent - and a logical analytical thinker.
You love learning and ideas... and know things no one else does.

Bored by small talk, you refuse to participate in boring conversations.
You are open minded. A visionary. You understand the world and may change it.

At Your Best: You are sharp, inventive, and creative. You have the skills to lead the world.

At Your Worst: You are reclusive, weird, and a bit paranoid.

Your Fixation: Greed

Your Primary Fear: Being useless or incompetent

Your Primary Desire: Being competent and needed

Other Number 5's: Bill Gates, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Bjork, and Stephen Hawking.

UPDATE:

so i took the quiz again and now it says i am an individualist...it can definitely be both i am a total combination
You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy

Your Primary Fear: To have no identity

Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

ready to go...

yep i am ready to go
ready to come home
me and texas' relationship needs to come to an end
it started off rather rocky
it did get better with some shopping in town (yes the same racist town from the post below)
but the people in the shops were nice (i love finding one of a kind pieces)

so much in this topic that i am listening to right now, is BLOWING me...yea so i am obese according to the numbers...man society doesn't really has us jacked up

definitely need to be healthy, and live a healthy lifestyle (eating right, exercise) just being healthy

small doesn't necessarily = healthy and recent studies have shown that

anyways...

CLEARLY being away from home for 5 days seems to be my limit...i have actually liked the place we are staying although i had to fuss so that we didn't get chicken for dinner last night, it would have made it night #3 for chicken...yea how bout NO...these people would have gone off and on ME because of that...

yea doing trainings meaning logistics and actually training is a lot...

but okay another issue is that i don't get credit but whatevs...

remember the four agreements:
1. be impeccable with your word
2. don't take anything personally
3. don't assume (always ask questions)
4. always do your best

i try to live by those agreements daily on top of the normal day to day moral guidelines that my family raised me with ( you know Bible knowledge)

its amazing how it all links together

maybe families wouldn't come because you talk down to them...anywho

then you have to deal with "how's the boyfriend?" LOL
actually that wasn't that hard as you would think since i am genuinely a happy person and happy in my life so to say its over doesn't bother me

you know who i have been thinking about lately...my college boyfriend...ni seems to think that something is wrong...i hope not, he is just on my mind...

i have also realised that none of my ex's are "the one" at least not in my mind...like since the break-up i have been doing inventory, because like i have said time and time again you must take personal stock and reflect on your role in the situation...well not only have i been thinking about this past situation but ALL my past situations because i am really at the point where i want to
1. make better/wiser choices in relationships
2. i really want my life to be peaceful and happy

that's the funny thing my life number is 2 which in short is for peace...

i journal all day yesterday...its really therapeutic...

okay this is long enough

oh my plans-all that are definitely coming together

from my fingers to HIS ears

racism is STILL alive...part (whoknows)

so as my co-worker (who is white) went to breakfast at the Bourne Cafe & Grill this morning for breakfast we didn't know we would be walking into 1955...

CLEARLY it was a "white ONLY " establishment even though those words were not written on the doors...

we walked in placed our order and proceeded to sit there while at least 5 other orders (which were placed after ours)

as soon as we sat down it was like i was in an alien on the planet we call earth...i mean you could cut the tension with a knief it was totally insane...it was the most uncomfortable feeling.

i don't think i have experienced such a feeling like this in my adult life...i texted some people with my outrage and my mentor said "use your training" yea that's WAY easier said than done! I didn't act a fool or anything when the orders got backed up my co-worker went and asked about it...i mean i wasn't going to go up to them and teach them about the african-american experience and teach them about me and my culture and how ignorant they are/were being...keeping my composure was their lesson that all black folks don't act a fool and that we don't run away from ignorant ish either...


had i not pre-paid we probably would have left the place...but i am glad we didn't we sat and talked about work and talking about business...

lesson learned never run away from racism you stand tall and show and prove
she and i both were upset...of course i didn't let it get to me, but still it wasn't the best way to start my full day off...

i got engaged last night....

he got down on one knee at my madea's house in Alabama...in her kitchen, just me and him

he was tall and like a caramel color...it was sweet, it was personal, it was just me and him in the kitchen, it was i think early morning because not soon after everyone started getting up and coming for breakfast...all of my family was there including my parents so it must have been something going on...i got engaged!

seriously i did!

well in my dream anyways...

the dream was soooooooooooo real...

here is the thing i remember a couple of things from the dream that stand out:

1. i was at peace and truly happy

2. we made a date right then and there, initially i proposed 09-09-09, but his brother was in the service and he stated that wouldn't work being so close to the anniversary of 9-11 he wouldn't be able to "view" the services from over seas so we picked 10-10-10...

