The Gift of Good-bye

sometimes you see the signs and you want to ignore them
sometimes you want to make it work because you know that with any relationship, its going to be work...
but at the same time...you need to know your worth and be able to remain firm to your convictions and the things that you won't stand for or the things that you just know you can't do...

so as i stood at the door and heard those words come out of your mouth, believe me when i say that it hurt, it hurt more than you will ever fully know...

but i opened that door for a reason...if you didn't want to be here, there was no need in keeping the inevadable from occurring...

begging and pleading are things of the past...

you weren't sure, but then again, you were...you needed to go...you didn't want the "pressure" the confines of a relationship...

when you want to be with someone, you KNOW...

and if you don't KNOW...then its time to say good-bye...

So today as i sit and deal with the fact that we had a wonderful time together, you made me happy and i would hope that i did the same for you...but when it comes down to it...

i have the gift to say good-bye to you because its best for me....

UPDATE:
The words here say it all

HAM

so on Saturday i went like i always do to get my eyebrows waxed (and mind you they don't look that GREAT)...little did i know that this VERY simple task would lead to something truly horrid!

it started on Monday, a little circle of red bumps on my forehead...by Tuesday it had spread to my cheeks, upper lip and chin area,

by Wednesday my right eye was swollen...and by today....its stating to go down a little other than me BARELY being able to see because now BOTH of my eyes are swollen!


yea i know right...needless to say i was able to get into the dermatologist office yesterday and she said that it was definitely the wax or cleaner that they used...my face looks like "you rubbed poison oak all over it" i was given a steroid and some lotion to use and told that in about 6 days it should be clear and that by this evening (yea right, again do you see my face!) i should be looking like myself...

terrible...and what makes it worse is that i went to the nail salon (Nail Trix in Bowie Town Center) they were acting like, well you just have sensitive skin, nothing we can really do about it...they use Honey Wax...but offered no refund no assistance NOTHING, they claim to never reuse sticks and that the wax it in clean containers...but i don't know if i believe them...further they were NASTY and I was actually being NICE

...so i will be contacting the better business bureau on this one...yes its true you can't predict how your skin will react to stuff...but in my 10 years of getting waxes this has NEVER happened...

just needed to vent...

so know i have to go around looking like the dude from that Hunchback movie, or Gina on Martin (the HS Reunion episode) because I got to much to do at work...


UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Update:

I am looking more like me again today...

man....Happy Marvelos Monday!

so i couldn't really sleep last night....

got up this morning, got showered and dressed looking like imma be out the door by 7:15 which means imma be at work early...YES!

well it didn't work out that was...

as i was washing my face, i notice red bumps, on my forehead lookin all crazy...ok, i had an allergc reaction to something...

ok now i am dressed and what happens i get something on my WHITE shirt...dag on it...the stain wouldn't come out...dag on its so (and i was looking cute too) all the while HE is fussin on the phone saying "just change the top" he's right i am wasting too much time...
now i have to change tops, ok well this color looks better with the skirt...need to get out of the house

get to safeway to get some benadryl for my face, no one is at the register...
get on 50 track why because there is some big ol pool on the OTHER side as a advertisement...

i get off the train, coming up the escalator, my skirt is about to blow over top of my head...thankfully the lady behind me pulled it down...


so i say all of that to say...regardless of all of these events, including HIM whining this mornin...i am STILL in a GREAT mood...this only confirms that we really do in fact CHOSE our attitudes...maybe GOD kept me in the house a little longer to keep me from danger, kept me at Safeway a little longer so that i could remember i also needed lotion, had traffic on 50 so that i could listen to some gospel and get my spirit & mind right before i got on the train...my skirt almost blowing up because the lady behind me may have needed a laugh, or to feel needed and to have a kind word spoken to her this morning....

everything happens for a reason so just give thanks and keep pressing on....

weekend in review

Friday-

was chill enough
busy at work from beginning to end and left there to do a new after school program entitled
"Music & Morals" basically its a project that is tied into a larger after school program that will teach students how to do music production, video production, and/or web development.

