im back....

one day i will do a count on how many "im back" posts i have done

so i got back yesterday morning...i was supposed to get back last night, but i was just so ready to go home that i decided to get on the saturday night redeye...i don't see why people travel to the west coast any other way....because on my way out there I was totally blown away about how frustrating it was (although I was sleep)

working 12-14 hours was alot but it was totally fun because i was working with youth...so work ing with youth is never really working...you know how much you can learn from a young person...they have the pulse on what is going on with them, the people we are really working for....how can you work to treat people if you don't know their issues...

in the end I was presented with a nice homemade vase one of the students from New Mexico made it its absolutely beautiful! i really enjoyed myself but once it was over i was ready to go...you know...

i came home and as soon as i landed he met me at home....it was nice....he has been working really hard and so have i so you know its been really hard to connect so I am thinking we will chill out, but for once he wanted to get out of the house so we went to the Baltimore Afram. it was my first time going and i really enjoyed it. The art, the people, the different music...black folks we have so much so many different levels and it was good to see a lot of those levels in one place...

that's me nothing else really going on except for me sleeping 12 hours...i'll reenter the working world on wednesday for two quick days....

im goin goin back back

to Cali....

so i am off to LA tomorrow morning...

off to work 5 long grulling days of working a convention and doing the youth program...

but i was built for this...i'll catch up next week...

stay up people

peace!

communication 101

i definitely need to take that course
not for how to communicate with people in the world or at work or within the family (we just yell and scream and curse until the other person shuts up-thus this may take a minute)

but seriously i need to learn how to communicate with him...

he and i both can't communicate with each other to save our lives...he is a Type A personality i am a Type AB combo...we are both extremely independant and we are both always right....

yea i know not a good match up to say the least when it comes down to it...

little things that most people would just brush off, get blown out of proportion

its just a lot of small stupid stuff that turns into HUGE blown ups and out...

then you add on top of that the fact that he own his own business and works 10-12 hours a day 6 sometimes 7 days a week...now mind i am supportive but i need some time to, and i'll totally be flexible and work with you and we can be creative and the life....BUT if you aren't even trying to meet me half way on that..then i don't know, see that's what i mean when i have said before that corporate "woman" lifestyle may not be for me...
thus the communication issues, if you can't spend time together to cultivate a relationship, be around the person and do stuff to continue to know that person (its all good when you are getting to know a person but when you do it can't just stop)

but i think that the corner stone of any good relationship is communication and if we can't get this together its not going to work...and i have said it before and it bare repeating, just because you are two good people doesn't mean you are good together...sometimes things are better left alone...

i guess it boils down to, at what point do you continue try and at what point do you just let it be

i have a confession.....

so i have never done anything like this before in my life...on the way home i was truly contemplating if i was going to really go through with it...but based on my own personal needs and wants and feeling like they haven't been fulfilled in a while i just decided that i needed to go ahead and just do it...you know just do it

so i made up my mind that i was going to have the secret meeting after work...it would be quick and i was hoping that i wouldn't be found out...but didn't i always say i wouldn't do this i wouldn't do this...yes i did but i couldn't help it i felt like i was in need of something new and exciting, well not even new and exciting, something actually quit familiar and old but i needed that connection again...

on the way home on the train (which is stood the entire friggin time, yea i whole nother post later on about how gas prices are affecting my daily life in more ways than one, including an increase in people riding the orange line) i kept going back and forth about the meeting but once i got to my car and was driving down 50 and i passed the exit to my house i knew i was going to go...

i go to the spot and as soon as i pull up my phone rings, and its him..my heart drops...i answer the phone (because normally i would be home by now so if i don't answer he'll know something is up) he asked me what i was doing and without warning i took a deep breathe and just blurted out

"IM CHEATING"

he was like "huh, you are cheating???" he was totally shocked and taken aback because he knows that not me at all...i don't cheat i just don't do it...

but yesterday i couldn't help it, so he calmly asked me "what do you mean you cheating?" to which i replied...

"i am at McDonald's and i just ordered a 4 piece happy meal, i know i am wrong, but i just wanted to some fries i just really really wanted some fries"

he paused and as if to take a deep breathe (maybe it was a sigh of relief-of course you would always like to think that you know your partner wouldn't really cheat but he was caught off guard i know) and he responded

"its okay its chicken, its only four pieces...don't be so hard on yourself, you have been doing good...but were you going to tell me? had i not called and caught you in the act would you have told me?"

"of course, you have been there every day cheering me on, so i would have told you"

and i would have totally told him...every day i eat fruit for breakfast and a salad for lunch and a light dinner...every single day...i walk and do Pilate's and all that...and he is the main person telling me to stay focused just keep it up it'll take time but the weight will come off...funny how it seems like it gets on you so fast but it doesn't come off so quick...but nevertheless he still seems attracted to me more weight less weight whatever weight so that's a good feeling it really is...

and if you thought i did something really bad...you already know that's not even me...HA!

blessed!!!!

so if you have been reading this blog for a while you know that in 2006 i had surgery for ovarian cyst, it was the size of a lemon (on the left) and two clear cysts on the right burst...and it was more complicated than initially thought...

the cysts returned again in late 2007...and in January test showed that it was the size of let's say a small bouncy ball...so i have been having pain and different complications on and off...

this morning i went again for more test...i wouldn't say that i was pessimistic but i wasn't necessarily optimistic at all either...but none the less because of the pain i knew that it was something that i needed to face...so i went in and just took it, took it like a big gurl shoul...LOL...and i am totally happy to report that the cyst is NOT the same size OR shape as it was 6 months ago! its now the size of a marble if you will...

