nothing to say

you ever have something to say but nothing to say at all...
that's how i feel...

i am not lonely
i am not bored
i am actually, what's the word for it...
content...

yea i think that pretty much can sum up how i am feeling right now about my life...

nothing is wrong, everything is what it is...and everything will continue to be what its going to be...

the one thing i have learned and continue to learn is to NOT take things personal, because no matter how good you are to people, or at what you do, or who you are...somebody is always going to have something to say...so its best to pick your big gurl drawers on and keep it moving...

i thank the women in my life for helping me get to that point in understanding that what i feel and what i deal with is really okay...

i am no longer delusional about life, love or who i am as a person...

nor have a lost my sense of romance or that spice for life...but i enjoy making myself laugh, i enjoy making myself happy and enjoy being full of joy...over the smallest thing...such as see my Daddy smile...hearing my brother laugh or seeing the love in my mother's eyes for me...

you ever get to this point, where you feel grown like REALLY grown...

your parents opinion will always matter, but you know you gotta make your own decisions...
what your girls will always be your girls, but you understand that you all have different lives and different things that you are trying to do...
you are no longer starting to be as hard as you have been on yourself and begin to really take the time to reflect on your life choices and lessons learned so that you can actually BE a better person...
you begin to stop existing and begin living....
not all people are genuine and its cool, you understand that's why GOD gives you instincts and you keep it moving...
you recognize the real and you keep moving past the fake...
you are no longer judgemental and you just appreciate people for who they are, i mean REALLY appreciate people for who they are...the good, the bad and the ugly...

yea i am totally digging this falling in love with ME process...

man i am gettin grown

22 hours....6 states

that's how long i was up for straight...yep...
why? well because i love my family dearly so you know you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes...

Friday night was the Kiamsha girls sleepover...as usual we had fun...they think that we (the mentors) are crazy and we just sat around and laughed joked and had some REAL conversations...its times like that when they get to see that we are indeed REAL people who have dealt with REAL issues...

of course i got absolutely NO sleep at all...ONE because i can never sleep away from home to tough and TWO i don't sleep to tough when young people are around, mainly because i don't want anything to happen so i am always half up...so being that we didn't even turn the lights OFF until like 4am, and i HAD to be up at 6am so that i could get to the airport...let's just say i got NO sleep...

so i get up, go to my parents house, get dressed and off to BWI so that i could fly down to meet my parents in Birmingham and help them drive back up to MD...

it was cool my flight landed 30minutes late, we got some food and finally got on the road about 1pm ET....at this point i am wide awake and my mom is driving...we are just laughing and joking and talking...good times...about 6pm its my turn...

here is the kicker though i was up and fine until about 4:30ish my eyes started to get heavy...but i knew that my mom was tired and i flew down to help her drive back up (my dad can't drive like he used to, and his reaction time is OFF so its best he doesn't do any driving)...so i chalked it up...

Now the first two hours were HARD...i was tired and i don't drive my mother's car AT ALL so i had to get used to sitting all low in this Cadillac and driving a 8-cylinder car too...i stopped at the rest stop, got out, went in splashed some water on my face, said a prayer and was like "LORD please let's just get HOME"

after that it was ON...i got my peep in my step back and we were off and rollin again...

now i am not going to front, i-81 and route 66 ain't NO joke, its in the mountains and hills of VA no lights and two lanes...up and down, around and around...nerve racking to say the least...but we made I drove 7 hours straight and we made it..

once we got on 66 i said to my Dad, "you didn't think i could do it did you?" his reply "i knew you could do i was a little worried because i knew you were tired, but you are driven, you got that C blood in you"

that meant a lot coming from him...my dad doesn't offer compliments AT ALL...so it was special...the whole day was special we all just talked and laughed and joked the entire time...it was a good time for me because they will be moving in the spring so you know having them all to myself and being able to enjoy their company meant a lot...

being that i fell completely OFF my healthy eating plan friday night (let's just say i consumed over 600 calories from chips) i was more than determined to get BACK on it right away this weekend and I did...no snacks, only egg whites, no starches, salads and greens and mainly water...even making a HUGE pot of homemade veggie soup last night for dinner...just like my momma...LOL

so its Monday morning, i am feeling pretty good...i slept 9 1/2 hours once i finally got home, still got up and did what i needed to do around they house and even did a little bargain shopping at my FAV store in the world TARGET!

so i am happy got some energy and ready to GET GET GET IT this week...

happy Monday folks!