Kiamsha was hired to teach both "Music & Morals" and Entrepuneralship. I (point person) will be teaching the morals portion, along with other Kiamsha alum, about Kiamsha principles, such as the absolute truth and conviction/preference. The point of this is to get them to understand the importance of integrity when creating art....
its really long and draw out the plan, but its what I do, and I love it...working with young people, and doing music....I am excited!

For the most part the students seem to receptive to the program so we are going to have some fun, learn and grow! So every Friday (except for a few here and there) that's where I will be....

After that I came home took out the cornrows and went to sleep

Saturday-

i got up earlier than i do even for work 5:45am (its amazing what scarifices you are willing to make for something that you want to do) so that I could be to hair shop by 7am...
i got some long kinki twists...
i like them a lot...HOWEVER
i was in there until friggin 5pm...much longer than i had anticipated...and it didn't help that the lady took a 30 minute client (cornrows) near the end...needless to say i was cranky and hungry...

so when i left i barely had enough time to get my eyebrows done (mind you i had planned on getting the works done, eyes, mani/pedi-but THAT DID NOT happen), pick up a couple of items from Target, come home and clean up before I left to go see my cousin Jasmin sing...

So me and KC go and see her sing with Mya for the Sigrams Gin Live tour...

in the mean time in between time, the doors weren't opening until 11pm, and I was hungry still (I had only had a half of a chicken steak sub at my people's house...) so I was like you know what...there is a little cafe across from the 9:30 Club so let's (me and KC) get something to eat...

needless to say it was a whole in the wall, but I was in deed hungry...so well KC just got something to drink, I ordered steak, rice and salad (all for $11.99) and let me tell you it was GOOD! But isn't that always the case...its the whole-in-the-wall joints that got the good cheap food...so I am now full and ready to party...

The show started late and off slow, the Clipse were HOT (they walked around afterwards and were chillin like normal folks) and then comes Mya and more importantly my cousin...MAN did they blow...matter fact Mya sings a lot better than I thought...she was totally underrated(under used) in that Lady Marmalade (sp???) joint...she can sing and dance...and my cousin did the dag on thang...but by 2am, I was tired and ready to go...not to add that we stood up the entire time...so my feet were on fire...so i get home and got to bed...

Sonday-

i get up this morning at like 7/8 am...i can't sleep late, EVEN though i had JUST went to bed about 3...
HE is sick from a sinus infection (he came back briefly from ATL and is going back) so no QT

so today...that's cool thought because I am tired and just want to chill...
i decided to just get up and take back the digital camera that i bought from Target and let that be IT for the day...well it didn't happen...i ended up walking around Target...get like one of the BEST mani/pedi i had in a long time...Andy worked my feet...weww and I needed that so relaxing...

then i needed to get bridal shower invites, needed to get some open toed wedges for work and go to the grocery store...

so i left home at 11am and didn't get back in here until 3pm...

came home wrote out bills, did the invitations and an e-vite, cooked, washed, and all off of what 4-5 hours of sleep...

i've been running on E since last week....man...


but now I am about to eat and get ready for the work week...imma sport my freshly painted toes, cardigane set and shoes tomorrow...got to look fresh with the new braids and all...lol

all in all it was busy...i have been running every day...but at least i get to chill tonight...


hope you all had a good weekend...

Corporate GF

so i just realized something...

I am a corporate girlfriend (OK for most of you, you didn't know it was official...YES I have a boyfriend...and YES its weird to say after being dolo for 2 years...but anywho)

He is a Director for Research & Development for a large bio-chemical firm in Maryland, actually its a global firm that is based out of Germany, which means that he will be flying there at LEAST (could be more) twice a year, and flying across the country and world for various other meetings, workshops, conventions, conferences, you name it he has to go...

At first it wasn't so bad, but his travel scheule has started to pick up....the travel is set to slow down after his current trip...but still

the current trip is to Atlanta and he won't be back until the 29th...yes the 29th...
he just left yesterday...

so here is the other compounded issue...

he lives in Reston, VA...which from Bowie, MD is like a whole nother world...45 mins-hour away...

we rarely (NO we do NOT) see each other during the week, because he is working, I am working, he is tutoring, and I tutoring/mentoring and doing Kiamsha stuff...

so that leaves the weekends...and a lot of phone conversation...which for the most part WORKS for us...