YES JEHOVAH GOD IS GREAT!

i must admit that it has been a stressor for me...wondering if i will have to endure another surgery wondering if i will ever be a mother...wondering, just wondering...in december of 2006 i was told that i definitely needed to try to have children as soon as possible, well its a year and a half later and who knows when that will happen, definitely looks like it will be later than sooner...but i do KNOW that GOD is on the job and truly works things out...

i am floating on cloud nine, i told my parents, i told him, everyone is so happy today! its truly a blessing it really really is....

so when you get to feeling down and you start to think about how hard life is, like how hot it is outside, or how rough or tough your job is, think about the fact that you have the option to go inside and stay cool in the AC, think about the fact that you are fortunate to even have a job...when the kids or your significant other are just irking your last nerve, think about all the people that will never know the joys of parenthood, think about the people who will NEVER know true unconditional agape love...

we have a lot to be thankful for, we just gotta remain faithful and focused because GOD WILL work it out...i learned that lesson today or shall i say HE reaffirmed that lesson for me...

.....

yea so i am feeling quit random today

last night i realized that i will truly and most certainly be one of those old women who sit on the porch and know EVERYTHING that goes on in the neighborhood...i'll be that woman you know you can always come to becuase i am noisy, that's right i am nosiy i will admit it! (he'll be truly happy that i finally admitted this to you, because he has been saying this since, well since our entire relationship-HA!)

okay so i was walking up the steps to my house, i live on the top floor for those who don't know and its a walk...so walking up to the top, i hear all this yelling and slaming of the door and all that...so immediately my ears perk up because i need to hear ALL that is happening...so basically the couple that lives on the second floor (not married) but living together with her son...so basically dude didn't have his half of the rent or monthly bills (ya'll know its the first of the month) so he said he would leave she said fine, get out as a matter a fact i'll help you...(see and that's why i need my NAME on papers before i live with anyone, PERIOD) so they kept going and going, by this time i am in my house...

i leave and go work out, come back, dudes stuff is in his car (which by the way is a BRAND NEW ES 300 Lexus, yea homeboy snapped out and bought it maybe a month or two ago and in turn she snapped out and bought a BRAND NEW Honda Accord) now mind you to each his/her own, but that makes this situation even more sad...

so every night i sit on my balcony and just take in the air, one because i love spring/summer/fall nights and two because i am noisy and like to see the people coming and going...that's how i can tell you when they bought the new cars and who got one first...yea i know sad, but like i said i am noisy...so i am sitting out there and i see this man, sitting in his car, with all his belongings and on his phone, CLEARLY trying to talk his way back into the house (which he immediately started doing earlier once she told him she would help him pack his ....) eventually he left and then she came out on the phone yapping it up about what had happened to someone "girl yes that mf did...and i was like ..." now mind you she was NOT alone at this point...

who was walking right behind her?

her son that's who!

that's when my heart just dropped...wasn't like i wasn't already feeling extremely sad about the situation...because its always sad when something so public and dramatic happens and then you are thinking "my people-why" SMH...but when i saw this little black boy come out behind his mother who was CLEARLY bashing the man that had been living with them, his male figure, it just made me sad because so many things he can take from that situation...i was talking to him about it this morning, and he stated, "he is probably used to it" and he may be right...and that's even sadder...like i don't like for parents, couples whatever to argue in front of their children some things should be left behind closed doors...but to see his mother disrespect a man and a man disrespect his mother...to hear his mother down talk him and put him out...it sends so many NEGATIVE messages about black men to that little boy and it doesn't set him up for the POSITIVE side of manhood...i don't know fellas speak to me...

all i know is i was sad....on the other hand-the couple on the first floor little girl is finally home from the hospital, she was extremely premature and even though she is 6 months old she only weighs 7 lbs and some change...but the father is so happy, like so happy and proud to be a father to a little girl! he is always outside with his little boy and now he'll walk her around at night...they are a really close family the wife, the husband, the little boy and now the little girl...so yea with that positive view its a balance...

i would say that i just liked to observe life, but naw i am just noisy...HA!

love hard, love true, love real...

have a good weekend

getting my Carrie on....

so this weekend was one filled with ups and downs, no i take that back it was one filled with mainly ups...when you are told flat out "you are changing, are you really happy with yourself? you not the same person..." you must take a cold hard look at yourself to see what the problem is and what YOU can do to fix it...

i do, truth be told, find myself at an impass thinking about what could be, what would have been and what SHOULD be or so i think to myself all the time....

but the reality is, you can't control anyone's reality but your own...many times i say this, i have said this over and over again on here...but for some reason for the past, ooohhhhh i don't know however many months i haven't really been living like that...i have been living for what SHOULD be and not what IS...there is a major difference between the two....

i awoke this morning to cook myself eggs and Eggo's, to stretching to ease the pain of the muscle aches from all the walking and working out that i have been doing to go to the grocery store to start to wash clothes to going off to church to stopping past my parents house to going to see

Sex and the City to home...

and i realized this one obvious truth...i did all these things alone, just ME...and i was quit content doing those things just me...

there comes a time when we must all understand the importance and value of love and happiness and that must come from within first...

that one sentence that one phrase SNAPPED me back into what IS...and for that i am and will be forever grateful