not centered

i am not centered
everything around me seems to be out of my control

i have no time
i have no peace
i have no patience
i have no structure

i do have a lot of anger
i do have anxiety
i do have an attitude

there is no balance
i keep trying to get to it
but i am just ignoring what's out of place

things are totally out of place

i am annoyed
i am confused
i am tired

there is everything and nothing going on at the same time

i can't keep faking

i need help
i don't have help

it's easier helping others

i am sick
i can't claim it

i don't know what to do anymore

it's easier just to give up

.....

real life adult new world problems

here is the issue
I want to move
like NOW
not yesterday
but TODAY
or how about before i even bought that house

i bought the house because of familial obligations
as of the end of this month i will have lived in that house for 3 years and can i in fact move OUT of said house without owing our president any money

so i promptly, upon this realization, began looking for houses
some brand new
some not so brand new
i nice older home remodeled and move in ready would work well for me

then i realize nope that's not going to really work out

for various reason my husband said we need to wait to move
he said until next year
but with the laundry list of things that we need to go ahead and fix in the house to make it livable what's the point in just waiting a year

we should just fix these things and wait another couple of years
why because the list is as follows:
carpet cleaned
chimney fixed (much needed)
complete plumbing replacement
upgrade of the electrical system
crown modeling in the kitchen
bathroom exhausts installed
fix the siding
replace light fixtures
re quark the bathtub (is that how you spell/say it, the white stuff around the tub)
replace sub pump

in addition i'd like to repaint the house correctly and correctly organize the laundry room
replace the carpet and put up drywall in the addition

but first things first
the MUSTs on list must be dealt with first

this is about to cost a couple of Gs
THEN we need new furniture at least in our room
another couple of Gs

ALL for a house that i could take or leave
BUT I HAVE A FREAKING HOUSE!
that's the issue
i own a home
a small home but a home
an older home that wasn't taken care of initially
but a home none the less that has cared for up to 5 people at a time

so i need to just chalk it up and get these things done so that we can live comfortably
the good thing is if we have another baby its affordable
esp if D is going to be in private school
i just need to really take some time and down size in this house and get these things DONE

so i have made the appointments so that the estimates can begin
oh joy
oh bliss

by April this house WILL be in better shape and i will be happier living there!
here's to hoping

just some musings

This is a combination of holiday musings that i have collected over the last week or so, you know the holiday season

enjoy!

 

should Santa still be fat

SERIOUSLY

you are putting Santa into the same "real life" epidemic of obesity

really Today show

WHY

its bad enough i don't want my kid(s) to believe in some man coming down a chimney we don't have, so leaving the door open all for the sack of a "childhood" and esp since i refuse to force him to believe in it despite the protests of his father

and we really don't know when Jesus was born so its just a "traditional" holiday

NOW you want to ask if Santa is obese, WOW 

 

yea

 

not feeling you

that's just dumb

 

you want to know what else is DUMB

the fact that i walked 2 blocks in 30 degree weather to get a waffle and turkey sausage

for freaking $12

oh i also got an orange juice and tea

$12

just dumb

 

and then as i sit here thinking about all the things that seem "just dumb" to me

i read an excerpt from this book "an invisible thread" and things seem to be deep again

another stream of consciousness

something more to think about

i have said before that i wanted to make an impact on the homeless population here in the nation's capital

then i want to impact youth

all these ideas of what i want to do

like own a successful coordination company

 

and nothing ever seems to come of it

it makes me sad that kiamsha is no longer going to be the same kiamsha because we simply do not have the time to sustain it

it makes me said that things just don't seem to work out

 

i have another wedding in april

and i did in fact have a coordinator to help me with our wedding, and she was an awesome planner

but our wedding was just that our wedding i pretty much did that myself

 

last night was New Year's Eve and i woke up right at 11:59pm!

Said Happy New Year to the hubs gave him a hug and i think a kiss and then

BAM!

gun shots

gun shots from a far

ok i have heard those before

but last night

the BOOM BOOM BOOM was so loud i could hear it behind our house!

right behind it

i told him i was scared but think he thought i was being dramatic as he was still half sleep

but when it shook him, LITERALLY

it was time to get on the floor turn off all the lights and dail 911

WHAT IS DUMB is it took us like an entire 2 mins to just get through on 911

then the lady was like can you see the person

ummm ma'am
NO because we are NOT looking out the window

while on the phone SHE heard another shot herself

OH wow, yea so how about you send a car out here please

thanks!