I care about this man, like deeply, in your soul type of connection type, on my mind all the time type stuff...that's my homie, my boi, my friend, my ace, he's really a GREAT GUY (yea I know deep right)

i mean really he gets me...if that makes sense, he can put up with me and put me in my place (i have an extremely powerful personality, i am extremely complex as well and get beside myself at times...so i need a man with a strong personality that can pull me back) without demeaning me...we have had our ups and downs but that's my homie

But now I am starting to really think...

like if this is going somewhere (which I hope it is, and we are starting to talk about "the future") then what is going to happen if I become a corporate wife?????

Like seriously...can I handle him being away for weeks at a time? Handling the house and the kids and life just me with out him? only for him to be on the other end of a phone? seriously can i handle this? don't i want a man that can have dinner with his family every night? or be at home to help me tuck in the kids? heck tuck his WIFE in?

*deep breath*

We had a serious conversation about 2 weeks ago and he was really feeling some type of way about his schedule and the time we would be able to spend together, and that it would really hard on the both of us....i totally reassured him that I would be supportive and understanding and we WOULD definitely get through this...especially the next 7 months or so as he get adjusted to his job...

man, 7 months, that's a long time...11 days apart is a long time...

now don't get it twisted ...I do NOT regret my decision (life is too short for regrets)

he is a good guy...we could honestly grow together, we have a lot in common but enough about us is different that we are constantly learning from each other, we talk, laugh, joke, do the dozens...

but man...can I really be a corporate girlfriend? this is going to require a lot of trust? but i do trust him, i couldn't be with him if I didn't (been there done that...no point)

i know what it is i am having a moment...i am sitting here thinking and missing him and having a moment...i am definitely going to be patient, understanding and supportive just like i said i would...

i just needed to get this out...this is the first time that i have been in this situation, my last "real" relationship was long distance and i just got used to NOT seeing him, but i am older now and need attention and time spent with that special someone in my life...but if that special someone is going to be in corporate ameriKa then that means that i have to get used to this...used to be home alone, used to depending on the phone...that's a lot to get used to...

to be continued....definitely

...any tips, hints, input on this one?

I joined....

yes after much debate adn everyone asking me I finally did it, I joined...not what you are thinking...

cause ain't NO WAY I am joining that site...

but I did finally join FACEBOOK...

so there...

off to the woods I go...

but i feel like i have sooo much to do right now today....
i can't leave work, not just yet because i have so much that i need to do...
two more systems that i need to develop and put into place...man this is truly deep...
hopefully i will get out of here by 6pm...
i still need to go to pay a bill, i want some Nike boots for the weekend and a hoodie and shirt...
i also want to stop past best buy and see what digital cameras they have on sale so that i can take some pics...
if i don't get one now i will never get one...

oh, yea back the woods...
our annual Kiamsha Conference is this weekend...well this year we are calling it Kiamsha Leadership Retreat...we aren't taking any outside youth, just OUR youth so that we can bond with them and work on their leadership skills...i am really looking forward to it...i actually always do...

so we leave bright and early tomorrow morning and don't return until Saturday night...
_____________________________________________________________

this mornings conversation was EXTREMELY refreshing...
it was really wonderful that i didn't have to ASK you to take me and pick me up for the Kiamsha trip, but that you wanted to, KNOWING that would mean you meeting my youth and my mentors...you are a brave dude...those people will eat you ALIVE...lol
but that's only because they love me! I am sure that they will like you....you are such a likable dude...

too bad they won't meet you because you now have to go out of town for your job...

our conversation this afternoon was as equally special to me...you thought that i would be upset that you will be gone for 11 days...but its cool you gotta do what you gotta do...i will be here...we'll talk daily and we'll work it out...if we need to make date nights during the week then that's what we have to do...

____________________________________________________________

people on my job still stressin me out...not the job....people
got a lot more work to do...
but its really that "special" person her that gets under my skin...man...really
but hey today is my Friday so why trip
_____________________________________________________________

i have to go to court on monday to testify against the folks that broke into my apartment in november. now why is it that i got to go and testify...these bamas already know where i live...i must be honest and say i don't feel comfortable with this...but hey i gotta go

______________________________________________________________

all in all life is chill people...life is chill...

looking forward to the youth
looking forward to me and him bonding on yet another level while he is away...
looking forward to bonding with me...
looking forward to just being...

