time sho do fly when you living...

sheeesh
I haven't blogged in FOReva eva

i can recall when blogging was like my mental release, my therapy
i got into blogging during those trying 20s

yes your 20s are fun but goodness gracious was they hard

so many lessons to learn

geesh

now i am busy working
being wife
being a mom

heck i hid in the bathroom trying to get some peace
until someone knocks on the door yelling "i gotta go"
so yes those cartoons with little people fingers under the door are in fact REAL

and of course he doesn't do that to daddy just me the mommy because CLEARLY i don't need peace

he's now 5 a little man and in school

i need him to learn how to make a waffle and i'll be good to go

my cousin got married last weekend
it was really nice
saw my family
and had a ball with my cousins

got me and the hubs thinking DC might not be for us FOREVER

never thought i'd ever see the day i'd say, i am ready to move away
heck i only went 45 mins UP the highway to baltimore for collage and still had to commute because "i aint like it up there, its too different"

nope i love the DMV arrrrrrrrreaaaa
SN: we country as hell here and act like we aren't but even my family down SOUTH says i talk funny, i am used to that from my husbands family but geesh

so back to why haven't i been blogging

jo
seriously i don't even read like i used to
work
home
cook
homework
bath time
chill time for u and your spouse
bed
wake up and repeat 4 more times

OH we joined a church
SN2: bare with me if i am repeating myself because clearly i haven't read what i have written this year
i LOVE our church and so does my husband
HE actually picked the church and that made me feel great knowing he truly enjoys the word being taught there

oh Kindergarten is hard work for a 5 year old little boy
poor little guy
they working on all kinds of stuff
and he's about even more tired because we are putting him in karate and soccer as well this winter

speaking of that man who thinks he runs me...
i was looking at videos of him when he was 2 and 3
oh my goodness i officially have baby fever
i also held my cousin's son this past weekend and was like i am done
i kept asking my hubs
could he give me one

the look in his face said it all

like yea i'll give you one alright but then you gonna be blown so NO
or in other words you say that now until they up screaming all night

like seriously we don't have diapers or pull ups to deal with anymore
no more diaper bags
no more strollers and all that crap
no more car seat drama
he gets in his booster seat and you put on the seat belt and we OUT

he's so low maintenance now

so i mean i could do it because it would only be ONE that would require all the jazz
plus D is just a cool and sweet child
easy like me
(ha i am not easy, who am i kidding...maybe chill like his daddy)

OH and that boy can TALK
talk talk talk
seriously

so life is good
not easy but good
my house is full of laughter and jokes and good times right now

not because of the money or anything but because we actually LIKE one another and enjoy kicking it as a family, as a husband and wife....

in short life is a beautiful struggle
until next time
peace

reflection

this morning we learned the beloved author, poet, activist Dr. Maya Angelou passed away

immediately the interwebs were all a buzz regarding all the wonderful accomplishments she's made in her 86 years of life

one of her last tweets was this:
"Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God."

like WOW
that's majorly profound
the words she used were amazing and they will live forever

just like her quote:
“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them,”

it's those instances of "mother wisdom" that makes you stop and take pause and reflect on your life
like what is my dash

when i look at my 33 years on this earth thus far what does my dash stand for
if i left this earth TODAY what would my dash say

i realize it doesn't say all that i want it to say
i've done the giving back
i've got degrees
i've gotten married
i've raised (raising but still) a child

ok AND....

where is my overall contribution to the world?
where's my contribution to society?
where are my goals and dreams of having a major impact?

should i be a writer
NO
i know my joy and love is young people
i know i find joy in making people happy
in helping others

the world will forever be impacted by Dr. Angelou, her contributions will live on
my children's children will read her books and poems
her passing has social media refocusing from the KimYe wedding and TI/Tiny foolishness to looking at the historical impact she has had on our society as a whole
not just black america
not just being a woman
but her overall impact

and it just makes me stop and think about what my overall impact can be
we all have a gift
we all have untapped potential
we are all meant to be something great

i want to be something greater than i am
something to reflect on as we think of the life and times of this GREAT woman

hastagging and other jazz

it has been a cold minute since i have blogged
not because i don't want to blog
but simply because

1. blogger on my computer doesn't seem to format correctly
2. i have jive been busy

i remember when blogging was an escape
a place for me to be "heard" if by no one other than myself
and i really enjoyed that part of me, of my life...writing about what mattered most at a particular time
like the one time i blogged about blowing eggs up
or the one time i blogged about cysts
or that one time i blogged about my dad being sick
but mostly i think i blogged about what i was missing or lacking in my life

L O V E

yes LOVE is what i was lacking
not just from anyone other than
but SELF LOVE was what was lacking the most

i think being a wife and a mom has taught me how to love myself better
because it makes you become a better person
loving and giving to two other people you learn to give more to yourself or to be more accepting of yourself

Let me start with saying this
I was, am and possibly will ALWAYS be an extremely sensitive person
i don't like if people don't like me
i want to be liked
i want to be cool
i want to be understood

and i SEE my son has those same traits EXACT SAME TRAITS
and i don't like that for him
I want him to be confident in his own  skin as his own being
i want him to know that no matter what DVD is just fine the way he is

so that means i have to look at me
how do i become OK with my size
how do i become OK with the fact that i sound country
how do i become OK with the fact that i am loud

and i just decided to be ok with it
maybe it comes from age and experience or maybe it comes with being an example for someone else
but learning to love yourself, like truly love yourself, flaws and all, NOT because it's the "right" or "cool" thing to say but because that's how you feel about you truly does make a HUGE difference in your life

for the most part lately i have been enjoying life and enjoying the space i am in
my hard work  AT work is starting to pay off
my hard work with my kid is evident daily with the way he speaks and talks and thinks
this kid is so smart and asks so may questions and he's so polite and respectful and he's a good kid
i am hard on him at 4 because at 14 i don't want to have to hurt him
and i can see the fruits of my labor
now to get him to be ok being him

being married is a lot of work
i tell my single friends all the time, enjoy this singleness, enjoy this alone time right now, because its a lot of work
a lot of giving
a lot of sitting back and KNOWING how something is going to end but letting them make whatever mistakes and decisions they must make on their own
own their own
you must as a wife let your husband fall on his own sometimes
like do you know how HARD that is? to just sit back and let him mess up something
and you KNOW how its going to end, but you have to just wait and see

it's BEYOND HARD
but its worth it for them to finally say "you were right"
and NOT because you want to be "right" but because you want them to respect that even as a head of household, you as their helpmate, you definitely have the household's best interest in mind

but i think that takes us all time
the older  you are when you get married
the more STUFF that comes into your marriage
it may be emotional baggage
it may be that you have financial baggage
it may be that you have the house
or it may be you make more money

but we all have STUFF

so working through your stuff, good or bad, you have to deal with it, work through it, while you are working with someone else's stuff and then you gotta deal with the stuff you develop while being married

it's a lot of work
it's a lot dying to yourself daily

I've said it before and i'll say it again, the opposite of love isn't hate it's selfishness

I am working on being not only selfless with others but being selfless with myself

it's been a min

it's a lot going on in life right now
as much as i need 2014 NOT to be like 2013
it definitely is starting to look like it might just turn out to be that way

i want peace
i want bliss
i want joy
i want to just simply be happy

why is that so darn hard

the responsibilities of life are just simply OVERWHELMING

i need this sense of being overwhelmed to just simply go away