ti RED

it doesn't make any sense how tired i am right now
NONE what so ever
absolutely does NOT

i am tired

so tired
i am seeing RED

i need these next 4 hours to zoom past
go so fast that i look up and its 2

working all week long
yes you read that correct!
working Christmas eve
on christmas
AND
acting like its nothing new and going and doing all things holiday with family friends has me tiRED
AND
i still need to wash and start packing for my family because we leave for his folks house on Friday
*deep sigh*
i need a bREAK
an absolute BREAK
that includes absolutely NOTHING

but a beach and i don't even like the beach

LOL

this is a lot

everything i needed

NOPE
this will NOT be another post about love and marriage and motherhood and all things flowers and roses and sunshine and butterflies

WHY?
because i realize how i am becoming all the women that THIS tumbler page is talking about

and some of the things she says on this page at one point or another i have thought, ok not most things, but still it makes the point

but NOW i am that married woman, with a kid, that thinks everyone wants to hear about it

*side eyeing myself* TWICE

i mean i am SURE people read my blog posts and some folks like it and comment
but i am almost sure other people have come and said, well what in DA HECK happened to her?

if it wasn't no love life
now its been all about the love life
being engaged
getting married
and being sick

geesh

*side eye again of EPIC proportions*

i constantly have funny things to discuss but honestly recently it all revolves around my husband, my son, my job and the rest is just plain ignant and it shouldn't be said out loud
why?
because the lawd is still working on me
HA
that's my truth

anyTways
i sat and just went through literally 11 pages of the above tumbler page and said
OMG that's me
I am that married, mom who seems to ONLY talk about those things
FOR SHAME

i was going to blog today about losing my former last name and how traumatic that was for me
then i thought well others maybe can't wait to do that, and who really cares but me
then i was going to blog about my son coming home last night after a week
but then that's really not interesting to anyone other than me who missed him like crazy, and wrapped presents like a crazy woman last night so everything would be done for him when he came home
but again, WHO CARES OTHER THAN ME!

geesh

i guess i just need to find a balance of this new life and continuing to find things that truly interest ME and make me move....
hmmmmm
what makes me move though?
right now, its in fact my family
but i gotta find myself again
i am T A C D
not just T or a C or a D
i am all 4 names, initials or WHATEVERRRRRRR

other than work
home
him
and him
what the HECK am i doing with myself anymore

there's still some Kiamsha stuff
but really i have just been focused on my household

its important
its what moves me
its special

but geesh
what the HECK else do i have going on

in short

i need to get me some business

really i do!

a man's commitment

so last night when i was at a table of women at an event called "tea & treats"

i had an AH HA moment of epic portions

men do NOT fully commit to any woman until they make her their WIFE

i'll repeat that again

MOST MEN are NOT going to fully commit themselves to a woman until she becomes his WIFE

so then that posses the question or several:
 why do women give EVERYTHING to a man before marriage? do we do it because our sense of commitment starts with the initial notion of exclusive or bf/gf? do we think if we aren't giving our all that we won't ever get to marriage?

i personally think its the fact that we believe in our hearts that in order to even GET to marriage we have to give all that we have to the man we decide to be with.
well again why?
because most of us don't date to date, we date to marry
that's what we were taught
so we give everything we have to the man that we allow in our lives

back to the ah ha

last night when i got home from the event, i asked my husband was my assessment correct
and his answer was in short YES
now for those that don't know our story my husband and i dated from 1999 to early 2005 and then got back together in 2010

me: does a man not fully commit until he gets married?
him: huh?
me: a man doesn't fully commit himself to a woman until he marries her?
him: YES a man doesn't give his all until he is married
me: Why?
him: because i may give  to a woman, as a man i may do for a woman, but as a man i would NEVER do for a woman  like i am going do for and give to my wife, my WIFE gets all of me, everything i have above and beyond, a man doesn't just give his all to any woman
me: so not even a girlfriend or fiance
him: NO its not until you become my WIFE that i will give you EVERYTHING i have, it's just not going to happen
me: well did you always know i was going to be your wife?
him: Yes

well dag on sir you may have saved a many of my single girls a lot of worry with that one answer!

