Monday, September 18, 2006

Ok so what now....

So I am back from Vegas, sitting at work, really only here in body and not at all in mind...I mean I just have a lot to think about.
Like really what is it that I want out of life

What do I want out of life?

I had this image of being this strong corporate career woman, making the money, driving the Range, living in my own house and doing my thing, and then by now I would be engaged, about to get married and have the house in the DC burbs with 2.5 kids and a dog...

Money and not being lower middle class was the thing for me, my ticket out was my education, and with my degrees I would be sitting pretty right now...well that's not at all what life is really for me. I am struggling day to day just to keep the basic bills paid and get the necessities...I mean its a good lesson for me to learn because I have learned to budget, learned that I was shopping to fill a missing void within myself and learned that I am strong, I learned how to love myself and just be happy with just me (that's an ongoing process but I am in a good place with me not needing validation, just accepting me as the young woman that I am) learned that I can live alone, I can be alone....but now what?

What is my next move?

Do I want to be in another relationship? I mean there is something about being in love, and I really and truly want to be in love, but I am not in love with the idea of being in love and willing to settle...I see no point in settling...so maybe I will just remain single, why not? But man it's like going on year 3 at this point, being single and dating (oh and by the way I HATE dating, I hate that six month period of getting to know someone ONLY to find out that who you thought you were getting to know is NOT who the person really is...)...no its not 3, more like almost 2...geeze T stop being dramatic

That's another good thing, I am not as emotionally dramatic as I used to be...don't get me wrong I am still EXTRA with the best of them, loud, funny, all of that, but I don't let little stuff get to me AS MUCH as it used to...I can see how that was a part in my downfall of my relationship...

Why is it that I want to always talk, I always want to talk, but not just about us, about everything, I am one of those type of people that wants to know EVERYTHING, all of your hopes, fears, dreams, all of that...how was you day? What did you do? Maybe that's the downfall that I need to work on...I want someone to want to WANT to know those things too...The balancing act is learning when to let it ride and when to ask...

Stop tripping off of the small stuff...He didn't call me right back, so should I have a heart attack because of that...just explain if you aren't going to call RIGHT BACK then don't say that...just say I will call you back...but dag on is that petty...I don't know...

Do I want to work for the government? Man that's a long application to fill out, but my epxerience and educational background it would be a perfect fit, PLUS the fact that I live in DC...Duh...I mean I can start that process while I have a good job and can be here for another year or so....I don't know what to do about that...

Then there is the Project Management Certificate course, have I even started that yet, NO, have a began to pay for it YES, do I have my books for my first course YES...have I started anything, again, NO....man what's with me...get with it T, get it over with...get that certification, another thing to add to the resume so we can at least get this money to live at our means...we struggling just for basics come on get it together...

Maybe that's what it is, I am just not motivated...it just seems like you have to give your first born child away JUST to get into the government...Corporate America isn't even an issue anymore, I mean if I get in I get in, if I don't I don't...non-profits and government will work for me for a career path...see I DO want a career path, something that I do day in and day out that I like to do, but its not the priority for me...when I leave work I want to leave work, I want to work 7-3 or 9-5 and let that be that...my GOD, my family, my friends, my life...I don't want it to be ALL about a career....

Random stuff that just came to mind

Man...why is it that folks ALWAYS have something to say about my closet...why do you even give a freak that I have clothes everywhere in MY closet...its not organized, its a mess, and then you want to go in there and look and say "its always like this" and it just so happens to look like that because I was going out of town for a week...how is it supposed to look...but I do need to have someone organize it for real for real, but will it stay organized???? man that reminds me, I will be living out of my suitecases for another week, I won't have time to unpack until this weekend...

Oh, I do have a 3 day weekend I get Friday off...YES! But I need to go and get my passport application in for our 1st of the year cruise...

Ok, so what was a I really talking about...oh yea, life, love, and career...
I am not where I would have like to have been at this point, romantically or career wise, not at all...it will get better though, hopefully...

I want to be in love, that for real lifetime unconditional love though...I want to give unconditionally and receive unconditionally...true love...
I want to be married and I want to be a wife and mother...I really do....

I don't know if I want to be that "career" woman anymore, other things are more important to me now....TRUST me I will always work but I don't know if corporate America is the best thing for me and my other goals in life

One of my mentors suggested that I become a teacher because I have a natural gift with young people and I love education, I love to learn....that's true...but man the money...but so what about the money...I have come to realise that unless I am making 6 figures which I may not ever make, then I can't afford what I really want anyways...so what difference does it make...and yes I say I can't afford I can't plan a future based on a double income when realistically its just me!
But I have learned that, that the material things don't make you happy...I can look just as fly with a $22 skirt on from Target as I can with a $220 dress on from BCBG...will I ever stop buying "high end" stuff? NO, HELL NO....BUT I have learned to shop better and still be ME and still be fly and still be in my budget...

