being a wife and mother

...there is something about those two words that bring me the greatest joy and the greatest fear that i've ever felt

the love and joy that you feel as a wife and a mother is something you can't put into words
you just can't

but it's also one of the scariest things i have ever felt
God does not give us a spirit of fear
but i have it
if they are gone and it's raining i just start praying
i am constantly praying for their safety and safe return home

as a wife i need to be a help mate and let him lead, even when i can't see the outcome
that is scary, because that means putting total trust in another human being, to do the right thing, or the best thing all the time...it requires a blind faith, that's why choosing a man of God is so important because i you are trusting in him, you have to trust that he's trusting in God and praying and meditating as much as you are
there's the fear of losing myself
i have been on my own for a long time
i have also always been the only girl and the youngest
so developing my own person, my own personality has been something that i have really worked hard to do

i have worked hard in life to get where i am
and to be ok where i am and now that process must start all over again
and add two please

two people

and the wanting to be a GOOD wife and i really mean being a GOOD wife
someone who is supportive and understanding
loving and gentle
firm but soft
warm and inviting
and strong but not overbearing

that's a lot of things for one person to be
i was raised by one of those women
but i fought so hard NOT to be this woman that depended on a man
and as a matter a fact
my parents BOTH raised me to NOT depend on a man
that not depending on a man, made me a tad hard and so a lot of the soft virtues that a wife and mother has to have are things that i am constantly in prayer about

now the other word MOTHER
that word
so beautiful
having a child love you, and love you like no other
yesterday i was upset, due to health issues wondering if i'll have another child...we have one beautiful little boy, but i have always wanted another child, and when seeing me cry, this little person, comes up to me and says, "it's ok mom, don't cry, what is it, does your stomach hurt" and begins to rub it
he's THREE!
that love you can't even put into words
but the worry
is he ok during the day
is he getting all he needs from the school he's in
is he warm
did he take his allergy meds
are kids being mean to him
like you have another person who you are completely and totally responsible for!
my mother was a GREAT example of that as well
and she was also great in that she made sure i was around other women who were GREAT at being a wife and a mother

it's one of those things, you just don't want to fail at
you can't fail at
but you have two other people who you have to work with and so you may fail at it
and failure has NEVER been an option for me

the fact that being a wife and a mother is partial under my control, but not totally is the "issue" if you will

i am excited!
it's a new phase in life
not a final phase
but the phase of who to love is over
the process of loving is always going be a journey

but life is a journey right, not the destination
it's about living right?

just going to do my best and use the next 45 days to pray and grow and dig deep into myself so that i am giving the best that i got!

ehhhhh

wish that's how i truly felt
but annoyed is more like it
i think i need to blog more just to, well say what is going on
i remember when blogging was at it's height between what 2006-2008
we would all communicate and share or not
but you felt a sense of community in blog land
people cared
friendships were built
all cyber but nonetheless built
some friendships didn't grow
some beef actually was established and people called out
but at it's height blogging was everything that was, well what us bloggers started blogging for in the first place

now things have changed and although some blogs stay true to what they started for
others have evolved into something else

and it's the right of the blog and the blog world to change
even my blog has changed and become more about love than trying to find love
or more about nothing since my blogging is so none consistent
everything is just all over the place

and that's how i feel right now
that it's all, all over the place

ehhhhh

been a min...randomness

it's been almost two months since i've blogged
a lot has happened
some good
some bad
some indifferent
hospital stays tend to be bad, my stay was indifferent, you just don't get rest in the hospital
you need to come home to rest
the good was that it was cancer
the bad it's still graves
reality is that i am on heart medication and therefore have to learn to not stress

HA!
i find that laughable when planning a wedding and being under 60 days to Wday
i find that laughable when there is a 3 year old running around that needs love, care, and the very best, it's true the love and joy and heartbreak and pain are one in the same for a parent
i find that laughable when i work where i work and i do what i do
that means that i may need to consider a career change
which will mean that i will probably need to really re-up my resume

i need a job that will allow me to work from home on at least a day a week

i haven't sat in the dark on my bed with just me and the laptop lady and music in a while
and i am digging it

raheem devaughn is currently playing...his first two albums are still classic to me
with so much going on the dark with just the lil light
with all the health changes have come a lifestyle change
i don't eat red meat or pork, but not it seems that some seafoods are high in iodine and pretty much i don't need that...so i am trying a lot of vegan options because i also don't eat anything containing lactose
with heart medication being added to the mix that means no more drinking no more cigars
not that i am a lush
but i do like my drank and my cigar
especially if i have a bad day...whelp that means i need to figure out how to deal with a bad day while watching my stress level

so i have found myself praying more and more...just talking and processing a lot in that quiet dwelling place
SN: weird to say that after talking about dranking

but the point is being raised in church and loving GOD doesn't mean that you fully or actively pursue a relationship with him...some years have been better than others some months, moments, but for the past month or so i have had no choice but to really dig deep, deeper than i have in a long time...not because i am sick but because i have to deal and you can't talk to people about what is going on with you
you can, but they got their own stuff, they have their own life, issues, whatever...
so i find myself in the house and when i get a quiet moment i take it...
that makes me feel better

i don't know...i am at peace but not really
way to much left to do
every day i try to do something else so that i can say ok that's done
it's just the little things you know

overwhelmed

my bridal shower is coming up and i am excited about it
didn't think i would be
but the dress that one of my MOHs picked for me to wear has me excited
total 50s glam
it's going to be different and i am happy about that

i am now also a stan for the artist Daley...dude is dope...those who wait...

i need some more new good music something to help me soothe my soul
never take your health for granted something as simple as a heart that functions correctly
something like being able to walk without getting tired or short of breathe...

take your moments and take your place in this world