so yesterday i was supposed to go and see the rock the bells tour with Jac and a couple other folks...but i didn't make it...
all of a sudden on sunday morning i felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness i felt lonely (i know i am never alone because GOD is always with me) and just like i was out there all by myself...
see it hit me i am moving in my house this week and i am doing it all alone...my parents aren't here to see the house finished they aren't here to help me pack up and move and they aren't here to say well done...
i am making all these "grown up" decisions and i am doing it all by myself! CLEARLY you have to grow up some day but it would be nice to grow up with my parents 20 mins away and NOT 14 HOURS away...
so sunday morning i got out of bed and got on the couch and there i laid ALL DAY crying on and off at one point i balled so hard that i actually said "i want my mommy" and i did i meant it...
i didn't call her because hearing me upset would only make her upset...nor did i tell anyone that i was really upset except the three closest folks to me...my bestest tried her best to make me feel better once she really got that i was upset she even came by bless her heart
he didn't know how upset i was because i didn't tell him...he kept asking me was i ok because its not like to me to just lay all day and do NOTHING i mean i was in a daze i finally spoke up last night but for me its hard beacuse i have never really had folks i could lean on 100% don't get me wrong people have been there for me but i feel like i am always the one that takes care of folks but he made it clear that he's here for me too...
im just used to taking care of me and dealing with it and just trying to be everything to everyone else, that can be draining and you gotta take time for you...and let yourself deal with your issues!
so we shall see...i guess i had my breaking point we all have them from time to time and mines came yesterday i cried and cried and now today i am feeling a little bit more like myself i am not looking forward to the move this week through the weekend but hey you gotta put your BIG GURL pants on at some point...
my mom says she think i am doing a good job but you know you always wonder and in the end you just want to be happy and have everyone happy around you...
but the reality is
"you can't be everything to everybody but to those that get you-you'll be a jewel"
so to those that "get me" i mean really GET ME
THANK YOU!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
radomneSS like who knows the #
yea i am CLASSIC and i am truly okay with that...
I can be the sweetest person, giving, loyal all that...but man i have learned one thing for sure is to NOT let folks walk all over you and no that doesn't mean cursing folks out...that means letting folks know that certain things aren't acceptable because they aren't...period the end its not acceptable and i am not going to act like its okay because its not...
so yes when i get an attitude i got an attitude...and
i have an attitude at times because i don't like feeling like i am the LAST to know something...when i feel like i am being left in the dark that's a problem...don't "spare" my feelings i am a BIG girl and i can truly handle whatever it is that you have going on or whatever it is that you have to say....that's the issue...
you don't communicate therefore i have an attitude, if you communicated more and more effectively i wouldn't have an attitude, so the VERY thing you are trying to avoid by "sparing" my feelings is the VERY thing you get: MY ATTITUDE...why you can't see that i don't know...
communication and trust the two key fundamentals to any relationship...you don't have that you don't have anything...
a lot of times we don't know how to communicate with others but if you want it to work you gotta learn to communicate that's for sure
i definitely want to be at peace i have worked to hard to be at peace with myself to be at peace in my life...so if i can't have peace because my mind is running or i can sense that something is off...i am off and i can't stand that feeling...i can't stand it at all...
moving on
yea literally moving on, moving from my apartment of 3 years and some change to move back into the house that i grew up in...truly its going to be a blessing because its a HOUSE and i'll be a home owner, but i will go from living alone to living with my older brother that sometimes acts more like a younger brother...yea that's going to be interesting...to say the least...AND again i have to MOVE that sucks i have SO much crap to pack and i know there is much more than on the surface I need to start packing like NOW but i won't because i don't feel like it and i need to be out of my apartment by the 19th, let's just hope that the people are done with the upstairs at LEAST by then so i don't have to worry about my stuff you know...
he and i already bumping heads over the renovations, i ask for something or say something i keep getting these off side comments, my thing is if you paying for the work to get done do it right the first time and let that be that...ya know..but two strong personalities its bound to be an issue
you know i had to tell my mother the other day that she was becoming "part time" i don't talk to her as much as i did when she was here, she is always busy or going somewhere or doing something for this person or that person and i am like uggggggggggg but i need to talk to you like seriously...
on to the general life observations
why the dude yesterday didn't have on no shirt but that bama had on a fleece northface....huh? where they do that at?
what is it about this statement: "oh my you have lost so much weight, you look really good" that makes me want to hurl...maybe because you suddenly feel like this: "well good gracious was i THAT big did i look like a whale or something, geesh"
you know that the person doesn't mean any harm at all they really think that they are complementing you, but you feel like CRAP after they make that statement!
why do folks keep commenting about Michelle Obama's fashion...CLEARLY she got $, didn't they make like some crazy millions last couple years off the books deals and didn't she work...i mean come on...she wears gap and j.crew but if she spends a little bit of change on a bag or some shoes its a problem....get over yourselves like seriously! She is the first lady i have NEVER seen or heard a first ladies fashions in terms of how much things cost be picked apart before until now...of course i know why...
keep doing you First lady! You are an inspiration to all of us
why is there never anything on tv in the summer
i hope that some network picks up the game...why can't we ever get closer to the shoes that are about us...dang...
how did i miss that Mos Def dropped another CD last month...wow...I am late...
i have another wedding to attend tomorrow...its cool though because Mrs. Hemsley's bridesmaid dress is my dress of choice...she did a really good job at making sure we had dresses we could wear again...
i am trying to get my spirit right so i think i will be covering myself with gospel this morning...i need it...i gotta remain focused on staying centered...its amazing how little things can just throw you all off and you all KNOW how much and how hard i want and need peace...
