Too much, too little time...how do I tell you this

So I have a secret, a secret that I have been contemplating over whether or not I was going to share with this blog or if I was going to keep it inside. I don't know sometimes you just go through things and you understand that you have to get it out...especially when stuff if extremely personal in nature.
You know we (I) can talk about any and everything on this thing, love, politics, racism, relationships, education, kids, death, giving back to the community, headlines in your local newspaper...you know all of that stuff...surface type of stuff...but when it comes to revealing something extremely personal about me, am I really brave enough to let the world know? I don't know if I am...but I have to get this off of my chest...so much to say, so little time to say it...

Disclaimer: this is really going on in my life currently. Fellas it may be a bit much for you to take in. Ladies pay attention.

Well here it is
Ok so this has to do with my health...yes my personal health.
Again I keep going back and forth about posting this but the thing is women need to be made aware of these things.

And it has to deal with this:


So over the last week or so I have been experiencing some serve abdominal pain and decided that I needed to go to my gynecologist to have things checked out. We should NEVER ignore any type of pain that has to deal with our bodies ladies and gentleman. So upon my trip to the doctor's the other day, Monday, the doctor finished with this look of concern, which is never any good. Then you know when they call you into their office that is NEVER a good thing...he wanted me to have a sonogram done so that he could determine if I had a cyst or not.
So all kinds of things begin to go through my head.

WHAT? What do you mean a cyst? What does that mean? Will that affect me having kids? Will you have to take EVERYTHING out? What is really going on?

As he is talking I am trying my best to stay calm, to stay focused on what is being said. The lady that does the sonogram had already left for the day so that meant that I would have to wait until the next day...again in my mind...

What? So now I have to wait an entire 24 hours before you can tell me anything? That doesn't make sense? Ok whatever...I mean I guess I have no choice

So I leave the note for the lady and hope and pray that she calls me and let's me know I can come in at the end of the day...which yesterday morning she does do. So I prepare myself. First things first, I need to tell my supervisor and HR, because if it is a cyst with the history of cancer and reproductive problems that I have in my family, this thing MUST come out. So I go in and tell this MAN what the deal is, he tells me not to worry take as much time as I need that he has my back...just tell HR so that there isn't an issue. But he will hold me down. (Man, that's why I love my job, my supervisor is the BOMB...he is getting married so I will have to hook him up fo real...) I go and tell HR she is like just keep her posted...so I get off work and go for the sonogram.

Now this doctor's office is really nice in downtown DC near GW right on K Street...I walk in they know me off the break the girl is like "Hi ...." I always feel like even though they don't say it the people in the office know what's going on with you...which in my case today is a good thing because they are going out of their way to make me feel comfortable you know not so nervous. The sonogram tech says she will be right with me and she is.

I lay on the table deal with the internal sono and look at ME the inside of me. She is explaining it all, but I can't see anything really on that black and white screen it looks like a gray blur to me...but I can feel the pain though...I can feel it...so she shows me what they were looking for, what the doctor was afraid of....

I have currently two cysts, one on each ovary. The one that is on my right ovary is what is called a "clear" cyst, meaning it is the type of cyst that is very common and most women get monthly from their ovulation period. I am like many woman who can actually feel my ovulation. So it wasn't a surprise to see this. But the one on the left ovary isn't...its a for real cyst, there are many kinds but mines in particular can be one of three kinds (I can't remember what she said) that is NOT related to ovulation.


an ovarian cyst that is sitting right on top of my left ovary. Its about 3 cm about an inch and a 1/2. Hurts like hell and is going to HAVE to come out! The good thing is that it will come out via laparoscopy. This type of surgery is done with a lighted instrument called a laparoscope that's like a slender telescope. So there won't be a BIG scar or anything just a little thing.

So this time next month I will be out for the count. I decided to wait a month until after my next cycle to wait until have the procedure done. One I want to see if there is any change and two to see what happens with the other one. The doctor and I both agree that it has to come out and that if I can't deal with the pain that it will come out sooner...but then there is also the fact that I have to deal with fatigue and nausea which is often times side affects of a cyst. But yet another reason that you HAVE to go to the doctors if your body is off...because I have a lot of hormonal symptoms like I am pregnant, but I KNEW that was NOT IT, I ain't done/doing NOTHING to be, but what IF you are sexually active it could throw you completely off, feel me...so that's another issue if I can deal with this for the next month or so.

So why share this? Like I said before it was hard to determine or decide if I should share this or not. But ovarian cysts is extremely common in women and a lot of time ovarian cancer goes undetected, oh yeah they want to take it out to ensure that its NOT cancerous even though from the blood work and sonogram it doesn't seem to be because my CA-125 protein was pretty normal, that is the test that ALL women should ask for when they go to the doctors to detect for if they have signs of cancer.) That in there is why I decided to write this.

Ladies, make sure that you go to the doctors annually. I honestly believe in going every six months. I just think a year is to much time in between visits, especially if you are sexually active, have a history of health issues, or has a family history of health issues.

