its okay

to be single

many of you have probably already come to this conclusion, but for me its something that i have once again reintroduced myself too...

point of order: i came to realize my contribution to my own situation, i settled, i settled and accepted a lot of CRAP i know that i normally would NOT have accepted had i NOT been so focused on wanting to be a wife and a mother...so i have come to the resolve that i will no longer allow myself to be my own worse enemy when it comes to this issue and let myself KNOW that its OKAY to be single until i no longer have to settle...but its my responsibility to understand the spiritual, emotional and sometimes physical consequences of settling and to remain strong...

anywho...
the weekend was fun and full of love, laughter a little bit of tears a little bit of anxiety but through it all it was a process and i come out better than every...

Friday night-me, the mommy, the niece, the nephew and the sister-in-law went to see hancock...it wasn't the greatest but it was a good movie i think...my mom got the tickets before i got there and they gave her tickets to the dark knight, of course we all know what that was about so i told her and informed her that from now on check her tickets to make sure her money is going where its supposed to go...we then went to dinner, and laughed and joked and had good times!

Saturday-i woke up in a funky mood i mean funky mood...i had a moment and allowed myself to feel the pain and to cry it out...but i was on the fence about going to this event called "sisters speak" that evening...why? because i know how my older mentors get down, and although it is ALWAYS from the Bible first and foremost and always what you NEED to hear its definitely stuff you gotta brace yourself to hear...so i called RH (formally RJ) and told her about my hesitation and she calmed me down and said well just come for an hour at least, well i stayed the entire 6 hours, i was very uncomfortable at times, but something triggered me to just tell my story(not the whole thing, but enough to get the point)...oh it was about genuine people and i was like if you have someone that is truly genuine and you know that work with them because there aren't that many (male or female) out here...saying what happened allowed me the release i needed and it also allowed me to learn my own personal lesson so that i can move forward...here are a couple of take aways:

1. when someone shows you who they truly are BELIEVE THEM
2. you must remain strong and consistent in showing someone (male or female) how to treat you
3. continue to work on your relationship with GOD, women have a way of making a man or children or work more important than GOD and when GOD isn't truly #1 things won't work..
4. its really okay to be single! because marriage is hard work...so take the time to really get to know GOD and get to know yourself...biblically, spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, this is the best time of your life...

Sunday-chilled did some house work and then go the nephew for the god-son's birthday party...man we went to this place called pump it up...dude jumping on a moon bounce and running through a maze thing and gettin up a slide is HARD...my body is hurting like for real today...but he had a ball...and i ordered the boys some fall stuff so hopefully that'll be here by tomorrow their actual birthday...

i had a good weekend...one thing is for sure i am totally surrounded by wonderful women! young, older...i have a support system...and i have myself like i have my pissed off moments still don't get me wrong, but its not like i am looking at it like its me...because i know its not, i just know i have work to do for me but that's my evolution process you know...

so everyday imma just keep pushin forward...

rAdomneSS

so been a while since i did one of these decided to do one

so first order of bidness...check out my new baby:

ain't her purty...i think so...she comes with all this cool stuff...i started to get a blackberry but then i really thought about it, i don't do IT stuff, and i am NOT on the Internet or email THAT much that i needed to get either that or another smart phone...so i let the Moto Q go and got the LG Dare...all touch screen pretty much like the iphone...do i like it, HELL YES i love-ed it...just gotta get used to the "touch screen" function...but i have had it for what 2 weeks now...and yes i am IN LOVE...plus i can get on the Internet and do all the other stuff with the premium phone package and my bill is going to go DOWN...HELLO! and i got the phone for a extremely ridiculously LOW price...

ummmm...

there are a lot of breakups happening around me, outside of my own drama, which it seems like mines was last and the BIGGEST of them all...i mean really, i mean really really...

but you know what i prayed for him last night...it was the first time i did that...i actually prayed for him to be a better person/man and that GOD helps me to forgive him because if i can't forgive him its only going to block my blessings, so in order to get past i gotta forgive...and you know as angry and hurt as i may be i really feel sad for the dude...because he honestly doesn't like himself or his life...like when you come to that conclusion about someone, and you honestly KNOW that the person is crazy as hell AND angry/sad about their life...you KNOW you are better off without them...so you gotta keep praying

still gonna take me a minute but as my girl Chrisete say, "imma be okay"

i don't feel like being at work, i stepped out to go to the dr office earlier, mind you its on my calendar and my sup asked me where did i go, i guess she was looking for me because she forwarded me a call...dude i barely take lunch a lot of days...and i got here early to make up for it...

the god-big boys birthday party is this Sunday, their theme is the backyardagins or however you spell it...all i know is that the friggin cake is costing me $50+! are you seriously...EVERYTHING has gone up...and we complain about gas here, but how about in Norway gas is like $11.83 a gallon...now i'd be pissed about that...

