bitter sweet

i am sitting in my parents room as my mom recovers from her surgery (yea that's not what i thought i was coming down here for either...but turns out she needed surgery while I was here) and my dad is resting from his daily treatment

but life is good because i have been able to be with them more than i ever would have had i been at home

to see them both and to see them doing so well is good

my dad is in good spirits and so is my mother

its made the trip here all the more worth while for me

tomorrow i'll depart from Mobile, AL with one more suitecase than i arrived with (I wonder how much Delta is going charge for 4 bags)

i have enjoyed my time here, the time spent with family and the work i was able to be apart of

it's bitter sweet because i enjoy the work, i enjoy being only 3 hours from my parents and the 20 minute commute, free parking and NO homeless people harassing me

furthermore, its cheap here and most of all its been cooler here then in the DMV
its what 105 degrees with the heat index it feels like what 115
here it merely feels like it feels 90 or so degrees

so i can appreciate that

i am ready to get back but not really i am not looking forward to the hour long commute sharing my house and the foolishness that is my office...GREAT people not so much for the work

so i am ready to be bored again and blaza

and i'll miss my parents

but i'll also be happy to see my dog...and my folks

kasarahsarahwhateverwillbewillbe

...made

sometimes decisions are made for you

and then there is no decision to make

i'll be returning to DC on Friday, 7/22

NOT because i wasn't wanted here

NOT because my work didn't speak for itself

NOT because i didn't fit in

NOT because i didn't work hard

but because bureaucracy is there and it is what it is....

so be it

decisions

decisions are best made with thought?

with a prayer?

with instincts?

with a flip of a coin?

i haven't figured out how best to make major decisions other than what makes sense

when something makes sense

even if it doesn't seem feasible or realistic

if in the bigger picture of my life it will help me reach an ultimate goal i will do it

sometimes you have to take what may seem like two steps back to take that giant leap forward

i have an opportunity to take steps that would seem like steps back (I would take a pay cut, not a cut in grade but the cost of living here is lower) so that i could gain the skills and knowledge needed to go forward

well its not in my hands any more

i have made my intentions known that i will stay here and whatever happens happens

Le BOOM

YES!

this song is on repeat as i sit in my living room

just chilling....doing nothing at all

my hair in pen curls, my clothes ironed for tomorrow, my shake fixed, my fruit washed and fixed...

i had my soup and now i'll eat my salad

i just sat and watch a crazy video with JD, Kevin Hart, Nelly, Tammy (basketball wives) , Bobby Brown and Nick Cannon...YES random, ridiculous and HALARIOUS

As much as i miss home i am enjoying my experience here in AL

they keep hinting that i could stay here, the other guy will have to go to Iraq for a year...the ONLY way i would do a year here is if HIM and lil him could come and bring my DOG and my truck....otherwise NO and definitely NO if they aren't paying for my living expenses as it is now...i still gotta pay a mortgage and bills at home so negative

i must say i like being in a field office much better than the main office...different work and definitely a different vibe

the work is different and i enjoy it...i haven't really taken to many full weekends i normally work one day, i'll be working this friday as well...(my work week is sun-thurs)...

being here gives me time to breathe and rest up a little bit

there are talks of marriage and with those talks comes a lotof work...getting a job, renting out my house, buying a new house, oh plan a wedding and get married

we were going on a cruise this year, but that has been pushed back

definitely interesting

as much as i have always wanted to be married and i do love him and my mini him..i am afraid of the work that a marriage brings and the fact that i won't have just me to be responsible...i'll have a family that i am responsible for....that's deep

heck i just got me under control, well kinda

HA

i don't do much on the weekends here, hell i be tired especially with working like i did yesterday 10 hours! then my sinuses haven't given me a rest here! and i need new glasses...i think he headaches will slow down when i get those because looking at a computer all day can definitely do something to your eyes that's for sure...

LD relationships are hard, but bearable when you see the person every or at least every other weekend...not seeing him for a month is a bit much actually it will be 5 pretty much 6 weeks before he comes down next weekend...

such is life

he is amazingly supportive but in the same breathe he gets on my ever lasting nerve

*shrugs* i am sure i get on his nerves equally

can we say "pre-marital counseling for $500 Alex" lol

ok...well thought i would check...

southern belle

well not exactly

but currently i am residing in Mobile, AL until the end of July...we all know that my daddy was diagnosed with prostate cancer and right after his diagnosis there was a temporary position that was also an AWESOME opportunity for me professionally was posted...

so I applied, called and did an self imposed impromptu interview and got it...

welll I wasn't scheduled to come until this Monday, June 6th, however, as with most things in life, nothing ever goes as we plan...sooooo i had to come Monday, May 23rd....oh did i mention the week before I had to leave i had to go away for 3 days for business so that didn't leave much time to pack but i took the advice of one of my girls and packed for 20 days instead of trying to be overwhelmed with packing for 60 days...

so three suitcases ($185 later, thanks DELTA) i got down here

my apartment (which i had to find myself) is AWESOME! fully furnished top floor, DELUX because i have a loft with a full size washer and dryer and its OH so peaceful

its been an adjustment i miss home, i miss my dog, even my brother...of course i miss him and lil him...but it was definitely needed