Make sure that you are getting a clear pap to check for cancerous cells on your cervix, get the CA-125 Test to check for ovarian cancer, make sure you are tested for ALL STDs and HIV, and ask that you are tested for the breast cancer trait if you have a history of it in your family.

It was really hard to share this but I think that if I can just reach one person and let them know that its alright, we all have our struggles we all have something to learn from this...maybe you have never heard of the CA-125 test or the test for your breast cancer trait. Make sure you have a doctor that you trust and who will put your health FIRST!

Brothers encourage the women in your life to pay attention to their bodies, and please pay attention to your bodies as well. Prostate cancer and colon cancer is extremely serious....make sure that you are tested as well, annually.

In love
TC

20 Years Old....

So Janet's album drops TODAY...so make sure that you go out and get that!

I recently saw her new video and I can honestly say this could have been her first single...I also heard that she was on Oprah yesterday doing it something CRAZY! Doing dance moves from the 80s with a 2006 spin (I took that from either Jes or JAC...)

I mean let's be honest if you are a female pop star today (Beyonce, Christina, Brittany, Mya, Ciara...) you get your stuff from Janet...PERIOD!
I love little Ciara but her most recent video is Rhythm Nation
That little girl Cassie video is the Pleasure Principle
Be!s performance at the VMAs straight Janet stuff from the IF video...

Janet is where its at...at 40 years old she looks better than half the folks my age, including ME...let's just keep it real

So check out the new video, go get the album and have a wonderful Tuesday


Oh by the way I know I need to put some other stuff up here other than music but right now music is what is getting me through some things so that's my vibe for the moment...I can feel some deep stuff coming just hold on...

The Jump off...

Man this right here was the jump off fo real....

From a Brother (BM) Listen up Sisters!

This is a statement from a gentleman on Black Voices. I feel that a lot of what he has to say is very true (even if it hurts):

Bottom line--if I sleep with a woman I don't know or care about SEX is NOT going to make me care. (I stopped doing that years ago) That kind of sex is like scratching an itch. Once a man scratches, he's through. He ain't sitting around thinking about that spot that itched or how good it felt scratching it. He's moving on with his life until that spot itches again and it don't matter which hand he scratches it with, just as long as he gets rid of the itch.

Too many women PRETEND they can handle a sexual fling, but wind up getting caught up and wanting us to romance and wine and dine them and pretend we're having a "relationship" when it's NOTHING but a booty call. Come on, ladies, y'all know I'm telling the truth.

Unfortunately, ladies, you are part of our problem. You sleep with us BEFORE you know us or what we're about. Having sex with a man does not automatically make that a "relationship". Many women will deny they think like this but I'm speaking from personal experience. Also, ladies know when their men are fooling around and still turn a blind eye by getting mad at the other woman. Now, what kind of sense does that make? Why should that woman make YOU (a total stranger) a priority in her life? IF HE DID NOT MARRY YOU HE IS STILL SINGLE. The "other woman" is not breaking up a "happy home".

Many women marry men who were cheating BEFORE they walked down the aisle and then are SHOCKED that a fancy wedding dress or an expensive walk down the aisle didn't change who he was. Why should he change? YOU let him know it was acceptable by sticking around that long.

Ladies, start living with your eyes OPEN. Most shady men give themselves away one way or another, usually before the first 30 days. Women have to stop "rewarding" unfaithful men by pretending it ain't happening. All of us Black Men (BM) do not cheat. I do not cheat on my lady so don't buy the hype. I know other BM who do not but many men WILL cheat if there are NO real penalties for it.

Stop jumping into bed with brothers YOU DON'T KNOW. That means fewer opportunities for men to cheat. Women have to STOP being so afraid to ask the important questions that would reveal his TRUE lifestyle. Worry LESS about what kind of job he has and what kind of car he drives and encourage him to talk about his past, particularly his past with women. OPEN those ears and listen. Does he put down his ex-women and blame them for everything? And don't be so vain. You are NOT a better woman than his last. If he dogged her out, you will probably be NEXT.

Observe him when you are with him. Do you have his home number? Work number? Have you seen where he lives? Where he works? Is he secretive? Did you ask if he's married or engaged? How does he treat other people? Listen to what he says, NOT what you want to hear. Stop INTERPRETING the meaning of what he says to fit your purposes. If he says, "I'm not lookin' for nothing right now" -- DON'T tell yourself, "Aw, he just scared of getting hurt. I can change his mind.." NO YOU CAN'T. He said exactly what the hell he meant. BM don't have to lie when so many BW are already DEAF.

If you can't answer BASIC questions about a man DON'T OPEN YOUR LEGS. I could kinda understand back in the days when sex wouldn't KILL people but now? there's no excuse and if a BW takes that huge risk of sleeping with a STRANGER then she better protect herself -- sexually AND emotionally.

Show our ___ to the door if we pressure you for sex too soon. Don't be afraid to be alone. After you give our ____ some you will probably be alone anyway but now you feel like a fool. In other words, take your time and check us out. if we REALLY like you, we'll stick around. BUT if you decided to sleep with a man you hardly know, PROTECT yourself and keep your expectations to ZERO. We do not owe you a relationship or another date just because you had sex with us. That's not how it works, baby.