 

what was nice was that he got on the floor told me to get on the floor and made his way to our son's room got him on the floor and turned off his light

 

its just been a holiday season that hasn't been as festive, at least not for me

don't get me wrong, its been nice and sweet and special but....

i am tired and have been tired since i have been working every single holiday

i won't do that again next year

thankfully my husband is truly supportive and understanding and our son to young to "get it"

so to say thank you in my own way, last night i cooked my family the southern traditional N.Y. dinner collard greens, black eyed peas, and we will have turkey tenderloin (instead of pork, i don't eat pork or beef, but you ate pork because it can't fly, well neither can a turkey so that's what we are eating) and corn muffins!

all pretty much were scraps back in the day and what our people had to make due with

it means prosperity and a reminder to remain humble

 

that's what i want for 2013 for everyone around me

prosperity

joy

and humility

and most of all the ability to SEE and HEAR GOD

 

that's it of my holiday musings

Happy 2013 year folks!

ti RED

it doesn't make any sense how tired i am right now
NONE what so ever
absolutely does NOT

i am tired

so tired
i am seeing RED

i need these next 4 hours to zoom past
go so fast that i look up and its 2

working all week long
yes you read that correct!
working Christmas eve
on christmas
AND
acting like its nothing new and going and doing all things holiday with family friends has me tiRED
AND
i still need to wash and start packing for my family because we leave for his folks house on Friday
*deep sigh*
i need a bREAK
an absolute BREAK
that includes absolutely NOTHING

but a beach and i don't even like the beach

LOL

this is a lot

everything i needed

NOPE
this will NOT be another post about love and marriage and motherhood and all things flowers and roses and sunshine and butterflies

WHY?
because i realize how i am becoming all the women that THIS tumbler page is talking about

and some of the things she says on this page at one point or another i have thought, ok not most things, but still it makes the point

but NOW i am that married woman, with a kid, that thinks everyone wants to hear about it

*side eyeing myself* TWICE

i mean i am SURE people read my blog posts and some folks like it and comment
but i am almost sure other people have come and said, well what in DA HECK happened to her?

if it wasn't no love life
now its been all about the love life
being engaged
getting married
and being sick

geesh

*side eye again of EPIC proportions*

i constantly have funny things to discuss but honestly recently it all revolves around my husband, my son, my job and the rest is just plain ignant and it shouldn't be said out loud
why?
because the lawd is still working on me
HA
that's my truth

anyTways
i sat and just went through literally 11 pages of the above tumbler page and said
OMG that's me
I am that married, mom who seems to ONLY talk about those things
FOR SHAME

i was going to blog today about losing my former last name and how traumatic that was for me
then i thought well others maybe can't wait to do that, and who really cares but me
then i was going to blog about my son coming home last night after a week
but then that's really not interesting to anyone other than me who missed him like crazy, and wrapped presents like a crazy woman last night so everything would be done for him when he came home
but again, WHO CARES OTHER THAN ME!

geesh

i guess i just need to find a balance of this new life and continuing to find things that truly interest ME and make me move....
hmmmmm
what makes me move though?
right now, its in fact my family
but i gotta find myself again
i am T A C D
not just T or a C or a D
i am all 4 names, initials or WHATEVERRRRRRR

other than work
home
him
and him
what the HECK am i doing with myself anymore

there's still some Kiamsha stuff
but really i have just been focused on my household

its important
its what moves me
its special

but geesh
what the HECK else do i have going on

in short

i need to get me some business

really i do!

a man's commitment

so last night when i was at a table of women at an event called "tea & treats"

i had an AH HA moment of epic portions

men do NOT fully commit to any woman until they make her their WIFE

i'll repeat that again

MOST MEN are NOT going to fully commit themselves to a woman until she becomes his WIFE

so then that posses the question or several:
 why do women give EVERYTHING to a man before marriage? do we do it because our sense of commitment starts with the initial notion of exclusive or bf/gf? do we think if we aren't giving our all that we won't ever get to marriage?