but there were 2 things that stand out that were OFF:

1. he didn't ask my father for my hand in marriage (i am a FIRM believer in this tradition of having my parents bless my union so you gonna ask)

2. my mother was TOTALLY against it...she never said why, and before i could get an answer from her

what is so totally ironic about this entire situation is the fact that i just had a conversation with Mama C the other evening about the fact that i don't' know if marriage and kids is really for me...yea i know completely shocking right...especially when a couple months ago i was stating that i felt like my greatest accomplishment would be to be a mother and a wife...and its not that i don't love children or believe that there are good men out there...because i know there are...

yes as this month's Essence shows, men do in fact cheat...but so do women, people in general cheat...

the one thing i know for sure about when people cheat, its normally because of their own issues weather it be self-esteem, the control/power over cheating, fulfilling some superficial "wanting" or even communication (not communicating needs to their partner and just going elsewhere)..whatever the case is, it usually doesn't have anything, majorly, to do with the partner...because if you are that miserable then you LEAVE you don't cheat...

i have also learned that monogamy is a CHOICE and it doesnt' mean that you don't still find other's attractive it just means that you CHOOSE to not act on that...you choose to be faithful and loyal, its a choice a choice that you make on a daily basis...

i know that personally i am not even thinking about a relationship let alone marriage...i may be a wife in waiting, but here's the thing i am not waiting...

i have some personal goals some things that i need to get done and i am working to make those things happen for me in my life, and they are indeed happening, slowly but surely i am living for me and making some things happen and again i am really happy...

so although the ring was beautiful and the proposal was so sweet (never how i personally imagined, like at a family cookout-him going up and stopping the music) it was what was beautiful between he and i...

a lesson to take would be that its the special moments, although not as "i" would imagine-how they are supposed to be...

Optimistic

you know a lot of times in life, the day to day can sometimes get to you...

or try to get to you i'll say...

people can sometimes get to you...you know taking things personally and coming at you as if you are the person who is deliberately doing something "behind their backs" when clearly it isn't that we are doing something behind their backs...becasue CLEARLY you are just trying to do your job as well, or maybe you are just trying to live the best life you can live too, or maybe you are just trying to be a better person...

so what do you do...don't take it personally...as hard it may sound...

when life gets crazy and sometimes extremely hectic for us you know its best to keep pressing forwrad and to be optimistic about it all...

becasue you know what at the end of the day, as long as YOU know you did your best, you gave your all, and you did it whole heartedly without any malicous...you can look in the mirror and sayI can only be me...and smile...then no worries

life is good, its just a matter of picking your battles...picking yourself and brushing yourself off, and continuing to see life for what it is...half full, at least most of the time

The TRUTH

being happy...

that's how i feel...how i been feeling a lot lately

i think it has to do with me really i mean really coming into my own and then i have so many WONDERFUL friends around me that are doing so many wonderful things and its totally inspiring...i mean to watch others around me, so positive, so forceful, so strong, so confident, in their own talents...

ni: a teacher...teaching kids 8th grade science...she is one of those people you WANT to teach your kid because she is such a compassionate person, she really wants to and will FIGHT with them kids to get them to learn something...she is enjoying life and making moves

li: up and moved to TX...just her...and is working and doing the dag on thing...you know how strong you gotta be to move a 2 days drive away from your family because you know that, TX is the place you need to be right now to do what you need to do for yourself-now that's brave

mo: another one, got a promotion, took the class, about tomove cross-country to make her dreams happen...working hard and playing hard is her thing, and she is making it work

the new mrs: my homegirl, mother of my twin god-sons..wife, mother, full time worker...i sat in their house saturday and watched her and her family interact, her washing clothes, playing with the boys, laughing and joking with her hubby...good stuff

kc: following her dreams...working a job, rehearsing, hustling, doing her thang, whatever it takes to make her dreams come true...singing, singing and performing and its not about the record deal its about the art, she truly works hard and haves fun doing it

jas: flying all over the country singing, perfomring, making moves and connections...never letting the stumbling blocks get in her way...constantly on the go just grinding to make her dreams come true

ki: married, child, and held down the fort while her husband served his country over seas...of course she had her moments, but she held it DOWN for her family...no matter WHAT she held it down...kept him focused on his job so he could come home and he'll be home this week

jac: working in the NYC...doing the thing for a company she loves doing what she went to school for and loving it! (not many of us can say that) and all the while being a fashioista

jcroft: is working for the presidental campaign!!!! WHAT we are on our way to the white house!