I have TOO many female friends who give me horror stories that could have been avoided if they'd done their homework first OR moved SLOWER before giving up the panties. I try as a BM to give them the best advice I can but that won't mean a _____ thing if BW continue to live in a dream world. You are TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE for your own sexual behavior the same as I am. Blaming the man won't change a ____ thing. BW have to look in the mirror and take SOME of the blame for what's wrong with BM/BW relationships. Let me end by saying....

SEX DOES NOT = A RELATIONSHIP

GIVING A MAN A READY-MADE FAMILY WILL NOT MAKE HIM COMMIT IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO

A MAN WILL NOT RESPECT A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT RESPECT HERSELF OR HER BODY

IF YOU TRADE SEX FOR MATERIAL THINGS YOU ARE PROSTITUTING YOURSELF

IF HE DOESN'T TAKE CARE OF HIS OTHER CHILDREN WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A BABY WITH HIM?

IF YOU REWARD A DOG WHY SHOULD MEN STOP BEING DOGS?

BRING MORE TO THE TABLE THAN YOUR BODY. NO YOUR ______ IS NOT MADE OF GOLD. IT IS ONLY AS GOOD AS I THINK IT IS. BELIEVE THAT.

BW are going to have to raise their standards if they expect BM to do it. The question is, are my beautiful BW up to the challenge? Are you willing to be strong and stop taking the easy way out? Ladies, ladies, ladies, hit me back with some truth, not some _______. I don't want to hear: "What you said don't refer to me 'cause I got my _____ together and I'm a proud black woman who intimidates men and I never made no mistakes, it's those other women who do things like that."

No, no, no! I don't want to hear you putting yourself on a pedestal because I KNOW you've made mistakes. I want you to hit me back with some TRUTH. What are BW going to do about these shady, shaky relationships that wind up in divorce court 60-70%% of the time, that's if we bother getting married at all? What are BW going to do DIFFERENT to make this ______better? Hit me back, ladies.

peace,
crammasters

So what you guys and gals think? Hit me back and let me know what your thoughts are on this one

HIP HOP IS ALIVE

Yesterday, September 19, 2006, Hip Hop, real hip hop, story telling, beats, purpose and true word mastery was brought back to life with the introduction of Lupe Fiasco to the world!

Note there would have been a picture of him right here...but freaking blogger wouldn't put it up for some reason...

I very rarely sit and listen to a CD, any CD, in one sitting...but last night I couldn't help but put in the "Food and Liquor" CD as soon as I got home from the purchase and let the entire CD rock from beginning to end...Loving every single track on the album...Kick, Push was only a mere introduction to the world of this man's lyrical skills...

I am truly loving this disc and I really encourage any one who hasn't already gone to cop this album to do so IMMEDIATELY...not now, but RIGHT NOW!

Well hopefully you will get it...here is a little inside on the man from the man:

Somebody please go and find this man

So whatever happened to him, I mean really. I have come to realize just how much I miss him. His voice, his skin, his eyes...his touch to my soul when he begins to let me know how he feels about me. I mean just everything about this man...I just miss him! I can't say it any other way. I mean for everything he has done for me, I can't understand why he changed, I can't understand why he would want to leave me. Now, I must honestly admit that this was not my first love, he really wasn't that belongs to another man, (that can be talked about at another time at another place) but for now I want to talk about this man that just came into my life and left me, without a word, without so much as a glance, letter, notice, NOTHING!

Why Mike, why did you leave me...




Ok, yes I am talking about Michael Jackson...
YES THE Michael Jackson...not the one that we know now, but the real Mike...the one that sat on the front of his "Thriller" cover with a white suite on with a half wet jerry curl holding a baby tiger...

Where did you go Mike? What happened to the thug who asked "why you want to be startin something?" What happened to the man who told Bellie Jean that he wasn't the baby's daddy? (that was because you was in love with me...come on Mike...)What happened to things just being human nature? What happened to PYT, you looking for Me? What happened to me being the lady of your life? What happened I just don't understand...
Oh how I miss you...please come back, please!

I want to love you pretty young thang...you are the lady of my life...don't you go no where....always my lady...all through the night...all over all over all over...lay back with me, let me love you girl....


How could you Mike, how could you love me so and just leave me...how could you....

somebody call Claude and go and find him Please....Please....Please
*tear*

If I ruled the world

There would be no homelessness or poverty
Everyone would have access to healthcare and an education FREE
There would be peace and respect for all people...
Every child would be raised in a loving enviroment
We would truly live by the Absolute Truth...

But....if I ruled the world...
I would ROCK stuff like this EVERY DAY Of My Life....



YES my hair would be cut like this (and FYI...if I wasn't in this phase of growing my hair out OR if I worked for myself, YES my hair would have been cut like this a long time ago...)

If only I could rule the world

Ok so what now....

