Monday, December 10, 2007

rAndomneSS

i guess i need to start coming up with titles for these, but for the most part these posts are just randomly what i am thinking at the time...

so this weekend was cool, my little BIG sis came home for her nephews 3rd birthday and my and my Miles (my own 3 year old nephew) went- needless to say we had fun...good food, laughing and joking, talking trash, catching up! (oh yea and there was plenty for the kids to do too) he was going to stay the night with me, but he wasn't feeling good so i took him home because i feel like sick children do best in their own beds, in their own homes, with their own parents (you know just like adults)

sunday was cool, me love is yet again getting ready to leave for an extended stay for business, so yesterday will be the last time i see him for a couple of weeks then he'll be off again...not saying that its easy, but you know nothing worth having is easy, you have to make things work, that's if you want them to. the past couple of weeks i think we have both been doing some real self and relationship evaluation. we have had to come to some hard conclusions about ourselves and what the reality is. which can be hard especially for two very strong willed people. so what is our reality. we love each other, we don't like each other at times, and we still have a lot of growing to do. we both want it to work, but there has been indeed a power struggle if you will. i can only speak for myself but part of my issue has been learning to grow with someone else and not losing myself. i don't know about you all, but for me who has been in a not so good relationship before, i want to let go and not be controlling or run things...but that takes a lot of trust and although i trust i also don't...why? because that means giving over control-so to keep a little bit of that i question, i question a lot actually, i have always been that way though...i was the typical "why" child you know...but that doesn't work necessarily in a relationship...to question everything all the time...yea not so much LOL

so i am learning to deal with my alpha male (yes he is indeed an alpha libra male SMH)
so with that i am now reading "liberation through submission: freedom for all relationships" it was recommended by one of my girls who is also married...its supposed allow anyone to relate on all levels and give practical spiritual advice on submission...so with that being said, its about me trying to take that ptractical advice and some other stuff and figure out who is TC, the strong lioness of HER-learning how to be a strong woman spritiually and the importance of submission in relationships in general and in love relationships (especially marriage since that is where i want to some day be) is the importance of this read...how do we get there to be able to relate, not lose self, and build together...not an easy task, but we'll see

another thing is i am learning that its hard to let go of some stuff...you can say something jokingly and think that its just that a joke, but the other person doesn't see it that way...we must always be mindful of others and their feelings...when someone says that they don't like something, even if it doesn't make sense to you, it makes sense to them so respect it...sounds simple enough but again taking others into consideration can often be a lot harder than we initially think

so Michael Vick got 23 months for dog fighting, on top of the 900K that he had to pay to care for the remaining dogs...can i say it doesn't make sense to me. 900K for dogs! now don't get me wrong, i love dogs, animals in general, but i grew up with dogs, so i am a dog lover...but 900K to take care of dogs and we have people living in the streets going hungry, homeless, babies are dying because they don't have food to eat! needless to say i believe that the 900K could have gone to something else, my opinion...i also won't go on about the fact that he 23 months for dog fighting when people are drunk driving and endangering lives and get probation or commit assault or other ha nous crimes and get less time, again my opinion...

i try to stay away from talking about stuff like this on my blog, but i guess i just wanted to say something...a lot of craziness is just happening and its sad

one of my close friends told me today that she really has had a tough year, i think we all have, she is going through the "finally letting go" process...you know when the relationship is over and its been over for a while but you start to feel angry again. it happens. you thought that you had moved on but in reality you just buried what was hurting, you thought that you had forgiven the person but really you hadn't. forgiveness i have come to understand is more so about you than the other person, when you forgive you let go you set that free and it allows YOU to move on from the hurt and the anger...people don't always act or turn out to be who WE want them to be...but that's okay. reality is that WE aren't what THEY want either half the time. its about learning and being okay with that. no one is perfect, and coming to terms with the role that YOU played in the relationship and facing YOURSELF can be the hardest part of the process...

why is it that its so hard for us to face ourselves? or face reality? it seems to be the underlining theme behind a lot of unnecessary drama and pain. if we would just face ourselves, our imperfections and figure out what we are okay with and what we aren't then we can move on and be "fine" with who we are....but you have got to face yourself. you have got to be open to knowing and understanding that there is ALWAYS opportunity for growth

so the guy on the train really had on "man makeup" last week...yes make-up SMH...well i guess...

i want everything and then nothing at all for the holiday...how about just some nice peace and quite and reflection time. that always seems to do me some good. i currently have no major plans and being that me love will be away, i am thinking that some much needed me time, will do me well as i transition into the next year...some things NEED to be left in 2007! so with that being said, time to just think and chill will help with the reflection-self evaluation process so that i can move forward

truth is i am not where i THOUGHT i would be at this point, not professionally, not financially, not emotionally, not spiritually, not relationship wise, NOTHING...

BUT reality is i am not where i was either, life happens and it doesn't always turn out how we thought that it would and the truth of the matter is that i am seeing that there is a lesson in all of this, so its time for me to work through the ups and downs and be alright with reality and be alright with what it is...truth is for the most part i am happy, i am growing in all aspects of my life, so it might not be where I THOUGHT it would be but its not about me or up to me...still learning a lot about faith...

still learning a lot about me

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I totally agree about the Michael Vick thing, unfortunately that is not how America works. That's what they should do though! And since you have so much "me" time, bring your butt to SC.

Kiana

Nina MM said...

Golden Time of Day is my absolute favorite Maze cut.

And er...um...that's about as random as this post was.

Blu Moon said...

that trust thing in relationships can be challenging, but try this: you're a lioness, you're a warrior and you back down from NO challenge. the challenge now is BALANCE- giving boo what he needs without sacrificing your own needs; learning what TC needs and being honest about that with self and boo. easier typed than done, I know...blessings!