p: working full time, going back to school full time...about to move and doing things that people would love to do...traveling seeing the world and truly making a difference in the lives of her people!

my ls': getting married, having children...working, being stay at home mothers, in medical school, getting master degree's, buying homes, moving across country...i mean really if that isn't what power is i don't know what is...

my kiamsha family: i have such an extended family full of such wise and wonderful people. my mentors keep me grounded, keep me prayed up, keep me sound...one of them said to me on saturday "you have really grown in these last five years, you have really come into your own" i don't think she knows what those words meant to me, but they did indeed mean the world...then the younger brothers and sisters coming up that have graduated from college are just so dynamite its like WOW you guys are so strong and amazing...

my homeboys (ad, mc, sm): working, getting their masters, homeowners, into the word...again, making moves and doing right, honest, loyal, faithful men...


my blog sistahs: writing books, poetry, moving out on their own, facing fears taking chances, some are even falling in love!

this is just the surface of what is going on around me...

so many strong, wonderful, smart, impassioned, brave, inspiring people...

my plans for the next two years are going to take a little longer than expected but i am still pumped I am still totally happy about what is coming my way...because its all a lesson, its all about patience, doing things RIGHT not just right now...learning what I really want as a person, a human being, a woman, a sistah...

and no matter what bumps may come my way...i know i'll be okay

i am happy and you know its because i am cool with me...really cool with me...like really really cool...
my size, my hair, my imperfections, my flaws, my spirit, my soul

i feel full of joy
i feel empowered
i feel full of knowing who i am and whose i am
i feel like i am growing into my TRUE self and my TRUE purpose
i have learned SO much this year about what love is, and isn't
about what priorities are and are not
about what is real and what is fake
about justice
how patience is a truly a virtue
and how having confidence can shine through your very spirit just like not having confidence can...
i am who i am and i can only be who i am going to be...there isn't much more to life than that...
and for that i will NOT apologize

Sunday...

is easily becoming one of my favorite days of the week...

i got up yesterday, did a little house work, cleaned a little bit and then off to Church...
i must really say that i always leave church feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the week...

here is the thing, i am not a "religious" person...what does that mean? i don't call myself a baptist, (although i grew up in a southern baptist church) i don't call myself AME, even though that's the type of church i attend, i can't call myself a JW even though i have studied with them and attended their services...

i call myself a Christian...period and i am spiritual and believe in creating and maintaining a personal relationship with GOD, that's what i believe and all knowledge comes from reading the Bible and studying the word...and my pastor said that yesterday (side note: it took me ummmmm 4 years to find a church home, that's how serious i take it and i had fallen off but i am back in full action)

"i have no more power in the word of GOD than you do, my power comes from the same source your power comes from the Bible all you have to do is read it for yourself..."

powerful words in deed why...because 1 its the TRUTH and 2 most pastors don't tell you that, a lot of them would have you to believe that you HAVE to depend on them to understand the word...not so, we each have to develop our own individual relationship with GOD...

okay...

after that...i went to see my girl KC perform...her band Black Alley opened up for Raheem Davaugh yesterday at Fort Dupont Park...it was hot, but not humid, and me and ni sat out on the lawn with the sun blazing down and just simply enjoyed the live music and the astmosphere...it was truly a great afternoon...then you follow that up with having some fresh out the skillet fried chicken wings...it was totally awesome...totally awesome!

it was just a good day...nice weather, good folks, family and friends (a lot of my Kiamsha folks were there) so it was really a great day...inspiring to say the least has been my weekends here lately...

i must have lost it...

what?

my swagger!!! why you say that, maybe because now that its been almost two months, and my life is so busy and full and i am just happy no matter what i just find myself happy...so with that, face broke out and all i just be stepping...and maybe because its September, its football season and folks just want someone to cuddle up with, people are checking me out...even stepping to a sistah...

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

now don't get me wrong, i aint studden none of this stuff...but its nice to get the "eye" from someone, you know when someone is just smiling away at you...we all put a little extra in our step, men and women alike...

so i started noticing it on Sunday while out with P...

we are walking in georgetown and this dude coming towards us is just a looking, and i mean hard...so i am thinking oh he is looking at P, not me right, and she is like did you see that guy looking at you...