So I am back from Vegas, sitting at work, really only here in body and not at all in mind...I mean I just have a lot to think about.
Like really what is it that I want out of life

What do I want out of life?

I had this image of being this strong corporate career woman, making the money, driving the Range, living in my own house and doing my thing, and then by now I would be engaged, about to get married and have the house in the DC burbs with 2.5 kids and a dog...

Money and not being lower middle class was the thing for me, my ticket out was my education, and with my degrees I would be sitting pretty right now...well that's not at all what life is really for me. I am struggling day to day just to keep the basic bills paid and get the necessities...I mean its a good lesson for me to learn because I have learned to budget, learned that I was shopping to fill a missing void within myself and learned that I am strong, I learned how to love myself and just be happy with just me (that's an ongoing process but I am in a good place with me not needing validation, just accepting me as the young woman that I am) learned that I can live alone, I can be alone....but now what?

What is my next move?

Do I want to be in another relationship? I mean there is something about being in love, and I really and truly want to be in love, but I am not in love with the idea of being in love and willing to settle...I see no point in settling...so maybe I will just remain single, why not? But man it's like going on year 3 at this point, being single and dating (oh and by the way I HATE dating, I hate that six month period of getting to know someone ONLY to find out that who you thought you were getting to know is NOT who the person really is...)...no its not 3, more like almost 2...geeze T stop being dramatic

That's another good thing, I am not as emotionally dramatic as I used to be...don't get me wrong I am still EXTRA with the best of them, loud, funny, all of that, but I don't let little stuff get to me AS MUCH as it used to...I can see how that was a part in my downfall of my relationship...

Why is it that I want to always talk, I always want to talk, but not just about us, about everything, I am one of those type of people that wants to know EVERYTHING, all of your hopes, fears, dreams, all of that...how was you day? What did you do? Maybe that's the downfall that I need to work on...I want someone to want to WANT to know those things too...The balancing act is learning when to let it ride and when to ask...

Stop tripping off of the small stuff...He didn't call me right back, so should I have a heart attack because of that...just explain if you aren't going to call RIGHT BACK then don't say that...just say I will call you back...but dag on is that petty...I don't know...

Do I want to work for the government? Man that's a long application to fill out, but my epxerience and educational background it would be a perfect fit, PLUS the fact that I live in DC...Duh...I mean I can start that process while I have a good job and can be here for another year or so....I don't know what to do about that...

Then there is the Project Management Certificate course, have I even started that yet, NO, have a began to pay for it YES, do I have my books for my first course YES...have I started anything, again, NO....man what's with me...get with it T, get it over with...get that certification, another thing to add to the resume so we can at least get this money to live at our means...we struggling just for basics come on get it together...

Maybe that's what it is, I am just not motivated...it just seems like you have to give your first born child away JUST to get into the government...Corporate America isn't even an issue anymore, I mean if I get in I get in, if I don't I don't...non-profits and government will work for me for a career path...see I DO want a career path, something that I do day in and day out that I like to do, but its not the priority for me...when I leave work I want to leave work, I want to work 7-3 or 9-5 and let that be that...my GOD, my family, my friends, my life...I don't want it to be ALL about a career....

Random stuff that just came to mind

Man...why is it that folks ALWAYS have something to say about my closet...why do you even give a freak that I have clothes everywhere in MY closet...its not organized, its a mess, and then you want to go in there and look and say "its always like this" and it just so happens to look like that because I was going out of town for a week...how is it supposed to look...but I do need to have someone organize it for real for real, but will it stay organized???? man that reminds me, I will be living out of my suitecases for another week, I won't have time to unpack until this weekend...

Oh, I do have a 3 day weekend I get Friday off...YES! But I need to go and get my passport application in for our 1st of the year cruise...

Ok, so what was a I really talking about...oh yea, life, love, and career...
I am not where I would have like to have been at this point, romantically or career wise, not at all...it will get better though, hopefully...

I want to be in love, that for real lifetime unconditional love though...I want to give unconditionally and receive unconditionally...true love...
I want to be married and I want to be a wife and mother...I really do....

I don't know if I want to be that "career" woman anymore, other things are more important to me now....TRUST me I will always work but I don't know if corporate America is the best thing for me and my other goals in life

One of my mentors suggested that I become a teacher because I have a natural gift with young people and I love education, I love to learn....that's true...but man the money...but so what about the money...I have come to realise that unless I am making 6 figures which I may not ever make, then I can't afford what I really want anyways...so what difference does it make...and yes I say I can't afford I can't plan a future based on a double income when realistically its just me!
But I have learned that, that the material things don't make you happy...I can look just as fly with a $22 skirt on from Target as I can with a $220 dress on from BCBG...will I ever stop buying "high end" stuff? NO, HELL NO....BUT I have learned to shop better and still be ME and still be fly and still be in my budget...

Why is it that I decided to write this...I don't know I was just in a mood to get some things off of my chest, I guess I just needed to type...so many things have been just sitting inside of me for what the last week or so...so I just decided to let things out....

