Wednesday, September 20, 2006

From a Brother (BM) Listen up Sisters!

This is a statement from a gentleman on Black Voices. I feel that a lot of what he has to say is very true (even if it hurts):

Bottom line--if I sleep with a woman I don't know or care about SEX is NOT going to make me care. (I stopped doing that years ago) That kind of sex is like scratching an itch. Once a man scratches, he's through. He ain't sitting around thinking about that spot that itched or how good it felt scratching it. He's moving on with his life until that spot itches again and it don't matter which hand he scratches it with, just as long as he gets rid of the itch.

Too many women PRETEND they can handle a sexual fling, but wind up getting caught up and wanting us to romance and wine and dine them and pretend we're having a "relationship" when it's NOTHING but a booty call. Come on, ladies, y'all know I'm telling the truth.

Unfortunately, ladies, you are part of our problem. You sleep with us BEFORE you know us or what we're about. Having sex with a man does not automatically make that a "relationship". Many women will deny they think like this but I'm speaking from personal experience. Also, ladies know when their men are fooling around and still turn a blind eye by getting mad at the other woman. Now, what kind of sense does that make? Why should that woman make YOU (a total stranger) a priority in her life? IF HE DID NOT MARRY YOU HE IS STILL SINGLE. The "other woman" is not breaking up a "happy home".

Many women marry men who were cheating BEFORE they walked down the aisle and then are SHOCKED that a fancy wedding dress or an expensive walk down the aisle didn't change who he was. Why should he change? YOU let him know it was acceptable by sticking around that long.

Ladies, start living with your eyes OPEN. Most shady men give themselves away one way or another, usually before the first 30 days. Women have to stop "rewarding" unfaithful men by pretending it ain't happening. All of us Black Men (BM) do not cheat. I do not cheat on my lady so don't buy the hype. I know other BM who do not but many men WILL cheat if there are NO real penalties for it.

Stop jumping into bed with brothers YOU DON'T KNOW. That means fewer opportunities for men to cheat. Women have to STOP being so afraid to ask the important questions that would reveal his TRUE lifestyle. Worry LESS about what kind of job he has and what kind of car he drives and encourage him to talk about his past, particularly his past with women. OPEN those ears and listen. Does he put down his ex-women and blame them for everything? And don't be so vain. You are NOT a better woman than his last. If he dogged her out, you will probably be NEXT.

Observe him when you are with him. Do you have his home number? Work number? Have you seen where he lives? Where he works? Is he secretive? Did you ask if he's married or engaged? How does he treat other people? Listen to what he says, NOT what you want to hear. Stop INTERPRETING the meaning of what he says to fit your purposes. If he says, "I'm not lookin' for nothing right now" -- DON'T tell yourself, "Aw, he just scared of getting hurt. I can change his mind.." NO YOU CAN'T. He said exactly what the hell he meant. BM don't have to lie when so many BW are already DEAF.

If you can't answer BASIC questions about a man DON'T OPEN YOUR LEGS. I could kinda understand back in the days when sex wouldn't KILL people but now? there's no excuse and if a BW takes that huge risk of sleeping with a STRANGER then she better protect herself -- sexually AND emotionally.

Show our ___ to the door if we pressure you for sex too soon. Don't be afraid to be alone. After you give our ____ some you will probably be alone anyway but now you feel like a fool. In other words, take your time and check us out. if we REALLY like you, we'll stick around. BUT if you decided to sleep with a man you hardly know, PROTECT yourself and keep your expectations to ZERO. We do not owe you a relationship or another date just because you had sex with us. That's not how it works, baby.

I have TOO many female friends who give me horror stories that could have been avoided if they'd done their homework first OR moved SLOWER before giving up the panties. I try as a BM to give them the best advice I can but that won't mean a _____ thing if BW continue to live in a dream world. You are TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE for your own sexual behavior the same as I am. Blaming the man won't change a ____ thing. BW have to look in the mirror and take SOME of the blame for what's wrong with BM/BW relationships. Let me end by saying....








BW are going to have to raise their standards if they expect BM to do it. The question is, are my beautiful BW up to the challenge? Are you willing to be strong and stop taking the easy way out? Ladies, ladies, ladies, hit me back with some truth, not some _______. I don't want to hear: "What you said don't refer to me 'cause I got my _____ together and I'm a proud black woman who intimidates men and I never made no mistakes, it's those other women who do things like that."