BECAUSE i drive to work daily 20 minutes TOPS with the so-called traffic! I would be stuck on that funky metro right now if i was home

its quiet, its just me...sometimes you need that, sometimes as a person, a woman especially you can get so lost in everything and everyone else around you, so its good to just get back to ME

i am sick right now so i won't be traveling the three hours this weekend to see the folks but i'll definitely be going up next weekend

i think all of the stress of the last 6 months, the up and down the back and forth and everything has finally caught up with me so i'll just be chillin doing much of nothing this weekend

definitely going to try to get into the working out and things this week, i have been here two weeks so only 6 left time to try to get it cracking...hopefully if i get up on rest i'll be good to go...

oh did i say that i am living by shops, a movie theater, restaurants, 30 minutes from the beach and the outlets!

sheeesh don't tell nobody but i kinda like Mobile, ALABAMA

....sitting

that's what i am doing right now

sitting in the Jackson airport waiting on my plane to arrive so i can depart the dirty dirty...which by the way isn't that dirty at all

in fact its extremely clean and peaceful

the weather has been perfect, no humidity, sunshine, clean skies and a breeze, unlike what i hear is going on in the DMV right now....its been raining and raining and raining...

i didn't see any signs of the flooding but the taxi cab driver (a local) stated that the river is going to hit the crest point today...and a couple of the small towns will be affected by it

sad, its really sad that smaller towns (peoples homes, businesses, schools) will be sacrificed to spear larger cities...pretty much what they did in Katrina when they let the ninth ward flood to spear the downtown area....iamjustsaying

so the former governor had a child outside of his marriage and we learn today that the child was born only 4 days apart from his youngest son with his wife? really dude? so how much taking care of your child did you have to do to keep her quite all those years, including during the elections, because dirt ALWAYS comes out! so clearly the lil boy didn't know that you were his daddy because that would've come out, kids slip they can't keep secrets...furthermore, how sad for those children...people are so selfish

i have said it before and i'll say it again,

the opposite of love isn't hate it's SELFISHNESS period!

i saw my folks on tuesday they looked GREAT! I mean really really great...they were fussing as always and they are just too funny for words

the most classic thing was him holding the GPS and repeating EVERYTHING that the thing said to my mother...it talks she can hear it but he felt the need to say it i am sitting here smiling at it because it was soooo funny

"PC the thing said you about to turn right, you better get over, PC the thing sad turn right"

i'll be a temporary resident down here, well not here, but down south in 4 days...i am missing a few parties, some cookouts, some bridal showers, graduations, i mean a ton of events but you know the trade off isn't much...you gotta make sacrifices that's life and in order for me to be able to see my daddy and take him to his treatments, to be around them pretty much every weekend the ability to do "dinner and a movie" or "mani/pedi and lunch" with my mommy, to be able to see them as often as possible right now is what is most important

PLUS add to the fact that its a temp position for work which will help me when i decide to transfer

WINNING

i have been studying various religions lately, not because i am converting, but i need to understand things, i need to not be ignorant to why people believe what they believe and thus do what they do...

so in the hotel there was the Bible and the book of Mormon so i started reading that last night, i don't get it...i am reading about Islam and that i get a little more, now i am trying to understand how a religion based on living life as the prophet in peace is violent...but not...its all interpretation, all religions, its an interpretation of whatever book, bible you decide to read and decide that you believe in...the thing that i found interesting was that the prophet acknowledged the Christians and the Jews (who teased the Arabs by the way as being cut out of God's plan) its just interesting...

knowledge is a circle, you give, you receive...i like learning and understanding just because it helps you stand firmer in your own personal beliefs...

whatever you believe in, just respect others for what they believe in...that's how i feel about that...

i know from whom i derived and i understand walking in his image is what we should all strive to do...

i think that's what i am going to be doing while i am gone, i am going to focus on myself, my personal relationship with HIM and me....get my mind right, get my body right, get my spirit right...

i am nervous about leaving for various reasons...but i am at peace about it

stand tall and smile

that's what i am going to do right now

just stand

what do the old folk say at times like these "when it rains it pours"

well they aint never lied

everything always seems to hit you at once

and what do you have to do in the midst of it all

you have to STAND
you have to SMILE

that's what you have to do

i can't not go to work, i can't hide under a rock, i can't run away from it all and just sit in my room in my bed, with cakes and cookies until it all goes away (i have said before i am an emotional eater *shrugs*)

i will say this though at times like this when everything is coming from every which a way...i realize that i am more like my momma then not

when i say that woman is like IT to me...

she is IT
spiritual
strong
sweet
supportive
sassy

all that and i know that i'll never be like HER but if i can be like half of her...man oh man still ahead of the game

i have shed my tears about both situations and now i just want to keep it moving

not to say i won't have moments
not to say it won't be hard

but having conversations like the one with my daddy where he is in RARE form and has me cracking up laughing about how he is getting a Harley but won't come up off $250 so i can get my mom a Dyson vacum for her mother's day gift is just straight up CLASSIC to me, we always tend to talk the most trash to one another and when he's like that i know he's feeling well so that makes me smile

i have said all that i have and will say in terms of the other situation
disappointed
but lesson learned

one thing i have truly learned is that as a woman i will not make an excuses to anyone (male, female, momma, daddy, whoever) about my size, my hair, NOTHING

i know that there are things i can improve about my physical, but more importantly i want to keep learning and loving internally...

i may not be all that physically "beautiful"

but i am beautiful, in my own way, in my own skin...inside and OUT (because i am not bad looking at all)

i am beautiful

so i will smile and focus on finding my inner peace and joy, not happiness, not right now, happiness depends on happenings in your life its a thing that can come and go...i want joy and peace, something that's much deeper something that no matter will be there in my heart in my soul in ME and NO ONE and NOTHING can take those things away from you

plus i look so much better when i stand tall and smile