Why is it that I decided to write this...I don't know I was just in a mood to get some things off of my chest, I guess I just needed to type...so many things have been just sitting inside of me for what the last week or so...so I just decided to let things out....

So what is the wrap up:

*I want true unconditional love, but I am not willing to settle for just any thing so that may mean that I am single for another couple of years...
*I understand that money doesn't move me like I thought it did...I would rather work and live comfortably than work just for a dollar...moreover
*I want to do something that I can be proud of something that makes a difference in someone's life...will that be teaching I don't know...but it will be something
positive that's for sure....
*I want to be a wife and mother more than being a "career" woman, that's the most important role to fulfill, to ME...
*I see that someone is always going to have something to say so just do you and be happy with you, cause if you aren't happy with yourself then what's the point...do you boo....
*Oh, most importantly, I get that life isn't always what you THINK or PLAN it to be, but it works out for the best in the long run, even if you can't see it at the time...so even if things that I "want" on this list do NOT come to pass...well it will be for the best then...

6 comments:

BrillD said...

What up t.c.? It's good to see someone
who knows what they want. You'll
get it soon enough.

I hope you weren't offended by my
last response to you. I noticed that
you steered clear of it. Anyways ,
that's just how I express myself. Take
care Sis.

T.C. said...

@brilld-hey I am sure I will get all that I NEED in life soon enough...I didn't mean to do that...I went back and responded it wasn't offensive at all, I feel nothing but love from you...
*wink*

j.a.c. said...

yeah t. i'm really with you on the last point. i had to learn that the hard way unfortunately. i had my entire life planned out. marriage, career, location, kids, etc. but i learned that that wasn't a big mistake. planning my future like that only set me up for disappointment. i struggled trying to get that plan out of my system. but now that i have no expectations, i find that life is a lot easier to live. so yeah...that was a great point that you listed. it sucks that we can't always have what we want but Jehovah knows the desires of our hearts and wants us to be happy. if it's in his will, we will have what we desire.

A woman on the move said...

Hey girl!
Glad youre back from your Vegas trip, hope you had a blast.

Reading your thoughts was very reflective I find myself asking the same questions and having those issues.

I sometimes wish I can fast forward to the good part and bypass this point in time. It seems to be the same repetitive cycle. But it’s amazing to look back a year later, and find yourself elevating more and more with each year that passes. (Unfortunately a lot of people can’t say the same).

You’re on the right track; you definitely have nothing to worry about…

R.M. said...

Hey Tiff. I know I don't always comment but I DO read you, JAC, & Mike's blog on a regular. I just ain't ready to keep up with my own like I thought I was...which is why I deleted it...LOL!!!

Ok, I know how you are. You have a good heart, goals, & intelligence. You will definetly get more than you could ever imagine. You have an idea of what you want but I am here to tell you that the blessings will come pouring in when you least expect them too.

Planning your future is never a good look. My mom told me that at a young age. Like JAC said, you set yourself up for disappointment when you "expect" certain things to happen in your life by a certain time. Life doesn't usually work that way. Setting goals for ourselves is something we should ALL do. If we don't meet a goal by the time we gave ourselves, we shouldn't beat ourself up about it. As long as we are on the track we should be on, we should be happy because we all will get there. Life is one big obstacle course & along the way, there will be bumps, road blocks, &/or detours that will temporarily or permanently take us off course.

I believe in you...your strength, your intelligence, your passion, your faith, your dedication, your overall sense of self at this moment & your time will come as well as the rest of us. You are not alone. Keep your head up Tiff.

You bought to BLOW UP...LOL!!!!

P.S. This blog was real EXTRA though. You know I had to say that...LOL!!!!

T.C. said...

@JAC-yea I learned that a long time ago you can't plan your life...I know that Jehovah God got me...but its just going through this phase its truly been a lesson in faith!

@awotm-(I had to shorten it) yea Im BACK! yeah its definitely all about growth that's for sure and I know that I am growing...thanks for the insights, I am blessed and I do have a firm foundation and it has a lot to do with the family & friends that I have around me...you are only as good as those who you surround yourself with...I am who I am because of each and every person they leave a little piece of the best of them with me and that helps me grow as a woman...

@RM-same as I just said above...thanks mama...I know I will be alright...just was on my heart and needed to get it out (release) so that I can relax & relate....and yeah I know it was EXTRA...LOL