So what is the wrap up:

*I want true unconditional love, but I am not willing to settle for just any thing so that may mean that I am single for another couple of years...
*I understand that money doesn't move me like I thought it did...I would rather work and live comfortably than work just for a dollar...moreover
*I want to do something that I can be proud of something that makes a difference in someone's life...will that be teaching I don't know...but it will be something
positive that's for sure....
*I want to be a wife and mother more than being a "career" woman, that's the most important role to fulfill, to ME...
*I see that someone is always going to have something to say so just do you and be happy with you, cause if you aren't happy with yourself then what's the point...do you boo....
*Oh, most importantly, I get that life isn't always what you THINK or PLAN it to be, but it works out for the best in the long run, even if you can't see it at the time...so even if things that I "want" on this list do NOT come to pass...well it will be for the best then...

Cause I'm Back....

Yeah Its me...TC back in the Original Chocolate City...DC...

YES!

Ok ya'll I am still in Vegas right now, but THANK YOU GOD today is my last day here! I have about an hour and 45 minutes until I am done, so maybe I can actually get out and see a little of Vegas this evening...honestly I could care less...

I have been busting my butt so hard out here being the "new" gurl (homegurl at that) that I have had NO TIME to go out and do much, I have been in my room and in my bed EVERY NIGHT by 10pm...last night by 8:30pm...working 11-12 hour days doesn't really afford you much time to enjoy Vegas night life...especially when you are new on the job, you have to be "ON IT"

So anyways...I just needed to take a brief moment to blog something...wewwww OK now I can go back to work...been in a meeting all day and now was the only time I could get to this...

Man I missed the blogging world, I missed you guys, really...I have so much to say but I can't say it now...

Well I did take a couple of photos even of the LG Flat screens in my room and bathroom of my hotel...

I will holla at you all in EST...
Peace OUT @3:20pm PST

Im goin to Vegas...

Yea but its not like its for fun or nothing...
So tomorrow morning I will get up and go to BWI Airport to board a five hour straight flight into Vegas...My home will be the Harrah's for the next five days, as I bust my butt for my job.

So with that said I won't be on the Blog. I already feel a certain type of sadness as I write this. I mean I am going to miss out on five days worth of ideas, thoughts, rants, just random expression...I have several good/close friends who are on the blog and I have meet some cool folks that I look forward to reading about daily...

So you guys keep it going while I am out...

Signing off for a minute or two...but while I am gone, do me a favor...



Peace & blessings, stay positive, stay up!
T.C.

What the Hell?

So this morning I couldn't wait to get to work to blog because I am WHAT, HEATED! Why? Because I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of these crazy freaking people in the world, whom I do NOTHING to, but always seem to get the BS from...
So I am walking towards the Yellow line train this morning on my way to work...I have on a gray dress and a crop jean jacket...my hair is out, I am chilling...walking towards me, is a man, an older man, got to be in his forties of fifties...he says "Excuse me miss..." now mind you this man is some several feet in front of me walking towards me, so I am not paying him any attention, I am not thinking that he is even talking to me...then when he gets up on me, he says, "You ain't pretty and you need to lose weight"...
Now that I KNOW he said to me...what did I do to this man...I mean really...man, all I could do was throw my hands up in the air like WTH!

I am so sick of people, I mean sick and tired of people and their BS...normally I would let it roll of my back, but today for some reason I felt some type of way about that...I mean really I was upset, I am upset...and I know I should let people get to me like that, but DAMN, what the hell did I ever do you to you? I am so heated this makes no sense at all...

Life, people, UGGGGGGG...I am really starting to no like DC at all...what the hell I am one of the nicest and most down to earth sistahs you will ever meet...why me? I just needed to get that off my chest...crazy man...

Now this is what I am talking about....

I love this song! I love the way that it makes me feel when I listen to it....I love the fact that it puts a smile on my face!

Well I hope you enjoy...

Lorenzo Owens
Wanna See You Smile




So did you enjoy that?
Well here is another one...an oldie though...

Tyrese (man that boi can sang)
Lately

Its whatever

Man I got to go to Vegas for Five days...
I just got back last night from Atlanta...and now I have to leave and go to Vegas on Tuesday. I guess I should be excited, but the thought of being away for Five days working doesn't really excite me. Initially, I was supposed to leave Tuesday and come back Friday, but then someone left our job so now I have to stay until Sunday.

I am glad that I am going to Vegas though, I have never been before, so that's what's up!!!

I am so tired, but I am supposed to go to Adams Morgan Day Today...am I really going? I don't know. I haven't heard from my partner in crime on that trip so who knows. I am good just laying on my couch all day watching TV.
Why did I just have soup for breakfast? I don't know it was in the Fridge and why not...

That hotel we stayed in, in Atlanta was the WORSE! Tara's Inn & Suites...yeah right...that place looked like bugs was about to get us! Literally...we slept in our clothes....got up showered and hit it to the meeting...it was terrible, in fact when we checked in, which was late Friday night, the man behind the front desk had a gun, yes a GUN! I assumed that he was a police officer doing a part time job, but man....

