258

...that's the number of days i have until my tentative wedding date!

and do you know these people, how wonderful they are, are driving me NUTS already...

so let me back up first...

as of Sunday, December 25, 2011...I am NOW an engaged woman!

crazy right

when did we start this journey together? June of 2006...this is my 590th blog post and after all the years and my tears...someone finally did it, they asked me to marry him..

funny thing is he was the reason i started the blog...
broken heart after what 5 years together things didn't pan out, but last year, things seemed to turn around...slow and steady, bumpy at times, but we moved along

it was the same but different, we both grew. we are now both grown. we both learned...

he's still the only man, other than my daddy, that truly puts up with me...
not saying that i am all that bad, but i can say that i am perfect within my imperfections and complex to say the least
but he's so calm with me so sure, so everything...

i've always dreamed of the moment and though i won't tell it here
i will say it was quiet, special, and HIM (and lil D, as they asked me to marry them)...the three of us that's it...

totally going against my demands of "I do not want it on Christmas" and totally in line with me
i didn't cry, i sat and i heard every lil word he said...and once i said the words and he hugged me

i knew and i cried!

actually i knew a while ago

when my mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer this summer
i was angry
really angry
she's a breast cancer survivor and i just didn't feel like she deserved that yet again

but he was the one to calm me down and to tell me some things about faith
he was clam and reassuring
stern and yet patient

everything i needed and it just clicked that you know what he loves me

so in 258 days i'll be getting married to the only guy that's ever got me, stuck with me, and came back to get me

i was chosen

sounds so ....

but every woman (i'll speak for those i know) wants to be chosen

and i was

self made

that's the name of the MMG song that was playing on my iPod the other day, when i initially thought to write this blog...
in the MMG stars rap about being a "self made" who had come to get the things and all of their accomplishments by themselves (as they rap on a song together)

and all that I could honestly think about was how i would have NEVER made it alone

that's the thing

no matter how much "we've got it going on"
in terms of a job, a house, a truck, a whatever

i can personally state that i wouldn't have any of these things without my parents, my friends and several mentors along the way

to actually sit and think that you have done anything alone is pretty sad

most of us have parents, or at least one parent or an aunt, an uncle, someone that is there for them

and those that don't really do have to work hard and climb up by their boot straps

i can't sit here and front like i have had it so hard
things were never handed to me and i have taken many of a blow but i have never taken a blow alone...whenever i needed love, advice, or just someone to reassure me that everything was going to be OK...i had the love and support...of my parents or someone else...

most recently, i was told that i was not the most qualified candidate for two positions for which i applied...although others in my specific job role and that i work with also received the same email, to say it wasn't a blow would be an understatement...it was a difficult thing to swallow i haven't NOT gotten a job since 2007...but hey it happens and sometimes it happens to remind us of what is really important and who we really are..

so with all that being said

i know that without the others in my life i wouldn't be who i am and i wouldn't be where i am right now...

12-2-11

its that time of year again and it seems like the time where things become reflective and you try to gain some sort of perspective

we are talking about the past
looking forward to the future
and sometimes we aren't enjoying the present

sometimes we are enjoying the holidays
sometimes we are avoiding the holidays

but this time of year seems to be pretty simple if you ask me in terms of the repetitive nature that a few of us tend to go through

but here is how its different for me

i honestly feel like telling people about themselves

you know these same people that tend to believe that they have it all together but really don't
you know these people that give it but don't take it-as in advice
you know these people that are BLESSED beyond measure but have NO clue how to just sit back and appreciate what it is that they have be it a new home, a marriage, a new baby on the way...but it doesn't matter because its NEVER good enough
you know these people that have gotten MOST of what they've prayed for but it's not good enough

those people..but then if i decided TO infact call them out on theirs, i'd have to call me out on my own...so then i'd be one of those people right-RIGHT

i think for me, myself, the one thing that i am going to do is just appreciate, for once, where i am, what i have, and WHO i am!

its not about maybes, should've/would've/could've
its not about what i don't have
its not about anything other than...

just sitting back and appreciating the life that i HAVE
perfect it is NOT
perfect i am NOT

but its a blessing
despite it all its a blessing

we go through life so many times looking for the BIG nickel we don't see the Quarter in our hand