Monday leaving bowie town center this older man, really handsome was pulling up into a parking space besides me and he was just a grinning back...i couldn't help but smile because i was laughing he is steady looking and his pre-teen daughter is on her phone messing around...

yesterday i had a 2 for 1 type a day...in the morning on the way to work on the train, this guy kept looking at me...he was fly, funky kinda fly, i was diggin his style...it was a mix of funky with prep...never said anything i read my paper while feeling him looking...that was that...

on the way home this other dude was a little more "brave" we shall say...so i saw him checking me out when i got the platform, being that i dont like or want to get jacked on the metro again, i tend to be noisy (well i am generally noisy anyways) so i peeped him coming my way....so i am standing there...

him: you got some more gum
me: no
him: dag you can't ask nobody anything anymore, i was like oh i didn't mean to say no, i meant i just have anymore...(clearly noting that this dude might be crazy that i needed to check my tone)

so we get on the train, he sits behind me

him: so when we going on a date? RED FLAG
dude we are NOT young anymore...can you really open with a better line, you already hit me with "you got some more gum" come on!

me-in a sarcastic tone: well hello, how are you? my name is, and your name is?
him: oh, my name is J (showing me his ID) and i work...i'll be 29 on Saturday (RED FLAG-same birthday as my ex college "sweet" heart, superficial or superstitious i don't care what you call it but he got flagged) and your name is?
me: T....C
(HE takes a deep breathe-me wondering what the heck was that all about-looking at him crazy)
him: oh i am sorry my son's mother's name is T..., i know not all T...are the same but (RED FLAG-you got bama mama drama-you can not move past GO)

so he keeps chit chatting, he did get points for one, being very well put together, polo shirt, nice jeans, he looked presentable, nothing flashy just nice-he smelled GOOD! oh my oh my a good smelling brother is the BEST-he talked actively about his son and how important he was, in fact he stated "i am a parent-i drop him off, pick him up, he is my life" that was GREAT...

HOWEVER, baby momma drama, and his approach all OFF...i wasn't going to be able to do it...

i am not in any space to "talk to" or date anyone anyways...but when you get THREE RED FLAGS you don't get the number...period!

anywho, its nice to have my swag back, its nice to know that i am firm in keeping my standards high and keeping it moving

rAdomneSS

okay i am totally so excited i am about to burst...i can't tell you guys all what is happening just yet, but just know that GOD is totally making moves in my life and once again its on...

this weekend:
saturday i did absolutely nothing...my oversized chair got a hold on me and i was DONE for the day...i didn't want to go anywhere or do anything...and not because i was sad or anything i was just in a space where i wanted to sit and watch tv and do nothing and i was fine in my nothingness

sunday CHURCH was awesome...talked about HOPE and how hope comes to those who are faithful, because hoping that something will happen takes a lot of faith that even when it doesn't seem like it will happen, it WILL indeed happen...stopped past the parents...then me and my homegurl P (she is such a wonderful person) went to georgetown for brunch and to do some light shopping...i got some new "highend" skin care products...(P is an expert and put me on to some new stuff, and i can already see the difference in my skin-which was worse hit from the stress of the situation) ladies, one thing i know for sho...just like we take care of our hair you GOT to be willing to invest in skin care products..i had a BLAST with her...nice conversation wonderful sunny day...then i hit a cookout that evening with the bestest it was at her cousins house its always good to see them...

monday i did some walking around the community and headed over to the parents for dinner...it was nice
the ironic thing is, or maybe not so ironic is yesterday, the first day of september i sat down and journaled for about an hour...i poured out all the things that i can say i knew where "signs" that he wasn't "the ONE"...you wanna know how many signs 17! yea i know right, 17 signs...

17 lessons learned...

then i felt compailed to examine why there were so many signs but i didn't see it, well other than being in the as my girl RJ says, "being totally dumb because i was 'in love'" which we all can be in that love fog from time to time...i also realized that it wasn't over night that things happened...of course they weren't it was a slow progression of things that kept building up...but by then i was "in love" HOWEVER, near the end again, i knew i didn't like dude...

anyways, enough about him and that mess...can't spend time on that...but i found that right out those things helped propel to right out my "list"

now before everyone jumps down my throat it was NOT a IBM (ideal black man) list...it was a list of things that are non-compromising things that i need, want, desire and things i can not and will not deal with...period...

but here is the kicker...i know that i HAVE to be those things that i listed to myself FIRST before i can even expect someone to even attempt to be what i am seeking, i have to first seek that within myself...trust i am well on my way...but i just know i have to firm and unwavering, uncompromising...for myself...

i have to live my life for what it is NOW, not what it is going to be, and definately not what i want it to be but NOW

i also set some 2 year short tearm goals for myself, of which i am well on my way to reaching...half are more mental/emotional goals and the other half actual tangible goals...

again, there are so many exciting things happening in my life right now, that really are about to take me to another level...spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially...

GOD is ALWAYS ON TIME!!!
never forget that