what I wouldn't give...

~to see him, or talk to him, or just look at him one last time

~to just go back to bed right now...man I am so tired, when you experience a death its totally a draining experience, especially when its a young person...still in high school, senior year...I am so not looking forward to the funeral on Saturday, that is going to be ONE OF THE MOST emotional events of my life...

~to take lunch right now, for some reason my stomach is on over time, and I am already hungry at 11:30 its just going to have to calm down until I go out and get something around 12:30/1:00pm...

~to just be in your arms right now...man have we had our ups and downs, but i guess that comes from us being so much a like, and yet so different all at one time...but I wouldn't trade all the head bumps for anything, it just seems to make an even stronger foundation for the relationship...these last two weeks have proven that much...so much stuff has just been coming left and right at us individually, all at once, but we still manage to hold it down for each other! You were the first person I was able to break down to, right there, to lift me back up...and although you get on my last nerve, I am beginning to feel like you complete the circle...we shall see

~to make sense of a mother giving up her rights to her children...and just walking away....as a woman I just can't understand it...but more importantly then that...

~to take those 3 little boys in my arms and let them know that EVERY thing is going to be alright...how do you explain, to a 5, 4, & 3 year old that their mother just couldn't handle being a mother anymore...that she had to go, and that although it may not make total and complete sense right now, in the long run its for the best...but I know in my heart it will hurt them for some time to come...

~again, to go back to bed...my body, my mind, my spirit is just tired...

~some of my mother's fried chicken...she knew I was going around the way last night to help out with stuff, but she didn't know that I had agreed to baby sit for someone AND that I would be out with my god-sister for hours, so I couldn't even get any of her fried chicken wings...that is a tragedy...

~to just hang out with my girls, hopefully next weekend...man two of my closest homies are moving OUT OF STATE this month...and I don't know what Imma do...I KNOW we will ALWAYS be in each others lives, BUT they are physically moving that's HUGE to me...one to Texas and another to South Carolina...this is so HUGE...man

~to be able to just hang out with my Dad, go out and just laugh and joke like we used to. You don't really "get" how important your parent's health really is until you watch them fade away right before your eyes...that's still my man though...we can still talk trash with the best of 'em...but man, to see him like that, don't take your parents/loved ones for granted people...you never know

but you know despite it all, I am blessed...its just one of those brief sessons in life...

I know that GOD doesn't put things on us that we can't handle...there is a life lesson in EVERY thing that we go through...and although you might not see it then and there, at the time...it will come to you...

so keep your head up folks...stay strong....stay positive...