I will end on a positive note: this time last year my feet were being ripped from under me with some shocking and startling truths about folks and happenings around me...but surely as i sit here right now, i know that no matter what you go through there is a GOD and if you focus on him and his love and how if you really are FAITHFUL and know that it will all work out in the end even BETTER than you expected it will- it WILL!
one love all
I can be the sweetest person, giving, loyal all that...but man i have learned one thing for sure is to NOT let folks walk all over you and no that doesn't mean cursing folks out...that means letting folks know that certain things aren't acceptable because they aren't...period the end its not acceptable and i am not going to act like its okay because its not...
so yes when i get an attitude i got an attitude...and
i have an attitude at times because i don't like feeling like i am the LAST to know something...when i feel like i am being left in the dark that's a problem...don't "spare" my feelings i am a BIG girl and i can truly handle whatever it is that you have going on or whatever it is that you have to say....that's the issue...
you don't communicate therefore i have an attitude, if you communicated more and more effectively i wouldn't have an attitude, so the VERY thing you are trying to avoid by "sparing" my feelings is the VERY thing you get: MY ATTITUDE...why you can't see that i don't know...
communication and trust the two key fundamentals to any relationship...you don't have that you don't have anything...
a lot of times we don't know how to communicate with others but if you want it to work you gotta learn to communicate that's for sure
i definitely want to be at peace i have worked to hard to be at peace with myself to be at peace in my life...so if i can't have peace because my mind is running or i can sense that something is off...i am off and i can't stand that feeling...i can't stand it at all...
moving on
yea literally moving on, moving from my apartment of 3 years and some change to move back into the house that i grew up in...truly its going to be a blessing because its a HOUSE and i'll be a home owner, but i will go from living alone to living with my older brother that sometimes acts more like a younger brother...yea that's going to be interesting...to say the least...AND again i have to MOVE that sucks i have SO much crap to pack and i know there is much more than on the surface I need to start packing like NOW but i won't because i don't feel like it and i need to be out of my apartment by the 19th, let's just hope that the people are done with the upstairs at LEAST by then so i don't have to worry about my stuff you know...
he and i already bumping heads over the renovations, i ask for something or say something i keep getting these off side comments, my thing is if you paying for the work to get done do it right the first time and let that be that...ya know..but two strong personalities its bound to be an issue
you know i had to tell my mother the other day that she was becoming "part time" i don't talk to her as much as i did when she was here, she is always busy or going somewhere or doing something for this person or that person and i am like uggggggggggg but i need to talk to you like seriously...
on to the general life observations
why the dude yesterday didn't have on no shirt but that bama had on a fleece northface....huh? where they do that at?
what is it about this statement: "oh my you have lost so much weight, you look really good" that makes me want to hurl...maybe because you suddenly feel like this: "well good gracious was i THAT big did i look like a whale or something, geesh"
you know that the person doesn't mean any harm at all they really think that they are complementing you, but you feel like CRAP after they make that statement!
why do folks keep commenting about Michelle Obama's fashion...CLEARLY she got $, didn't they make like some crazy millions last couple years off the books deals and didn't she work...i mean come on...she wears gap and j.crew but if she spends a little bit of change on a bag or some shoes its a problem....get over yourselves like seriously! She is the first lady i have NEVER seen or heard a first ladies fashions in terms of how much things cost be picked apart before until now...of course i know why...
keep doing you First lady! You are an inspiration to all of us
why is there never anything on tv in the summer
i hope that some network picks up the game...why can't we ever get closer to the shoes that are about us...dang...
how did i miss that Mos Def dropped another CD last month...wow...I am late...
i have another wedding to attend tomorrow...its cool though because Mrs. Hemsley's bridesmaid dress is my dress of choice...she did a really good job at making sure we had dresses we could wear again...
i am trying to get my spirit right so i think i will be covering myself with gospel this morning...i need it...i gotta remain focused on staying centered...its amazing how little things can just throw you all off and you all KNOW how much and how hard i want and need peace...
I will end on a positive note: this time last year my feet were being ripped from under me with some shocking and startling truths about folks and happenings around me...but surely as i sit here right now, i know that no matter what you go through there is a GOD and if you focus on him and his love and how if you really are FAITHFUL and know that it will all work out in the end even BETTER than you expected it will- it WILL!
one love all
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