What is "success" to you???

being that i am in this funk of things or fog or whatever you would like to call it...

last night i reached out to my sister-in-law and she told me that what i was feeling was normal that many folks go through the funk or the whole, the thing is NOT to let the whole consume me...i again realized that i am a lot stronger than i thought and that i don't give myself enough credit...but still i wonder...

what is happiness for TC? what is success for TC?

i wonder to all my fellow blogger out there...

What is success to you? What makes you tick, what does it mean to reach a goal...

furthermore, what does it mean to you to be happy, what defines happiness and fulfillment...

many times we can easily get caught up in the "everyday" cycle of life...get up go to work, go home, workout, eat dinner, sleep, get up and do the same thing all over again...

are we just existing? what is living?

honest award

so i was graciously nominated for the "honest blogger award" by (g mo & honey) and per the rules i have to select 7 folks that i believe are deserving of this blog...now i was nominated twice does that mean i need to do 14??? naw i don't think so but i may have more than 7...so here we go

When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or more) that you find brilliant in their content or design. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional). List [if you can and or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself. And then, pass it on.

1. mikesee: i gotta start with this guy because he is indeed the VERY reason i started blogging in the first place. now i have known this intelligent brotha since ummm what 10th grade chemistry class...he has always been deep, real, smart, street smart but book smart and will come at your kneck but knows how to be a gentlemen...in the beginning he was totally chronicling his life, now its more a political-hip hop what's going on in the world restropective type of blog...we all come to a point in our life though when sometimes we have to keep certain things to ourselves so i am guessing he is at that point in his life...but he started me on this journey so shots to him

2. jac: she and i started blogging at the same time...we have both grown a lot during the last two years, ups and downs being chronicled on the screne...she has a way of writing not only about the real of her life but also creating pieces that are creative...she has such a sweet and enduring spirit and it totally comes across on her blog...not to mention that she keeps us coming with the latest fashion and hair and all the girlie things that we women love, including the boys...her honesty helps me grow

3. honey libra: my shortie honey...always upfront in your face doesn't matter what it is, she is going to keep it straight up and honest. no matter what she is going through she lets her soul speak through her fingers and that's a brave and admirable thing to do...from her joys, hopes, and loves she talks to us...even making us laugh out loud very often from her candid observations about life in the DMV...its like you are having a conversation with this crazy loud girlfriend in your living room, when you are really at your desk...she says things that i am often times afraid to say...

4. g mo: another brotha that's really out here being open and honest about life and love. i think that's what draws me to his page is how he explores the love that he has for his wife and his family. he is surrounded by women, mother, sister, nieces and his wife...and he just loves and adores those women, so its extremely refreshing to read about a man living his life in such a positive way. then you gotta add on the fact that he is a music and sports fanatic! so you can be sure to always get the hottest reviews

5. jussy: big sista jussy...you gotta love her! she is always keeping it straight up and honest. she is the one that has taught me NOT to force anything in this life...she feels how she feels period point blank and she makes absolutely NO apologies for feeling the way that she does. and if she doesn't have anything to say she doesn't...she understands that sometimes being quiet is the best thing for the soul and she shares that with us...food for the soul

6. Blu: the other big sis...she has shared her deepest most vulnerable moments...even LIFE altering moments with the blog world. she moves outside of herself to share things with others so that THEY can do better...totally selfless in sharing her deepest darkest secrets so that others can learn from her, grown with her, and be as strong as she is...truly a beautiful sista inside and out

7. eb the celeb: this girl is wild and the life of the party and i LOVE it. don't get me wrong, she is as vulnerable and introspective as any of us...but she lives life and she enjoys every single second of it and she is more than willing to share her deepest intermost feelings whether they are happy, sad, or glad...and that's always refreshing

8. all-mi-t: this dude right here! keeps me up on ALL that i need to keep up on in the world...breaking down every political, economical, sexual, relationship gander you can think of...and its straight from the hip...this dude is not only degreed, but extremely intellectual and profound (we all know that degrees don't = intelligence)...plus he is a wonderful father...you know he loves his family, his kids and is a good dude...