i personally think its the fact that we believe in our hearts that in order to even GET to marriage we have to give all that we have to the man we decide to be with.
well again why?
because most of us don't date to date, we date to marry
that's what we were taught
so we give everything we have to the man that we allow in our lives

back to the ah ha

last night when i got home from the event, i asked my husband was my assessment correct
and his answer was in short YES
now for those that don't know our story my husband and i dated from 1999 to early 2005 and then got back together in 2010

me: does a man not fully commit until he gets married?
him: huh?
me: a man doesn't fully commit himself to a woman until he marries her?
him: YES a man doesn't give his all until he is married
me: Why?
him: because i may give  to a woman, as a man i may do for a woman, but as a man i would NEVER do for a woman  like i am going do for and give to my wife, my WIFE gets all of me, everything i have above and beyond, a man doesn't just give his all to any woman
me: so not even a girlfriend or fiance
him: NO its not until you become my WIFE that i will give you EVERYTHING i have, it's just not going to happen
me: well did you always know i was going to be your wife?
him: Yes

well dag on sir you may have saved a many of my single girls a lot of worry with that one answer!

he wasn't talking about cheating or any of that, he's not saying that if you have a bf/fiance he's going to do him
NO
i am not talking about cheating or expecting a man to do him unless he's your husband
what i am talking about is the heart to heart connection, the vulnerability, the spiritual connection, the acts of service, being totally engrossed and into this ONE person, a man doesn't do any of that until he gets married, where we as women give ALL those things to the man we are with, we are in the relationship with because we can SEE the end game of marriage so to get there we think we have to do and give all of that BUT a man, he won't even THINK of giving all of that to a woman unless she is in fact HIS WIFE

I will say, our relationship, though ALWAYS close has NEVER been as close and as intense, as open and honest as it has been since we have gotten married. There are things i have learned about this man in the last 2 months that i didn't know in the last 12/13 years. there is an openness that we share that allows him to pretty much tell me what a man truly thinks and feel, specifically what he thinks and feels

when a man decides to get MARRIED his mind goes to another level in terms of what commitment means and stands for

so then that leads to the question, how will anyone EVER get married if BOTH people aren't fully vulnerable and ready to give their all until the make it AFTER the alter

well you court!
that's the answer
you develop a friendship and discover your similarities and grow to like one another
you determine early on if you two are able to work together or not
if NOT you move on
because you weren't completely vulnerable with this person, it will allow you to discern early on if this will work or not and allow your heart to heal more easily

now if everyone is doing this, how many folks are you courting before you move on?
it shouldn't be that many!
why because you LISTEN to yourself early on, you pay attention to the flags as you chit chat and you allow folks to disqualify themselves, because a man will tell you and show you his intentions from the beginning

i honestly could have saved myself a couple of hard situations to get over had i known this, because looking back and now knowing this i know they weren't even interested in being MY husband, totally could be for someone else but definitely not for me

these are just my thoughts
its easier said than done
its hard out here dating
and with all the ups and downs we have had i was truly fortunate to marry someone i have known since i was a young woman who truly was willing to work with me and love me for me, flaws and all

that's another AH HA moment

he said he ALWAYS knew i was supposed to be his wife

a man knows, and when he knows, sometimes it may take a while to get there (5 years apart in my case), but he'll come for YOU the woman
HE will come for YOU

so in short: women could save themselves a LOT of heartache if we learned to reserve our full hearts, minds, bodies and spirits for husbands the way men reserve things for their wives
What do you think?

DISCLAIMER: when i refer to us/we in terms of women in this post I am talking about the women in MY life, including myself, this is NOT to be a blanket statement for all women everywhere. ALSO, these are MY thoughts and not inclusive to ALL MEN, some men can give and be totally vulnerable and open to a woman who isn't their wife

the power in prayer

a lot of times we don't tend to really pray until our backs are against the wall

i am no different

yesterday, while sitting at work and reading "the power of a praying wife" the resounding theme behind praying wasn't praying for your husband to do this or that

but praying that YOU, I, the WIFE began with praying for yourself to change

so many times its
well if he would just listen more
if he would just be more affectionate
if he would focus more
if he would have more initiative around the house
if he did.... you fill in whatever your issue is with your husband

but the reality is, in order for things to change you must first begin with you!

most times when you have issues with your husband you have a spirit of resentment, anger, or whatever your issue is
and when you have those issues is

YOU ARE BLOCKING CHANGE

so how do you unblock change with starting with yourself
a husband may be more inclined to do more, be more affectionate, do more around the house, when you are in fact a little sweeter a little nicer more considerate of his time and space

am i changed over night?
ahhhhh NO

NOT AT ALL

but i DO recognize where things start with me because i can only control myself and i can only PRAY that he turns to the most HIGH for direction and wisdom to deal with me and our family and with understand the man/husband he can be

and once you pray about all of this, the power of peace you feel is completely amazing
i recommend it there is truly power in prayer