the maybe its me rAdomneSS list

i mean maybe its just me but when someone is trying to plan something for you it might be nice for you to actually chill out and let them do just that plan it for you...you know they do actually love you and respect you and want the BEST for you...

but maybe its just me...

i mean maybe i don't' want you cursing me out and the fact that you are a homeless person doesn't mean that i won't turn around and have it become the crazy v crazy match of the year...i ain't gonna keep letting it ride because you missed your meds today...it ain't right to curse people out and just talk to people, mainly STRANGER any kind of way...

but maybe its just me...

i mean maybe you really had absolutely no right or even human decency to NOT let that man go in and see his mother-in-law as she took her last breathes...you barely let her child get to her side, and by the time he finally got inside she was gone, but you are supposed to be here to protect and serve...i think the PD can sometimes be the most ruthless GANG of them all...sometimes

but maybe its just me

i mean maybe you aint got to stare all hard and stuff, say something...women do respond to HELLO and not your eyes just undressing them

but maybe its just me

u mean maybe i just want a career that will allow me to be creative and build something that i really want to build and work with young people, maybe i don't want a "gobment" job because it might just end up being just that a job...so you mean i can't be happy AND secure all at the same time, its one or the other...NOPE i reject that philosophy...

but maybe its just me

i mean maybe people are just plain old reckless out her with theirs they don't care who they hurt or what they do, so maybe you don't need to just off the break be sleeping with folks and you BARELY even really know who they are...you know like where they live, who their family is all that type of stuff...if you haven't had family introductions or conversations about being in a "committed" relationship maybe just maybe you should lock it up..or how about really wait until somebody (forget a ring) put some papers ON IT...and then see....

but maybe its just me....

hell i mean maybe you at least got a 90 day probationary period on your freaking job and it takes about 6-8 months to become fully acclimated to a position, you mean it won't at least take you that long to become acclimated to a person...

but maybe its just me....

i mean maybe i am tired of being broke being broke aint not joke, well not really broke and not really even feeling the recession, i am blessed but don't ever get it twisted i am still struggling real life is hard as hell

but maybe its just me...

i mean maybe you gotta grow and learn and live and get some years to be wise to really know yourself...but hey you can't tell everyone that...and people don't seem to listen..but hell TELL ME....

but maybe its just me...

hey i love people and will always be there for those that i truly care about and love, but hell i am tired, cranky and lonely too sometimes, you know checking on me from time to time would be a little nice...

but aw hell in the end maybe its just ME

working my way back

so i am finally working my way out of this "moment of funk" and i figured out what makes me really feel centered and at peace and calm...
i figured out the ONE thing that really helps me push all the stress of the day out of my body, mind and spirit...

WORKING OUT!!! That's right working out does so much for me...last night i kicked it up a notch and i really enjoyed the program, it includes yoga at the end...can we say YES! I have been looking for a yoga for beginners class (still am) but this helps a LOT

so there it is, every day i MUST no matter what find the time and the space for ME to do something for ME...

so yea i am working my way back working out helps give me focus, energy and helps me to do something just for ME which is important especially at a time when i feel like all i do is stuff for everyone else...

still off

yes people i am still off balanced...

i think its because i am being pulled and a million + 1 directions with no real purpose rhyme or reason i don't like my life being so hectic...i don't like feeling like i am not being as productive as i should be

...and it MUST STOP

i gotta find balance and streamline my life or I am going to lose it...working out at the end of the day helps, it helps me release the tension but if i don't focus during the day the stress keeps building up because nothing is getting done as it should

i know i need a break its just a matter of me finding the time to take one and just chill the hell out some where...

i gotta get my barrings like NOW

don't get me wrong in the grander scheme of life and things its good...but me being THIS BUSY is a problem because NOW i don't want to be bothered with people and that's not even me...i need to refocus my energy and learn to say NO

i gotta figure out what i really want to do and then do it...and not just try to be all these things...its not working anymore not when its all hitting at once...meeting late and then the next day i can't even focus at work, my energy is down...i can't do it...i just can't...and i have to set some boundaries for me...and i am going to do that

a day

that's what i am having...maybe its a couple of days...mainly because i just don't feel like my happy normal self...
i feel tired i feel drained i feel like my drive is beginning to slow down, but maybe its because i am feeling burnt out...i think that's it...i have been burning it at both ends of the candle stick and now i am just plain old tired...

so what do i plan to do about this? get me some rest!
i have nothing on my schedule this weekend and i plan to keep it that way...oh i take that back i am going to 'belly dancing class' saturday morning with my Aunt and dinner Friday night with my cousin and her mom & sister and my mom...oh my home boy said he might come up this weekend and be in the area, i told him to holla at me...

