all over the place randomness

so i have finally said enough is enough
i just had a snapped moment
i didn't like what i saw in the mirror
so i decided to do something serious about it
i already belong to weight watchers
i already belong to planet fitness

so i decided as of Monday, May 20th to actually utilize these tools
so i am working hard
tracking my food, turning them into points
doing my pre workout stretching at home
going to the gym doing at least 30 mins
coming home doing a little bit more working out and stretching

that might not seem like a lot to many
but for someone whose been told my medical professionals
you need to work out, but you really shouldn't because of your heart
but i figure doing 30 mins a day will help build my strength and endurance and then it'll help build my heart muscles again

it takes 3 weeks/21 days to form a habit so I am just determined to keep focused and form this life style change habit

i am glad i decided to join weight watches because it doesn't mean my family has to change what they are eating, but it helps us all watch what we are eating
and hopefully we'll all get out there and get moving physically as a family

the other thing that's been on my mind is this fear of raising a little black boy
i can't even describe how much a fear it has become for me
he has everything against him
he has everything going for him
but knowing how they mark children as delinquents as early as the 3rd grade
knowing how they are "selling" children into the juvenile system as young as 10
knowing that no matter how smart, how determined, how educated, nice, fun, active he is
people will judge him off of his look before he even opens his mouth
scares me

he's turning 4 in 3 months
and i am already looking at what school he'll be in NEXT fall
how much it will cost
because the public schools in our area aren't good enough for him
the one elementary school in the county that is good
there is always a waiting list
the private school he'll be attending is highly rated and recommended
because you have to watch these private school and charter schools just like you do public

he's such an intelligent, free spirited, loving young man
we want him in an independent school where his spirit won't be crushed

but that means mommy and daddy have a year to get our money up and right
debt down
start putting money aside
building our contingency fund
and get out of debt some more
again all debt non wedding debt but debt

so now we have
1. weight lost/lifestyle change
2. reducing debt
3. preparing lil man for school

a short list but a whole lot of major things

my health is moving forward and who knows i may or may not actually see a LB reduction on June 13, but I just want to be able to say and KNOW that i invested the time in myself to be happy with myself
and you know the old saying happy wife happy life

til next time

current mood: Happy

i am in a pretty darn good mood
tired
but happy

one our god-daugh ter was christened yesterday
it was a pretty cool day

i decided to give up carbs but allow myself a "cheat" day
well not only did i CHEAT yesterday due to the events i had several partners
it was a mess
a wonderful good mess
every single item

it was cool being around family too

we got some work to do with our son though
it's such a balance at this age
finding teachable moments
getting him not to whine about every single thing to get his way
getting people to not let him get his way
he's a single child so he definitely doesn't like to share, so we need to work on teaching him and showing him that we share
he is terriotorial and although a good thing at times, can lead to break downs because he doesn't want anyone to play with us
AND he can just be plain rude....they are definitely lil people
children have their own minds so we are learning right with him about how to be better parents and better examples actually

LESSON: loving other people how they need to be loved (even children) makes YOU a better person, pushes you to be better and more understanding

at the end of the night when it was time to leave, instead of having a fit because we were leaving his mom mom and pop pop, he grabbed our hands, putting himself in the middle, and said let's go, he wouldn't leave without both of us...that's a PRICELESS happy moment!

today
BACK to the reality
NO carbs (breads, sugars, etc)
fruits
veggies
min good carbs (sweet pototatoes, corn)

i aslo saw my mentor
she makes me happy
just her hugs makes me happy
saw her and two of my sistah girls, my mentors sister, and my girls hubby
they all make me happy
the energy
the love
the joy
the talking
giggling

lunch is always too short
but at least i am in a position to take a lunch now

funny how little things that people don't even think about mean SO much to you when you can't do them

i am starting to get tired but supposed to see another sister friend this evening
she'll be in town for work

so for a Monday
it's been full of love and laughter and Joy already

there's something else brewing (NOT A BABY) that i'll share once it's done that also has me really excited for someone i love

so you know i am HAPPY and I am going to ride this feeling until i can't no mo

43

i am sure i have journaled here about this topic of health and weight before
but yesterday's doctor visit just had me so upset i was on the verge of spitting absolute nails

