doooodoooodooooo....repost of sorts

happy feelings in the air, touchin people everywhere, plenty love and everything, listen to the people sing....

I'VE GOT MYSELF TO REMIND ME OF LOVE

got my mind and my heart...i believe in a love...and these happy feelings, feel that happy feelings...

I WISH YOU HAPPY FEELINGS

so i have posted this song before, and like everything it shuffles through on my ipod i get totally happy!

Maze has the soundtrack to my life

and when i say i am truly got Happy FEELINGS right now...

I am hitting on ALL cylinders...

i am motivated unlike i have been i'll say in a couple years....the last time i was hitting on things like this i was in graduate school for the first time

maybe i feel like this because i have been accepted in and will be returning to graduate school this fall for my second degree a MS in cyber security policy...

did i just share that with the world and i haven't even told anyone outside of my parents, besties and brothers (and only 2 of them know)...

i don't even want to "talk" about it, i just want to DO it...and for no one else other than myself because its been 4 years since i got my first degree i feel like i am missing out on academia and what's to be learned, discussed, read, written...and if i am ever to go back to get my PhD i need this to get my chops wet again

kiamsha is off to a GREAT start as well...i am motivated and just ready to do it

last two years have been with a lot of major changes and adjustments but i made it and i am HAPPY and BLESSED

not lonely not sad not nothing other than...cool to be in my own skin

maybe that comes with 30

even with this wedding coming up, i know i weigh more than before, but so does he and i could care less...because TC rocks it no matter what...funny thing is people always say little things like
"well why don't you get a trainer" YOU get one...i am fat and happy...LOL

ok ok ok...i know i need to lose weight for health reasons...but i will not be a 8, hell i'll be cool with a 10 or 12 but that's me...

you know what...here it is i am in love with me...you know how you think you are in love with you, but you aren't really real with you so you think you are in love but you really aren't...

no, this time i am IN love with me...i know my flaws, i am working on them and i am ok with me because i know i am growing every single day

i had a good year review as well, my promotion package went in, cross your fingers...

like the girl is just working it out...and is going to keep her head up because in the end if i don't exude the positive in my life who will?

exactly my point...

HAPPY FEELINGS PEOPLE

me...

i realize that i am very content right now...

and although that's a good thing, i recognize that it really isn't

you see one day i want to be a wife and a mother, but i absolutely have no interest or drive to be in anyone's relationship and i don't know if i will any time soon...that's scary because it takes what 6 months to year or two of dating to get to a point of marriage and then another 2 or 3 being married before i would be ready for kids...

and the reality is i may end up being in this same space at 35 and its just me and Golden..

you know i sat and watched Marley and Me this weekend (well a couple of times, the first time she heard the puppy crying and she went to the tv to see what was wrong and then she heard him bark and she was looking for the dog, she is so smart...)

well back to the point when Marley died in the end i was balling, crying my eyes OUT...and she was laying on my lap and i know she was like "mum ok what is wrong with you, i am sleep" lol

she is so important to me

and i would be happy just me and her and no drama and not having to deal with anything or anyone...but that's not living and that's not loving...love is all about the other person and going outside of yourself

i guess i always feel like i love and don't receive it back...i DO know that i have grow a lot and can see myself flaws and all and when it IS finally that time i'll hopefully be more prepared for the hopefully FINAL round...that's all i got left in me

energy

sometimes in life we kinda just float through we don't necessarily think about all that is going to eventually come back to us...

that's why you have to be the best person you can possibly be while being true to yourself..

its definitely not the easiest thing to do, because sometimes being true to yourself will mean hurting someone's feelings or not answering a phone call when you just aren't up for being the listening ear because let's face it you may be going through your own issues and problems at the present time

i think this song (i know i am late with posting) but listening to this song today helped to remind me that even though the first law of nature is "self preservation"

one must also be true to the the commandment to love thy neighbor as thy self...

and sometimes that's not always the easiest thing to do, especially when someone hurts you...but we have to remember its up to us what we take in and what we don't...

its easier said than done, especially when you're hurting...but i always remember that person will have to live with the fact that they did you wrong...so remain true to who you are

we all must remember that whatever energy we put out into the universe will come back to us, so be sure you are putting out the positive, remember to lift people up and love one another

the south

so i am from the south

i remember arguing about it in my college days when my boyfriend and all his family were from south jersey and so i didn't want to be from the south (oh how we all want to fit in, never mind that southern jersey is country as hell but you know wharves) then there was the boom going on when everything was from the south so you wanted to be from the south..

