Monday, May 19, 2014

hastagging and other jazz

it has been a cold minute since i have blogged
not because i don't want to blog
but simply because

1. blogger on my computer doesn't seem to format correctly
2. i have jive been busy

i remember when blogging was an escape
a place for me to be "heard" if by no one other than myself
and i really enjoyed that part of me, of my life...writing about what mattered most at a particular time
like the one time i blogged about blowing eggs up
or the one time i blogged about cysts
or that one time i blogged about my dad being sick
but mostly i think i blogged about what i was missing or lacking in my life


yes LOVE is what i was lacking
not just from anyone other than
but SELF LOVE was what was lacking the most

i think being a wife and a mom has taught me how to love myself better
because it makes you become a better person
loving and giving to two other people you learn to give more to yourself or to be more accepting of yourself

Let me start with saying this
I was, am and possibly will ALWAYS be an extremely sensitive person
i don't like if people don't like me
i want to be liked
i want to be cool
i want to be understood

and i SEE my son has those same traits EXACT SAME TRAITS
and i don't like that for him
I want him to be confident in his own  skin as his own being
i want him to know that no matter what DVD is just fine the way he is

so that means i have to look at me
how do i become OK with my size
how do i become OK with the fact that i sound country
how do i become OK with the fact that i am loud

and i just decided to be ok with it
maybe it comes from age and experience or maybe it comes with being an example for someone else
but learning to love yourself, like truly love yourself, flaws and all, NOT because it's the "right" or "cool" thing to say but because that's how you feel about you truly does make a HUGE difference in your life

for the most part lately i have been enjoying life and enjoying the space i am in
my hard work  AT work is starting to pay off
my hard work with my kid is evident daily with the way he speaks and talks and thinks
this kid is so smart and asks so may questions and he's so polite and respectful and he's a good kid
i am hard on him at 4 because at 14 i don't want to have to hurt him
and i can see the fruits of my labor
now to get him to be ok being him

being married is a lot of work
i tell my single friends all the time, enjoy this singleness, enjoy this alone time right now, because its a lot of work
a lot of giving
a lot of sitting back and KNOWING how something is going to end but letting them make whatever mistakes and decisions they must make on their own
own their own
you must as a wife let your husband fall on his own sometimes
like do you know how HARD that is? to just sit back and let him mess up something
and you KNOW how its going to end, but you have to just wait and see

but its worth it for them to finally say "you were right"
and NOT because you want to be "right" but because you want them to respect that even as a head of household, you as their helpmate, you definitely have the household's best interest in mind

but i think that takes us all time
the older  you are when you get married
the more STUFF that comes into your marriage
it may be emotional baggage
it may be that you have financial baggage
it may be that you have the house
or it may be you make more money

but we all have STUFF

so working through your stuff, good or bad, you have to deal with it, work through it, while you are working with someone else's stuff and then you gotta deal with the stuff you develop while being married

it's a lot of work
it's a lot dying to yourself daily

I've said it before and i'll say it again, the opposite of love isn't hate it's selfishness

I am working on being not only selfless with others but being selfless with myself