Obama is making positive inroads overseas...good not only for him but for the country, hopefully with some positive foreign relations we can start to build some relationships that will result in the benefit of the country as a whole not just in some, meaning the 1% wealthy folks...

did i tell you guys that i cut my hair...yep and i permed it...

and how about a friggin root canal, ALSO requires a cap which is going to cost me friggin $450...i looked at that lady like she had 3 heads...ya'll done already got about $200 of my money now this for ONE TOOTH...why the hell didn't you just pull this joint...oh but that would be too easy for me and no money for you...had i known people had i known...

and Metro...omgoodness...everyday since last week there has been some type of delay, now is it just me or do we think that they are cooking up something to get more federal and regional funding...you let enough government workers NOT be on time for weeks on end, something WILL give OR it'll be their justification to increase the rates YET again! and they just bought some new buses that cost 800K, mind you they are environmentally friendly but geesh...

my brother's oldest daughter (niece) is here for a month...and i am pissed, not that she is here for a month, because she is staying with my parents so it doesn't really affect me for me to be pissed, she is a sweet and smart young lady and actually hella cool...so i love being around her she is a clown like my brother but she is quiet like her mother...the thing that PISSES me off is that my niece is totally obese...i mean size 22 at 15! there is a problem...so we are trying to get her to start eating right, no sodas no candy no fatty snakes and get her walking 30-60 minutes a day...it pisses me off because her mom is a good mom, but she works and goes to school so my niece does her own thing for food which means stuff that won't work for her...and to be that big that young is truly scary...

did you know for a 1 bedroom apartment they charge $139 to clean carpet-i know INSANE...but that's apart of my cleansing process and the fact that it NEEDS to be done doesn't hurt either, but imma do it AFTER my birthday weekend since people will probably be coming and going...

oh i didn't tell you i got a raise, wasn't much but it makes a difference...how about change my title, or something that's what i really care about, its really all about the title and job description...

i watched "welcome home Roscoe Jenkins" on sunday...i had to watch it twice for me to laugh, i mean really laugh...Monique is crazy though...

this weekend should be fun, movies on Friday with the niece and nephew-imma finally see Hancock, Saturday lunch with my homegurl, then a sistha hood workshop that evening, Sunday church and the boys birthday party...keeping busy

i am here, i am alive, i am blessed, i am me...

Peace

now this is comedy

ms peaches!

hated it...

i was cool...

but then i woke up this morning PISSED

like i didn't even want to get out of the bed...now i know i have said that this crazy, nut job, loser dude won't get the best of me, and he won't, i mean WILL NOT steal anymore of my joy...

but i am in deed having a moment...because today marks a week...THEN i get a "restricted" phone call this morning...what type of games is being played now...

didn't i tell you to leave me the HELL ALONE like seriously...

what the hell are you supposed to say to me what can you say to me...NOTHING...

dude there is NOTHING in this world you can possibly say to me...in the back of my mind of course i want to know why, but NOTHING he can say to rationalize what was done...

so in that sense, again NOTHING you can say...

so happy it was only about a year of my life and not more...

i am being told that i am strong, i haven't broken down, i am keeping myself up and keeping myself moving...but today i am angry, i am hurt and i am PISSED...

guess those moments will come and go for a while, its only been a week...i need to give myself a break...

i continue to surprise myself

that's how i feel right about now...that i continue to surprise myself..

despite the week of HELL that i have experienced, i have not been broken...i refuse to allow someone to have that much control over my life or my spirit...

nor will i allow, friends, who basically are in this "i had a feeling..." type of mode and how by the way haven't said anything encouraging or understanding at all other than this fake attitude of well i knew something was up a long time ago, so sorry you just caught up attitude to get me down either...

becasue in short, i know who the real people who love me and care about me really are...times like these seem to always times like this that folks true colors come out...