Peace people

Excuse me...

....is the line that the brother spoke as I crossed the street on my way back to my office this afternoon...

so I looked up at him...seems respectful enough...but I kept walking all at the same time...


"we are sale-ing numbers today..."

You know I am looking at him like he is crazy now right...out the corner of my eye because I never stopped walking...

"but for you....I'll give you my number for FREE"

ya'll I hollered right there on G Street downtown DC at lunch time, I just burst into laughter I couldn't help it...

mind you the entire time he is talking I never stopped walking...and he is just a talking and following me back...I am cracking up so hard that the brother sitting outside at a cafe drinking his espresso couldn't help but laugh too...

and this bama is steady walking behind me talking...and I am steady laughing....

"I mean whats your name...you don't want my number...."

the whole nine...now, even if I wasn't in a relationship, YOU still wouldn't have got the number and definitely wouldn't have taken yours either...but still I mean geezy peezy...

do you really think that tired 1985 line was going to work on me...puh leeze....
how about NOPE don't think so
side note: see brothers THIS is EXACTLY women mean mug ALL the friggin time...its situations like the one that happened...that makes us just feel like, cot d@g it can't even look back at ya....bamas just take that and run wit it


Whew chile that was funny I mean that was too funny....
I thought I would share...
Have a HAPPY Monday!

Flaws & All

Ok, so many of you didn't like the Still in Love vid (see below)
but many said that the liked the Flaws...one...
I must admit that I really like this song...
it too moved me, not to tears this time (Dane...lol)
but I think it shows her having more personality to usual....

well enjoy people

Energy

Do not continue to provide more energy to your fears. Instead, take the energy from your fears and turn it toward positive purpose.

There is nothing to be gained by giving additional energy to your anger. Take the energy from your anger, and direct it toward creative, fulfilling action.

Whatever you focus upon, whether it is positive or negative, you provide with additional energy. Whether you love it or hate it, whether you long for it or fear it, your focus and attention will make it more powerful in your life.

There can be large amounts of energy in your fears, your angers, and your frustrations. The thing to do with all that negative energy is not to add to it, but to apply it toward your most positive purposes and most treasured desires.

If you truly wish to avoid something, be careful not to nourish it with your focus and your energy. Find something else to move toward, and keep that positive goal at the center of your awareness.

In each moment, you can choose where to focus your attention and your energy. Seek to keep your focus as positive as possible, and you'll move steadily in the direction of your dreams.
-- Ralph Marston

so we have been hearing a lot about the Secret since its been on Oprah (you know how that woman does, can make you or break you...LOL...gotta love O)

but the point is, that if you live in fear, or you carry around anger all the time, then that's what you life will produce...reasons to be fearful, reasons to be anger

We all have a choice in terms of how we want to live our lives and what type of energy that we want to put out there into the universe...so I say to you, be positive, think positive, look at life as an opportunity to make the BEST out of everything...

No it isn't always easy, and yes it can sometimes be scary...but you know if you are going to live, live it to the fullest...Keep GOD first and TRUST in HIM and HIS will for your life...

Side note: don't be afraid of love, and of living...we all have career moves to make and goals to accomplish, but if you don't stop and smile sometimes, enjoy the flowers and the sun...then once you make that VP position and you go home at night to just you, then what...

Life is so much more than making it to the top, so much more than the almighty dollar, so much more than material things and being recognized by the world...so much more than being afraid of the unknowns, like loving someone...like loving yourself, like honestly being happy....

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly-unconditionally, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Life is about the journey...never loose sight of that...

Still in love

So there has been a bum rush of B (Beyonce) this week because her deluxe CD dropped yesterday that includes a video anthology...and VH1 Soul and MTV Jams have been showing all of her videos...

KC even did a blog about it, to which I have made my feelings clear about all of the vids...I agree with mikesee when he states they all look like they were done in ONE day with the same basic concept...but this song...