I never had breakfast at the Golden Corral until yesterday...that was cool...it was the first someone from Atlanta was nice, so much for southen hospitality....

Anyways...this is the song that is in my head right now...
I love this man, and his use of the guitar...wonderful artist!

You can find me in the A? Stop playin...Fo Real Though

So I just got back from a quick business trip down in the good ole Atlanta GA...it was quite interesting because the cost of living down there is pretty decent and I could easily get me a teaching gig (something I have been thinking about my purpose in life, and if I am meant to teach, you know be with the kids, make a difference...) and get me a condo downtown for under $200K or buy an older house for like $115K...you know...the market is pretty much like the Baltimore market right now.

But man that's a HUGE step, to just jump out there and just go dolo...well I really wouldn't be dolo I have two line sisters down there, I just met another soror this weekend, and I have a homeboy down there too...JAC is talking about moving there and so is Jessi, so I mean I would have folks down there.

I would only be 4 hours from my grandmother, and eventually my parents when they move back to Alabama. But man, I have lived in DC all of my life, ALL of my life! I am really ready for such a move? Yeah its hella high here, but I mean this is all I know, this is what I know, all day long...there are still some things that I haven't done yet, like Adams Morgan Day (which is today), the Black Family Reunion, you know just stuff that is strictly DC and I haven't even gotten around to doing it. I know I could always come back to visit, but dag on...

Then there is Kiamsha, what's going to happen to Kiamsha? I don't see anyone who is going to step up and take my roll, not now, not any time soon...Kiamsha is a wonderful organization, and I know something would work out, but man I love them kids, what will I do with out them?

Its a lot to think about...a lot to ponder over...what ya'll think?

Gurl...oh no he didn't...

When I was in high school my older brother brought home a white girl and said that he was going to marry her...Now mind you he is 15 years my senior so it wasn't like he didn't know what he was doing, he was a full fledged grown 30 year old man. I wouldn't say that it was the easiest thing for him to do because my father can be a tough man to please (now mind you this is ALL the way around, but he is hard on those we chose to date, he is extremely protective) but he did it anyway...what did I care if she is white, black, yellow or purple, as long as he is happy...

(furthermore, we ain't but a shade or two removed from white folks, a fact that many people tend to want to remind me of constantly by you know commenting on how light I am or how dark I need to be or can be via a tan...anyways)

Back to the post.....

But the issue that I DID and DO have with my brother is the fact that he stopped dating black women specifically because of various stereotypes that HE placed on us, you know we got to much attitude, we aren't as nice as white women, we play to many games, we are too materialistic...the list can go on and on...

To this day he will not date a black woman...how do I know because I asked him, and we got into this heated debate about it...I didn't care that she was white I just wanted to know what happened to the sistah...and boy oh boy why did I ask...she did this and she did that...and he would NEVER go back...now, mind you he was head over heals in love with this woman, whom which my father told him she was up to no good but he choose not to listen, but anyways...he was going to marry her...then about 6 months later, she is gone and the new woman is in..it wouldn't have matter black or white, I still would have asked what happened to the other chick just because I am noisy...but that man went OFF you hear me...and told me straight up, I love you and my mother but you are the only black women I will ever love again, I will NEVER date another black woman I am DONE!
Now, I am sure that he loved his wife, their marriage lasted a few years, but it wasn't that he loved her because she was his soul mate, but rather because she was the opposite of what he had dated and experienced...she wasn't a Black Woman and that's all that mattered...that was the FIRST requirement...NO BLACK WOMEN ALLOWED!
MAN now that's deep...

I guess what sparked this debate was because Kepa decided to write a post about this very topic...it was an interesting read and I suggest that you take a moment to read it before you finish THIS so that you can understand my point of view...

To me, true love has no size, shape or color, it is what it is...me, For example, I am a thick light skinned African American young woman...who may just happen to fall in love with a Blue Black (that means black as night) African American young man that is as skinny as Tommy Davidson...and by the way he will probably end up being only about a 1/4 an inch taller than me!
Now picture that...but who cares as long as it unconditional love...
With that said, it doesn't matter if a black man dates a white woman, to me anyways, if that's whom he truly wants to be with...BUT if the brother is making a conscious effort to ONLY date white women because he thinks ALL sistahs are the devil on earth...NOW THAT I have a problem with...

Don't put me in a box and say we are more materialistic, don't make me out to be the woman that ONLY wants to have the well-dressed thug...don't make me out to be the enemy because I have to protect my heart...

I think my gurl Jessi put it best when she said this:
This is so late...but:

First things first...I feel where you're coming from. Its a genuine
concern.

But for the record, statistics show that African Americans & Africans,
when compared to all other Ethnic Groups, are more likely to NOT date
out side of their race. So interracial dating is a small fraction of
our population - it seems huge because of the drama surrounding it.

Now to address the "White Women are welcoming" - you might have a
valid argument there. You have to look at the two species (white women &
black women) and compare the two.

