frustration

i haven't been really really frustrated in a LONG time
but i am definitely there again...

i don't like being off centered and i am really off centered right now

i don't get off until 6 tonight and my house looks a straight up mess! It needs to be cleaned so that I can have some sense of peace, I have to do it...but i am soooo very very tired right now
i have to work tomorrow
i am working on sunday
i have two papers and discussion participation due sunday by midnight
i need to go grocery shopping
i need to start working out again
i need to do laundry
i need to CLEAN

i am not happy right now

i totally have been neglecting myself and focusing on others and trying to help them get set up and i don't feel appreciated at all for it
and their stuff is good and straight, house clean set up, food in the crib, the whole nine...MY house looks like a tornado hit it and i don't have anything in there remotely considered editable

why? smh

i have no one to blame but myself

i care too much and i don't want to care much anymore i want to not care at all and i wish i could just turn my feelings off and not be bothered

i am now frustrated at work, and i will say i am very fortunate but i am frustrated because i am trying to move forward and take advantage of some things and initially it was "go for it" now its "are you sure" yes i am sure and i am applying if i get it that's not up to me but i am trying for it and i'll prove myself like i always do

why do i always have to prove something to someone in some form or fashion in my life?

so very very frustrating...so now i just want to simply do my work and mind my business and go home that's it that's all...

i am in the top 10 even more top than that but its not relevant, but i am producing and working hard but whatever

so again i am frustrated

did you say you want one thing, but you haven't acted on it in any shape or form and you wonder why i don't really care about what you just said...i do care, but i don't...why should i
love is a verb and i can't tell sir...

i have learned a lot of things in this lil life of mines and one thing is for sure is not getting head over heels with words...words mean nothing to me, NOTHING if you don't act like it on a consistent basis i could care less
consistency
stability
loyalty

if i don't feel confident in those things, then welp i don't know what to tell you

heck i don't even know what to tell myself

frustrated

update

ummmm so i am sick YET AGAIN

this time i am sick with the flu...

here is what i learned during this week of being off from work (which i could NOT afford, however such is life) 1. i need to find a new primary care doctor because that chick told me i had a cold and i told her it wasn't a cold but she dismissed what i was saying

LESSON: keep listening to my body and find a new primary care doctor

2. if all else fells a minute clinic/urgent care place like patient first in the DMV area is AWESOME...2 hours later i have a true diagnosis of the flu and all it took was them swabbing my nose, but they also took a chest x-ray and blood work...2 hours later a proper diagnosis and i am on my way...

i think i'll be working next weekend both Saturday and Sunday because i definitely want my 4 day weekend and I definitely don't have any leave and i need to build that up...i'll probably work late every day the week of V day makes me no difference i do have to be careful now though because i have other work now

SIDE NOTE: why is that awful show "the steve harvey project" currently on my tv, its on mute because i was doing homework/school work (we'll get to that in a minute) but anyways why immediately when i looked up at the sistah on i KNEW she was wearing a wig...smh sad

yes i have decided on a certificate program it may end up being another master's degree but honestly, i am not that pressed so it really may just be a certificate...i am taking 3 classes and 1 of them isn't graded but required, its a research course but my thing is if you already have a graduate degree why do i have to take this mess! but its cool...i have gotten a 8 out of 8 on my first quiz and 7 out of 8 on my second...

the entire thing is online again but i think i am better prepared for it this semester than last...plus the certification is in my field and has the words "management" behind it...and being that i have determined that i want to go into the management track at my current job this will allow me to go to another level

so the feds have put a hiring freeze into effect...so that means we currently are hiring anyone outside of the agency and it also means that you can't go anywhere either!

now we still haven't determined what we "are" and we both decided that we wouldn't make a move until next year anyways...meaning that whatever THIS is, to be fair we are "exclusively" figuring this out...meaning we aren't dealing with anyone else while during this process to give it a fair shot...now the reason being that 1. people get second chances, not thirds and 2 if this s it then this is IT, period the end! stamp it we are both done, off the market for good, marriage...so its not like date, bf/gf, engaged, then marriage, pretty much skip the second stage and start planning for marriage...but for now, its a friendship and its going to be long distance...i just need to get used to this whole long distance thing again...

only on weekends will i get to see the person...and my lil person...that's tough right?

but we are both in school and working full time and he's a full time single parent so time is tight anyways during the weeks that makes communicating so very important

we'll see though because you know things seem one way and can easily shift another especially when its all on the winds of "figuring it out"

oh i have been in this house a year, i think i said that last post...OH but i did figure out that there is program in MD that you can apply for that keeps your taxes from jumping up all crazy, you know i applied so now i must wait and see what happens next...fingers crossed...

it seems like, or i know rather that every time something seems to not be working for me or not like its going to work out, things tend to work out

so i just glanced down and i have 4.4 days worth of music on my itunes (did i mention i stepped on and cracked my second ipod nano touch CLASSIC) not enough i need more music...how about i stop being lazy and download all my CDs on this thing

SIDE NOTE: golden decides she likes trash, so she has been snacking on random things the last two days, she just came in front of me and looks like she is in pain, so i motion for her to sit on the couch with me, what does she do, stands there and throws up on my carpet! incredible, not the hardwood floor, the carpet...great

i am feeling better though because i cleaned today...i couldn't take it anymore...i am still tired though and being that i was sick i have a lot of work to catch up on for school and i am sure next week will be a bit much...

i wonder how long its going to take before something is determined, i wonder how long i'll be willing to let this unknown state carry on? it doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine right?