This song, brought tears to my eyes literally...

maybe because my relationship is growing and everything and there are all these feelings bubbling up inside of me...

But anyways...check out the vid...



now that is what i am talking about...the singing, the song, the lyrics, the music, the emotion....and its a take on one of my all time favorite songs....so to me this is just beautiful....


UPDATE:
here is the original!
This IS totally awesome & beautiful and you can understand why J, was so adoment about people understanding that the original was much better and is a timeless classic!
and I agree...I still think B does a decent job...

the total rAndomneSS (III)

so I really like doing these random items because you know...it just lets me get stuff off my chest...cause its my house and I can say what I feel right..right!

• allergies are seriously kicking my butt...i have them year round but these particular allergy season is serious
• ok so what if I get on your nerves, NEWS FLASH...you truly get on my nerves too
  but its ok...like you said, you still my baby...and this much is true
• man i haven't seen you in almost two weeks...I hope i remember what you look like
• you know i really enjoy getting to know you, its like you are one of my best homies...we can talk about anything...everything...i actually like you...as a person I like you...
• truth is, men are just as sensitive if not more, than women...but again, i like you...
• i mean i actually watched the final four games with you (via phone since you were out of town) ONLY because i know how much you love Georgetown-your Alma Mater and how much you love basketball...yea i like you
• i promised myself that I was going to get back into the gym as of April 1st, and I did it! YES...I don't think I want to lose weight so much as I want to tone up and just be physically fit...despite the media and popular opinion...I enjoy being "thick" its alright with me...i could stand to go down a size or two...but i honestly love my curves and don't want to lose that
• you know that brings me to another point...I am totally alright with me, why is it that people feel the NEED to say stuff like "well your mother is 'thick' so you are bound to be 'thick'"...what you are really trying to say is because my mother is heavy i will be heavy so just face it...oh how skinny folks have the nerve sometimes...they don't mean any harm, but really who told you that I wasn't happy with my size...oh, that's right YOU did...bug off and go and eat something...(I know right i am OFF the HOOK)
• i just think that too much emphasis is put on weight...you know...i mean because i have been a size 6/8 my freshman year of college, and i looked sick, literally like i was on something...my mom was like "chile EAT"
• my brother still gets on my ever lasting nerves...dude you are 35, GROW UP already
• i enjoyed the service last night, truly something that was a total new experience and makes me want to learn more
• you ever notice how much more positive you are when you go to church on Sunday or you pray or you read a scripture...its like you have that protection around you...and you just keep pressing forward
• i am looking for to Sunday service...I know that it will be packed at church but i look forward to the blessing..
• why am i so friggin hungry at 11:30am...geesh
• ok so i think i have my gym schedule down, Sun, Tues, Thurs, Fri/Sat...I might just go all weekend though...they say you are supposed to workout 5 times a week to lose weight and 3 times a week to maintain...so i am thinking 4 times a week to lose some, but not much and to tone is a good look right...
• i got assigned more responsibilities at my job...that's a good sign right? my 90 days will be up on the 8th of this month...so i guess it'll be time for my review....
• my Dad is doing so much better...his meds have been adjusted and he is doing good...happy about that...
• i have cornrows now...i know i know...i can't keep my hair in one style to save my life...lol...but with my hair being natural i needed to put it up since i started to work it out....
• my line sister is expecting and got engaged...happy about that...that makes 3 weddings next year so far...i still am in one in June and have one to attend in May...geeze...you gals are killing my pockets...
• again i guess its just that season in our lives...after 25 everyone seems to be getting married
• man i'll be 27 this year...3 years to 30...man...i think i need to really sit down and write out the goals that i want to reach before i reach 30... like do i want to get my second masters....like what things in MY life can I work towards...
• certain people, or should i say those who are judgemental and self righteous to the extreme, get on my nerves...i encounter 1 every day...and she is starting to bother me...and she is a "christian" but has something to say about EVERYONE...i want to yell "ah HELLO, that's not the Christian thing to do..." but you know whatever...

ok so i think i am done...nothing more really to talk about...just random stuff that has been on my mind...

nothing major, I am in a good mood, life is good, everything is good...and I am happy with ME...

Stay up people...

Peace