so 43 is the number of LBs i have gained since last August when i was diagnosed with graves disease (Hyperthyroid condition)
i gained the weight because i was subsequently i was put on heart medication as well as other medication, went through RAI treatment and then more medication all to KILL the thyroid gland (which still isn't fully deaded yet) BUT while going through all of this
i have had a reaction to the initial medication, the initial RAI results showed my gland was slow to die, put back on another medication, which my body started rejecting as well and all in an attempt again to KILL the thyroid which then makes you HYPO the opposite of HYPER and thus the weight gain however, it's still a small dose and the thyroid is still NOT deaded yet


i can't exercise for long period of times because of my heart
i can't be outside for long periods of time to even walk because of the heart medication

BUT here's the thing
i still tried as i might to watch what i ate and things to no avail

however, yesterday, finally i was able to be placed on a medication to replace the thyroid harmon!
FINALLY
this is big because you have to really reduce the function of the thyroid gland to replace it, and replacing it is with a drug that acts like the thyroid finally will give me some relief AND allow my metabolism to come back because being HYPO i have NONE, hence the rapid weight gain

so we got all of that right, ok...

so then the dr whose care i have only been under since August to assume i merely gained back the weight i initially lost was uninformed, ridiculous and insensitive to boot.
to then follow it up with well count your calories and know you'll have to fight your weight
was just plain unprofessional
in the manor in which he said it

especially after acknowledging that i one made the right call to take myself off of a med because i could tell i was becoming hypo the weight gain was to rapid and i have actually been more active than i have when i was working nights
and then to just be flip about it almost had me flip out, ESP after i just said to you I am the heaviest i have EVER been in my life and this is a concern of mine

the reality is I am not comfortable in my own skin
people don't get that
especially people who don't have health issues and just think oh well it must be something she is doing
well you have graves and have your life turned upside down and be on how many pills daily and see how you feel with your heart coming out of your chest every single day
even people that love you and support you only get it but so much

i have never been smaller than a size 6 my freshman year of collage and i looked pretty mehhhh when i was
i like curves
i don't like feeling LARGE and that's how i feel
it's uncomfortable

i am a memeber of weight watchers already but I will use them as i should
i am cutting out the carbs and sugars as well (which i don't eat as much of but clearly i can't have any)
and regardless of how i feel i will start trying to walk at least 30 mins daily on the treadmill, even when my body hurts and i am tired because that's how i feel every single day

see going from hyper to hypo to hyper to hypo all in less than a year as taken its toll on my mind, body and spirit

i have my wedding day i am so happy i felt and looked amazing on that day
that was GOD because the week after everything fell apart health wise and its been a downward spiral ever since

part of the reason i decided to remain with this practice and not Hopkins was because of the doctor and his care, but after his attitude yesterday and the last few weeks, I think i need to find another specialist and one who can also help me understand proper weight management and not just assume i am another minority woman who has no concept of what to eat, eats what she wants and does take care

for the record:
i don't eat friend foods, pork, beef or dairy!
i don't eat cookies and cakes all the time
i eat fish, chicken, turkey
veggies
NOT McDonald's or wendy's or chik-a-fila
i don't drink soda (other than ginger ale because i stay sick all day long) or sweet tea (it actually makes my nerves bad because of the graves)
i drink nothing but smart water or fiji because its best for me with graves spring water isn't god for you
i need extra electrolytes

i take more than 10,000 steps per day

i could go on and on and on

i guess i needed to get this off of my chest because the reality is, it's hurtful for people to assume that you WANT to look and feel this way and you GOT here because you are lazy and/or you eat what you want
you aren't trying to "keep it tight" for your man
you are just another lazy fat black woman

when people question my weight, family/friends/collegues (because people are that bold) and medical professionals included, that's what you are saying to me

so i share this because you NEVER know why someone is the size or weight that they are
you NEVER know what condition or medication they are on to deal with their issues
you can't SEE everything
nor will someone SHARE everything

this has been an emerging condition for the past 5 years of my life turns out

so next time
think
just a thought

peace