There are so many differences between the two women. When comparing
them, you have to look at them socially, spiritually, sexually, physically,
emotionally and economically. All of those facets pay an intricate part
in the development, attitude and overall life of the black woman. (we
do not have time today to break that sh*t down, my brother - we need a
conference at the DC Convention center with a panel of speakers, etc. to
that.) LOL

But hopefully you get my point.

However, I will address the concern you have about Not to mention "so
many black sistahs are caught up in thug images or clothes. Look at what
white people wear. They ain't concerned about fashion! At
least not to the extent that uppity negros are."

Mr. Man - this statement has everything to do with CULTURE than ones
race or ethnic group.

White people are jiggery than us brother! Please - thousands of white
women spend tons of money on bags that cost 4,000 and shoes that cost
1,000...they are more concerned with labels than us.

They just don't broadcast it....Step outside of your circle and go to a
modern mall and or urban nightclub or nightclub that's frequented by
whites (girls & guys) you are guaranteed to see the following:

Coach , Fendi, Dooney & Burke
Stella M, Abercrombie and Fitch (a place where a raggedy tank top
starts at the price of $45.00)
Gucci/Versace Shades, Purple Label Polo

I could go on and on. White girls and guys the like are as obsessed
with fashion and name labels as your average "sistah"...so its about the
culture that we live in. White women stay Jiggy - please trust and
believe. IT may not be as important as it is for SOME black women, but they
are obsessed with labels just as much as we are. But I'll admit , some
white women will holla at brother that doesn't have on the latest roca
wear sweat suit. They will.

I will admit that some "sistahs" have a problem with dating a guy that
doesn't quote on quote keep up with the jones's e.g.(air force ones,
nikes, enyce, rocawear, etc.) but if you're well groomed and confident in
your everyday look. I personally won't mind hollering - especially if
you're nice looking. So some are different.

Our obsession with image is something that is innately human - it
crosses color lines...We like the human body more with adornments, etc. So
its only human.

As far as the black and white thing - I have NO problem with a brother
courting or marrying a white women if that is who he loves. PERIOD.

But his premise for being with her should not be because "I (a
"sistah") "played games",and had an "attitude" or wasn't "welcoming to him" it
should be because he loved her and he feels that this is the woman for
his appointed time on this earth.

And I say, more power to him. But don't blame me because you chose to
go to a white woman.

Cause if you wanted me bad enough, you would have taken the time to
work sh*t out with me to help heal the wounds and meet me at a common
ground so that I could learn to treat you how you deserve to be treated and
you could do the same for me. IT's a two way street.

John Henrik Clarke - Master teacher speaks on this subject of the black
woman and black male in one of his lectures about the relationship of
the black male and female. I'll give it to Tiffany so you can hear it.
IT speaks on the Black Man's (hidden) obsession with the white woman
because he (black males) had to stand by and watch his mothers, sisters
and daughters be violated by white people (& men) and the majority of
the time he was not able to defend her.

Thus giving you the break down in the family unit within the black
community - thus you see the demise of the black father, husband and
overall role model within the black family and community. And the period of
the MATRIARCH rises for the remainder of the 20th century.

( I know, that was so extra - but its all connected. EVERY subject is
connect. FULL 360)

Just my take,
Jessi

Back to me:

To me love is love, but if you are putting sistahs in a BOX because of past or because of your own prejudiences...now that I have a problem with...
I don't know ladies and gentlemen what do you think...

5:20 AM

What in the hell makes someone send someone else a text message at 5:20 in the freaking morning...
Now its not like this person does NOT know that I don't get up until like 6:45/7, so why would you want to send me a freakin text message that early in the morning...its also not like this person doesn't know that I am light sleeper so if you send me a message or call me or whatever, 9 times out of 10 its going to freaking wake me up, PERIOD!

So when I get this text message from this person, who know that I am really NOT feeling them right now, because they have acted like a complete "woo" (if you don't know what that means, that's my term for being an A$$) and I really just don't have time for the BS/DRAMA/UNHAPPINESS...you name it I don't have time for it...so this person, again, who knows that I am not feeling them sends me a half-hearted I guess supposed to be apology, but without the word...but really, I mean dag on, let's keep it really gully...

WHY the hell did you chose to do it at 5 freakin 20 AM! I mean it could have waited until, ummm like you know like 12 noon...geez...

but maybe that's the time where they finally got the nerve to say something to me...that's really not my concern though...who knows, who cares...

All I know is this person is totally on my UNBELIEVABLE LIST!

So I finally get back to sleep only to have my alarm wake me up an hour and some change later...HEATED...especially since you all know I didn't get any real rest this weekend...Hell I was so tired I was in the bed by 9PM...that's right people 9 PM!!!!

So what is the moral of this post...NOTHING...I was just pissed and wanted to vent...I would have vented earlier but I got work to do...but I needed to get this off my chest....freakin unbelievable people....just unbelievable

My Weekend

My three day weekend started off cool...
I went to the "Goodbye Party" for our CEO...that was cool...
I was with them folks from about 2 to like 8:30pm...we partied though...them folks at my job are off the hook
Then KW came through and we chilled out, nothing major, she took my weave out though, aw man aw man was I happy about that!