DC/DMV has always been confused and we don't want to claim the south but we don't want to be northern either...just like we'll say DC before we say maryland when out of state because people will automatically think baltimore and goodness forbid DMV folks be associated with baltimore...its way more complicated than need be but hey it is what it is

yes we here in the DMV live below the mason dioxin line and we ARE from the south...

good thing is we are right here at the thing so i like to say we are a little southern metropolis...

meaning we technically are in the south and technically we sound country as hell but we are a little city and world of its own...

i had a whole bunch of witty things that i wanted to say, however i have the flu and an ear infection so i'lll just leave you with one of my favorite southern party starting songs

her music...

makes me happy...

i mean it really makes me want to get in my truck (with new tires and breaks and all-that's another post) and just RIDE OUT

and it makes me think yea i feel the same way...well i gotta find someone that makes me feel this way but yea...oh i did just fall in love with them shoes she got on in the end

....

today wasn't a good day...

i don't feel confident

i don't like my body

i feel FAT

yes today was NOT a good day

oh but i meet with a major executive and it went well...

still no matter what when you pantsuit is TIGHT as all get out and you feel like a stuffed sausage...

yea not a good day

in dedication

i don't do many dedications around here...but outside of Maze and Earth, Wind & Fire....this band was and will always be IT to me

to Robert Wilson and the entire GAP band family...may Robert rest in peace and know that the music made will live on

this is REAL music!

now we funk...my daddy says you always celebrate the life, so let's party

YES!

bittersweet

Every now and then I still get a flashback Of the time I spent Thinking you could be that one Should I have just kept your love? Yes I understand,We did have some good times On the other hand, Got my crying all night It was too much for my mind So even though I left you I can't forget you' Cause when I think about you It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet Guess I'll always love you It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

that's how i feel or i am feeling...

here's the story (i'll try in 25 words or less)
my college ex's lil sister is getting married, she and i have always been close and remained close after the breakup, i am in the wedding, her shower was this weekend, i was there of course and while there was introduced to those who didn't know me per se, as "o's ex T" lol, and then comes the "so what can we do to get the two of you back together" with smiles from ear to ear, or telling me how she is never around and no one likes her...just a whole bunch of stuff...

and here's the thing its been a few years so i wasn't expecting NONE of this

who knows if people were being serious or if they were just saying that to see what i would say or do...

my response, i just want him to be happy...

and i do...the other thing is, to me, he made his choice what 4-5 years ago when he "did him" instead of working to mend it, he chose to continue to deal with her and eventually have a son, that was his choice...

he's a good father from what i understand, never doubted that, and i am happy he has a lil man and he's in love with him...and the fact that he has a son with her doesn't bother me at all

here's what is bothering me-why am i even thinking about this in the first place? why am i entertaining this?

i haven't seen or talked to him in 4 years

maybe i am thinking about it because i have always loved his family, like the family i thought i would be apart of, we were all very close, his sister and i still are, and his mother still refers to me as her other daughter (that was my other introduction this weekend) so definitely no love lost, but man oh man...they were my people and will always be in my life to a certain extent because i'll always been there for his sister and his parents, you don't breakup with families...its just not that easy...although i did back off a long time ago because i didn't want her to feel some sort of way, so i communicated with his sister and mother on a limited bases and not on the daily, the weekly, then monthly bases because that was for her to do you know...i just didn't want to step on folks toes

and then maybe i am thinking about it, because admittedly, being real, the ego of being "the one that got away" puts a little smile on my face (i know that's ridiculous) but that's the reality and i am being honest with myself...

here's the thing that i was told by a couple of people
its not that he made a choice, it was that he made a mistake and didn't know how to come back...

i guess...

this was the person i looked at a engagement rings with, landed on a right with, had sized and everything...

yea

and i don't even know, well when you are with someone for so long and you love so hard, maybe that love never really goes away...i know when i saw him 4 years ago i still loved him very much..

but since then i have loved again and lost again...

maybe it was one of the hardest thing in my life because he was definitely my BEST friend...and then we weren't even friends anymore...

it took me a long LONG time to get over the entire situation because we had been through so much, so very very much...so its hard when you think about that

but like my ls said this weekend, not to condone it, but we were in a long distance relationship the entire relationship, we were young, and i have come to the conclusion we were too young and we should have been friends...his father has always said that...and i agree

i don't think, based on my experiences that people should be so young and put so much pressure on someone to be in an "adult" committed relationship...young people, especially in your college years, early 20s, should be spending time learning and loving themselves and just being friends and eventually when your hit about 23/24 then maybe go to that committed relationship...so that means no sex, none of that just fun and being friends...

you love way too hard, and don't even know how to properly love someone because you don't know how to properly love yourself

again just my personal opinion...

because then you are both ready to be committed and can move forward...you just can't be in a relationship without knowing who you really are...and then you have in some cases where someone might be intimidated by someone else because they are going through with education and the other person isn't...or the distance or just having fun may be an issue...

anyways i guess i just needed to put thoughts to computer screen and just get this out and off my chest...

he was and is always going to be a good guy to me, despite his whatever you want to call it he did, and i definitely hope that he is happy

because the reality is i am...

mind dumpin

so my folks leave on sunday...yes they have plucked my ever lastin nerves...but i will truly miss them!

it won't be another whole year before i see them though, i'll be heading down to see all their renovations in november and then again in march for the family cruise and i am hoping that their 2 week summer stay will become a yearly event...