BUT then again, you can NEVER expect just becasue your life has fallen apart that everyone else would care enough, because the reality is everyone has their issues, their own stuff that they are dealing with you know...so honestly even that type of stuff isn't bothering me it bothers me about as much as it took me to type that...

so i have taken control of my life, accepted my role in the situation and again am grateful that it happened they way that it did because now I KNOW and will never have a lingering feeling of what if or maybe i was wrong...

lesson learned for the uptenth time in life: ALWAYS LISTEN TO SELF and ALWAYS KNOW THAT THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS COME OUT

so i have been doing some self cleansing...got ride of everything he ever touched or layed on in my house...everyone had their own process but that is part of my cleansing process...

i went back to a perm, me fighting with my hair all the time was no longer working so i got a perm, a cut...went got a mani/pedi which included me definitely trying black out...and finally my mind has stopped running as much

i am definitely still hurt and angry but i definitely STILL believe that there are GOOD/GREAT men out here and love is still a possiblity...and i am releaved...things could have gotten much deeper than talking about marriage, kids and moving...got much deeper than being told i had an engagement ring and that we were definitely getting married next year...it was just a matter of timing...

deposits could have been put down, an engagement annouced, a dress bought...it could have been so much worse...more time invested...so again i am totally THANKFUL you know

reasons....

there is a reason why in the back of my mind i never felt comfortable
there is a reason why i always kept one eye open and always looked around the corner, always had a backup plan always asked questions because i was never to sure...

there is a reason, and when you pray for GOD to reveal stuff to you he does, in his own time...

so many questions, main one though is why, why lie to me...why cheat...why do all the things that i told you i NEVER wanted anyone to ever do to me...why???

i will never know the answer to that question or why you felt the need to lie about EVERYTHING...you clearly weren't honest with me about anything, anything AT ALL...

am i crushed...Yes
am i hurt...beyond belief
did i just have my entire life and my entire future, everything that i dreamed about and talked about with you...all LIES...

so that leaves me to have to start over YET AGAIN...and that's okay...i have done it before and i can do it again

do i know that there is a lesson in this that i have to learn, it sure is...and i'll learn it...

and until then i'll keep praying and THANKING GOD for making what was real, really REAL to me this morning when that phone rang...

what's in the dark ALWAYS comes to the light as my momma always says and it did and for that i will forever be grateful...so now i'll pick up my pieces and i move forward because i am stronger than this, better than this...

no doubt it will take a while but i'll get there

been a week...learning patience

so yea i am totally learning patience right now...is this they year of learning patience for me...definitely learning patience, about responsibility, about planning, about working hard, but mostly i am learning about patience

you know what i am not liking about this whole learning patience thing, its the fact that i really do have to sit back and wait to see how to story unfolds. i basically have NO control over a situation a situation that basically could determine the rest of my life...and being told "its called a surprise" doesn't help me feel better about the situation...
e
maybe the issue is that i like having control over my life, and when i can tell that i don't have control over my life, me and what may or may not happen, i pretty much begin to feel like i am losing it...and i don't like that feeling...not one bit...

and the thing that really gets me is that the other person doesn't have that feeling of what the hell is really going on because they have a "plan" but me not knowing what the total plan and only getting bits and pieces...it sucks!

then you know what else sucks, having a root canal done on the same tooth, twice in ONE WEEK! that's right people, i went on Tuesday, clearly it wasn't done correctly, i know have an infection and they had to do it again...the total plus about the situation is that the dentist that i went to today is totally AWESOME he talked me through the entire process and i didn't even feel the neddle when he gave me the stuff to numb my mouth...

i am hungry at this point because all i have had all day is sausage and some wiso soup, that really isn't any soup its just flavored water...HA!

its been a long week...just really a long week, i haven't slept or anything steadily because of my tooth, my monthly its just like it all hit at once...

oh but you know what...i guess this is the point in my life that i will develop and strengthen my faith...i do have faith but its like really being put to the test do i have enough faith that my life will turn out, better than i could have ever expected if i just chillax...imma give it a try
i must admit that it will definitely be a daily sometimes moment by moment struggle because like i have said i like to be in total control guess i gotta let that go

black alley

yep i finally went to see my girl kc and her band tear it up last night...
it was absolutely awesome...it was at this absolutely cool place called artmosphere on rhode island ave, in mt. rainer...

the art mo sphere was just that...cool tables with art work all around, 45 inch records on the walls for decoration...it was so chill and so nice

the crowd was very cool...like i was just totally excited to be around the young working african american people just there to have a nice chill good time...

get this, HE went!

yes, HE actually went out...he works absolutely so hard all the time, but he knew i didn't want to go by myself so he went...he doesn't do concerts, a lot of people/crowds, but he tried his best to make the most of the situation and actually was extremely impressed by the band and more importantly my homegurl...she can SANG ya'll...in fact he stated that he felt like she was holding back and that in that venue she really couldn't "let lose" he was absolutely right...

it was a real soul FILL vibe last night...we got there early and caught the first set and half the open-mic before we bounced out, but it was cool with me...it was just nice that he volunteered to go do something that i know he didn't want to do because he knew i really wanted to go...may not sound like much to you guys but as much as this dude works and as much as he HATES the club or anything close was a feet...

so heres to Black Alley...a new band that you must ALL check out some time...they are BAD ya'll truly truly bad