No, no, no! I don't want to hear you putting yourself on a pedestal because I KNOW you've made mistakes. I want you to hit me back with some TRUTH. What are BW going to do about these shady, shaky relationships that wind up in divorce court 60-70%% of the time, that's if we bother getting married at all? What are BW going to do DIFFERENT to make this ______better? Hit me back, ladies.


So what you guys and gals think? Hit me back and let me know what your thoughts are on this one


G. Mo said...

I could speak for days on this one, but pretty much everything he's saying is on point. I'm not gonna play the holier than thou role and act as if I didn't use to prey on women who were weak. However, when I used to mess around, I was straight up about the situation. I honestly think that's even scarier. Those questions were asked by women, but I didn't have to lie about anything. I let them know that they weren't my main girl, but I'd give them some time and 'other things' when I could. It didn’t matter if they were single, married or in a relationship. The majority accepted the sharing proposition for a variety of different reasons.

I'm not saying this to build myself up or anything. Hell, I was the one with low self esteem and lack of respect for myself in conducting my life in that fashion. My issues came from a bad divorce where I was cheated on after being completely faithful to my wife. I found 'happiness' in using sex as an outlet. I took my frustrations out on women who didn't care enough to respect themselves by not partaking in shared ‘goods’. Seriously though, it's amazing how much spotlight is put on the man playing games. Women are out there just as much, if not more. Both sexes are perpetrators as well as victims when it comes to this. It's a game that never ends. When people get hurt, they turn around and try to hurt someone else. It’s just a bad cycle.

I try to educate the women that are around me or in my life in some way. I’m a very open and honest person. I’m not perfect; I’ve made my share of mistakes. I use the past example of myself as a way to show them that you don’t have to settle for trifling men out here. You don’t have to deal with sharing a man that ‘belongs’ to another woman. Respect yourself enough in knowing that you are a treasure and that one day a man will treat you for the special person that you are.

j.a.c. said...

Nothing new over here. I feel like my dad ran down this very thing about 10 years ago. It shocked the mess out of me, but of course it would at the age of 13. It was very easy to understand from the jump though and it is because of my parents AND THE VILLAGE (shout out to Dane) that I have the knowledge that I have. I have to thank Jehovah for such a wonderful up-bringing.

My heart goes out to BW who miss this point.

T.C. said...

@gm-thanks for being honest brother...I esp. like the fact that you bring out that you didn't have self love or respect and that's why you were conducting your life in such a way...I think that is why both men and women conduct themselves in such a way because of lack of respect for self...

@JAC-like your Dad, my father broke it DOWN for me...raw and in your face...and my Village also helped...

I think its just understanding and appreciating who you are and making sure that the person on the other end does the same...we are all tresures...we just have to realize it...and no one, man nor woman can be don't settle...that's the key don't settle...if you carry yourself to be respected and accept nothing less than you won't have to

A woman on the move said...

Nothing but the truth!

So when do we stop pretending like we don't know this?

Thanks for love!!!!

BrillD said...

What up t.c.? The brotha is right.
Too many Black women are afraid to
be alone.

T.C. said...

@awotm-I don't know when we will stop pretending...its so much pressure than you got your harmones going, I have no idea...but all it takes is for one of us to "get it" and stick with it...the power of peer pressure...positive peer pressure...

@brilld-I know that I am finally ok with being alone, TRUST me its hard out here...but I would rather me alone than to settle for the BS!

JoJo D. said...

You know who ELSE needs to know this: OTHER BLACK MEN! Black men need to be told this, too, so they can stop playing games.

Robert L. Mack said...

To play devil's advocate here, some ladies like it as "just whatever it is"...if its just sex, then it is...

That being said, this writer hit on some excellent point....I just feel that it works both ways...

Kep said...

Yep, the man spoke truth. Raw, and uncut. It's the kind of advice you get tired of retelling. It's interesting though to consider other back stories for the males. One of my brothers is going through something right now, kind of a moral relapse, and just a year ago he wasn't that type of dude.

He's still essentially a good guy, but he's definitely struggling. I think it's important for ladies to realize a dude's good side, but to also be realisitic. Just because he doesn't want to hurt you, doesn't mean he won't.

That's what ended a potential relationship for me. Great girl, who's probably making her current boyfriend very happy. Problem was, during the period that we were talking she had some struggles with being used to being sexually active. She slipped up because "she was just horny." It's not who she is, but she was at a weak point in her life.

My point is for ladies to stop being there at those weak points waiting for the boy to grow up. Let him go through what he goes through, and then holla at him. He may or may not change, but if he doesn't at least you had a chance to see it. You're not going to in a relationship.