9. precious gem: my sweet sweet soul p...gotta love this girl...even if i didn't know her personally i would totally dig and love her vibe and her spirit...its so, what's the word, ORGANIC...meaning pure, no additves she is just who she is...and she is okay with that...loving herslf and growing into herself...she doesn't force anything she allows herself to just be and that's a beautiful thing...she is honestly and truly a precious gem, rare and special

10. E: this is the most random, brain dumping dude on the blogsphere to me...and i love it...he just spits it out...all right there for you...from his random thoughts about random things in life, such as snack cakes, the form of a woman, to his favorite tv shows and soaps...he is who is and makes absolutely NO apologies for it, and he shouldn't...that's what sets him apart...and we can't forget how he always has the ROCKIN playlist whenever you go over to his spot

11. a woman on the move: another one of the FIRST blogs i came across when i first started blogging a little over 2 years ago...and she is open and BOLD about everything, the good the bad and the ugly, her insecurities, he strengths, it all! and i love that about her, it doesn't matter what it is, from her accomplishments to some of her set-backs she shares it all...and from it all she grows and helps us all to grow and believe with her...

so 10 things about me:

1. i can cook...but breakfast was the LAST meal i learned to cook...the reason that's important is because i HATED the fact of cooking as a young woman...i totally REFUSED to be the "in the kitchen woman" that's all my mother seemed to do and i hated that "traiditonal" role marriage that they had so i rebelled but now i embrace that part of being a woman, a person

2. i am EXTREMELY protect of my brothers...extremely...i have told women that they "were NOT to return to the house" because i didn't like what they did or said or didn't say when coming into my parents house....to this day i am still protective but i don't run my mouth like i used too

3. growing up i was always was a VERY blunt like to a fault...

4. i love sitting in the quite and doing absolutely NOTHING

5. i have a walk-in closet that i can't walk into...at all..its amazing i can even find half the stuff that i find...and that's AFTER i have given away 3 HUGE bags of clothes, etc this year

6. i change my comforter set every season...i like to change with the seasons...so normally i get a fall/winter and spring/summer...i know...so i give a lot of those away as well

7. i like have complete darkness and silence to sleep

8. when i am DEAD tired i snore like a grown man...HA!

9. i HAVE to shower at least 2 a day...

10. i miss my friends, a LOT...seems like we are all just living life and get caught up in the day t day...and i miss my girls and my homeboys too...

11. my patience is being tested right now...BIG things still in the works but they are taking longer than i thought

fog

have you ever been in a place in your life where you just feel like nothing makes complete sense? like you are fighting to figure it all out and truly get your feet on solid ground?
like you are going through your day to day life, constantly moving and shaking and moving and shaking...but that's just it...you are just doing...

everyday you get up you and you go and you go

but its not like its YOU...you are living this outer body experience...

that's how i feel right now...

like i don't know who i am...i don't know what makes me tick...

here i am 28 years old and i don't know who i am...

i do but i don't...again its like me putting my feet on solid ground...and I have to do that, like i totally have to get comfortable in MY OWN SKIN its just weird

i am not comfortable with myself right now, i have so many moves that i am trying to make at one time and there are so many things that are up in the air right now, that i am learning patience and i am learning to love myself flaws and all...and its just taking a lot of time and effort on my part, and time and effort that i haven't had this past month because i have been sick on and off...from a cold to an allergic reaction that ended me up in the hospital on Monday...so now i am tired because when your body breaks out in hives you can't sleep because your body just hurts...

man i want a piece of cake...(oh that was random)

so i am still eating better but i am NOT depriving myself....i am exercising and going to do it all natural way, you know not starving myself but just eating right and exercising...i have my weight goals but whats most important is that ME, myself gets alright with ME...and that i am healthy inside and out...

i can't even imagine me going through all of this and even thinking about dating...i don't even have enough time for myself, NONE for even for someone else...

its totally a GREAT thing that i know that though...like i know that i don't have that space or energy, i don't even have the time, space or energy for myself...

again does that make sense??? is there anyone out there in the world that can relate...maybe you can, maybe you can't...

i know i am totally all over the place i totally know...but i am fighting, fighting everyday to find the TRUE me...meaning the woman i have grown to be, and the woman that has grown or continues to grow from her experiences...so step by step i am going to make it...

yea i am about to have a "me" day...doing nothing but a couple of store runs and then i am totally going to chillax out...i may not even talk to anyone on the phone...i think i just need some quite for a while...

ummmm not so much...

yea so i am not so much in a good mood...

maybe because i am tired and cranky and i started my 5 day cleanse so the ONLY thing i am eating is fruits and veggies, with a VERY limited amount of chicken and fish.

The only thing i am drinking is water...

so here is the THING i know that i NEED to do it because i have been traveling ALL year long and not eating and sleeping right, and my face, weight and all that has suffered because of it...

but i miss my donuts and my chiptole and all the things i can't have and i know i shouldn't want to eat i want to eat like RIGHT NOW!

just cutting out juice & tea alone will save me what dag on near 500 calories a day...and i know this but man it sucks...

