as soon as

you get yourself together something comes along to test if you are really as far along as you thought

so based on the the last post its a known fact that the years i am IN a relationship i don't blog as much, hence this year

well here i am just going through my life and being in love and all that GREAT stuff and BAM
here comes the ex, we'll call him G, trying to contact me

so i get a FB message this morning (it was sent last night) stating that he has been looking for me for a while and that he decided to go back through his messages in FB and saw me there and sent my message...the reason for him wanting to talk to me is that he wanted to apologize for the way that he carried things (i do tend to get carried at the end of relationships) and that it wasn't me it was him, he was bugging it was him

so of course i appreciated it and thanked him

now here comes the kicker, he wants to see me

and honestly, i want to see him too...why, for no other reason than hell i still look GREAT ok well good and for my ego purposes i would like to see what he has to say

i in NO way want to be with this man again, EVER
he put me in a box, he was the guy that made me feel like as soon as i wasn't in his box anymore he wouldn't care about me anymore...furthermore, i have someone that really LOVES me

ok because let me be real about some thannnnnngggggssssss:
i am not a size 6, add some numbers to that...
i am not the sweetest person, i can be but please believe
i can be rather mean
i can be loud
i can be moody
i can be emotional
i can be sensitive
i can be strong
but i can also be weak
i am loving
but i am also stern
i can come off as cold and not interested at times
or sometimes i can be WAYYYY Y to needy of attention and affection

but the man that i have now, he GETS me, and he deals with me, even when i honestly do NOT even feel like dealing with myself...despite my up and down ways...

he loves me
he isn't perfect
he isn't tall
or have a lot of the superficial things that a lot of women may find attractive

but he loves me
he gets on my nerves and i KNOW get on his

but he loves me

and furthermore he wants to be married and have kids

so as much as i would like to see G just to hear what he had to say, and so he could see just how over his butt i am, it serves NO purpose in the larger scheme of things

i know it would bother my him, not because he doesn't trust me (we have talked about it, i have no secrets) even though any man would be a little like why do you need to see him, his thing is if i jump up and see him it makes it come off like dude has room- space and he doesn't

soooooooo

the current and FUTURE man in my life...matters more than my personal ego and so today i make the big girl decision to put him and US first

single...rAdomneSS

i blog more when i am single

that's just the honest truth

if you look at the side bar and the numbers from the past years...the years with the most blog posts are from when i am single

things seem so much more stressful when you are single, you feel like you have more of the world on your shoulders when you are single, you don't feel like you matter as much when you are single...

ironically, i am also my most driven when single, like i am trying to prove my importance to those who are around me...waving..hey look at me i have something to contribute to the world to society

when i am in a relationship i tend to focus on that and whatever else i have going on, like work or school and i put myself on the back burner

funny thing is i am sitting here and i just noticed it looking at the side myself like when i am with someone i don't blog as much

another funny thing is that when i am with someone i tend to have as much to say as single but its more so relationship stuff

so either i am blogging about wanting to be in one or not blogging because i am in one but don't want to talk about it "in public"

crazy times in deed i think because that's ridiculous to me

why does everything have to be about love and life and not just about life, why as a woman can't i just focus and find the balance of being a woman why must it always be around a man or wanting a man? i know why, i even know why biblically (thanks to Mrs. C) but still its frustrating to say the least

i need to figure some things out about myself...i am sitting here tired as ever because i haven't really slept since Friday night, i am exhausted about to pass out at my desk and the one thing that i find time to blog about is the fact that i blog more when i am single than when i am not

GEESH LADY

i come off about as deep as a tic

alas at least i can admit it

maybe my insightful BOLD days are over

maybe i am meant to be a mom and a wife and just boring or is it a wife and a mom and boring

but i don't want to be boring i want to live my life and enjoy it

WHY is the finding the balance SO hard

maybe i don't need to find anything but happiness that's all i need is to be happy and as you can from the previous post a sista is none to happy to not have power and not being able to sleep in my bed, having to put my dog up in a kennel for 7 days because i don't know where i'll be or any of that other CRAP that is currently goings on in my life due to the power outage
then age a LD relationship to the mix, work, school, life, allergies

yea

uggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

ok back to the post

so i am going to find the time to tap into myself and my innermost feelings and be ok with it if i am single or not because at the end of the day, i came into this world alone and i'll go out alone, hopefully i won't spend any more time on earth alone, but i should never see myself as alone anyways

..and another one

here is another reason, to add to my list of reasons for being completely OVER the
DMV

the local electric company, that begins with a P, majorly SUCKS

how is it that half of my neighborhood is without power and the other half isn't suffering...

and might I add we are going on 48 hours here with NOTHING

it makes absolutely NO sense at all to me

I get that we are on different grids and things but COME ON

oh because i own a single family home, not a condo, or i don't live in an apartment, or i am not a school soooo i don't matter

see this is what bothers me, we are the freaking NATION'S CAP and we aren't EVER ready for snow, sleet, hell even bad rain, let alone a hurricane

so i shall add this to my list of reasons why i am ready to leave and here's the thing I don't even know where i want to go anymore, i just know i want to leave!

because i have no power i was hot because i was hot i was uncomfortable because i was uncomfortable i couldn't sleep i haven't slept all weekend...because of course i didn't sleep during the hurricane because it was mad crazy son

so anyways...just another thing to add to the list of reasons why the DMV is becoming an overrated experience that i have lived through enough years of my life (all 31 of them) and now its time for something different

Atlanta is out because it too is overrated
Chicago is an option
NYC is out because it is overrated
Charlotte is an option
Houston is out because its to darn hot
Philly has always been an option
Baltimore is out because well its baltimore
LA is out because well its LA

I don't know but i am not looking for work anywhere other than HERE

and i am ok with NOT staying with this agency either

I definitely want to stay working for the gobement but i am cool with somewhere else

i mean i would have loved to have a telecommuting option today and the day after the earthquake

and i mean COME ON i get trying to make a point by not closing us down but seriously you could have closed us today folks don't have leave to be using all willy nilly like that for this

let us NOT forget i have not one but TWO parents that both have caner so a day off to deal with the no power situation would have been much appreciated! imjustsaying

yep as you can see i am over it

but it seems like all management has been made aware of us not working today so i shall float through my work day praying the power is back on by the time i get home and knowing that if it isn't i am going UP to one of their offices and acting a monkey fool period!

but all in all life is good but i am just ready to go like not now but right now! so i need to work on my patience of things becuase i am ready to get to getting

frustration

that's what it boils down to right now
frustration oh and being broke

oh how i wish i could be a professor or a teacher and could make the money that i need to make to survive because although i know that with every job comes some sort of issue or two or three

the ones here are getting under my skin

i was NEVER a "system" or "big machine" girl

but the politics of it all is getting to me and i don't like it

honestly if i could figure out how to pay all my bills OFF and not work I truly would

then to top it off it just always seems like there is an issue at home

i am also frustrated with my living arrangements and want to go, like I honestly just want to go far far away from here

i am over the rat race in DC
hell i am over the race period

i just wanna go do my job and go home
i am over a lot of things a LOT
so i am frustrated and i need to get it together so i can get out of not just one but BOTH of these situations
seriously
if you feel like you are getting hit on multiple sides all the times and can't find peace its time for a change