T.C. said...

Preach Kep!!
Now that's some real talk!

tjeanise said...

Nothing but the TRUTH!!!!!

MSKAY said...

I really think this is SHAME; when you first read it, yeah, you say “that is sooo true because there are women that let their man get away with a lot” and “there are women who turn a blind eye and perpetuate the fraud” and of course our brothers are saying, "that's right, they let us do it, they should stop the cylce" but lets not just superficially glance at what he's saying but listen to what is implied/said: Is it up to a BW to get a nation of BM in check? If so that’s not only sad but disappointing to think we don't have strong BM as much as it is disgusting. BM can’t respect a woman enough to educate our weak sisters to say, “you should think more of yourself than that”. Every action causes a reaction. If an abused child grew up to date men that mistreated her, is it still her fault? Or is it the man taking advantage or is it everyone failing each other?
To think because some women allow their men to do whatever gives men the O.K. is DISGUSTING. That’s basically what he’s preaching. For those he’s trying to wake up, they won’t listen because he’s saying, “it’s your fault" get a grip, there's enough fault and shame to pass around yet he's telling BW to get it together for the cycle to stop without expressing any shared fault on our brothers that should treat us as QUEENS—it’s deeper than him putting his experience of how he may have done sisters in the past.

Now, what's real? Whether man or woman; when a person meets someone, you get a sense of how easy, na├»ve and immature a person is. Unless you are meeting a person and before you have a chance to say "HI" your immediately f___ing; then I could agree more with what he's preaching. Reality, unless your in a porn video, that pretty much is not the norm. Why? Well, because the majority of the time you get a chance to observe a person, talk to a person and inquire. People prejudge by the way a person dresses, carry themselves and conversate. And for those that do keep some respect, instead of it being appreciated it’s looked at like a challenge, the more unreachable a person seems, the more you'll try to "snag" that person until you get what you want. So in knowing that's the "norm", who should be "controlling" who?
Ask yourself, would GOD accept that as truth? Does a man have no moral responsibility at all? Does he have no appreciation for his sisters that when he sees a weak one, it’s all about what they allow? Is it not easy to say, we’ll, they allow it? ALL MEN (MANKIND not men in general) will use people and it will ALWAYS be the other person’s fault--there's the imperfections of our sins.

From experience, I’ve hurt a lot of people by having the same attitude as a dude, “it’s not my fault, I told him the deal in the beginning”. So should he have taking it for what it was or should I have walked away knowing a person wanted or expected more. Just like there are foolish women, there are just as many foolish men! If you know someone’s vulnerable, is it OK to take advantage? If a man meets a woman who wants to spread their legs so quickly, where are his standards, his morals, his values? Is it based on if a BW will stop him? The BLACK nation needs to get it together as a whole. This attitude that's projected goes deeper than our experiences. As a Strong BW who respects her real BM, I probably would have appreciated it more if he was talking to the nation as a whole and not addressing the woman by saying, “You sleep with us BEFORE you know us or what we're about“ Is the BM not doing the same thing? Is it all on the BW? Is it OK for the male to have a lower standard? I would have appreciated it more if he didn’t refer WE (BW) need to penalize BM. What about us respecting, loving & CHERISHING ourselves and our worth? If we did that, then BM would show more respect. If there was mutual respect between the sexes do you think we would be where we are today? Do you think there would even be a need for his email or for women saying, AMEN!” and brothers saying, "that's so true!" EVERY person should be hurt in thinking our MEN have changed! (i.e., let us all show brotherly/sisterly love for one another and MAYBE, just maybe we’ll be able to have the respect to not use another human being or mistreat them). MAYBE if women respected one another a little better, we wouldn’t make the mistake of “making excuses” to be with a married man or be with a man who's in an existing relationship. Maybe if we all went "back to basics" in teaching a woman's worth and a BM respecting that worth, we wouldn't need these types of emails. And maybe, if our brothers & sisters fall short, lets come together and PRAY we learn! from our mistakes and embarrassment caused to ourselves and the ones we love. When it comes to ignoring signs & manipulating situations, we’re all at fault, it’s 50/50.

Now I leave you with…..

