Monday, March 03, 2008

rAdomneSS

so i bought a journal over the weekend-i haven't had a journal in YEARS like kept a journal on a regular basis...but basically with so much going on, so many different things happening at one time i determined that it would be good for me to start plotting down my intimate thoughts
i am actually finding that its quit helpful for me to just get stuff of my chest and out of my head so to speak....

yea so i have a lot of things coming through the pipeline...a lot of things that i am not necessarily happy about or liking so its pretty much up to me to make some changes...but basically all of these things will take time...so right now my patience is being test to like the UMPTH degree

but patience is a virtue....

you know who gets me, my mother...no matter how far off reach or how far i go off the deep end, or no matter how emotional or even irrational i can sometimes be, she gets me...and she accepts me for who i am no matter what...but i guess that's a mother's love...

i have figured out what i want my GREATEST accomplishment to me...my family! yep, i know i'll give back to the community, eventually i'll do trainings and workshops and information sessions...i'll do well in a career and all of that...but my greatest accomplishment in life, that i want is my family...you see because your family keeps you grounded, your family is your root...your family, husband and kids are those who mean the most in life...at least that's how i feel right now...but here is the kicker...i might not ever get to fulfill that accomplishment...

its like the conversation that i had this weekend...we are all so focused on making a "name" for ourselves, that we push and push and push in a career path and then we "make it" and guess what we end up alone...all alone not having anyone to share our lives with because we have been so totally focused on just having a career...

i was also asked this weekend "do you have enough patience to deal with someone who has their own business and could be gone for weeks at a time????"

wow...major question in deed...here is the thing, you can be married to someone and see them everyday and there is no bond or relationship, you can be married and have a long distance marriage and the bond is tighter than anything!

so that's the thing...it all depends on what each party is willing to put into the relationship. i am willing to be patient and understanding, but what are YOU willing to put into the relationship to sustain that bond, to continue to foster that growth between the two of us...

again, patience is the key because clearly i don't think that either one of us fully understands all that it will take to maintain a relationship across distances, time, and hectic schedules...

LIFE just seems to keep getting in the way

one thing that i DO know, is that working with the Kiamsha youth this weekend over their workshop, is THAT is what i LOVE to do! i got caught up in working so hard for this 9-5 that i forgot about the kids that need me and that love me and that i love...

like i said i have a lot of stuff to think about, figure out and all of that...but definitely starting to write down my thoughts and allowing myself to feel and work through those feelings good and bad will help me...

for example, how i WANT to buy so many different pieces...so many different dresses, skirts, tops, shoes, bags...and i just don't have the money and the extra money i do have or come across needs to go to paying down my debts so that i can be debt free, because my parents are plotting for me to buy their house...not that i want their house, but it would be a good move for me financially but its still a major step and a step i am not sure that i want to take...

i think it all boils down to me being tired of feeling like i have to fend for myself, its like when can i just have a break...but i won't or don't get a break...and no matter what, i have been pushing and i'll just have to keep pushing forward that's life you know, that's just life...

i am fighting my way out of this funk...and i am going to keep fighting...i have no choice...i come from a line of fighters in its in my blood, its in my DNA my general makeup...

but despite all of this confusion and stress...i am blessed and forever GRATEFUL...i have a home, i have heat, i have food to eat, i have a truck to drive, i have gas in my vehicle...i have wonderful parents that love me...i have home gurls that are doing big things, one works for ESSENCE, one who is working a 9-5 and still performing shows, one is a GREAT teacher, one is getting married to the love of her life, another one is a Pharmacists and just bought a house, one is a single mother and climbing up the ranks in county government AND going back to school, another one had to start all over with her undergrad degree but she did it! sistahs going out there living, loving and giving...

he is out there doing his thing, taking over the family business working 10-12 hour days, flying all over the country and despite what he may think i am truly proud of him and i know he'll be successful...

we are just all busy fighting through life...fighting to make things happen...doing what we got to do to survive and hopefully through it all we'll find peace and happiness...

8 comments:

It is What It Is... said...

WOW! Thanks for this...as you know, I've been in a rut for the past 3 days. Just going thru and dealing with so many emotions and issues. Its like one thing after another...

Some days I wake up and I wonder, what is it all for? I wonder if I'm on the right path, etc.

But then I check my self and remember that underneath of all of the issues and problems of the day, that I'm truly blessed.

My life is great and my future is bright.

I am determined to stand up straight with my chest out...

I WILL move foward no matter how hard this thing called life gets along the way...

in spite of it all, I press...

tanita - I love you sis! Thanks for always giving us that real talk...

Any Given Day said...

Ok Sista!I thought I liked to write, but you got me beat. You already blogging and now you are journaling. But back on subject, I think people do put too much focus on making a name for themselves and their career, but some of that is in hopes of being financially stable in hopes of having a family. Then we tend to lose focus on the goal at hand and get so wrapped up into our career, we forget what we were striving for in the 1st place. Then when things are the opposite, you have the family, but the career is not where you want it to be. So who knows! I need clarity on that part!
LOL

B_More BAP Life said...

"but patience is a virtue...."

So true..... & Journaling is another virtue, no doubt!

LORD HELP ME WITH BOTH!

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

thats is it, FAMILY, and write every day, i do, maybe u will read some of my books one day nd thanks for he drive by, i hope u do return

j.a.c. said...

enjoy the journal! i guarantee that if you put the time and energy into it, you'll carry yours every where you go like I do. the trick of the trade is to be 100% honest in it. no holding back. no one will see it, so write to your heart's content! go journals!!!!

Ms.Honey said...

I'm def feeling this homie!!

MysTery said...

This is really a good post!

I think I need to start journaling again...think I am scared or something...

Anonymous said...

Journaling is one of the best things you could ever do for yourself. Blogging is a form a journaling too, which might be better because you get support and feed back from others. I have been journaling since the 3rd grade. It has gotten me through some tough things in my life. the great part is going back a year later or so and reading how much you grown and changed for the better. Also, seeing what things are still holding you back.
Keep your head up and your feet grounded. We gain more appreciation and passion for the things we work hard for. Nothing good comes easy. Those that do come easy usually don't last.

Your Sis.