they both look really good...i just really love my folks...i really really do

i am a little blahza today...no particular reason...just am...

maybe because people are funny, especially females...no matter how old you get people are just that funny...i just have to remember not to be funny myself ya dig...its funny i say that at 30 or is it sad?

started reading "ain't i a woman" by bell hooks...it examines black feminism...definitely a question i have wrestled with for years...am i black or a woman first? and why do i have to choose? i think its cool to know someone else has had these same thoughts or issues or ponderings

is it just me or does anyone else's ipod seem to play the same stuff constantly...i mean its like over 2400 songs on this thing but i feel like it plays all the same stuff on shuffle..

ok here we go...some byb "i can change" in my ears...let blast it so my co-workers can think i am even more crazy then they already think i am...

i have gotten my focus back...dude i was OFF for a min...like not focused at work or at home just blah

and even though i am mad tired right now, i have been on it this week...i don't know what snapped me back into action but i am glad that i did..now if i can snap back into action with this weight loss...i haven't gone back up but geesh i needs to go DOWN...

oh here is the other thing i realize...i am still a work in progress when it comes to other peoples opinions or things...i don't like for people to not "get me" or if someone, like my dad, has something to say, it cuts like a knife...like he told me i was "fat" yep just like that i was "fat" i had gained weight...so for the past two weeks i have been extremely self conscious especially when i went out for my birthday...i don't like any of the pictures i am way to wide...sad isn't it..

well if you don't like what you see in the mirror its up to you to change it right?

i want to crawl under my desk and take a nap...like right now!

oh you know another thing that bothers me, terribly...beggars...

this may sound harsh to some, but this is the place i should be able to speak my mind right...now don't get me wrong homelessness is a major cause that i have and it bothers me that so many people in the "wealthiest" country on this here what we call earth are homeless...but i do NOT like be harassed or looked at like i have no soul every 5 steps i take because i don't give you change every day...i can't get food, go to CVS, or just walk to and from work without being asked at least 5 times for spare change, etc...and if you offer to buy food, etc...you get cursed out
i'll buy street cents from the homeless vendors and i tend to give extra at least once a week to the 8 people that are on my block...yes there are that many...

its a bit much to handle daily...i know i am blessed and i don't complain about my job, my house, my truck none of that because i am blessed and i am only but a few checks or a breakdown away from possibly being there myself...so i try to show compassion as much as i possibly can, but dude...come on...its a lot daily, hourly its a bit much...

that's just me you can tell me i am crazy or mean, won't be the first time i've heard it...

back to work...

have a great weekend i am off to new jeru for a bridal shower tomorrow...

summer spirit festival

you wanna hear some real music have a good time and see black folks together enjoying life with no issues

this was the place to be last night

here was the line up:

Janell Monea

Common

Chuck Brown

The Roots

Erykah Badu

When i say it was a party it was a PARTY!

we were there right at the end of Monea's set, but we saw everyone else...I had seen everyone before except Common and let me tell you my baby daddy put on a SHOW! loved it

Chuck of course had the entire crowd rocking for an hour straight...i downed my food as quickly as possible so i could get up and dance...they did a tribute to DMV legend Lil Bennie...when they hit

"i see the light, I see the party light, the red and blue and heather green...so everybody come on let's party down and if you don't get the hell outta here..."

when they hit that pocket! this girl went off...they even showed video of lil Bennie when he was with the Masters, dude that was like the mid 80s i was a youngin fo real but my brothers and him are around the same age...so i came up on the music...

anyways i went off on a a go go tangent huh...

Common was the best, then Chuck then Erykah, I have seen her numerous times so i know that she likes to change it up every time...this time it wasn't enough funk, more meloncony...she was FLYY as hell though!

I mean hair blond in a mohawk with some loubitan's on and a banging dress...

LOVED it...

I also loved her hip hop free style, she is conscious but still has that street flare, not to toot my own horn, but something like what i try to be...there is nothing wrong with being multi dimensional...and she is that and that's one of the things that really draws me to her...the fact that she is so layered...

i always say i am like an onion and i am and its cool to see others as layered as me...

it was a perfect ending to a GREAT week...

now i chill, reflect, snack, eat, and chill some more

so i'll leave you all with this...complexity

and i can't leave this post without a video of lil Bennie....

30

today is the anniversary of my birth...

the 30th anniversary at that...

i was in a bit of a mood yesterday evening...it was pretty bad so i did what i always do, or have done before in the past, i went to my favorite spot in the city by the water...

i sat there...i reflected and i prayed and when it left i was 30 and i felt 30 xs better

its been a good day and its going to be a good night...

its been a GREAT peaceful ME day...spa, shopping, now dinner with my parents and a party with good friends...all on a Tuesday...totally not something i would normally do, but hey its a new decade of life so why start if off doing new things...

i'll definitely write out something more introspective later but for now

HAPPY 30 TO ME