There was a time when a BM wouldn’t dare call his queen a B@#$%. There was RESPECT!
There was a time when women weren’t put in classes of hoes, sluts and b%^&*(@’s and treated as we didn't deserve the repect. There was RESPECT!
There was a time when a man wouldn’t defile a woman; yet he would honor her with marriage and love. There was RESPECT!
There was a time when a woman wouldn’t dare put her BM down as if they were nothing. Yet she would cherish and honor him and help him through as his backbone. There was RESPECT!
There was a time when a woman would be proud to support, honor and respect her man. There was RESPECT!
There was a time when women wouldn’t think of defiling their bodies to get or keep a man. There was RESPECT!
There was a time…..that hasn’t existed in centuries. As a nation, we've failed and LOST RESPECT!
To stop the cycle, we (male/female) both have to support the idea, that things need to change. Attitudes should change, respect should re-enter, families should be closer, and neighbors should come together to protect the children, etc… Because, even if by a miracle in this free, selfish world every BW said NO and maintained, there’s 100 other races BM would run to instead of respecting the fact WE choose NOT to defile our bodies anymore. Know you're history, there's a reason why BM went to WM and the saga continues today! BW felt they had to compete to keep their BM, that's where it started to deteriorate.

I RESPECT what he was trying to convey because women should have a better respect for themselves & other women & those that fall short should face facts of why they do what they do & receive support from her sisters….but, as long as the world is like it is, I won’t see it in my lifetime; only thing a person can hope for is that we all take "one step at a time" to get back to being that STRONG BLACK NATION.


Crammaster, these are my thoughts and what I think......what do the rest of you think?

Cherie_Divine said...

Thank you MsKay! I was afraid I was going to be the only one that had some issues with it. I actually received crammasters letter in email and I looked it up to see how people responded to it. I was surprised that so many people took it for what it was. There is truth in it; however was it because they have been that woman that he was speaking of? I don’t think I need to say more… you hit the nail on the head!

Boaz said...

God bless y'all!

There is always two sides to every story, it is good to keep this in mind when we have to deal with situations like this.

MsKay, crammasters, I thank you both. I really and truly believe that you (both) covered what needed to be said and read.

And I think the underlining principle is; we need to put away this foolishness (get rich or die trying) and all this competition for amongst ourselves (BM/BW). We need to stop murdering each other, not just physically but emotionally, and trying to out perform our brothers and sisters. We really, really, need to get back to being A STRONG BLACK NATION.

We are the laughing stock of the world at the moment. This is a little of track but I think it is still relevant. I've been stopped by a police car before. There was one black officer, and one white officer. (I work for social services so I've learnt a bit on reading people). The white officer wanted to go, and leave me be. The black officer... I ain't gotta say no more.

We're the ones killing ouselves.
We're the ones disrespecting ouselves.
We're the ones standing in our brother's and sister's way to peace and victory.
We're the ones pulling each other down.
(and trippling the price when we see one of our own)

We need to stop thinking as individuals and start thinking as a nation or even extended family.

The truth is, if we thought that way then, yes, there would be no need for this post and none of these messages would exist.

I said to my wife today, "We as black people have failed ouselves by not training and teaching the next generation". The women of the house no longer get the other women (aunts, grandmothers) who are WISE, and talk about useful things to effectively build a people that is founded on a family. They talk about how this guy did this and that guy did that. Then they give cheers and go out with an attitude to confront the situation. Guys get together and talk about who they want to 'do', cars, and other things that are irrelevant. The young boy/girl grows up without knowing their worth, their place in society, or their role in the house. Yes, ROLE. Men and women are different and have different roles, and supporting each other (not over taking it) in their roles is part of it.

When are we going to grow up and mature to see that there is a lot more to life than sex, money, drugs, cars, booze, and fashion.

Get your mind out of the 'rat race' mentality and grow up. Help/encourage your brother and sister. It is a lot less stressful than trying to stop them. When you are holding them back, you are not going anywhere either.

One love y'all! One love.

Miss Kena said...

I am a black woman and I totally agree with everything that was said. Even though all of these things may not apply to me, there are some that hit the nail right on the head.

But I'm sad to say that many BW will do exactly as he stated in the end. They will believe that it doesn't apply to them. Some of us are in complete denial about our part in ruining relationships with our men, as well as our contribution to the way they treat us. A man can only do what you allow him to do. We helped create this monster so it is also up to us to help change the BM back to what they should be and what some still are. Don't settle for Mr. Right now if he truly doesn't possess the qualities that you're looking for. As for the ladies prostituting themselves, I know several women who fit in this category, money will not buy you happiness. Many men feel that if you depend on them financially they can control you, so is that what you really want? I sure hope not.