Saturday I chilled, then my mom and niece came over, we watched a movie and just chilled, I got up and went to my line sisters housewarming. That was cool. I had to get home and get to sleep because I needed to get up at 6am on Sunday to get my hair braided.

Sunday I got up at 6am go and get my hair braided...it only took about 5 hours and it turned out HOT so I was happy about that...I went to Bible study, went over my folks house for a second but I needed to get home to get things straight because I was having my first "Card Party" Spades of course
What made me decide to have a card party, who in the hell knows but I just wanted to play cards with my peoples, laugh, joke and act a fool.
And that is EXACTLY what we did!

MikeSee, B, RM, Jessi, JT Money, Reds, KW...and eventually S Boo and her boo boo...
Up first it was me and KW against MikeSee and B...man we whoopped them boys...I can't remember the score but we got em...they chilled for a little bit, but they only played one set with us...

Then it was US (MD) against North Carolina (JT Money and Reds)...
First round was books made...them jokers, I ain't even gonna front...mopped the floor with us...that first hand lasted about no more than 5 minutes....
KW went OFF! It was too funny...
This would be the pattern for the rest of the night...MD (me or RM and KW) v. NC...get spanked in the cards...
It was cool though because we were talking trash, eating, have a couple of pieces of chicken and a beer....it was real cool just have folks over and just have a nice chill time
Mind you remember that I got up at 6am and I didn't go to bed until about 3am this morning & I got back up at like 7:45am...MAN I need to go to bed...
Today I hung out with Mommy again...we went to Annapolis Mall to do some shopping for my Dad, and I ended up getting a suit and two cocktail dresses (my first actually, so I am pretty excited I am really gettin grown...)

Anyways...I had a decent weekend, it was cool...got my hair done, spent time with my Momma, saw my Dad and hung out with my peoples....

Pumpkin

That's the name my mother called me when I was little. I was only called my first name when outside of that house OR when I was in trouble for doing something, which normally was me talking to much.

As a little girl I followed my mother EVERYwhere...I do mean EVERYWHERE...she even talks about how she couldn't go to the bathroom without me, knocking on the door to see what she was doing, or just pushing the door until I could get in. What can I say I loved my Mommy...she was and is the greatest thing since sliced bread to me. She was there everyday after school, I got a home cooked meal, clean clothes, you name it, she did it, the
World's Greatest Mom man she is the Bomb dot Com...
I just remember that there was never a time that she wasn't there for me. I can't remember when she stopped calling me her little pumpkin, it wasn't a bad transformation or anything, I think it was probably me more so than her who wanted to stop being called that. Let me think....naw I can't remember but its probably safe to assume that it was probably middle school when I started not wanting to be called Pumpkin...

What brings me to talk about this today....
Well to this day, I still follow my mother around, not in the bathroom or anything, but I talk to her, all day every day...she is my best friend! We talked like homegurls, fo real...that's my homie...and I am hers!
Its a good relationship, because I know for a fact that she is going to keep it real with me, even when I don't want to here it. But the thing is, that to her I am still her "little girl" so sometimes we really bump heads because as a 26 year old woman, I have to make my own decisions I can't live for her or anyone else...Her and my fathers opinion of me has mattered so much in the past that if affected the decisions or choices that I made...As time goes on I am learning that regardless if they agree or not, they will ALWAYS support me. Especially, my mother, well I can't really say especially my mother, because they are both equally supportive and equally trying on my nerves...but I know its only because they want the best for me..

My parents are truly the funniest people I have ever meet (I will write a blog about this soon...the stuff they say and do, they need their own reality show)...and I see how I am so much like them. The older I get the more that I see that I am like her though...she can be some kind of mean...most people that meet my mother think that she is the sweetest lady on earth. She just has this quite, soft, southern thing about her...just does...BUT she also has let me father rub off on her as well and that sister can be something else honey...This nice Christian lady, if pushed by the wrong person at the wrong time is nothing nice. But even still you can't help but love her and respect her.

Ok back to the point of this. Being her only girl and her baby girl (my youngest brother, the one of her two kids, is eight years older than me) she still calls me every morning to say Good Morning and I call her to say I got to work, I made it home, and Goodnight (yes, we really do talk every day all day) That may seem strange to a lot of folks, but with me living alone for the first time ever, its hard and she worries so its just become a habit so that she doesn't have a fit....plus like I said that's my homie...

So this morning, she called and I was about to walk out the door, and its raining really bad here, so she asks me, like only a mother would, "Do you have on your boots?" and all I could do was laugh and say "yes, ma...I'll talk to you later"
As I walked down the steps to my truck I laughed to myself because I felt like I was 5 again, and it was a rainy school day and she wanted to make sure that I had on my rain boots before I went to the bus...and that right there just goes to show that I will ALWAYS be my mother's Pumpkin in my own little way...