DAG ON IT! What happened to my nothing weekend...

i was doing well with the workout, okay i have only missed two days but still that's not good i need to remain focused on the Kanye workout plan...don't hate...i am in two wedding this summer i keep telling folks i will NOT be the FAT bridesmaid...speaking of which i sure hope people respond to my meeting request for the bridal shower meeting

two doctors in two days...not fun not fun at all people...but hey i told you before i wasn't feeling like myself...CLEARLY i am not

i know saturday after dance class imma go home and chillax it on out...well after i clean and all the other crap you have to do on saturday...lol...then i'll do absolutely NOTHING...lay on the sofa and watch tv and that's it and that's all

church is a MUST on sunday and family dinner which is normally early so i can then go back home and do nothing...you notice a pattern right, yes NOTHING is the key to my weekend...how did a weekend of nothing turn into a weekend of events in the matter of a few lines...geeze...

stuff always seems so last minute in certain in certain aspects of my life...
i need to learn the art of saying NO, NO that doesn't make sense NO I am not emotional about it, actually YOU are the emotional one you just aren't used to and don't like it when others say something in contrast to what you are saying...CLASSIC

i need balance right now i just really really need balance...life is good but its starting to spin a little away from me and i have GOT to pull it back, starting with me getting some much needed rest and having some much needed me time...

also cutting back on some relationships, some people again just don't care nothing about you...and it shows in the way that they treat you, talk to you or even act towards you...

i took a quiz today and my conclusion was this:
You may not be reveling in everything the world has to offer yet, but you're definitely on your way. The main reason? You believe you deserve the best. That's clear by the way you stand up for yourself without putting others down. Plus, you know how to put a positive spin no a bad situation-and kick a good thing to the next level. You welcome challenges, are up for new experiences. Whether a matter of good home training, positive role models, or simply an inherently honest and open mind-set (maybe all three in collabo!), your healthy approach is already paying off. but as life gets more complicated (bigger job, wider social circle, more people relying on you), you'll need to be vigilant about priorities-putting yourself first while attending to the many demands that are placed on you. Set reasonable goals and take time to relax upon accomplishing them.

That right there especially the last part that is in BOLD is how i am feeling, don't get me wrong i know my little funk is just that a little a little funk and things will definitely get better but i just got as it said be VIGILANT in my priorities and be true to me...ya dig

Novel-I am

ain't if funny...

i sat last night and had a whole list of things "learned" thus far in my life...and i can't remember any of it..

but the one thing that i can say is the BEST lesson is that no one can love you better than you, and no matter how much you love you...GOD will always love you more...

one day when i am fully whole and i am really ready i know i'll know love again...but right now...i think i am going to focus on my first love

life observations

when i wake up early enough to workout i have a more positive attitude and have more energy...but i normally can't do that two days in a row...not just yet..

i can't seem to understand why people really want to be miserable in life...it really seems like that's how they look at life and want to be...i can't live that way...life is too short to just be sad all the time...

now don't get me wrong we all have our moments and i am NOT talking about people having a moment or two or three that happens to the BEST of us...

i am talking about our right NASTY people...it takes to much energy

i don't get why people still gossip and we are dag on near 30

i don't talk to certain people as much as i used to...some because we are all just busy and i know that when we pick up the phone or see each other nothing has changed...others because its just not the same and we simply have grown apart for whatever reasons...still mostly good folks just not in my inner circle...

do i really have an inner circle??? i have some people that are really close to me but that's just a few...i find myself hanging with my family more than friends...and the friends i do hang with are like family...