THEN my mom was like "let's cut out starches for the next month or so" why did i say YES...no rice, no pasta, no bread (NOW clearly all of these things are the things that go RIGHT to my hips so i need to cut back on that anyways but geeze)

then i have decided NO red meat or pork...but i can't give up my sausage links so imma have to just let that go...

all of this is so that i can develop a healthy lifestyle for myself, that includes eating right, exercising, sleeping right

all of that on top of the normal maintenance that us ladies must keep up nails, toes, hair...you know the regular...

so i am not in the best of moods...i am hungry here this pretty much says it all:

hopefully my funk won't last to long...but its been for a couple of weeks now...here and there

okay now back to your regularly scheduled programming...

paper trail...

from one tip to another TIP i must say that this album has been speaking to me in more ways than another..

i have always been a hip hop girl...i was bumping albums that most females wouldn't...i can still free style with the best of them...HA!

seriously though, i was in the HAM this weekend (that's Birmingham, AL for those who don't know...the real A as i call it) kickin it with my cousin's and basically as i was in the car he was playing this record...it was an instant connection between the two of us...

every song (except for whatever you like-i still don't understand the whole "it ain't tricking if you got it" mentality...YET at the same time, I man doesn't want to be "captain save a hoe" and wants someone who is independent...yea i can't call that one) he and i were connecting...

being through one hell of a summer from a break up to career decisions that have left me truly understanding that EVERYTHING you do good or bad will truly come back to you...to one of my former Kiamsha students being shot and killed to my 20 year old nephew drunk driving and hitting a tree in VA and totalling his car, lucky to even still be alive to watching my father continue to go down hell in terms of his health to seeing my mother retire and knowing that she and my dad will soon be moving away and my best friends will no longer be 20 mins from me...

yea its been a whirlwind of sorts for me and that is what makes me stronger i think though...i didn't realize what or how much strength i really had...but now i can see that i am stronger than i ever thought...

"GOD will take you through hell just to get you to heaven"

no i think we put our own selves in hell and he pulls us out and helps us get to heaven...

GOD doesn't want us to hurt ourselves or to be put through unnecessary changes, we do that all with our "i got this" mentality...we ain't got NOTHING...so many times we are seeking the face of ourselves through the superficial things when we should be seeking the face of GOD...think about it..

anyways...GOD and i both are working through this "meantime" experience that i am having right now...i don't want or feel the need to date, i feel the need to date myself put all of my energy, love, patience and kindness, all of that into ME...

yes people for once in my life i am going to be totally and utterly selfish and not worry about anything other than myself!

now don't get me wrong i still love the kids and i still love my village (Kiamsha family, friends and family) that is in my life and i will definitely keep doing what i gotta do for them folks...but i want to love myself and be truly and utterly about myself you dig...

check this out: "Love is the only thing we need. Love is our peace. Love is out joy, health, and wealth. Love is our identity. We go into a relationship looking for love, not realizing that we must bring love with us. We must bring strong sense of self and purpose into a relationship. We must bring a sense of value, of who we are. We must bring excitement about ourselves, our lives and the vision we have...." In the Meantime, by Iyanla Vanzant

i can say i have never been a HUGE Iyanla Vanzant fan, but i will tell you this, this book is a good way to sort through a meantime experience, figuring it all out...

here is the deal...other than when i am traveling, i am happy! (thankfully i don't have to travel for work for the rest of the year) and at peace...there is a joy and a stability in my life right now...I am basically making moves-solid calculated moves to live MY life to the utmost and the fullest...the thing i like about the above passage is that it doesn't focus on anyone other than YOU the person and what YOU must first do to for yourself

...and that's LOVE YOURSELF and be EXCITED in WHO YOU are!

that's the greatest thing right there...being happy and whole with YOU as a person...and that's what imma do...despite the fact that my madea said to me in the first two minutes of me being there "oooohhhh you done got fat and what happened to your hair..." or when i was living she said to me "my fat sweet baby" CLASSIC! but it was cool just hanging with her...can't go to Alabama and be that close and not go see the grannies...but its all love...i am working on being a "size healthy" that's all that matters and being happy with MYSELF and MY own weight, she like everyone else, will always have their own opinions so you know you take it with a grain of salt and keep it moving...you know...

simply put we only have this ONE life, so no matter what you do, you gotta live that joker to the absolute fullest!!!

know that karma is REAL and whatever you put out into the universe will return back to you...

so when you are making that paper trail, make sure its one that full of joy and peace and of course love