he wasn't talking about cheating or any of that, he's not saying that if you have a bf/fiance he's going to do him
NO
i am not talking about cheating or expecting a man to do him unless he's your husband
what i am talking about is the heart to heart connection, the vulnerability, the spiritual connection, the acts of service, being totally engrossed and into this ONE person, a man doesn't do any of that until he gets married, where we as women give ALL those things to the man we are with, we are in the relationship with because we can SEE the end game of marriage so to get there we think we have to do and give all of that BUT a man, he won't even THINK of giving all of that to a woman unless she is in fact HIS WIFE

I will say, our relationship, though ALWAYS close has NEVER been as close and as intense, as open and honest as it has been since we have gotten married. There are things i have learned about this man in the last 2 months that i didn't know in the last 12/13 years. there is an openness that we share that allows him to pretty much tell me what a man truly thinks and feel, specifically what he thinks and feels

when a man decides to get MARRIED his mind goes to another level in terms of what commitment means and stands for

so then that leads to the question, how will anyone EVER get married if BOTH people aren't fully vulnerable and ready to give their all until the make it AFTER the alter

well you court!
that's the answer
you develop a friendship and discover your similarities and grow to like one another
you determine early on if you two are able to work together or not
if NOT you move on
because you weren't completely vulnerable with this person, it will allow you to discern early on if this will work or not and allow your heart to heal more easily

now if everyone is doing this, how many folks are you courting before you move on?
it shouldn't be that many!
why because you LISTEN to yourself early on, you pay attention to the flags as you chit chat and you allow folks to disqualify themselves, because a man will tell you and show you his intentions from the beginning

i honestly could have saved myself a couple of hard situations to get over had i known this, because looking back and now knowing this i know they weren't even interested in being MY husband, totally could be for someone else but definitely not for me

these are just my thoughts
its easier said than done
its hard out here dating
and with all the ups and downs we have had i was truly fortunate to marry someone i have known since i was a young woman who truly was willing to work with me and love me for me, flaws and all

that's another AH HA moment

he said he ALWAYS knew i was supposed to be his wife

a man knows, and when he knows, sometimes it may take a while to get there (5 years apart in my case), but he'll come for YOU the woman
HE will come for YOU

so in short: women could save themselves a LOT of heartache if we learned to reserve our full hearts, minds, bodies and spirits for husbands the way men reserve things for their wives
What do you think?

DISCLAIMER: when i refer to us/we in terms of women in this post I am talking about the women in MY life, including myself, this is NOT to be a blanket statement for all women everywhere. ALSO, these are MY thoughts and not inclusive to ALL MEN, some men can give and be totally vulnerable and open to a woman who isn't their wife

the power in prayer

a lot of times we don't tend to really pray until our backs are against the wall

i am no different

yesterday, while sitting at work and reading "the power of a praying wife" the resounding theme behind praying wasn't praying for your husband to do this or that

but praying that YOU, I, the WIFE began with praying for yourself to change

so many times its
well if he would just listen more
if he would just be more affectionate
if he would focus more
if he would have more initiative around the house
if he did.... you fill in whatever your issue is with your husband

but the reality is, in order for things to change you must first begin with you!

most times when you have issues with your husband you have a spirit of resentment, anger, or whatever your issue is
and when you have those issues is

YOU ARE BLOCKING CHANGE

so how do you unblock change with starting with yourself
a husband may be more inclined to do more, be more affectionate, do more around the house, when you are in fact a little sweeter a little nicer more considerate of his time and space

am i changed over night?
ahhhhh NO

NOT AT ALL

but i DO recognize where things start with me because i can only control myself and i can only PRAY that he turns to the most HIGH for direction and wisdom to deal with me and our family and with understand the man/husband he can be

and once you pray about all of this, the power of peace you feel is completely amazing
i recommend it there is truly power in prayer