i am a dlisted person? what does that mean??? i am not the fly girl that gets invited to all the parties...i don't belong to a "group" of young professionals that hang out at certain spots on the regular basis and all know each other...

i kinda like being dlisted though...as much as i want to get out and meet new people, i feel safe in my little bubble all by myself...its drama FREE (and there is plenty of drama going on in these circles) and as much as i have been thinking about "dating" i am still not ready and honestly i really just don't have time to concern myself with anyone else's feelings

i love talking to people...talking about dreams and hopes and what they want to do with their lives...especially young people...

i need to revamp Kiamsha...like serious this summer i need to sit down and figure out what will make the senior year for those who started with us 4 years ago the BEST that they have ever had...but i am going to have to streamline my life...CLEARLY i can't do Kiamsha, Music & Morals and other meetings and speaking engagements...and the Board...i gotta sit and figure out what i really want to do and say this is what i am going to do this is it and this is all...you know practicing the art of NO

you know that saying, "its not what you know its how you know" its true...its making connections and knowing people that helps people move up in this life, its all about networking, but you can't only fake talent for so long so eventually you have to SHOW and PROVE so have the talent anyway...

why do people get on the train with music BLASTING on a phone or whatever withOUT headphones? i mean come on dude and you playing Gucci mane...seriously? naw you are a bama...

why does Jackie poo look HAWWT in the Jamie Foxx blame it video....i mean seriously i now hav a MAJOR crush on this dude...i am also diggin Mr. Jackson's swag in the video...man oh man...that's how my dad used to be before he got sick...just swag

the Senate voted to end the voucher program in DC...not so much a good idea...i have seen a lot of students do EXTREMELY well in charter schools that wouldn't have done well at all in public or traditional private schools...so much for the guarantee of good education for all...but maybe they will really work to make public schools creative and meet the needs of all students

a lot of young people that folks would love to classify as 'bad' or having "behavorial problems" are normally bored out of their minds and need more stimulation or they may need more one on one attention...

there is nothing wrong with admitting that you need help sometimes, its a sign of strength

eating heathly isn't really hard once you get used to it...

love is patient and love is kind is really the truth...relationships are hard work, but they aren't THAT HARD...that was a major lesson learned for me...and that applys to all relationships, romantic or friendship...

treating people like you want to be treated goes a long way and understanding that not everyone loves you and has your back takes you an even longer distance...but here is the key no matter what learning to accept people for who they are flaws and all is the most important piece...because in the end that all any of us want is just be accepted and respected for who we are...the good the not so good the bad and the ugly...

love live life proceed progress people

rAdomneSS...women's history month

ladies and gentleman...

here is the deal...

I GOT MY SWAGGER BACK...

even my interim ed was like, "you are still glowing" i guess when you feel like you are hitting your stride in your life it can really help you to get that swag...CLASSIC..

i just feel like i am FREE, i have freedom, i am doing work that i love and i have the opportunity to be creative...that's what life is really all about...now mind i am tired and i got bags under my eyes but as i walked pass the storefronts as i was coming into the office i just felt cute, i just felt this power from my inner gut...i felt this strength of my intelligence, my heart, most of all my soul

i felt like a WOMAN

that's a power we as women have is something i don't think we fully tap into, and this is the deal every single one of us has our own unique power that is distinctly for US...

i looked a picture of jill scott yesterday and her beauty just JUMPED from the page...that's how i feel like i know i am beautiful inside and out...the look in the eyes of young people when they smile at me because i took time to listen or the look in my nephews eyes last when i told him i loved him and happy birthday means more...or the look in my mother's eyes when i hug her and spend time with her and my father means more...

i am starting to see life in a totally different way...i am starting to see why people say you have NO idea who you are when you are a "youngin" and you don't...but all of those lessons help make you who you are and flaws and all i am starting to really really LIKE me....

its not a cocky thing at all because i still have plenty of growing to do, plenty of things to learn and much more to tap into...but man i am really loving ME...

