This is actually the title of a fellow blogger's blog....but its honestly how I am feeling right now...
so many times, we take our mental capacity and abilities totally for granted...
so many times we take our parents for granted, and we you see that both are slipping away at the same time...you feel well, trapped in your thoughts, because there is nothing that you can physically do...
Let me explain....
My Dad is like one of the toughest, strongest, craziest, coolest, cats I know...
If you know him in the streets, his name was red bone
If you know him from work, just call him Clarke
If you are my mother you call him Jimmy...
But to me, he is and will always be, My DADDY...and I his little girl...
As you know I have 5 older brothers, and then there is me...little old me...the ONE who despite my physical makeup, acts and thinks like my Dad the most...well not really all of us act like him in our own way...but me, I got his common sense, his straight give it to you raw talk, his sense of humor, his honesty, his love for good shoes and hats...my mother used to say "you act so much like your father it makes me sick" and of course he would say "you act just like your mother..."
Me and my Dad, man that's my homie...we are so tight, that I promised him that when I lost my virginity, BEFORE I would talk to him about it, and after I would tell him if it was worth it...well I kept my promise...and he was right it wasn't worth it...
That's just the type of relationship we have...so when I went to the house on Sunday to check on him, and he looks up at me from his bed and says
"who are you?.....(after a minute of silence)oh, hey T"
he broke my heart...my father didn't know me....
It all started on Thursday when my mother came home from work...he kept asking her about 3 pills, and she had no idea whatsoever what he was talking about.
By Friday it had gotten worse, and on Saturday, he was up and about to leave out of the house to go and look for my brother...which doesn't seem so bad, except it was 30 degrees outside and he was going out in shorts...my mother was totally afraid to leave him alone...he was seeing stuff...he saw me walking up the sidewalk in front of the house and of course I wasn't there...he kept saying people were doing stuff to the house, he didn't know that it was the weekend and wanted to know why my mother was at home...
My father was totally and utterly out of it, delusional...we came to the conclusion that he had a slight stroke or small seizure...but of course he would NOT go to the hospital...his doctor said to bring him on Tuesday so he is going today...or so we thought...he says he doesn't feel good, which is why i told him he needs to go....
Its been rough on my mother, she won't leave his presence...my brother can't take seeing him like this, and me...Me I just pray and wonder...
he hasn't had an episode since Saturday night...but what does all of that mean...if he doesn't go and get tests ran, we will never know...
All I know is that my father is slipping away from me right before my eyes and I don't know what to do about it...but pray...
my heart is breaking, there is so much I need and want my father for...to give me away at my wedding, to hold my child's hand...just to hold my hand and sit and talk to me on the swing outside like we do...talk about nothing in particular...talk about life, love, and what its all about...
but my reality is...I don't know, I don't know...
I love you Daddy...with all my heart!
No matter what, me and you until the end...