i am loud
i like nice things
i like the flea market
i like my alone time with having NOTHING to do
i like being in the crowd
i like music live or on a CD
i like hanging with the girls
i like hanging by myself
i love shopping and finding unique pieces...
i like my style even when others don't get it...
i like to eat...
still learning how to cook, even though my momma can BURN
am anal about cluter and where people eat and do stuff in my house
am strong AND sensitve at the same time
i love children
i love the idea of marriage and one day want one, but
i love being single and unattached at the present time
i love working with youth
i enjoy my non-profit work

there are plenty of things i want to do from spening more time with my godchildren to travel...goals i want to reach things i want to do, but small steps and in time i'll get to all of it...

i remember that i was given an opportunity to apply for a position about a year or so ago, maybe even longer, i went through all of the test and background stuff only to hear nothing...and only to be given just in the last 2 months opportunities that people wait lifetimes to get...i say all that to say...we NEVER know where life is going to take us but we have the opportunity and responsiblity to make the best, the very best of our lives...and know that GOD truly does have your best interest...patience is truly a virtue that if you allow to come into your life will open doors for you

we must all respect the bigger goal of life and know that we are all here for a purpse and that purpose includes giving to others...who that "other" is will always be based on your indivudal gifts...tap into them my wonderful people...

so here's to appreciating who you are and where you are in life no matter WHAT...

Quote for the MONTH

Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it's thinking of yourself less

Unexpected move # 3-going back to school!

yep that's me...TC...mark this occasion...lol...

but seriously per the request of my homie in the A...here is my smile...which based on my conversation this morning with the admittance office of a local university, keeps getting brighter

I will be going back to school in 2009!

now don't get all excited i am not going back for my PhD or JD/MSW yet...gotta give that process a little more thought...but i am going to go back and get a graduate certificate...reason being is that i think or know rather that public health is my field now...its where i have been where imma be and so i need to get some letters...plus when you sit on a panel of folks and they got the friggin alphabet soup going, and all you got is 3 letters (don't get me wrong love my letters, love my accomplishments, and i am NOT getting DOWN on myself at all, just stating i gotta step my game up) especially in this field you gotta stay on the grind all the time

i am excited...can i be done by the time i am 30...i won't have a life, but i barely have a "life" now in terms of funning...but that's all to the good...

I found my smile again...

and guess who made me smile?

Me...well just me understanding me...

I have really had a wonderful beginning of 2009 so i figured that i share the smile
went to so many Black history events and had so many weekends full of activities that i still haven't caught up on any rest but dude i have had the time of my life...

one thing i have really realized is that although i am sensitive i am also driven...so anything that happens will only push me even more right now in my life...
let's see i have heard Michael Eric Dyson speak
the US Surgeon General-here is the thing with that, I actually sat on a panel with HIM...and did a presentation around body image for an obesity round table...i was also able to help about 30 inner city DC youth attend this round table and here is what one of them said:

"I liked TC & VC's presentations. The info has opened up my mind more into what i don't need to stress about and to feel great in my skin. Also, that I should be myself and be happy with how i look in shape, size and image."

now id that doesn't make you smile, then i don't know what will...i of course had to be critiqued about my presentation, but hey criticism helps you grow....and as soon as i came down off that high it was time for me to make my moves to b-more to help facilitate a "voices of the future" summit...I spent a day with some of the GREATEST minds in the DMV area...high school, college, grad school, young professionals...all bright and GREAT and OUR ideas will acutally help to shape the future of an organization and what it will do to recurit young and diverse audiences in their field...

but all of that makes me smile...all of it...working with young people makes me happy beyond belief its the ONE thing i know i do with ease and with all the love i have in my heart...its the ONE thing that will make me keeping pushing even when i feel like stopping...so yea i found my smile again!!!!

no maybe i have been finding it especially since i have been finding my stride lately...life is good and really rocks...its busy i am growing in every way and i am LOVING it...

now that doesn't mean i don't have growing pains, because i think we all do...but when you really sit back and see what it is that you have to offer and what makes you HAPPY and what DRIVES you...man oh man...that's a wonderful feeling...

dude i am just happy....

now to tactal the other objectives for 09...although me and GOD are walking i need to reconnect with the LOVE OF MY LIFE...and with him i'll hit on this weight and all the other things...

MAN i am loving my late 20s...i feel this womanhood thing fo real!